Stupid Movie Lines (19 page)
Read Stupid Movie Lines Online
Authors: Kathryn Petras
From your tiny eyes, I can tell you won’t be lazy in bed.
Sexpot Sharla Cheung Man in
Holy Weapon,
1993
On Tired Robots, What to Say to:
You look like a pooped-out pinwheel.
Little boy to robot in
Robot Monster,
1953
On Toasts, Clever Rat-Pack Style:
Ortega:
Cheers!
Girl:
Skoal!
Matt:
Sure it’s cold. It’s got ice in it.
Dean Martin and friends toasting in
The Ambushers,
1968
On Toasts, Really Irritating:
I drink to the Easter orphans, to all of us wicked little children banded together on the beaches and resorts from Florida to California to observe the rites of spring. Here’s to sex, sand, and suds!
Twentysomething Robert Conrad to the rest of the cast of supposed teenagers in
Palm Springs Weekend,
1963
On Tough Guys, Really Modest:
Delilah:
But you might have been hurt!
Samson:
It was nothing. It was only a
young
lion.
Hedy Lamarr and Victor Mature in the title roles, after Samson wrestles a lion to death with his hands in
Samson and Delilah,
1949
On Tough Guys, Tough-to-Follow Orders for:
Beat him out of recognizable shape!
English subtitle in Jackie Chan’s kung fu classic
Police Story II,
1988
On Tough Talk, Painful:
Dr. Elizabeth Clay:
I’ll give you a local.
Dalton:
No, thank you.
Dr. Elizabeth Clay:
Do you enjoy pain?
Dalton:
Pain don’t hurt.
Conversation between astoundingly beautiful emergency room doctor (Kelly Lynch) and incredibly cool new bar bouncer in town (Patrick Swayze), while she’s stitching up his knife wound in
Road House,
1989
On Tourist Traps, Literal:
Crazed townsperson (looking at the corpse of a tourist who was just pushed down a hill in a barrel with sharp nails hammered into it):
Doggone! If this ain’t the best centennial anybody ever had!
Two Thousand Maniacs,
1965
On Translation, Great Primate Moments in:
Amy the Talking Gorilla (pointing):
Mother!
Peter:
Mother?
Amy the Talking Gorilla:
Ooh, ooh!
Peter:
Oh, I see.
Africa
is your mother!
Amy the Talking Gorilla having a philosophical discussion with Dr. Peter Elliott (Dylan Walsh) at the end of
Congo,
1995
On Translations, Great Prehistoric Moments in:
Engor:
Jinay! Elko! Lito!
Narrator:
He has asked her [Tigri], if she is so wise and superior, why doesn’t she see if
she
can move the rock?
Engor’s (Allan Nixon’s) dialogue being explained in
Prehistoric Women,
1950
On Transplants, Bad Interracial Moments in:
The doctor blew it—he transplanted a WHITE BIGOT’S HEAD on a SOUL BROTHER’S BODY! Man, they’re really in deeeep trouble!
Advertisement for the blaxpoitation film
The Thing with Two Heads,
1972, starring Ray Milland (as the white bigot) and Rosie Grier (as the soul brother)
On Trash, Trash, Trash:
I know what ya think, that I’m trashy like my ma! … Trash, trash, trash, trash,
trash!
Half-breed Indian gal Jennifer Jones in
Duel in the Sun,
1946
On Trees, Hard to Imagine:
Nurse:
How did that tree get here?
Scientist:
In plain English, it walked here.
Nurse:
It’s hard to imagine carnivorous trees that move on their own roots.
Scientist:
Not carnivorous: omnivorous. All-devouring. He’ll eat anything—even other trees.
Mamie Van Doren and Walter Sande having a scientific discussion in
The Navy vs. the Night Monsters,
1966
On Trick Questions, Bizarre:
Abby:
Have you ever had the bad mumps?
Postman:
Never had the bad mumps.
Abby:
Syphilis? Nothin’ like that?
Postman:
[shakes head]
Abby:
So, as far as you know, you have good semen?
Postman:
Is that a trick question?
Young post-holocaust frontier woman, Abby (Olivia Williams), looking for a father for her wished-for child and hoping she’s found him in the visiting mailman (Kevin Costner) in
The Postman,
1997
On Tricky Words Men of Medical Science Use:
Psychiatrist:
You’re referring to the suicide of the transvestite?
Policeman:
If that’s the word you men of medical science use for a man who wears women’s clothing, yes.
Timothy Farrell as the doctor and Lyle Talbot as the cop in
Glen or Glenda?,
1952
On Trip Leaders, Good:
You can’t expect me to let you go trippin’ in a messed-up plane, do ya?
Bruce Dern in
The Trip,
1967
On Trips, Cool:
I don’t want to bring you down, but, like, let’s sort out the real from the trip.
Bruce Dern, as a tour guide for Peter Fonda’s acid trip in
The Trip,
1967
On Trips, Keeping:
I got a great deal: amphetamine caps, crystals, anything you want. No? Keep your trip.
Sleazy guy in a nightclub making a sales pitch in
Once a Thief,
1965
On Truth in Advertising, Actual:
Filmed on Actual Locations Where It
Could
Have Happened.
Poster for
The She Freak,
1967
On Truth, Indubitable:
Princess:
What if they kill you?
Ator:
Then I’d be dead.
Miles O’Keeffe and Sabrina Sari in
Ator, the Fighting Eagle,
1983
On Truth, Ultimate Answers About:
You want to know what truth is? Truth is pimples and garlic and armpits. That’s what truth is.
Bad cop to a hooker in the blaxploitation film
The Mack,
1973
On Truths, Obvious:
Time has little meaning here in the catalisosphere.
Alien explaining all in
Beyond the Time Barrier,
1960
On Tubby Older Men, Realness of:
Student:
I see you without your pajamas. I’m your link to reality.
Professor:
That’s not reality, honey. That’s flab.
Student:
Flab is reality.
Student Ann-Margret to lover and hip-but-old professor Anthony Quinn in
R.P.M.,
1970
On Turtles, Why They Step on People:
Gamera doesn’t mean to step on people. He’s just lonely. Even turtles get lonely sometimes.
Child defending a giant turtle who is terrorizing Tokyo in
Gamera, the Invincible,
1965
On Twin Peaks, Costarring:
What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair!
Ad for
Stroker Ace,
1983, starring the well-endowed Loni Anderson and Burt Reynolds
On Two-Headed Men, Possible Benefits of:
Girlfriend, looking at her now two-headed boyfriend’s crotch:
Honey, I was wondering … um … do you have two of anything else?
Chelsea Brown to two-headed Rosie Grier/Ray Milland man in
The Thing with Two Heads,
1972
On Two-Headed Monsters:
These things have a way of attracting attention, you know.
Concerned scientist to his wife after the two-headed-man-monster escapes from his lab in
The Manster,
1959
On Tycoons Who Won’t End Up on the Cover of
Forbes:
If only your father could see you now: the world’s richest man, crazy like a fox, wearing a dress, with parrot shit on his shoulders.
Alcoholic wife (Jane Lapotaire) to sad but wacky and rich Gene Hackman in
Eureka,
1981
On Ultra-cool Sayings, Too Cool:
Bam, et cetera!
George Maharis being ultra-cool in the face of ’60s-a-go-go violence in
The Happening,
1967
On Understatements, Great Moments in:
What a crazy day! The first time I’ve seen you in three years and we’re buried alive!
A woman, making conversation with an old boyfriend in
Cave-In!,
1983
On Understatements, Medical:
You’re sure it isn’t measles?
Lee Strasberg to famous doctor Richard Harris, who has trapped a demented terrorist afflicted with a horrible plague virus in
The Cassandra Crossing,
1976
On Understatements of the Century, Titanic:
This is bad.
Leonardo DiCaprio in
Titanic,
1997, as the ship hits the giant iceberg
On the Under-30 Crowd, Why to Watch Out for:
We outnumber the fuzz. We got more cats than little ol’ Mahatma Gandhi had.
Christopher Jones as a twenty-year-old rock star trying to take over the world from the over-thirty crowd in
Wild in the Streets,
1968
On Untranslatable Unpronounceable Names:
Although his name is untranslatable to any known Earth language, it would sound something like … Zontar!
NASA scientist explaining an alien invader in
Zontar, the Thing from Venus,
1968
On Vampires, Artificial:
We’re vampires, all right, but only in a synthetic sense.
Hip (and hippie) vampiress in
The Wild Wild World of Batwoman (She Was a Happy Vampire),
a.k.a
. She Was a Hippy [
sic
] Vampire,
1966
On Vampires of Color, Proclivities of:
African vampires don’t go for Chinese women.
Jackie Chan’s
Armour of God II: Operation Candor,
1991
On Venusians, Typically Uncooperative:
I think you’re wondering how you might get us to reveal our knowledge of interplanetary travel. And how you might force that information from us. Others of you are estimating the heights to which you might rise if you could
personally arrange for our cooperation in space travel techniques. Well, forget it.
The Venusian (Helmut Dantine), dashing all our hopes in
Stranger from Venus,
1954
On Viewing a Decapitated Head, Great Insights About:
Maybe his head just got loose and
fell
off!
Explanation given by detective (David Carradine) as to how a window washer was decapitated in
Q,
1982
On Vultan, Those Crazy Habits of:
Mongo security man:
The Earth people have been captured by hawkmen and taken to the sky city of King Vultan.
Ming:
Where no doubt Vultan will compel the Earth girl to marry him. It is a habit of his.
Flash Gordon,
1938
On Wabbits, Vewy Scawy:
The Terror of the Monster Rabbits—Out to Destroy Everything in their Path … They Multiply, They Weigh 150 Pounds, They’re Four Feet Tall—and They Kill … Dynamite Won’t Stop the Hopping of These Giants.
Ad for
Night of the Lepus,
1972
On Warnings, Kind of Confusing:
Beware! Beware! Beware of the big green dragon that sits on your doorstep! He eats little boys! Puppy dog tails! Big fat snails! Beware! Take care! Beware!
Narrator 2 (Bela Lugosi), describing a scene of buffalo herds and atom bombs in
Glen or Glenda?,
1953
On We Couldn’t Have Said It Better:
Takoora:
Mahorib! Stop this. What will Liongo think?
Mahorib:
Ogah yogo magia.
Takoora:
Harango!
Mahorib:
Hanama!
Takoora:
Penagullem!
Mahorib:
No. White devils kill.
Conversation between Takoora (Lois Hall) and the witch doctor Mahorib in
Daughter of the Jungle,
1949
On We Want to Know, To …:
I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis.
Mike (Dan Haggerty) in
Elves,
1989
On the Weird World of LSD:
We are about to take you into the world of the LSD user. A world that to him is real, yet is terrifying and unreal as anything ever imagined. We call his trip of terror: To Fly a Giant Bird.