Substitute for Love (7 page)

“Life’s too short for every bit of food we eat to be viewed as some sort of medicine. I eat salmon because I love it, not for the supposed cancer-fighting fish oil. Sometimes, a salmon is just a salmon. With herbed butter.”

Holly laughed. “And wrapped in puff pastry?”

“There ya go. Now you’re talking.” Tori was grinning. She turned her wide smile to the woman who approached their table with notebook in hand. “Hey, Tish. What’s shaking?”

Tish slid into the booth next to Tori with a sigh. “Both busboys called in sick plus one server and Friday afternoons are my busiest time of the whole week. TGIE I’ll age a year before midnight.” Tish looked to be in her mid-forties, and her thick black hair was streaked with silver.

“I’m unemployed. I could clear tables for you.”

“Unemployed? When the hell did that happen?”

“Yesterday. I ran smack into a homophobe with the authority to fire my queer little ass.”

“That sucks. You going to sue?”

“I don’t know. I’ll probably never get satisfaction. Geena was reading up on it last night, and unless I can show some sort of pattern on this guy’s part I don’t have much more than he said/she said.”

“You’ve got me,” Holly interjected. “Though I suppose he could just claim I misunderstood.”

“This is Holly,” Tori said to Tish. “She’s straight, but she quit in protest. Isn’t that amazing?”

“You did a good thing,” Tish said to Holly.

Unused to her sexuality being in question, Holly shrugged to hide her sudden discomfort. “I’ll admit that my boyfriend and aunt thought I acted … precipitously. But I don’t.”

“That’s what matters,” Tish said sagely. “They’re not looking in your mirror every morning. What can I get you?”

They ordered and Tish heaved herself back to her feet. “If you’re serious, doll, I could put you to work.”

“Geena’s taking me out tonight, but my body is yours until four.”

“Promises, promises — if only I had time for that,” Tish said over her shoulder.

“Tish and I go way back,” Tori explained. “She’s sort of like a big sister. Took me under her wing when I was coming out.”

“I didn’t know lesbians had mentors.” Holly couldn’t help smiling.

Tori spluttered into her water. “I never thought of it that way. Tish, uh, showed me the ropes. Because I was clueless about certain things.”

“I think I understand.” Holly decided that pretending she understood all the nuances was the safest course of action. She felt flustered and foolish and didn’t want it to show.

“Are you sure you’re straight?” Tori was grinning too broadly for it to be anything but a joke.

“Same man, eight years — it does add up that way.”

“If you ever change your mind, I know several single women — nice women, mind you. Good mate material.”

More seriously than she intended, Holly asked, “Does it happen that way? Do people really just change their mind?”

Tori’s air of teasing faded. “You’re right, of course. If you hang out much with me you will get teased about being straight, which I suppose is not fair, because I don’t think I’d appreciate having anyone suggest that I could change my sexuality on a whim.”

“I wasn’t offended,” Holly said quickly.

Tori was nodding and looking relieved. “Well, no one assumes that heterosexuality is a phase.”

“I hadn’t thought of that.”

“But if you ever want to know something, just ask,” Tori said seriously. “I’ll be happy to help you out.”

Holly snickered.

Tori flushed. “Uh, okay, that didn’t come out the way I meant it to. What I meant was, just because I was discreet at work doesn’t mean I’m naturally shy about being a lesbian. I’m not. Don’t think you’ll ruffle my feathers if you want to ask something. In fact, most of the gay people I know consider themselves ambassadors to the straight world. Our job is to patiently educate and therefore eliminate fear and hatred.” Tori ended with one hand on her heart and the other in the split-fingered Vulcan greeting.

Holly laughed again and decided she liked Tori. It was too bad that the corporate culture at Alpha had prevented them from forming a friendship. “My Aunt Zinnia, who is old and has always been disagreeable, believes that the only way gay people can increase their numbers is through recruitment.”

“Blech.” Tori’s upper lip curled. “I hate that one. I’m sure she also thinks we stalk children. Yuck.”

Their lunches arrived with extra plates and they quickly divvied up the gnocchi and salad. Holly ate every bit of spinach in its balsamic vinaigrette by way of compensation for the delectable potato dumplings and the heavy cream and cheese sauce. “Tish serves wonderful food,” she admitted to Tori.

To her surprise, Tori abruptly frowned. “Yeah, but she has this thing about letting anybody in.”

A shadow fell over Holly’s plate and the next thing she knew a long-limbed brunette was sliding into the booth next to her, not so gently using her hips to bump Holly farther in to make room. “Hey, Tori. How’s tricks?”

“Murphy.”

In the prolonged silence that followed, Holly was aware that Murphy was studying her, but Holly looked anywhere but at the woman. Tori was obviously not pleased to see her and Holly didn’t want to interfere.

“Still holding a grudge? I don’t know why.”

Tori sipped her coffee, then resumed eating the last of her gnocchi.

“Who’s this?”

Holly looked Murphy in the eye, at first because she found the woman’s tone overly familiar, and then because Murphy’s hand was on her knee. She did not like being pawed by men and saw no reason not to resent it just as much from a woman. “Remove your hand.”

The hand retreated, but Murphy winked.

“Leave, Murph,” Tori snapped. “I mean it.”

“Your new squeeze. Did you finally leave Geena? I’d almost respect you if you have.”

“Do the right thing, for once, and just go.”

Murphy turned in the booth toward Holly, leaning toward her with an air of shared intimacy. “She was crazy about me once.” She made a leisurely examination of her right hand, flexing and curling her fingers and examining her cuticles. “Make that twice.”

Tori flushed and turned her head away.

“Whereas you obviously disliked and disrespected her,” Holly observed, as congenially as if they were discussing the weather. She had always hated conflict, but apparently she was getting over that. “Otherwise you would never go out of your way to embarrass her in front of a friend in this manner. Or is this a schoolyard thing, where you punch the one you love?”

For just a moment Murphy looked nonplussed, then her mocking smile returned. “The mouse that roared, I see. Catch you later, T.” She slid out of the booth with a graceful push and went back the way she had come.

“I am so sorry about that, Holly.”

“It’s no big deal,” Holly answered, though she was miffed. Mouse that roared, indeed.

“Geena and I called it quits once, about three years ago. I was miserable and let Murphy too close one night—”

“You don’t have to explain. I’m not judging you. I just didn’t know lesbians could be boors.”

“I just didn’t want you to think I’m something I’m not.”

Remembering Clay’s comment that no one looked like their sex life, Holly tried to put Tori back at ease. “It isn’t really any of my business, is it? To each her own. I sincerely believe that.”

“I know you do.” Tori hesitated, then said slowly, “Alpha rewarded people who worked hard, and we both worked pretty damned hard. I think if we’d spent a little more time away from our desks, we might have been friends, you know what I mean?”

“Yes, I do. I was thinking that myself, just a few minutes ago.”

Tori was still choosing her words with care. “And part of my feeling is that we have some values in common, impressions I have of the kind of person you are and you must have of me. Like I said, I just don’t want you to think I’m something I’m not. Murphy was such a mistake. I knew it at the time, but I was so unhappy. She taught me something about myself I didn’t know, but that wasn’t worth the trouble she’s been since.” Tori flushed. “Geena knows it happened. I told her everything Murphy—” She broke off, but her color continued to rise. “Anyway…”

Eager to turn the subject away from sex, Holly asked, “What did you fight about, if you don’t mind my asking.”

“Money. Long and short of it.” Tori grabbed at the subject as if it were a lifeline. “I made more of it than she did at the time, and we were both pigheaded about it. She would always make a point of telling me when something she bought me had come from her money. I always said that we were a couple and what was mine was hers. But then I would decide to do something extravagant and excuse it by saying it was with my money. We had a knockdown drag out about buying a new car. I wanted to spend more than she did and acted like my higher salary ought to be the tiebreaker. Things were said that we both resented.”

“But you patched it up.”

“Yeah.” Tori’s color was back to normal and she scooped up her last spoonful of gnocchi and sauce. She swallowed quickly and added, “After I was with Murphy I realized that I had been playing house with Geena. Pretending to commitment. We lived together and slept together and said that we loved each other, but except for my body I’d never really given her anything I valued. Not my absolute trust, and not my future. I had to stop being so self-reliant and lean on her some if I was going to really let Geena into my life. And vice versa.”

Every word struck a chord in Holly, and she was aware, again, of how distant she had felt from Clay yesterday. His failure to leave his perspective for even a moment in order to empathize with her decision had left her faith in his judgment badly shaken. “Did she feel the same way?”

Tori nodded. “She did, and since I think that of the two of us she’s far wiser, I knew I was on the right track. We pool all our money now, and we have to decide together on something major. We started planning our retirement — discussing really long-term issues. Where we want to live in another ten years, if we want to have kids. All those things. We’d avoided them before.” She shook her head with a self-deprecating sigh. “Damn Murphy anyway. She’s such an arrogant shit because she’s good in bed, and it was, well, an eye-opening night for me. But it didn’t matter. As soon as my head cleared I wanted Geena. I wanted it to be Geena loving me like that because I wanted her with me forever.”

“I understand,” Holly murmured. Try as she might, she could not picture herself some thirty years in the future and still enduring lectures about the decisions she made. She could not imagine another fifteen years of hiding her lapses into food that was bad for her, or even five years of doing the household work that Clay found too disruptive to his search for inner peace. She could not, she knew with a heartsick shudder, imagine even another night of digging down deep and pretending. Tori had experienced something with Murphy — and for years with Geena — some physical bond Holly could not fully understand. Eight years with Clay and she had no way of appreciating what a night of pure passion might be like.

It was all seeping away from her, her certainty that she had chosen well, that she was living a good life, that Clay’s path was worth her commitment and support.

God, she thought, what am I considering?

She had been fine this morning. That she had calculated it would take seventeen boxes in two carloads to remove her clothing and belongings from Clay’s house was irrelevant in the morning light. What exactly had he done to warrant her leaving him?

Jo’s voice — or was it her own? He’s done exactly what he’s done to make you stay: nothing.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she said automatically. “I was just remembering something I forgot to do.”

“I’ve been jawing your ear off.”

“No, I was really interested. Money is a tricky subject.” How could she explain that she made very few of the decisions about how they would spend their earnings, that is, when they spent it on anything other than the basics. Her savings account was substantial. She was putting money down on the mortgage over and above the payment to pay it off sooner. That was just common sense when they could afford it. It occurred to her, now that she had to face some sobering realities, that she had not cared at the time that her name wasn’t on the title to the house. Fine. Clay’s name wasn’t on her savings account.

God, she thought again. Is it going to come down to this? Am I this petty? When did I get this angry?

Tish dropped off their check and Tori scooped it up.

“Let me, please. As a thank you for what you did yesterday.”

“You don’t have—”

“I know. But I want to.”

Holly hesitated, then said, “Next time I’ll buy.”

Tori smiled brightly. “It’s a deal.”

Tish had lingered after delivering the check. “I really could use the extra hands, sweets, if you were serious.”

“I was,” Tori said. “You know I’d scrub pots for a week for you.”

“In that case, I’ll take care of the check.” Tish snapped the paper from Tori’s hand.

Tori muttered, “Just keep me away from Murphy.”

“I did try, but you were deep in your cups at the time.”

Tori laughed at that. “Okay, let me rephrase. Keep Murphy away from me unless you want a homicide on the premises.”

“She’s about ready to leave,” Tish said. “I’m sure she has to get her beauty sleep before she goes to Jack’s tonight.”

“I was thinking about asking Geena if she wanted to dance the night away, since it’s the first Friday of the month. But you think Murphy will be there, huh?”

“Yeah, when isn’t she? I’m going to work your butt off—you’ll deserve a night on the town.”

“Jack’s is not exactly the Ritz.” Tori turned to Holly. “It’s the nearest gay bar and on first Fridays they have Ladies’ Night. It’s pretty much a dive, but it beats fighting traffic all the way to West Hollywood or Laguna Beach. Though the bar where Melissa Etheridge used to play is very nice.”

“You should treat yourself to whatever you want,” Holly advised. “I have to be in Ventura by eight.”

Tori glanced at her watch. “You have to leave by, what, three? You’d better hit the road.”

“Fortunately it won’t take me long to get ready.”