Summer (6 page)

He sat on the edge of the bed next to the box and went quickly through the few letters on top. Each of them needed to be copied, and he placed them on the bedspread. Those first letters talked about her ten rules for a happy marriage and her love for her children, her hopes and prayers and plans for them. Peace surrounded him, because this was the right thing to do, the best way he knew to keep himself from thinking about what had happened with Elaine half an hour earlier.

Now that he’d cleared away the top layer, John spotted an envelope slightly larger than the others. The paper was thicker, and he wondered if it was one of the birthday cards Elizabeth had given him. He reached for it and smiled. She had been a celebrator of birthdays, a maker of moments. No birthday had passed without her marking the occasion with her thoughts on the year past.

He opened the envelope and pulled out a card, one that looked nearly brand-new. The front said only
My lover, my friend. . . .

Pain and a sense of betrayal over his dinner with Elaine pricked at John’s heart. Elizabeth had indeed been his lover and friend.

The card was similar to most Elizabeth would pick out. A brief birthday greeting with a full page of her own handwritten sentiments. He checked the date. The card wasn’t old. Which meant . . . when she wrote it she might’ve just had the first signs that her cancer had returned.

He steadied his hands and found the first line.

Dearest John,

How blessed I am to be celebrating another year of your life. Even the act of buying this card made me smile, because I never take the years for granted. Never.

John ran his finger over the words and pictured Elizabeth browsing the cards, looking for one with plenty of white space. He kept reading.

I think of how many couples don’t get the years God has given us, and I am grateful beyond words. Because you’ve spent your years defining life for me, John. The way you laugh with me and hold my hand on our long Sunday afternoon walks. In some ways with you it feels like we never get a day older. But that’s what birthdays are for, I guess. Little reminders that as good as this is, it won’t last forever.

John’s throat felt thick. Had she known about the return of her cancer when she wrote this? He looked at the framed photo of the two of them, the one that had stood on their dresser for as long as he could remember.
No, Elizabeth . . . it won’t last forever.

He found his place again.

And so my wish for you this year comes from Deuteronomy, my love. You know it, because you’ve shared it with me and the kids so many times. Here it is: “I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.”

We’re not as young as we once were, and I want you to know, whatever happens in the years to come, you must choose life. We both must. Every day we wake up with another twenty-four hours.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

I love you always.

Elizabeth

Choose life?

A shiver ran down John’s arms as he reread that last part. She was referring to their lives together; she must’ve been. But that’s not how her words came across now, in light of the day’s events.
Whatever happens in the years to come, you must choose life. . . .

John lowered the card to his lap and closed his eyes. This had happened before—times when he needed wisdom, when he was missing Elizabeth, and God had led him to one of her letters, the exact one he needed to find peace. But this . . .

He opened his eyes and found her photo again. Had she known? Had she imagined a time down the road when she might no longer be here and he would need more than anything to hear this very Bible verse?

He returned the card to the envelope and placed it at the top of the stack of letters to be copied. Her picture was calling to him, so he went to it and took it in his hands. Her eyes were just as he remembered them, blue enough to fall into. She was like no other woman, no other friend or lover he would ever have.

But she was gone.

And her letter reminded him of what he desperately needed to hold on to. The knowledge that Elizabeth would’ve wanted him to do exactly what he’d done today—share his feelings with Elaine, tell her about his intentions, allow himself to move forward. In that moment he knew what Elizabeth would be doing if somewhere in heaven she could know the intentions he had toward a woman who had been one of her friends.

She’d be smiling.

Ashley babysat for little Ryan Junior the morning Kari went in for her ultrasound. The minutes passed slowly even though Devin and RJ kept her busy. Kari was having a girl. Ashley would’ve bet on it. They both were. It was something she’d thought since the beginning.

Finally, just before noon, she watched Kari and Ryan pull up outside and climb out of the car. They were both grinning, and Kari hurried Ryan along. Ashley held her breath. RJ and Devin were sleeping, so she moved quietly from her place at the window to the entryway.

Kari’s words were out the moment Ashley opened the door. “We’re having a girl!” Kari rushed inside and hugged her; then just as quickly she drew back and gently placed her hand on the small bump at Ashley’s waist. “Maybe you’re right and you’re having a girl too!”

“You’ve got Kari convinced.” Ryan stepped inside. He laughed and shook his head. “She already has the two girls dressing alike for the first day of kindergarten.”

Ashley giggled and placed her hand over Kari’s. “I can’t explain it.” She lifted one shoulder. “I just had this feeling we were both having girls. I even told my doctor that at my appointment last week. I asked if it was true that sometimes a mother just knows what she’s having.”

“And?” Ryan seemed amused by the planning and dreaming going on between the two sisters.

Ashley made a face. “She said there was no way to tell until the ultrasound.”

“Which is in a week.” Kari kept her voice low. The sleeping boys were across the living room, side by side. “I can’t wait.”

“Landon says I’m obsessed. I’m counting down the hours.” Ashley grinned. She and Kari talked for a few minutes, and then Ashley left.

Over the next few days when they walked the track, Ashley allowed herself to dream aloud about the possibility that they were each having a girl. “They’ll be closer than sisters. Like twins almost.”

Kari easily got caught up in the excitement. “I can picture us helping them buy prom dresses and remembering back to this time.”

They talked about everything from the babies’ first steps to the weddings the girls might have in the same year, and as the days grew closer for Ashley’s ultrasound, she was convinced. Something about this pregnancy was different, and that could leave just one explanation. She was having a girl.

The night before Ashley’s test, Kari called before she turned in. “Jessie’s thrilled about having a sister. Well, actually, thrilled doesn’t touch it. She was bouncing all over the house. She made up a song about finally having a sister.”

Ashley was already in bed, more tired than usual, but she smiled in the dark. “I wish I could’ve heard it.” She thought for a few seconds. “If I’m right about this one, Cole’s reaction will probably be a little more subdued.”

“Hmmm.” Kari’s laughter faded. “He still wants a brother?”

“He wants an entire basketball team.”

They both giggled, though the topic stayed with Ashley after the call ended and as she tried to fall asleep. She’d even tried to broach the subject with Cole again. “God might have a sister for you, Coley. That would be okay, right? Even if she didn’t play basketball?”

“Well—” Cole had been digging into a bowl of Cheerios—“I already asked God for a brother, so thanks, Mom, for trying to make me ready for the bad news. But I think you’re wrong.” He pointed to her stomach. “That’s a boy in there. I’m pretty sure.”

Landon told her not to worry. “Cole would love a girl. He’d be the best big brother ever.”

She fell asleep praying that her son would understand if the news in the morning wasn’t what he was hoping for.

When the alarm went off Monday morning, Ashley hit the Off button and reached for Landon’s hand. “It’s here. The first ultrasound.”

“Mmmm.” He turned onto his side so he was facing her. “We don’t need the test, Ash.” His eyes were still closed. “It’s a girl. You already called it.”

Ashley grinned and put her hand on her abdomen. She felt like shouting for joy. The day had finally come. Today she would know whether she was right. She climbed out of bed and slipped into a pair of stretch pants. She was ready in half the time it usually took, but even in her rush, she felt calm and relaxed. Cole might be right. She might be having a boy. And even if she was carrying a girl, Cole would of course get used to the fact. She had nothing to fear.

Ashley was buttoning her sweater, checking her look one more time, when the phone rang. From the kitchen, where Landon was making breakfast for the boys, she heard him call, “I’ll get it.”

Ashley smiled. Landon was a great dad, a great husband. He never complained about helping with the boys or going the extra distance to make her feel comfortable. He was always one step ahead of her.

“Ashley.” He walked down the hallway and into their bedroom. His brow was knit, his eyes veiled in concern. “It’s the doctor.”

She wrinkled her nose as she took the phone. The doctor would be seeing them later this morning. Why would she call now? Ashley pressed the receiver to her ear. “Hello?”

“Ashley . . . this is Dr. Amy McDaniel.” She paused. “You’re still coming in today for your ultrasound, right?”

“I am.” Ashley’s heart pounded, and her throat felt dry. Landon was waiting a few feet away. “Is something wrong?”

“Well, I’m not sure.”

Ashley braced herself against the dresser and hung her head. Nothing was wrong; it couldn’t be. She refused the doctor’s words and forced herself to listen for the explanation. The explanation that had to be coming.

“Your alpha-fetoprotein test came back high.” The doctor’s tone grew reassuring. “That might not mean anything, but with a high AFP test, we like to make sure you’re not alone at the ultrasound. In case we find a problem.”

Ashley’s mind was racing. “AFP? That’s the blood test I took last time I was in?”

“Yes.” Dr. McDaniel was a mother herself. She had five kids and a fantastic bedside manner. She had delivered several of the Baxter babies. But her normally upbeat attitude was greatly subdued today. She sighed. “We use the AFP as a way of screening for a number of issues.”

AFP.
Ashley closed her eyes and thought back to the days when she’d returned from France, pregnant and single and afraid, and sat in a doctor’s office with her mother. Yes, that’s where she’d heard this before. “Wait.” She opened her eyes. Landon moved closer beside her, his face paler than before. She reached for his hand. “I had a high AFP test with my first child—with Cole.”

“And he was healthy?”

“Very much so.” Ashley felt herself begin to relax.

“Okay, good.” The doctor sounded somewhat relieved. “Ninety percent of the time a high AFP test means nothing. Either way, you’ll be bringing someone today?”

“Yes.” She looked at Landon. “My husband.”

“Very well. We’ll see you at eleven, then.”

Ashley hung up and tried to give Landon a reassuring look. “My AFP test was high, same as it was for Cole.”

“Oh.” Landon blinked. He still looked nervous. “I haven’t heard of that before.”

“Me either. Not before Cole, anyway.” She set the phone down on the dresser and slipped her arms around Landon’s waist. “That time I was with my mom at the doctor’s office. I remember being scared to death when they told me.” She thought for a moment. “My mom called my dad, and he told me not to worry. Just because it’s high doesn’t mean anything’s wrong.”

Landon linked his hands near the small of her back. “I’m sure it’s nothing.” He leaned in and kissed her, his lips lingering on hers. He smiled. “Let’s not let it bring us down. This is the big day.”

“Right.” She found a tentative smile. “Exactly.”

But there was no way to escape the shadow the doctor’s call cast across the morning. They saw Cole off to school, and as he headed toward the front gate, he turned and waved at them. “When I get home you can tell me what my brother looks like.”

“Get to school.” Landon grinned and waved one last time.

They headed toward Kari’s house, where Devin would spend the morning. She loved having him over, loved watching the way her own little RJ doted on his younger cousin. The idea was that Ashley and Landon could experience the ultrasound without interruption and then go out to lunch afterwards to celebrate. But after they dropped Devin off, Ashley couldn’t help but think that maybe they’d need time alone for another reason.

“You’re supposed to be bouncing out of your seat with excitement.” Landon was driving. He glanced at her. The hint of a smile lifted his lips. “Remember?”

“I am bouncing.” She took a quick breath. “On the inside, anyway.”

“Don’t worry, Ash. It’s nothing.”

She tried to take a full breath, but it wouldn’t come. “You don’t know that.”

“I do.” He gave her a sheepish glance. “I called your dad.”

“You what?” She shifted in her seat, studying him. “This morning?”

“You were taking care of Devin, and I had to hear for myself. Your dad said not to worry. He agreed with Dr. McDaniel. Ninety percent of the time a high AFP test means absolutely nothing.”

A warmth filled her, soothing the anxious places in her soul. “You did that? For me?”

Landon turned into the doctor’s office parking lot. “For both of us. I trust your dad, and I knew I wouldn’t stop thinking about it until I talked to him.”

Ashley waited until they were parked before putting her hand on his shoulder. “Thanks, Landon. That means a lot.”

“I want today to be special. We can’t go in assuming the worst.” He nodded toward the front door of the office building. “Let’s see who’s right—you or Cole.”

Four other pregnant women were in the office. Ashley and Landon found two chairs together in the corner and waited for nearly a half hour before a nurse opened the door and called them in. By then Ashley had ridden a roller coaster of emotions enough times to feel nauseous about what lay ahead. Good or bad. Her father was right, of course. She’d had a high AFP test before, and it had meant nothing. There was no reason to expect the worst. But it was there, like a smell she couldn’t ignore no matter how much fresh air filled the room.

Landon took her hand and led her along behind the nurse into the examination room. When they were alone and she had changed into the white cotton gown, he smiled at her. “Very attractive.”

“I’m thinking about getting one for around the house.” Ashley laughed, but the sound didn’t ring true.

She sat on the edge of the table and crossed her bare legs. She was shivering, but the room wasn’t really cold. Next to the table was the ultrasound machine, already turned on and waiting for action.

Landon took the seat across from her. “Maybe Cole’s right.”

“It’s a boy?” She angled her head. If the doctor would just hurry so they could get past this moment, so that even the slight possibility of bad news might be something they could completely dismiss.

“Right, because a whole team of basketball players wouldn’t be so bad.” He rested his forearms on his knees. “Besides, I already have one princess. I couldn’t dare hope for two, right?”

Before she could answer, there was a knock on the door, and Dr. McDaniel came in. She was in her late thirties, blonde and attractive. She’d delivered Devin, and at various appointments Ashley had been impressed that the doctor’s office was filled with pictures from home. Her children hugging her, her family together in a boat with Dr. McDaniel skiing behind it, and vacation photos from Hawaii. The doctor and her family went to the same church as the Baxters, and Ashley understood that her role as a doctor was something she saw as a ministry.

Even so, Dr. McDaniel was professional, and today her expression was more serious than usual. She nodded at Landon and then at Ashley. “How are we doing?”

“Good.” Ashley’s answer was quick. “Anxious for the test.”

“You told your husband about the AFP results?” She looked from Ashley to Landon.

“Yes.” Ashley shivered again. She reached back and pulled the edges of her gown a little more tightly together.

Landon cleared his throat. “I talked to Ashley’s dad, Dr. John Baxter. He agreed that most of the time high levels mean nothing.”

“It’s true.” The doctor’s voice was laced with compassion. “But we have to look carefully at the ultrasound to make sure there’s nothing unusual going on.”

Ashley had wanted to check the Internet before they left, do a search on high levels of AFP and see what it could possibly mean. But she’d resisted the urge. It was one thing to have the high test results in the back of her mind this morning. If she had a list of possible problems, it would ruin her mood completely.

“Why don’t you lie down and we’ll take a look.” Dr. McDaniel went to the sink and washed her hands.

Ashley did as she was told, but a lump filled her throat.
Please, God . . . not my baby. Don’t let there be anything wrong with her, please.
Ashley gripped the sides of the table and realized she’d done it again. Prayed for her baby as if she knew for certain the child was a girl.

A nurse entered the room and handed the doctor a tube of gel. The younger woman smiled at Ashley but otherwise kept quiet.

Dr. McDaniel lifted the gown off Ashley’s abdomen and opened the tube. “This’ll be cold but only for a minute or so.” She squirted a blob of the clear gel onto Ashley’s stomach and reached for the ultrasound paddle.