Such Men Are Dangerous (41 page)

TOM

And you more than most. (Looks significantly towards LINDA and TREVOR) But, anyway, I’m sure you’re well aware you’re fudging the issue. Once again.

WILLIAM

You’re such a great big dope in some ways. Even if you do think up some rather good titles.
Camels and Needles and Moonshine
. May I use that for my next book? I’ll credit you, of course.

TOM

What next book?

WILLIAM

I suppose you don’t believe there’ll be one. In your eyes I’m all washed up? A has-been?

TOM

Albeit a suntanned has-been. But I can see why a title like that would excite you. A story of humps and pricks in the waning light. Who’s got the hump, because who’s doing the humping and so who’s got—?

NORAH

Enough! Oh, this is too much! Now you’ve really gone too far!

TREVOR

Tell me, is he just going to get away with it?

NORAH

Remember what happened upstairs? I’ve already slapped your face once tonight! Do you want me to slap it again?

WILLIAM

It’s a story of one so sharp that someday, if he doesn’t learn, he’s going to cut himself off beyond all hope of repair.

TOM

Learn what? What is it that you’ve learned—after your long, frustrated, cocked-up life?

WILLIAM

Norah. Trevor. Let me tell him what I’ve learned. I don’t know what I’ve learned…That when people are unhappy they very often don’t mean one word of what they say? That, for instance, “Go away, I won’t discuss it!” usually means, “Please stay with me and can’t we talk?” That, “I’m not hungry, I shan’t eat!” is far more likely, “Don’t give up on me, I just need you to be patient.”

TOM

And is that the grand sum total?

WILLIAM

Well, at least it’s something. Better than nowt.

TOM

No, it isn’t. Others may find that wonderfully affecting; I find it simply part of the facade—an offshoot of all those awful Forties tearjerkers that you love to sit and cry over. Didn’t Mum herself say as much earlier on—before she sobered up or changed sides or buried her head again, whatever?

TOM

(Cont) Because the thing is, you see, it’s all about you. I wish I were the fastest runner in the world. I wish I were an actor—one of the company, all of us pulling together, intent on the common cause. I wish I were a swimmer; I wish I were a skier; I wish I were Fred Astaire. All you, you, you! Nothing but you!

WILLIAM

I was only saying that I don’t like to see anyone unhappy.

TOM

And that makes you so different, does it, to everybody else?

WILLIAM

I didn’t suggest that.

TREVOR

It’s no good. I’m sorry but I’ve simply got to say it. I think you’re such a bastard. Snide and bitter and vindictive. Ungrateful, too. You’d never get away with it in most families.

LINDA

Yours?

TREVOR

Not in mine, certainly. Never in a hundred years. (To WILLIAM and NORAH) Would you rather I left?

WILLIAM

Just when you’re beginning to learn the house rules—and play by them? Never!

NORAH

Trevor, we wouldn’t hear of it.

TREVOR

(To LINDA) Would you?

LINDA

Oh, sit down—don’t be a wally—even if you do seem to think your own family so much better than mine!

NORAH

Linda, stop it! This instant! Stop it! Do you hear?

WILLIAM

Turn on me if you like but don’t you dare turn on Trevor. None of this is Trevor’s fault.

TREVOR

Not better. Better behaved, perhaps. Though I don’t mean your mother. And I don’t mean ‘perhaps’. And I don’t mean, either, that it’s necessarily a plus. (Directed at TOM, with a wry grin) Only sometimes.

TOM

But you still think I’m a bastard?

TREVOR

A lot of the time—yes.

TOM

And shall I tell you what I think of you?

TREVOR

By all means.

TOM

I think you’re more honest than I believed.

TREVOR

But?

TOM

No buts. I’ve remembered, too, about that thousand pounds.

TREVOR

‘And that makes me so different, does it, to everybody else’?

TOM

(With a smile) It certainly makes you richer. (Smile goes) And it means that at least you don’t just sit and gab.

WILLIAM

All right, Tom. You want actions? You shall have actions.

TOM

Crikey! Is he going to kiss me or kill me? And tell me quickly, someone: which would I prefer?

WILLIAM

I’m going to do neither. (Bends to take something off the floor)

TOM

Oh, God, he’s offering me his bottom.

WILLIAM

You should be so lucky! I happen, you mutt, to be picking up that gauntlet you’ve thrown down.

TOM

Oh? A duel? To the death? Yippee! Rapiers or pistols?

WILLIAM

Press-ups.

TOM

Oh, no! You fiendish brute! Anything but that! Anything but that! (To LINDA) I suppose you wouldn’t care to take my place?

WILLIAM

Don’t worry: it’s only a one-way duel. Duet for one. All you need do is witness. And eat crow.

TOM

Two-hundred-and-fifty?

WILLIAM

Yes.

TOM

Non-stop?

WILLIAM

Yes.

TOM

Supposing I lose? What, then? What do I have to do?

WILLIAM

So far as you can—soften your attitude. Try not to be such a clever clogs.

TOM

I have to admit: it
is
rather tempting.

WILLIAM

A deal?

NORAH

You’re not serious?

WILLIAM

Et tu, Norah? Don’t you have any faith left, either?

NORAH

Oh, William, don’t be so foolish. You’d have a heart attack. You’d kill yourself. No. What I think you’d better do—something a
lot
more useful—is accompany me upstairs, to make up the spare bed.

WILLIAM

After I’ve killed myself. I’ll be with you in spirit. Turning the mattress, tucking in the sheet.

NORAH

No, actually I forbid it…Trevor, would you try to stop him. You’re the only one, I think, whom he might listen to.

TREVOR

Mrs Freeman—I mean Norah—it’s not as if he doesn’t put in lots of practice. It’s not as if he’d be doing it after a long period of…well, of not doing it.

NORAH

But you aren’t making any allowances for…

TREVOR

What?

NORAH

Braggadocio.

TOM

Oy, oy, oy! Now who’s the clever clogs?

NORAH

(Still to TREVOR) Perhaps a little harmless exaggeration, which suddenly mayn’t be quite so harmless.

TREVOR

William, you’re not being forced into anything—and certainly no one’s going to consider you’ve lost face if you decide against it, or if you find you just can’t manage it…But on the other hand I think that somehow it might do us all a spot of good if you did feel like carrying on.

WILLIAM

And afterwards I’ll give you an arm wrestle.

TREVOR

Done! But don’t kid yourself you’ll find it such a pushover. I’m quite a cool hand at arm wrestling.

WILLIAM

We’ll move back this chair here.

TOM

And this one. Let’s give the fellow room.

NORAH

Well, if you suppose I’m going to stop and witness this…(Kisses WILLIAM on the cheek) I think you’re an awful fool but I do love you. Good luck, my darling. Linda, why don’t you come and keep me company; let’s leave these little boys to their games.

LINDA

No, Mum, don’t go. This is important.

NORAH

Important! Why?

LINDA

I’m not sure. Just something inside tells me so.

NORAH

Oh, very well. Never let it be said that I’m as stubborn as…some others I could name.

WILLIAM

Good. Full house. (Rubs his hands in preparation) Right. Right, then. Right.

NORAH

Oh, was that it, darling? Very nice. Well then, everyone, good night. It’s been quite a day.

WILLIAM

I want to wipe my nose first. (He does so, then takes off sweater) Ah, that’s better. Trevor, hold this. You can keep it if I don’t come back.

TREVOR

Thanks. I should certainly treasure it. But you’ve got to come back. You haven’t signed my books yet. And that’s only for starters.

TOM

Hush! Christopher Robin is saying his prayers! And while you’re about it, Dad, throw in one for me.

WILLIAM

My son, you mustn’t mock. Isn’t that the whole object of the exercise?

TOM

I’m not mocking—merely hedging my bets. You can see it as the first step towards my
not
being a Mister Know-It-All.

NORAH

Hallelujah!

TOM

(To WILLIAM) And don’t forget, at the same time, to throw in one about your heart!

NORAH

There is nothing wrong with your father’s heart. Neither physically nor…nor in any other way.

WILLIAM

Bless you. Now, who’s going to count—apart from me?

TREVOR

I will.

NORAH

LINDA

We all will.

TOM.

WILLIAM

Yes, you all count—every one of you! Right, then. Here goes. Final take.

SPECTATORS

One!…two!…three!…four…five…six…