Susanna's Christmas Wish (9 page)

Herman stood and threw a bale of hay down the ladder chute, listening to it bounce on the floor. With a great heave, he threw another one and then another one. This time the strings burst and hay flew everywhere, blocking the chute.

“Stupid,” he muttered to himself. “You’ve never acted like this before.”

But then he had never been married to a
wunderbah
woman like Susanna, who apparently had a lot of secrets in her life. He was growing into a jealous man, which wasn’t what he wanted at all. Yet the hurt around his heart was growing worse. And the more he thought about Matthew and Susanna, the greater the pain.

And she had made the ring of flowers for Matthew after he asked her to wed him. Of course, that was perfectly natural for Susanna. She had no way of knowing Matthew wasn’t who he said he was. But she had never made one for him, even after he asked her to wed. She hadn’t done anything like that.

Pushing the hay out of the ladder chute with his hands, Herman dug his way through. Coughing from the dust and knocking his hat off, he jumped part of the way down. Slapping off the worst of the hay, he picked up his hat and walked toward the barn door. Once outside he took quick steps across the lawn. Susanna had the gas lantern burning in the living room even though it wasn’t quite dark yet. She meant it as a welcome sign, and a smile crept across his face. He had to stop this worrying. Susanna would make popcorn tonight. Maybe he could talk her into adding caramel as a special treat. For what, he wasn’t quite sure—maybe for surviving encountering Matthew today and still loving each other.

Thankfully he hadn’t spoken harsh words to her on the way home. He had tried to speak gently even though his heart was throbbing with the memory of Matthew’s words. And he would never tell her what he knew. It wasn’t necessary. He would trust Susanna. Her love for him was as real as his was for her.

With a broad smile on his face he opened the front door, the light flooding his face. Stepping inside he looked around, seeing no one. Where was Susanna, he wondered. Hearing a muffled sound from the kitchen, he hurried in that direction.

Susanna was sitting at the kitchen table, staring out of the window, and sobbing with great choking sounds.

She wasn’t waiting for him.
Nee
, she too was full of memories. No doubt memories of Matthew. Seeing him today had brought them rushing back. Surely that was the cause of her tears now. As he retreated a step, Susanna must have heard and turned to face him, her handkerchief clutched in her hand.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

She said nothing, the tears still running.

Herman turned and beat a hasty retreat back to the barn.

S
usanna sobbed as the sound of the front door closing hung in the house for long moments. At least Herman hadn’t slammed the door. Wasn’t that what men did when they were really angry? Herman hadn’t looked angry at all. More heartbroken than anything, she decided. And that was why she should be running after him right now. She should have jumped to her feet when he came to the kitchen doorway, but her feet had been stuck to the floor.

The turmoil was too much. Matthew’s return. Matthew wanting to speak to her. Matthew talking to Herman. And likely now Herman knowing more than she had ever planned on telling him.

Matthew had told him about the ring of flowers. And if that had been said, a lot more had probably been said. She had only to think about the long time Herman had stayed out in the barn to know that…and how disturbed Herman had looked on the ride home.

Why didn’t she respond to Herman a moment ago? For the first time since their wedding, she hadn’t rushed into his arms. Had she done something wrong today?
Nee
. Not even back in the days when she was so in love with Matthew. She had done nothing wrong. Her feelings had been real, and in some ways still were. Was that the problem?

Yah
, it was. But what was she supposed to do about that? If only Matthew hadn’t come along right now she would have been okay. She had been doing so well since the wedding. Learning to know and appreciate who Herman was. And slowly the feelings of love had been growing. She was sure of it. But now this. Did Herman know too much to ever trust her again? That was the awful question. Wiping her eyes, Susanna thought of Matthew and the days when they had been together. Everything had looked so easy back then. The world colored with feelings of love and light. How innocent she had been, believing everything Matthew told her. Accepting everything about him as real. But she had based her love on something that wasn’t solid. And Herman was so different. So very solid. Herman had character, and he was patient, and kind, and very real. There wasn’t a thing about Herman that was fake. He probably couldn’t pretend if he tried. Which meant that Herman had to be deeply hurt to have turned and walked back to the barn like he just did. And it also meant he wouldn’t easily be won back. There was no use running after Herman right now with him knowing what he did. Wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him would only remind him of the tales Matthew had told him.

Why did Matthew have to come right now? Why not next year, or the year after that? When her love for Herman had grown deep and solid. When it could stand this kind of storm. Not four weeks after their wedding when they barely knew each other.

What if Herman stayed out in the barn all night? It was cold out there, and he didn’t have a blanket. Would she dare take one out for him? Or would he reject even that? What about tomorrow? Where would he eat if she didn’t feed him? Would he go somewhere else for the day? Tell others about her relationship with Matthew?

Surely not! She must not imagine things like this. She must make supper for Herman. The best she could prepare in the shortest time. And Herman would see the light in the kitchen. He would know what she was doing and return. His hunger would drive him, if nothing else. And if that failed, she would go to him. Beg him to forgive whatever she had done to hurt him. He loved her kisses. She knew he did. She would love him again, and he would respond like he always had before.

Rushing about the kitchen, she lit the extra lantern and hung it on the nail in the kitchen ceiling. Racing to the living room window she glanced out toward the barn. Everything was dark, but Herman was in there somewhere. Probably sitting on a hay bale or pacing around thinking of her. He had to be there. Surely he would be coming in soon.

Running back to the kitchen Susanna began her work, heating the leftovers she had. That would have to do, she figured. Preparing food from scratch would take too long. And they already were full from the Thanksgiving dinner. It wasn’t food they needed right now, but love.

While the food was warming in the oven, Susanna made popcorn. Heaping the bowl full of fluffy white kernels, she placed it near the oven for warmth.

Now what else could she do? She paused to look around. Didn’t Herman like candied popcorn?
Yah
, he did.

Grabbing the caramel, she heated it over the stove and then ran long streams of the sugary mix over the popcorn. With the lid slapped on, she shook the bowl for a long time. When she opened it, the golden mixture brought a smile to her face. Herman would love this. This popcorn would chase away whatever dark thoughts were crowding in.

Opening the oven door she checked the food. It wasn’t quite done yet, she decided. A few more minutes were needed. She would see if the living room was in decent shape while she waited. It had been clean this morning, but perhaps something had fallen out of place.

A quick look around revealed nothing amiss, but Susanna still grabbed the broom to give the floor a fast sweep. When she was done, she went back to the oven. She took the warmed casserole dish out and set it on the kitchen table. Slicing the bread, she placed a few pieces beside Herman’s plate, along with his favorite jam—blackberry. His mom’s recipe and quite delicious. As
gut
as any they’d ever made at home, she had to admit.

Taking the basement stairs two at a time, Susanna brought up a jug of apple cider. One of the few she had brought from home after the wedding. This was a special occasion. She would replenish their supply the next time she was at the market in Kalona.

Surely Herman would be in soon. Taking slow steps back to the living-room window, she peered out. The barn was still dark, but Herman had to be out there somewhere. Did she dare go after him? She had to. She couldn’t wait and let the food get cold.

He was probably waiting for her anyway, brokenhearted, thinking she was still in love with Matthew. And that wasn’t true at all. She was in love with him, with Herman. Even in the middle of this wild
kafuffle
. Matthew had never been real. She was seeing that more clearly all the time.

Opening the front door, Susanna ran across the lawn. The barn was dark when she pushed open the door and stepped inside. Peering into the darkness, she could see nothing. She needed a flashlight. Herman might be in the hayloft, and there was no sense in her making things worse by breaking her legs getting up to him.

Perhaps if she would call, he would answer. “Herman!” she yelled, her voice squeaking. “Herman!” She tried again, louder this time. But there was still no answer. She felt her way around the barn with her hands.

“Herman! It’s Susanna. I’m sorry…I wasn’t trying to ignore you in the house.”

Bruce banged in his stall, recognizing her voice, but the rest of the place held only silence.

I can’t go on without hurting myself, Susanna decided. She felt her way back to the barn door and raced toward the house; almost tripping on the porch steps but catching herself in time. A skinned knee was all she needed now. Blood running down her leg at a time like this.

Finding the flashlight in the washroom, she ran back to the barn and searched. Herman wasn’t on the main floor of the barn, so he must be in the hayloft. Taking her time she climbed up, sending the flashlight beam all around the stacked hay bales. No Herman. Perhaps he is sitting behind the stacks, his heart too broken to speak?

Climbing all the way up she searched. No Herman. She went down and out to the silo. No Herman. He was gone, no question about it. Cold stabs of fear ran up and down her back. Her fingers felt frozen as she clutched the flashlight. Out in the yard she shined the light around the barnyard. What had she missed? Was there someplace else Herman could be?

There wasn’t. And here she was acting like he was some lost child she had to find. He wasn’t a child. Herman was a man, her husband, and he was gone. Should she run up to Bishop Jacob’s place? If she did, they would all look at her with pity. Only married for a few weeks, they would think, and already quarreling with each other.

They wouldn’t come to help find Herman because Herman wasn’t lost. He had left because he wanted to leave. She had to face that, no matter how much it hurt. She went back into the house. The casserole had cooled. The popcorn stared back at her from the place by the stove, accusing her: “You chased your husband off…”

“I did not,” she whispered. “I did not! I love him, and he loves me.”

Then why is Herman out there somewhere, and you are in the house alone?
The food didn’t have to ask the question this time. She asked it herself.

Walking into the living room she sat down and buried her face in her hands. There had to be something she could do. Search the woods perhaps. Call his name again and again. When she found him she’d tell Herman she loved him. That they could work through this. That she didn’t have a desire for things to have worked out with Matthew. That her time and marriage with Herman was so much better.

But Herman wasn’t listening right now. Would he listen in the future…once he came back in from wherever he was? He
was
coming back, wasn’t he? He wouldn’t leave her, would he? Matthew had—and she had never expected that to happen. Was she wrong again?

“Oh, please,
Da Hah!
” she cried out. “Don’t let this be happening to me again. I can’t take it. If Herman doesn’t love me, what will I do?” She heard a noise outside, and jumped to her feet, quickly moving to jerk open the front door. Nobody was in the yard or around the corner of the house. She heard only the wind blowing and saw soft snowflakes floating past.

The snow that had been threatening all afternoon, now it began to fall in earnest. She had been too worked up to notice. Herman was out in a snowstorm! He would freeze if he was in the woods alone. She had to go look for him…but she couldn’t. It was a task too great for her, and her heart would break searching in vain among the trees of the forest. Better if she stayed here and waited. Herman was coming back. He
was!
Because he loved her and she loved him.

Shutting the front door, she walked back into the kitchen. Placing the food in the oven, she shut the door and turned off the heat. There was no point in keeping it on. Herman was coming back, but it might not be for a while. He was a simple man, but he was also stubborn. She would pray—that’s what she would do.

Taking one last look at the popcorn sitting on the stove top, she went into the living room and knelt beside Herman’s recliner.

S
usanna woke with a start. She leaped to her feet from where she’d been sleeping on the couch. The afghan went flying across the floor. Her head pounded as she paused. She clearly heard footsteps outside the front door. Was Herman returning from wherever he’d been? Holding her breath, Susanna took a step forward as the latch rattled and the door was pushed open.