Surfacing (Spark Saga) (19 page)

TO:                            E.G.W.

FROM:
              Zach             

RE:
                            Logic

Well, for one, the man always pursues the woman—at least, traditionally.  Also, no love is perfect, and even if it
is
perfect…something can always derail it.  In other words, nothing is ever guaranteed.

September 10, 2012

TO:
                            Zach

FROM:
              E.G.W.             

RE:
                            Logic

Precisely, my boy!  Not even true love is guaranteed.  And if we go through life under the assumption that it is, we will be sorely disappointed.  We will cling to our beliefs to the detriment of truth, and that is no way to live.

So, let me be clear.  You are, based on my limited, though fantastic insight, destined to be with Tess.  I have seen you together.  I have witnessed the love that you share.  But despite this insight, I desire for you to live your life wisely.  And to be wise, my dear son, is to have always a seed of doubt, and a passion for what you desire.  To seek those desires in any manner that is artificial will not result in happiness.  Rather, it will almost certainly end in heartache.

In short, I do not want you to do anything artificial that may jeopardize the truth that I have seen
If you start making decisions based on what you believe will happen, rather than fight for what you want (or, better, pursue wholeheartedly what you must win), you will not like the results….or the results will not be the same

It is better, for you to destroy the mechanism that allows you to change circumstances, and proceed in a natural fashion.  This means…you should get to know the girl that you will marry…fall in love with
her
, not the idea of her—nor the ideal.  This will bring you what you desire.  This will bring you happiness.  And this will be the greatest love story that ever was, because it’s real, not based on our limited human perception.

This
will be the greatest love story?  While I understand what he’s saying in theory, being in doubt is not a desirable place to be, particularly with Dani in the equation.  I must think about all of this…very carefully.  Of course, I don’t want to go against my father’s wishes, but to be honest, I still have an inkling of uncertainty about him, only because I have neither heard his voice nor seen him.  He did, however, say that having a “seed of doubt” is wise in life.  I assume that means in all things.

Just before I get ready to shut down my computer, one last message comes through from him.  It says:

To doubt is indeed healthy and wise, my son.  Have you ever heard of the concept of “negative capability
?”  It is the ability of a person to exist independent of any predetermined constructs of either human ability or context.  The poet John Keats actually coined the phrase in a letter to his brothers (he was, incidentally, criticizing a contemporary poet, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, whom he believed valued knowledge over beauty).  Negative Capability, he wrote, is
“when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason - Coleridge, for instance, would let go by a fine isolated verisimilitude caught from the Penetralium of mystery, from being incapable of remaining content with half-knowledge. This pursued through volumes would perhaps take us no further than this, that with a great poet the sense of Beauty overcomes every other consideration, or rather obliterates all consideration…”

For Keats, seeking beauty was far more important than trying to objectively explain or classify the natural world.  Unique perception, individual insight…and a sense of awe and wonder…these things were the pinnacle of human experience.

If you want anything resembling happiness in life, it must be to have some comfort level with the mysteries and doubts inherent in it.  Find out what you want, and claim it as yours, not because some scientific construct says you will, but because it is beautiful and quite simply, right.

That night, a memory surfaces in my dreams… it is Tess and me, and we are in a dark room, with a small light in front of us.  It is the refrigerator.  Then I realize we are in Tess’s apartment.  I come up to her and touch her back, embrace her.  This is the night we’ve been waiting for.  I am going to ask her to marry me.  I get down on one knee and retrieve the little ring box from my pants pocket…she is giggly and nervous, but adorable.  And, she says yes.

When I wake, at that very moment, my brain feels as if it’s been charged with a volt of electricity.  I feel it so intensely, the memory, as if it happened this very night.  I think back through every detail of it, from the bright green color of the curtains, to Tess’s pink toenails, to the way the diamond, set in white gold, catches every fraction of light like sparks.  It is real.

Beautiful.

Right.

My father’s words….
Find out what you want, and claim it as yours, not because some scientific construct says you will, but because it is beautiful and quite simply, right.

Nothing this real and lovely could be anything but what I want, and right.  There is no mystery or doubt in that. 

Next time I communicate with him, I will ask him…why should I doubt? 

From out of nowhere, these words flow into my mind:

Doubt is simply accepting that the path that ends in what is rightfully yours will meander at times…and will often have you floundering in many confusions and heartaches.  But, stay the path, my son.

My father’s voice.  But how?  This is not something he has previously written, in his messages.  Could it be that he is somehow communicating with me via the chip?  Why not?  I mean, it is the highest form of technology that has ever been discovered.  Time travel, perpetual memory chips.  It makes sense.  The idea intrigues me, but I have to admit, also, that it makes me incredibly nervous.  Now I really have to be careful what I do—or think.

It occurs to me, rather suddenly and startlingly:  Perhaps all these messages and correspondence are from me.  At some point in the future, I have time traveled far enough to find greater wisdom about all these things…and have devised a way to communicate to the past.

The thought literally almost brings me to my knees.

Tess

              At 9:00, everyone starts filing out of the dance, chatting about who’s going where and what’s going on.  Kurt joins us in the Hummer and we are sitting there jamming to a Coldplay song on the stereo before taking off.  There is a bang on my window and I jump.  “What the heck?”  It’s Dani.  I roll down the window.

             
“Hey, there’s an after party at John Davis’s house.  You guys want to come with us?”

             
I look at Alex, then at Cricket, who is giggling and kissing Kurt’s cheek in the back seat.  Alex shrugs.  Cricket says, “Sounds like fun to me.”  More giggles.  I notice she is drinking something in a silver bottle, which Kurt puts inside his coat pocket.

             
“Ok,” I tell Dani.  “We’ll follow you.”

             
On the way, I turn around, waiting for Cricket and Kurt to stop kissing.  “What are you guys drinking back there?”

             
“Nothing…”  Cricket laughs.

             
“Cricket…”  I warn.  “What is it.”

             
“Hey guys, let’s not get me arrested, ok?”  Alex says.

             
“No worries, dude.  It’s just some Jager.  It’s hiding in my pocket.”

             
So Cricket’s drinking.  That would explain the goofy behavior, plus the fact that she was all ready to go to the party instead of her original plan.  I look at Alex apologetically.

             
“It’s ok,” Alex replies.  “Just keep it under control.”

             
I’m slightly uncomfortable with the idea of alcohol being in the car, but I go along with it because Alex is sort of in charge.  Once we get to the party, we can relax.  And I am actually looking forward to spending a few minutes alone with him.  I smile warmly at him, and he takes my hand with a wink.  “Beautiful,” he mouths. 

             
My heart flutters.

             
We follow Zach to a house on the outskirts of town, and it’s all lit up like Christmas.  I’m thinking…is this guy’s parents home?  There are roughly twenty cars lining the street.  It looks like this could be fun, but I’m nervous about Cricket and Kurt.  “Are you guys taking that stuff in?”

             
Kurt sputters out something like a chuckle and an exasperated sigh.  Alex looks annoyed.  We all sit there for a few minutes, waiting for some resolution.  “Let’s just go,” Alex says, getting out.

             
“Hey, it’s no biggie,” Kurt stammers, obviously feeling the effects of the alcohol already.  Cricket is giggling like a four year old. 

             
Alex takes my hand firmly.  “Come on sweetie,” he says, leading me inside.  Cricket and Kurt linger back and I don’t even know if they follow us in, because once we get inside, the party is in full swing and there are people everywhere.  I spot Dani by the fireplace and she waves me over.  Zach is standing next to her with a relaxed, happy grin.  Dani takes my arm and leads me away.  “I have questions, Miss Turner…”  I glance at Alex to see if he’s ok, but he and Zach are talking football, so I follow Dani out through the kitchen and out to the deck, where a few people are gathered around a keg of beer.

             
“Beer?”  Dani asks.

             
She hands me a cup.  I haven’t really thought about it, but it might make me less nervous.  Although I would be in serious trouble if my parents knew.  What can it hurt?  “Ok.  Hey congratulations again…on Homecoming. You looked great tonight.”

             
She hugs some guy at the keg and flips her hair while he takes the cups and fills them.  “Thanks.”  She swings her hips and takes a healthy swig of her drink.  “So, what’s the story with you and Alex anyway?”

             
I feel myself blushing as I take the drink.  “Well…we danced.  He kissed me…. What’s to tell?”  I say teasingly.

             
“Oooh, girl!  Alex is such a sweetie!  I love that!  So are you going out now?”

             
“I think so…I mean, yeah.  He wants to.”

             
“And do you?”

             
“I do.”  Crazy words, coming out of my mouth.  I mean, who would have thought?  Alex and me?

             
Dani squeals and hugs me.  “I’m so happy for you guys!  He really is a great guy.”

             
I look at the frothy surface of the drink, wondering what Alex would think if he saw me drinking.  Then, I take a gulp. 

             
I have no idea what I’m doing, and my face must be screaming my inexperience, because I cough and look at Dani with a snicker.

             
“OMG…is this your first time?”  She asks.

             
I nod.  “Yep.  And this stuff isn’t exactly tasty.”

             
“No, but after a while, you won’t care!”  Dani whirls around and grabs a random guy around the neck.  “Hey, you!  I haven’t seen you in like, forever!” 

             
I hang around for a few minutes while they flirt and then I get bored and go back inside to find Alex.  To my surprise, Zach is standing in the kitchen.  “Hey, Tess.”

             
“Dani’s outside,” I reply, wondering how he would react if he knew she was flirting with some guy.

             
“Hey, can I talk to you for a second?”

             
I force down another gulp of my beer and nod.  “Ok,” I say, looking around, wondering if he means here, or outside.

             
“Come on,” he says, going out the side door, opposite the deck.

             
He stops and it’s dark.  I take another drink, absently, and he says, “You’re drinking.”

             
“Yeah, Dani gave it to me.”  I’m not sure what to say.  Is he drinking too?  I feel stupid, so I set the cup down on a table.  “It kinda sucks anyway.”

             
“Tess.”  He looks at me intently.  “It’s ok.  Everyone tries it.”

             
“Yeah, well that doesn’t make it taste good.”

             
“Indeed.”  He looks away, briefly, as if thinking what to say next.  “Where did you say Dani was?”

             
Hanging out with some guy on the back deck.  How do I answer this question? 
“She’s out back somewhere….”  Neutral.

             
“I’m sorry if I freaked you out the other day, talking about hanging out when we were kids.”