Suicide Note (2 page)
“All I’m saying is make your leave count. Two weeks of as much local ass you can get your hands on. You won’t even remember her name by the time you touch sand again. Shit, maybe you will come back and be just a little nicer than the enemy. That would be a nice change.” Ryan patted me on the back as he slid passed me and out into the hot dry air.
Instead of coming home to smiles and cheers, I will step off the plane to pity and sad eyes, if anyone was there to greet me at all. I was supposed to be getting married on leave at the church just off post where Chelsea and I met. Instead, I sat lonely and worried in a desert in Iraq while some other man comforted my fiancé. She ran off and married him in the very church that we had picked out for our nuptials just seven weeks ago. I had no desire to leave my men behind while I worried what kind of danger they were in to go home to the turmoil that waited for me there. I’d given up hope and to be honest, never really thought I would make it back.
“Flight coming in three hours. I was assured our guys would be on this one.” Rodgers called out of the sound of the helicopter engines.
“We’ll see.” Our flight had already been kicked back three times. Not that I was complaining. It was nice to be able to sleep for a few days without the sounds of mortars in the background.
I walked back inside the tent and flopped down on the thin mattress, letting my boots hang over the edge. I had just enough time to catch some sleep before making the grueling flights home. I closed my eyes and instantly became assaulted with flashbacks from only weeks prior.
January 15, 2010, Friday – Baghdad, Iraq
“Get him off the pool table, man!” Owens was panicked, pulling off his soft cap and wiping the mixture of sand and sweat from his brow.
“Where the fuck do you want us to put him?” I had never seen so much blood up close. I had seen the remnants of human bodies after a suicide bomber, but never had I watched someone’s life literally drain out of them. The green felt was overcome by the thick, sticky blood and my memories flashed to Christmas last year when I was with Chelsea, asking her to marry me.
“Get out of the way!” Chancler, the medic, yelled, wiping the sweat from his face as he pushed through the group of soldiers that had gathered round the table. “Don’t move your hands, Tudor.”
“It’s still coming out, man. I can’t squeeze his leg any tighter.”
The Iraqi Army soldier lay peacefully on the table surrounded by pool balls. “He’s too quiet!” I tried desperately to keep my voice level for the benefit of the soldiers around me while this man’s life literally slipped through my hands. His body went slack. Chancler rubbed over his stubbled jaw with bloody fingers and hung his head.
“He’s done. The shrapnel severed his femoral artery. He didn’t have a chance.”
I kept my fingers over the oozing wound as I glanced around the room at all the young, weathered men who stared back at me. I had no words, no idea what to say to make the situation any different from what it was. This was our reality. At any given moment, everything could be taken from us.
“Come on, man.” Owens pulled on my shoulders and I stumbled, not wanting to release my grip on the leg. “Let’s hit that new shower trailer before lunch.”
I looked down at my hands as crimson liquid dripped from the tips of my fingers, landing on my camel-colored boots that already had a fresh dusting of sand as fine as baby powder clinging to them.
“I’m gonna need new boots.” I could feel the shock taking over me as all rational thought escaped me.
Owens patted me on the back as he pulled me out of the block building and into the blinding sun of Baghdad.
“We’ll call your girl after you get cleaned up. She can order some and have them shipped to you.”
I startled awake and glanced down at my feet that still hung over the edge of the bed. The tips stained black from that life-changing day seven weeks prior. Not only had I witnessed my first up-close-and-personal death that I still blame myself for, but that was the day I discovered Chelsea was no longer waiting for me at home. In fact, she hadn’t been waiting for some time.
“Can you hear me?” I plugged my other ear with my finger as I yelled into the receiver.
“I hear you!” Chelsea whispered back.
“Were you sleeping?”
Chelsea rubbed her face and glanced past the man lying next to her to her alarm clock. It read 1:00 a.m.
“No,” she sighed as she carefully peeled back the comforter and slipped out of the bed. She ran her fingers through her tangled, blonde mane as she traipsed into the kitchen and turned on the light over the sink.
“I can tell when you lying.”
Chelsea smiled weakly as she grabbed a glass from the cabinet and turned on the water, waiting for it to get cold.
“How’s your sister?” I leaned my forehead against the plywood wall.
“The doctors are optimistic. Everything all right?” she asked as she filled her glass and took a long gulp, suddenly parched.
“Just a long day. We patrolled for a few hours. You wouldn’t believe the heat.” I lied. I wanted to talk about anything but the incident with the Iraqi soldier. I needed to be reminded what I was fighting for.
“Shane, it’s late,” she sighed, as she set her glass down on the counter.
“I know. I needed to hear you voice.” My eyes closed, picturing her smile.
“What are you doing up?” a man’s voice called in the background.
“Who was that, Chels?” My eyes shot open. Every worry I had from the day suddenly seemed miniscule to what was going through my mind now.
“We need to talk, Shane.”
“Don’t fucking do this to me. Not today.”
“I sent you a letter.”
“I didn’t get your damn letter.” I squeezed my eyes shut, begging the tears to stay at bay while I was around other soldiers.
“This is just too hard, Shane. I can’t take the worrying.”
“You? You can’t take the worry? I wake up every morning not knowing if I’ll be alive by bedtime.”
“Don’t do that. That’s not fair.”
“Fair?” I laughed and slammed the phone down on its base.
I grabbed my rucksack and slid it over my shoulder and picked up my duffle bag. Sleep was overrated. I made my way to the defac in hopes of getting a quick bite before we needed to make our way to the plane.
“Hey! I got you a tuna. At least I think its tuna.” Owens slid over on his seat, making room for me.
“Doesn’t matter at this point,” I groaned, as I dropped my bag and adjusted the weapon that was slung across my chest.
“I hear ya. I hope my girl can cook.” Owens took a big bite of his sandwich and food oozed out of the corners of his mouth. The soldier across the table glared at him.
I shook my head. I knew Owens would come back from leave brokenhearted when his pen pal turned out to be a man or married.
“What, fobbit? Not used to seeing a real-life soldier? You want an autograph from a real American hero?” Owens joked as he wiped the food from his mouth.
“You can write it right here.” The soldier grabbed his crotch as his buddies laughed.
“I guess he only wants my initials,” Owens replied, looking at me. I just hung my head and laughed.
“King of battle my ass,” the man replied with a sneer as he got up from the table, his two friends flanking him followed suit.
“I think you hurt their feelings.” I shoved the last bit of my food into my mouth. “You know we are all on the same side.”
“Screw him. Let’s go enjoy our R and R.”
We stood and grabbed our bags before catching a ride to the airstrip on the other side of the base.
“I almost forgot. I grabbed our mail.” Owens held out several envelopes for me. I took a deep breath before grabbing the letters from his hand and slipping them into my pocket.
“Thanks.”
Jenn
February 3, 2010, Saturday Morning
I slid a bagel into the toaster as my eyes glazed over reading my report for work. We needed to make it look like the company was pulling in more money from their ads than it was losing, but numbers didn’t lie. That was the reason I loved math. It was the only pure form of honesty left in this world.
My food popped up and I held the papers as I made her way to the fridge to grab the cream cheese, tossing it on the counter. My phone rang and I answered it, cradling it between my shoulder and ear as I attempted to spread cream cheese on my bagel.
“You are impossible to get ahold of!”
“It’s too early for you to be so damn chipper.” I rolled my eyes as the phone slipped from my shoulder and onto the counter. “Shoot! Sorry, I dropped my phone.”
“No worries. Listen, I have some news. Are you sitting down?”
“Sure.” I rolled my eyes and adjusted my weight to my other foot and set the butter knife down to give my sister my undivided attention.
“I’m getting married!” she screamed, causing me to pull the phone from my face.
“How can you get married? You’re not even dating anyone. Not unless you count that homeless guy who likes to rub against you on the bus.” I rolled my eyes as I picked up half of my bagel and took a bite, glancing at my finger that used to hold my engagement ring.
“That was one time and I no longer take public transportation. This is serious. Don’t get mad.”
“Gail, you can’t tell someone not to get mad. Just spill it. I’m not making any promises.”
There was a long pause and I pulled the phone from my ear to make sure the battery hadn’t died.
“I’m in love with Thomas Sullivan.”
It wasn’t possible to die from a broken heart, but it felt like I was being crushed from the inside. My world imploded around me as his name replayed over and over in my head like a broken record.
“How?” My eyes brimmed with tears as I searched my memory for any moment that would lead me to believe there had been anything between the love of my life and my older sister.
“We’ve always liked each other, Jenn. He didn’t want to do wrong by you. He’s a good man.”
“Do wrong?” My words were barely a whisper. “I found…oh, God. I’m going to be sick.”
“I’m so sorry. You can’t fight true love. Besides, I thought you would be happy for me. You know it hasn’t been easy for me.”
“I hate you!” I clamped my hand over my mouth as quiet sobs racked through my body and I sank to the kitchen floor.
“How could you say that? You’re so selfish!”
I clicked the button to end the call and threw my cell phone across the kitchen as my knees hit the linoleum with a painful thud. I began counting down from twenty but it was no use. My breaths came in short, sporadic inhales until I felt dizzy and my world began to spin. I had always lived in the shade of my sister’s shadow. I didn’t mind because it kept my parents off my back and allowed me to pursue the career I wanted while they nitpicked and fussed over Gail. Now that shadow was growing and looming over me like a storm cloud that was going to consume my entire existence.
I couldn’t fight the sadness that swirled in my chest, and I was too broken to try.
“You think any of these German hotties would like to feel my weapon?”
I smacked Owens on the back of the head and laughed.
“You got a girl waiting at home for you.”
“Yeah, but she can’t moan in different languages.”
“How do you moan in different languages? Doesn’t it all sound the same?”
“That’s what we need to find out.”
“Looks like we’re gonna be here for a while. Unfortunately, this is the most you’re going to get to see of Germany. Soak it in, boys.” Lt. Sage laughed as he pointed over to the USO.
“Travel the world they told us.” Owens laughed as he pulled open the door to the USO tucked away inside the airport.
I followed him in through the door as I shook my head and made my way to the couch in front of the television on the left side of the room. I sat down and sighed as I pulled the letters from the inside of my ACU top.
One was from my cousin, Jake, who lived in Maine and the other was from Chelsea. I had been waiting for this letter to arrive for nearly two months. I slowly peeled it open and unfolded the letter that still smelled of her soap.
January 1, 2010
Dear Shane,
I spoke to you yesterday and you asked me what my New Year’s resolution was. I didn’t have the heart, or maybe the guts, to tell you over the phone, but I have decided to change my life. When you and I began dating two years ago, I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be. I was fresh out of college and all I saw was you. You consumed me.
I want you to know that I don’t regret a single second of the time we spent together, however little that time was, but I can’t continue to live with my life on hold as I wait for you to return. Sometimes, I am not sure you will.
The only women I have here to talk to are from the Family Readiness Group. It’s nice to have others who understand what it is like to be with a soldier and treat me like one of the wives, even though we are not married yet and I can’t attend the meetings. But it’s a double-edged sword. One of the wives from alpha battery lost her husband three weeks ago.
I can’t wait for you to die, Shane. I jump every time someone knocks on the door, terrified that it will be soldiers coming to give condolences. She had three kids. Can you imagine? I couldn’t continue on and look at those poor kids in the eye, knowing I had chosen a husband who could have died at any minute.