Summer Winds (18 page)

“You have feelings for me, Maggie. Why can’t we acknowledge that and do something about it?”

“I don’t want to talk about this again, Cash.”

“Who in the world is going to care?”

I was braced against the doorframe, and she had her hand on the wall again just above my shoulder, shielding me from view and forcing me to stay put. “I’m not your summer playmate.”

“Don’t demean it, Maggie.” She inclined her head and her lips were infinitesimally close to mine, her sweet breath nearly entering me, ready to resuscitate my heart after years of not knowing it could beat for someone else.

The voice came from over her shoulder. “Maggie, you okay?”

Perry lumbered toward us and Cash stood up casually.

“I think we got it out. Better go look in the mirror,” she said to me before turning to Perry. “Something blew into her eye.”

“Hasn’t really been that windy today.” His tone was skeptical.

“How’s
your
eye doing?” he asked Cash.

“Better, good, actually,” she said.

“Well, just checking on you gals to see if you need something. I’m headed into the city tonight.”

“If I haven’t got what I need, I’ve got all I’m gonna get,” Cash replied good-naturedly, sounding more Kansas-colloquial than Perry, who grinned at her. He hesitated, as if sensing something unusual, but then said his good-byes and wandered off.

I escaped into the house, running mostly from myself as Cash followed, begging me to come back and talk to her.

“Cash, I want you to quit it.” I spoke quietly, but firmly. “I don’t want this. I don’t.” I stared at her, making every attempt to harden my expression. She looked deep into my soul, as if trying to decide if I meant it. Finally, her shoulders sagged, telling me she believed I did, and without further word she walked away and left me alone.

Now I needed to have that same talk with myself to be convinced that I didn’t want this…her…and all that she brought with her. A person couldn’t just change so dramatically after all these years. I’d been married. I dated men. What would being with another woman out here get me, or anyone, other than stares and jeers and nothing good.
And that’s a ridiculous idea to begin with because Cash isn’t
staying here. She’s going home and, frankly, the sooner the better.

Friday she stayed away from me and I knew I’d hurt her feelings, but that was good. One short correction with the reins rather than a constant tug of war. I caught sight of her working with the horses down in the pasture. She had Knight, the bay horse, hooked up on a lunge line and was using a crop to encourage him to circle. She looked graceful and yet rugged, as if she belonged in this rural scenery,
although clearly she doesn’t.

After a few minutes of round-pen work, he must have looked compliant because she saddled him up and rode across the pasture.

This was the first time I’d seen her on a horse, and she looked relaxed and natural. I went into the house and picked up the binoculars and followed her figure across the prairie, the wind blowing through her hair and her long legs wrapped around the gelding.

My mind traveled to that night on the riverbank when she’d told me that once she wrapped her legs around anything it never got away, and for a moment I felt as if I were physically floating along with her again, beside her, one with her. I put the binoculars down and turned away from the window before deciding that I would take Mariah out for a ride. The day was too pretty to waste.

I jogged down the dirt path as if this was a priority in my life and waved to Mariah, who brought her elegant white body to the edge of the pasture and gracefully bent her head when I offered the bridle. I swiftly brushed her back, tossed a blanket on her and then a lightweight saddle. Checking the girth to make sure it was tight, I pulled myself up, then bent over and opened the gate. Seconds later the metal latch clanged shut behind us. Up ahead, I saw Cash riding Knight at a walk and I hurried to catch up. She spotted me and we met halfway.

“You and Knight look good together,” I said. She fit the horse and he seemed to like working with her.

“I picked Knight at first because he was easy to catch, but now I think he picked me.” She patted the big bay’s neck, and I thought it was wonderful that a creature had finally picked Cash as its own.

I smiled at Knight for his kindness.

Mariah stomped, swished her tail, swung her butt sideways, and Knight nickered and jerked unnecessarily. “Mariah, stop that!”

“What’s she doing?”

“Getting him in trouble, probably telling him he should ignore you and do what she wants. She’s in heat, which makes her a little moody.”

“I completely relate to that,” she said flatly.

I ignored the remark. “Walk him along beside me and let’s do a little training. I never have anyone to ride with, so he can’t get used to listening to the rider instead of the mare.”

Cash circled him around and pulled up alongside me on the left.

Mariah immediately began nosing him and he stomped. “Tell him to stop that,” I ordered, and she echoed my words sternly. Knight looked ahead and we walked on. I relaxed into the saddle and let the sunshine wash over my face.

“About last night, I didn’t mean to be so harsh.”

“Look, it’s my fault. I thought you were giving me signals that you…care about me.”

“I do care about you.”

“You know what I mean. Anyway, I have a rule and I violated it and that’s the problem. So as Buck says, ‘only place you can take me is back to apologize.’ I apologize, Maggie.”

I nodded my acceptance. “What’s the rule?”

She grinned. “You have to know everything, don’t you? Okay, the rule is, don’t get involved with straight women.” We slowed the horses even more and they snorted, dropping their heads, and moved along slug-like, seeming happy to have a break. I raised a questioning eyebrow in her direction. “A straight woman’s head gets in the way, and guilt follows. She might even go back to men after using you to satisfy her sexual curiosity.”

“Have you had affairs with a lot of straight women?”

“Enough to formulate a rule,” she said, and we both laughed.

“Aren’t there enough gay women out there?”

“It’s not an inventory problem.” She dropped the subject, urging Knight to move out faster. I asked Mariah to keep up and she kicked it into gear, obviously not wanting Knight to maintain the lead.

“Have you ever had a relationship with a man?” I persisted, knowing I was prying but feeling this was my one opportunity to satisfy my own sexual curiosity.

“Most women’s idea of a relationship with a man is that he makes a living, carries heavy objects, handles anything dirty or dangerous, and gets her pregnant before her clock runs out. If women would support themselves, hoist their own bags, learn to set rat traps, and find a sperm bank we wouldn’t turn guys into a bunch of wussies in office buildings popping Viagra.”

“I guess that means you don’t want one,” I said.

“I’m just wired differently. I wouldn’t even want a guy like Buck. I just…anyway, who cares what I want, that’s not what I was saying. I was saying I’m sorry.”

“I care,” I said. “I’m interested in what you think. You have a sharp mind and you see things differently. That’s a gift.”

“I don’t share it much.”

“I’d like you to share it with me whenever you feel like it. I like talking to you, Cash.” She looked genuinely pleased and surprised. “There are other ways to communicate, you know, besides having sex.” I cocked my head, giving her a playful smile, and she blushed.

We rode along in the sunshine and I felt radiantly happy for no reason. Finally Cash picked up the thread of conversation. “I agree there are other ways to communicate, but I take pride in being bilingual.” She turned Knight back toward the barn and I followed her, not having realized how much I liked who she was, or perhaps who she had become.

Around five Cash came up to the house and greeted me with a warm smile, then disappeared into her room where the sound of the shower indicated she was getting cleaned up. Moments later she came into the living room in tight black jeans, a black-and-white Western shirt with red roses at the shoulder, a red bandana at the neck, and black boots. She looked darling. Actually she looked very sexy. For a moment I believed she was dressing for me.

“Don’t you look nice,” I said.

“I try.” She stood awkwardly shifting her weight. “I’m going into town this evening for awhile.”

“Really.” The low feeling hit the bottom of my stomach. “Well, good. Looks like you’re going to a party.”

“I have a date.”

“I didn’t know you’d met anyone.”

“You know her. Verta Olan. The sister of the guy who runs the gas station.”

“Verta? Why?”

“A night out, that’s all.”

“She’s not someone you should—”

“I won’t do anything in public that will embarrass you.”

“Where are you going?”

“She says there’s a bar about ninety minutes’ drive. Beer, pool, a mixed crowd.”

“Cash, you have to be careful on the highway at night. And you don’t know if she drinks and drives.”

Cash’s big smile broke open and I smiled in return, despite myself, ducking my head. “You think I’m acting like your mother.”

“Believe me when I tell you that I never see you as my mother or anyone else’s mother. I see you…I’ll see you later tonight.”

“Okay. Have fun.”

She walked briskly out to her Jeep and drove down the driveway.

My heart had rarely been so heavy.

Had Cash known Verta before? How had they had time to contact each other? It’s not that hard, I explained to my tortured self. Perry walked up the other night when we were on the porch. He probably told Bo who told his cousin Sven who told his sister Verta, and she sent word back by Perry, Bo, or some other fool that she was available. You don’t need high-tech equipment out here. For instant messaging just
eat
the Blackberries and tell a neighbor.

Furious, I decided to busy myself making food for the weekend and pulled things out of the freezer without any sense of what I was trying to create. I finally threw most of it in the trash, deciding from the expiration dates it needed tossing, and I was in the mood to discard something. I opened a package of fresh ground beef from the fridge and began to make meatloaf with a vengeance. Midway through I realized I didn’t know what I’d put in it or left out. Had I already seasoned it or was everything on the counter ready for seasoning? I slapped the meatloaf into a baking dish and shoved it into the oven. After washing my hands I put the timer on and made myself a cup of coffee.

Sitting at the kitchen table, I absorbed the loneliness, not having felt this way in years. Perhaps I was particularly sensitive to the hollowness now that Cash had occupied my life for awhile.

Suddenly I spotted her diary on the edge of the kitchen table. She must have been writing in it and forgotten to put it back in her room.

I picked it up to take it back to her bedroom, thinking I would leave it on her bedside table, and then without warning I was struck with the need to open the pages. I put the book back down and gave myself a lecture on respecting privacy, but the thought of Cash out partying with Verta Olan temporarily erased my moral code and I opened the book to the very first page.

May 28th, Feels like I’ve been here two weeks.

Out of shape. Perry and I sprayed the field and I got covered in some chemical, probably means I’ll grow a third arm. I like him. My bed sucks. Slumps in the middle. Maggie’s kind of tense, don’t think she’s used to people in her house. Good-looking, though.

Signed Cash Tate

I couldn’t suppress a smile over her compliment and the fact that she signed her diary pages, as if she thought one might be torn out and stolen and she needed to ensure she got credit for every entry.

I closed the book and sat thinking about the day she arrived, looking so attractive, standing in the doorway wondering what she was to do next. I’d thought she was a big kid with that huge smile she spread over everyone. She’d become serious lately and I missed the more-carefree Cash. Maybe I was too hard on her. Maybe I was too hard on everyone, including myself. I glanced at the diary and then opened it again and began to read.

May 30th, Left the gate open accidentally. Oh, my God, you would have thought I’d murdered someone. The cows all broke out. I can relate!

Perry had to hold an impromptu roundup. Maggie’s hair was on fire. She was trying to be nice but I think she wanted to kick my ass.

Signed Cash Tate

I smiled at her characterization of me, then checked the clock and the meatloaf and settled in at the table, no longer skimming through but reading the diary entirely. She was a smart, insightful, funny woman. Despite how awful I knew I was behaving by reading the pages, I was getting a look inside her that no one else had and that I otherwise might never see. And to keep my mind off what she might be doing with Verta Olan at this very minute, I was happy to trade an hour of morality for weeks of voyeurism.

June 24th, Hurt my hands again and she doctored them, which was worth getting hurt for. She says animals hurt themselves when they’re nervous and bored and want something they can’t get to. No shit! That would definitely be me.

Signed Cash Tate

June 30th, Verta sent word by Bo inviting me to come in to town for an evening. I think Bo saw me on the porch with Maggie and suspects something.

Think Verta’s got the hots for me. A little rougher than I like them.

Signed Cash Tate

What a male-chauvinist view, I thought. “Then why did you go out with her?” I said out loud, the sound of my voice startling me and Duke, who jerked his head up from his doggie bed, his big herd-dog eyes penetrating mine, no doubt wondering if he was supposed to answer.

July 9th, she held me all night. Oh, my God, it was the most phenomenal feeling ever. Just being in her arms. I never wanted to leave. I haven’t felt like that in my entire life. If I hadn’t been so busted she would have been in serious trouble.

As it was, she took my pants off and I passed out. When we woke up I got my hands on her terrific ass. If I could just have stayed like that forever. She wants me, I know it, but she says she doesn’t.