Subject to Change (15 page)

Until his phone rang. He glanced at the number, and his eyes got that stormy look to them. He got up, stalking away from the table with the phone to his ear.

I tried not to look, but as he paced along the wall and talked into the phone, sometimes with animated hand gestures, I knew something was up. He came back to the table and slumped back into his seat.

I smoothed my hand along his leg.

“Business shit to deal with?” Nate asked. Clearly, he didn’t fit in with most of the frat boyfriends here and wanted to get back to food talk.

“No, it’s…” Hawk’s jaw clenched. “Fuck it. Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“What’s wrong?” Deep down, I knew. “Anything I can do?”

“Christ, Joey. I said I don’t want to talk about it right now. There’s nothing you can do. When will you get that?” The phone rang again, and we all jumped. He didn’t say so much as an “excuse me” as he left the table again.

Both Cat and Nate looked at me with pity. There was something else bubbling up in my eyes — a frickin’ ocean of tears. It was one thing to be rough around the edges. It was quite another to talk me down in front of my best friend and her boyfriend at date party.

So I did what sorority-Joey would do — I excused myself to the bathroom and instead went in search of a drink. I handed some cash over to the bartender and leaned against the bar, downing one — or maybe two or three shots — then sipping another Jack and Coke, caring less and less about how far my skirt was riding up on my legs.

A few minutes later Hawk walked up looking majorly stressed. “Hey, Joey, I’ve gotta get out of here.”

My voice was like sludge, and slurred words slid off my tongue. “Heading back to the bar to clean up after Gary again? Too much to do down there and no time to deal with ‘shit like this’?” I even used air quotes.

Hawk’s face froze the slightest bit. He backed away from me a step, giving me a strange, half-suspicious, half-angry look. “No. It’s fucking Olivia again, if you have to know.”

“Yeah. I do have to know. You’re my boyfriend.”

Hawk shook his head and stared off into the distance. “And that means you have to keep tabs on me?”

I tried to remind myself that he was going through a lot right now. “What’d she do?”

“Got caught drinking.”

“Hasn’t she done that before?”

“And selling pot. Out of her locker.”

“Oh. Shit.”

“Yeah, that’s an understatement. My aunt and uncle just found out tonight, and between her screaming and slamming doors and dealing with the police, they really don’t want to deal with her, too, and I don’t blame them. I promised to keep her with me while she’s suspended from school and we figure out her other shit since I’m still her legal guardian. But I have to go get her tonight.”

The edges of the room were fuzzy, and Hawk and the words he was saying blurred together in one messy picture. “Shit, Hawk. Want me to come with you?”

Hawk’s eyes swept down over me the same way they had the first time we’d met. Like he didn’t know me and didn’t particularly want to. My heart wrenched.

“No, you know what? You stay. Enjoy your little party. I have more important shit to do.”

He stood there for the longest few seconds of my life while I stared at him, my mouth hanging open. Hawk hadn’t been that rude to me since almost two months ago. I’d thought I’d uncovered his true colors — found the sweet, sensitive, wounded Hawk — but damn. This was frickin’ ridiculous. I was just glad none of my friends were watching.

“Cat can get you home, right?”

“Nate will,” I choked out. “He doesn’t drink.”

“Of course not. Of course beefcake boy doesn’t drink.” Hawk blew out a breath. ”I’ll see you Tuesday.” Then he was gone.

The room really spun now. “Tuesday” was business class day. This was Friday night. In the past six weeks, we’d barely gone forty-eight hours without seeing each other.

I managed to pull my phone back out of my bag and text Cat. If there was anything I knew about the girl, it was that she was so attached to her phone that she wouldn’t have left it at the table, even to dance. She had once actually designed her own dress so she could slip it into a hidden pocket.

I managed to pull up Cat’s number, then mashed at the touch keypad. Why did my fingers have to be so frickin’ fat?

csn yoiy tuake me heime

LOL. Oh, Jo. What happened to Hawk?

I squinted at the words.
He hd shiogyrei to do at homerer.

I slammed the phone down on the bar, exhausted from my effort.

Two minutes later, Cat rounded the corner out of the restaurant’s makeshift dance floor. She sidled up to me and leaned up against the bar.

“So I take it he left?”

I nodded, staring into my drink.

“Did you fight?”

I leaned my head on her shoulder and nodded, then shrugged.

“I can’t see your body movements when you’re mashed into my side, sweetie.”

“Yes? No? I don’t know? I’m kind of drunk.”

“I can see that.”

“Can Nate…?” My tongue was thick and tangly in my mouth.

“Yeah, he’s getting your coat from the table.”

The ride back in Nate’s big SUV was uneventful. Thank God it rode nicely, and since none of us had much to say, Nate made small talk with the story of how he’d finally convinced his dad to have it shipped back over winter break and how happy he was not to have to pay for cabs anymore.

Through my head fog, I vaguely heard Cat say that she was going to stay the night with me, just in case, and I wanted to cry with relief and love for her. That girl loved her boyfriend but not more than she loved me.

She got the door unlocked, and at the top of the stairs, she said, “I’m gonna find your pajamas. You go wash your face and brush your teeth and then we’ll pry you out of that ridiculous dress.”

When I stepped out of my shoes, I wanted to sob with relief. My feet radiated pain in long waves. What the hell was I thinking, wearing heels like that? Or wearing a dress like this? Or expecting Hawk to fit in at this event where I acted like I the Josephine my mother wanted, not the Joey I was?

I scrubbed at my eyes for ten long seconds, praying I got the heavy smoky shadow to come off so I wouldn’t crawl into bed and smudge it all over my pillows. My contacts were so dry I could barely see in the mirror, so those came out next. That just made everything fuzzier. I ran a toothbrush through my mouth and then trudged into the bedroom.

Cat had found fuzzy pants and a big t-shirt for me, and she stretched my dress up over my legs, pried it away from my waist, and commanded, “Arms up, and wiggle.” My arms felt like heavy noodles, but I managed to lift them, and finally, it came up over my head.

Cat smirked. “Cute thong, girl.”

“Shut up,” I moaned. The hot pink scrap of underwear was new and intended for Hawk’s eyes only. Or maybe just his hands.

Cat giggled. “Oh, you can re-wear them. Bra.”

I unhooked my bra with fumbling fingers, and at the same time it fell to the ground, Cat pulled the blissfully soft cotton shirt down over my head.

“It’s never gonna happen,” I whined. “He frickin’ hates me.”

“He doesn’t hate you. He’s a stupid moody boy. Probably moodier tonight than usual, am I right?” Cat held out the pants, but I shook my head and just climbed under the covers.

“I just wanted to have fun with him. He’s so stressed all the time.”

“I know,” Cat said, yanking the pins out of my hair. “Nate can be kind of a buzzkill at these things, too. Hates drinking, hates stupid girls staring at him. Which they always do. Basically hates everything sorority social life is.”

“So how do you deal with that?” I mumbled into the pillow.

“I don’t really have to. I care about him more than a date party. He cares about me more than he cares about arguing. When I drag him to stuff, we leave early, and it doesn’t really matter because we’re upperclassmen.”

“Why do you guys have to be so grown up and normal?” I whined, feeling my head really throb for the first time.

Cat laughed. “I think this conversation is pointless right now. But I’m going to get you some Tylenol and Gatorade, so at least you can sober-text Hawk tomorrow and talk to him. Don’t fall asleep.”

But I really wasn’t interested in hydrating or sobering up or even really talking about me and Hawk. All I wanted was him next to me and for tonight’s fiasco to just go away.

Chapter 14

The next
morning, my head was so heavy I could barely lift it off my pillow. And when I did, a pounding pain radiated through it, making it impossible to stay upright for long. I cracked one eye open to see the rough shape of a bottle of brightly colored liquid with a straw sticking out of it waiting on my nightstand. There was a Post-it stuck to it, but the words were blurry, illegible.

I reached my hand out and plucked the paper off the bottle, drawing it close to me and blinking hard in hopes of reading it. Slowly, my vision started to normalize.

Down this as quickly as possible. You’ll feel human again soon.

I squeezed my eyes shut and groaned. The thought of forcing anything down my throat at that moment was too much.

There was a light knock on the door, and Cat’s tall, blonde head peeked in.

I turned my head and mumbled into the pillow. “You stayed last night? You didn’t leave for Nate’s?”

“No, doofus. You’re my best friend, and I love you. And someone needed to bring your sorry ass some hydration.” She perched on the edge of the bed. “Come on. You’re not that hung over. The sooner we fix you up, the sooner you can talk to Hawk. Or yell at him. You were too drunk to tell me the whole story.”

Prying myself off the bed wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be, especially with Cat supporting my back. When I did sit up, my head throbbed for a few seconds but then faded away a bit. But now that it didn’t hurt, my mouth felt like I’d eaten sand. I motioned for the bottle and downed half the radioactive-looking liquid in a couple gulps.

“Good girl.” Cat handed me a small cup with white pills. “Take some painkillers now and then drink some more. I’m going to find you a decent outfit. And a towel, so you can get in the shower. You stink.”

Two hours later, I’d managed to shower, pull my hair into a loose bun, and text Hawk twice — using non-slurred type — with no response. I sat cross-legged on my bed, staring at my phone.

Cat’s eyebrows pinched together. “I don’t think he’s the texting kind of guy. Didn’t he do this the last time you fought?”

“That wasn’t a fight. That was Olivia.” As soon as I said her name, the memories of the night before washed back over me. “Shit. Olivia. He’s dealing with Olivia.”

“And you can’t get a hold of him?”

I shook my head. “You know what? I’m just gonna go over there.”

“Jo, are you sure?”

I hoisted myself up off the bed, and my head felt a tiny bit spinny but nothing like it had a couple hours ago. “What time is it?”

Cat glanced at her phone. “Almost noon. You slept forever.”

“Yeah, they should be up.”

“What if he’s not there? “

“Then I’ll just come home. No big deal.” But the possibility that Hawk would either not be there or not want to see me was a big deal. A huge deal. Because the truth was, I was desperate to be back next to the one guy, the one thing, who had shown me it was okay to let go, to listen to my heart, to do what I knew, deep down, was right for me.

“Okay, but drink another half bottle of water before you do. At least. And then pee.”

“Words of wisdom.” I gave Cat a quick hug on my way out of the room. “Tell Nate I’m sorry about last night.”

She shrugged. “Eh, he’ll have plenty more nights with me. And at least you didn’t throw up on him.”

“Please. I may have lost some tolerance, but alcohol-puking is for amateurs.”

Cat laughed. “Just…take care of yourself. Don’t take no for an answer.”

I winked. “I never do.”

If only I felt as confident as I sounded.

Luckily, I caught the once-an-hour Saturday bus down to Sansom in just a few minutes. I told myself that my excellent timing must have meant that Hawk and I were meant to talk this morning. Must have.

When I got off the bus, I tried texting Hawk one more time. No answer. Maybe his phone was just on vibrate, and it needed a longer ringtone for him to hear it. That totally happened to me sometimes.

You’re getting close to crazy, Joey
, I told myself as I pulled his number up.

But I didn’t care. The phone rang once, twice, then kept going for an agonizing half a minute. No answer.

I blew out a breath, and it steamed out in a billowing cloud in the damp March morning air. I had two choices: I could get back on the bus and keep texting and calling into nothingness, or I could just try knocking. I knew from experience that letting an argument fester was no good — peoples’ memories got warped, and they forgot about the real reasons they were fighting, as well as the reasons they didn’t really want to fight with that person in the first place.

Even though my grasp on why I wanted to keep Hawk in my life so badly wasn’t entirely clear, there was no arguing that I didn’t want us to be fighting anymore.

So I marched up to his door and pressed the buzzer that called up to the apartment. I waited five excruciating seconds, then a loud click followed by static came through.

“Yeah?” It was definitely Olivia.

“It’s Joey.”

“You sound like a girl.”

“I am a girl.”

“Are you Hawk’s girl? Wait – are you that girl I saw the other week? I knew you were someone important!”

“I…I guess. Is he around?”

“Hold on — I’ll buzz you up.”

The box buzzed, and then a loud click came from the heavy metal door. I yanked it open and practically raced up the stairs. My heart pounded in my chest, and it had nothing to do with taking the steps two at a time. I had to force myself to stand still and take a couple deep breaths.

Then the door to the apartment flew open.

It was the first time I’d really gotten a good look at Olivia. I’d pictured her tall, commanding, but she was only an inch or two taller than me and just as thin. She wore a pair of Hawk’s boxers and one of his shirts, her long, dark curly hair puffing up and forming a wild halo around her head, just like Hawk’s did. Her pouty lips were full, and she had high cheekbones and a strong jaw, just like Hawk. Her resemblance to her brother was unmistakable, and I felt the same pang in my heart that I did when I realized how similar I looked to my siblings. It was a strong reminder that family bonds were strong, inescapable.

Something I needed to remember more often apparently.

“You can come in,” she said, watching me. I realized I’d been standing there like an idiot not saying a word.

“Sorry,” I said. “Guess it’s early for a Saturday.”

Her mouth quirked up in a smile the same way Hawk’s did when he wanted to show amusement but was being shy. I followed her into the apartment, and she plopped down into the huge armchair. Thankfully, it wasn’t the couch, or I would have died of embarrassment with the memory of what Hawk and I had done there so many times over the last couple weeks. I ignored the memories and sank down onto one of the couch cushions.

“Do you need coffee or anything?”

When she wasn’t throwing bike helmets on the ground and raging in the dark, she seemed small, sweet. Just a seventeen-year-old kid. “I’m good, thanks.”

We sat there for a few seconds, but the silence stretching between us made it feel like hours.

“Hawk just got in the shower. He takes a long-ass time in there.”

I nodded, grinning. “I know.”

“Right. You’re Hawk’s girl.”

“I guess so,” I said again. Sounding that dismissive about our relationship damn near killed me, but what else could I do? I didn’t know this girl at all, but the one thing I did know was that I didn’t want to get caught in the middle of a shouting match with her or start one between her and Hawk.

“He doesn’t usually keep girls around for long, but your shit is everywhere in this apartment. You must be special.”

My heart twinged, both at the mention of Hawk ever being with another girl and the outsider’s perspective that I was somehow different. But between the speculation and the embarrassment of last night, I really couldn’t handle it. Thank God, she jumped in again.

“He told me he met you doing charity work.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you guys go to the house where the sick kids’ families stay.”

“Right. Yes. I’m actually pre-med, and I started going there after I shadowed one of the doctors.”

“Is it okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, being around sick kids. Is it okay? Do you freak out or anything?”

“Not really.”

“It’s just… I used to be in the hospital. Like, I was really sick. And I don’t… I just don’t know. If I could.”

“I know you were,” I said, but then fell silent. I had no clue what to say next.

She let her head fall back on the chair. “He must really fucking like you. He doesn’t tell most people about that whole thing. Whatever. I’m asking because I have to do community service. I got sentenced to it the last time I fucked up at school. Hawk’s pissed because I didn’t tell him till last night, but I didn’t want to bother him, you know? He’s so fucking busy with the bar all the time.”

I just nodded.

“Anyway, do you go there a lot? Because maybe I could like…I don’t know. It’s hard to get a volunteer gig unless you know someone. You’d think a kid could just volunteer, but there are applications, interviews. Background checks.”

I pushed my eyebrows up and nodded. “Yeah, I’ve been going a few afternoons a week. Give me your number, and I’ll text you next time I’m going. Can you find your way there?”

Olivia snorted and nodded. “I think so.” She rattled off her number, and I quickly put it in my phone. This was kind of thrilling, I realized — some way I could take some of the burden of Olivia off of Hawk’s hands.

Just then, the door to the bathroom pulled open, and Hawk came out in sweats with no shirt, rubbing at his hair with a huge towel. As stressed as I was about the conversation I knew we were about to have, it was all I could do to keep from drooling. And seeing those tattoos reminded me of all the times I’d licked them top to bottom and made him groan or the times we’d been so athletic in bed that they’d glistened with sweat.

“Christ, Hawk, you could put some clothes on. We have company.”

Hawk sucked in a breath and froze where he stood. “We — oh shit. Olivia, could you give us a minute?”

“And hang out in your nasty guy bedroom? No. Joey and I are friends now anyway.”

Hawk shot me a look that was a mix of surprise and apology.

I laughed. “It’s true.”

Olivia leaned back in her chair threading her fingers together, a look of satisfaction on her face.

I turned to Hawk. “I tried to call. Did your phone die again?”

“Yeah. Just the battery.”

“And you couldn’t plug it in?”

Hawk’s eyes flashed, and I knew it had been the wrong question at the wrong time. The room filled with silence.

Olivia eyed the both of us warily. “I’m gonna go outside for a cigarette.”

Hawk’s mouth tightened into a thin line.

She sighed heavily. “Just tobacco, okay? I swear. No trouble.”

Hawk blew out a breath as she banged out the door. “She used to be such a good kid.” There he went, rubbing the back of his neck again. “Anyway. What are you doing here?”

“You ask that like I haven’t practically lived here for the past few weeks.”

Hawk threw a hand up in the air. “It was my sister. I’ve been dealing with her by myself since my Dad died. There’s no reason to involve you in that mess. Last night was rough. She was here in the apartment screaming and throwing shit and locking herself in my bedroom and it was just…not okay.”

I shook my head. “I can handle it, Hawk. I want to be with you. I want to help.”

Hawk snorted. “No, you don’t. I don’t think you can help with this. And honestly, I don’t know if I want you to.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, we all know that you have your problems, and they are about too much homework and too much to drink. And my problems are the real, grown-up kind. I don’t want to disturb your college drama.”

It was a damn low blow, and normally I would have said goodbye right then and there. But I knew Hawk, knew how he was with his sister. I could have guessed it was coming, and I knew he didn’t really mean it.

That didn’t mean I was letting him completely off the hook. “Well, I guess that’s your problem. Because lately, my ‘college drama,’ as you put it, has pretty much revolved around you.”

Hawk swallowed and stared at his feet. He knew. He had to know just how much I cared. In a gentler voice, I added, “Besides, you could have come over to my place, Hawk. You could have at least called.” My voice dropped. “I was worried. You know?”

Hawk rolled his eyes, and my stomach soured. “I didn’t want to leave her alone. And honestly, I didn’t know what to say. I feel like shit about what I said, but that was fucking weird.”

“What was weird?”

“I don’t know. The whole thing. I didn’t belong there, at that party. In that world of yours. I just don’t fit.”

He wouldn’t make eye contact, wouldn’t even look at me. His expression remained stone-dead. It was the look of someone who didn’t give a shit about the person he was talking to.

I swallowed a lump in my throat. “What do you mean? What are you saying?”

He rolled his eyes, like he was telling my stupidity to fuck off. “I don’t know. I felt like I had to dress up just to play your boyfriend. And when they asked about my major, and the way you said I wasn’t taking more than a couple classes ‘right now’… Joey, you know I’m never going to be taking more than a couple classes, right? I am who I am. I’m not going to change.”

I shook my head, confused. “How are you ever going to graduate?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I won’t.”

I felt like there was a glitch in my brain. “Okay, but then why are you even taking classes at all?” I fought the icky, judgmental feeling deep inside me that said I might never have started dating him if I’d known he didn’t plan to be a college graduate.

“Keep your voice down, okay? I don’t want to piss her off even more.”

I shook my head like I’d been slapped. It certainly felt like I had. “Explain to me exactly what about that would piss your sister off. And why you care so much more about her being pissed off than you care about me being pissed off.”