Swap Out (12 page)

She cradles my cheeks in her palms, the cool chain contradicting the warmth of her skin, her long legs locking around my waist as she bends down closer into me and I don’t know if I can take this. Because my grip is gentle as my hands mold to her waist, squeezing her lightly so she knows I have her, that she’s safe and I won’t let her fall. And it only drives her on, even as it slows her down.

Because what was predominantly tongue is now just lips, hers feeling mine as she lingers longer and longer. Her body trembles under my touch as her kisses become sweeter, that little bit of love she only ever lets show becoming a tidal wave of emotion that damn near crushes me. And when I raise a hand to brush my knuckles across the line of her jaw, a single tear drops from her eyelashes and tangles with mine, and she breathes my name.

I rewind my arm around her shoulders, holding her to me as my palm cups her cheek, and when I press my mouth to hers it is a promise I didn’t realize I was ready to make, but I make it anyway and she doesn’t tell me to take it back.

Thank God, she doesn’t tell me to take it back.

“Don’t mind me,” a familiar and deep voice says from my six and Zoe jumps, banging her head on the cabinet behind her.

I wince as she hisses, my fingertips immediately going to feel if there’s a bump but there’s not. I look over my shoulder, glaring at the sight of Scott grinning as he leans against the wall, his arms and ankles crossed like he’s been there a while.

“Ever hear of knocking, douche?”

He scoffs. “Since when do I knock?”

I look back to Zoe and roll my eyes, brushing off the fact that she looks completely mortified. I hook my arm around her waist and help her off the counter, then bend and pick up my shirt from the floor and tug it back on. I clear my throat as I look back to my blushing boss, then nod my head towards my buddy.

“Zoe, this is Scott. Scott, Zoe.”

“Nice to meet you,” he drawls. “You coming climbing with us? Because—no offense—but you can’t climb in jeans.”

“Oh no,” Zoe says immediately, shrinking a little farther away from me. I wrap an arm around her back, my hand settling on her waist and pulling back in. “I’m not…I just came by to say hi.”

“Come on!” he says eagerly. “Luca’s got gear you can borrow and it’ll be fun. We know what we’re doing, we’ll take care of ya.”

I brush my knuckles down her side, my voice firm. “Scott, she—”

But I get cut off when Zoe lurches beside me, her hand coming up to cover her mouth.

“You okay there?” Scott asks, and Zoe looks up at me, her eyes wide.

“What’s that smell?”

I shake my head, but Scott’s voice comes in loud and clear when he says, “Oh, I brought the world’s spiciest Kung Pao Chicken to see if I could get Luca to cry. Eggroll, Zoe?”

We both look over to him, the friendly grin on his face outmatched by the sight of an eggroll sticking out of a paper bag, and she lurches again.

“Oh no,” I mutter, then yell, “Scott, get that outta here!”

I rush Zoe towards the sink and she makes it just in time, her back curling forward as she heaves.

“Whoa!” Scott bursts out, jumping back with his hands held up in surrender—still holding that damn eggroll—and I tuck Zoe’s ponytail into the back of her shirt.

“Get that food outside, now!”

He scrambles and does what I shouted, and I look back to Zoe: still just wretchedly sick as I smooth my hand up her back.

She finally catches her breath and after we run the sink, letting her rinse out her mouth, her head drops onto the edge of the counter as her shoulders shake. I lay my cheek to her spine, feeling every quiver in her lungs and back as she cries.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” I whisper on repeat, and she shakes her head, her voice thick with tears.

“It’s not okay, Luca, it’s not okay.” She sniffles, and my whole body stiffens when she whimpers, “I don’t want to
feel
like this anymore. I just…I can’t wait for this to be over.”

Numb, I pull away from her and just blink for a minute, then hand her a paper towel. I step back and lean against the counter, crossing my arms, and when she turns to look at me I don’t try to smile. There is no such thing.

Her eyes water as she looks over my face, then she throws a hand up in exasperation. “See? This is why I can’t do this. All I’m doing is hurting you—”

“Then stop.”

“I’m not doing it on purpose!” she yells, and for the life of me I don’t know why I believe her. “You said if it was broken, then to fix it. So that’s what I’m trying to do but that only makes things
worse
.”

“Zoe—”

“No!” she screams, and I flinch.

Scott pokes his head in through the door, looking over at me and Zoe standing across from each other, and I point outside and he ducks back out.

“I’m hormonal,” she hisses, “and emotionally compromised, and you know that and you’re taking advantage of the situation.”

“I’m
what
?”

“You don’t care about me,” she bites off, anger burning away her tears, “and you didn’t until this happened. All the romantic gestures and dinners in the world can’t make me forget that you don’t want me, you just want something
from
me.”

“You’re right, you are hormonal and emotionally compromised because you’re acting
crazy
. How can you think I don’t care about you?”

“Because you would do anything, say anything, to get what you want.”

“I want both!” I yell. “Why is that not an option?”

“Because it isn’t!” she screams back, then squares her shoulders, wiping at her cheeks. “This is done. I’m finishing it today.”

I recoil and she turns, striding towards my door and I bolt after her, blocking her exit.

“Don’t, please don’t go,” I rush out. “Not today, Zoe, don’t do this today.”

“You can’t stop me,” she growls, reaching for the door handle, and I block her again.

“You want me to prove it to you?” I ask, and she pauses. “Then…date me. Be with me.”

“No!”

“We’ll pretend this doesn’t exist, that it’s not a factor,” I try, my voice quick and desperate and I couldn’t give two hints of a fuck about it. “And you’re right, I can’t stop you. So in a way it’s already done and I
still
want to be with you.”

“I don’t believe you,” she says, but her voice breaks and I step forward, lightly taking her by the shoulders.

“Please, Zoe,” I beg, “not today. I’m about to go out on a rock that’s extremely dangerous, and I won’t be able to concentrate if I’m worried about you. I could fall and get hurt, or worse.”

“That’s not fair,” she says, her mouth twisting. “You’re manipulating me and you know it.”

“I’m asking you to save
my
life.”

Her eyes close as tears slip down her cheeks, and I pull her into me, hugging my arms around her. She doesn’t hug me back.

“I won’t change my mind, Luca,” she breathes, and I nod, pressing a kiss to her temple.

“I still want you anyway.”

She shakes her head. “You have a week to come to terms with this, and then we’ll know the truth.”

My eyes pinch closed, and her hands finally move to splay across my back.

“But for what it’s worth…I hope you’re right,” she breathes. “I really do.”

I drop my head to her shoulder, feeling as she tucks her face into my neck. Because we both know the truth, and a week isn’t long enough. I’ll never be able to come to terms with this, and I don’t know how I’ll be able to look at her after.

I don’t want to lose the little that I have this fast.

I swallow, then mutter into her shoulder, “Let me get Scott outta here and we’ll—”

“No,” she says, then pulls back and takes a deep breath. “Go climbing. Have fun with your friend.”

I rub my palms down her arms. “Can I call you when I get back? I mean it probably won’t be ‘til late, like at least ten, but—”

“I’ll probably be asleep,” she says quietly, and I exhale. “But…do me a favor?”

I nod.

“Don’t fall.”

I smile as much as I can, but it’s only half of one at best. “I never do.”

She moves to step around my side towards the door, but I catch her hand and spin her back into my chest. Her eyes widen as I cradle her cheeks in my hands, then lean towards her.

“Luca, I just—”

But I don’t care and I kiss her anyway, my mouth soft against hers while her fingers settle against my wrists. But she doesn’t pull my hands away.

I lean my forehead against hers, smiling in earnest. “You look beautiful today,” I tell her. “I should have told you that earlier.”

She sighs, but there are a thousand things on that stream of air: longing, relief, worry, remorse, and they’re just the beginning.

“Please be careful,” she tells me, and I nod, not resisting this time when she pulls away and heads towards the door.

I open it for her, watching as she walks towards the parking lot to where her Enclave is parked beside my Stingray.

A throat clears and I glance to my left, Scott leaning against the wall and pretending to be interested in the status of his fingernails. His eyes dart up to mine with a curious grin and I roll mine, then head back inside my apartment and hear him shut the door behind me.

“So,” he says, following me into my kitchen, “how long has
that
been going on?”

“A while,” I mutter, grabbing some granola bars out of my pantry and setting them next to my water bottle on the counter.

“And please correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t your boss’ name also—”

“Yep.”

“Coincidence?” he asks slyly, and I scowl at him over my shoulder.

“Nope.”

He bursts out laughing, clapping me on the shoulder. “Nicely done.”

“You’re a dick,” I tell him, and he shrugs.

“You’re the one screwing your boss.”

I round on him, grabbing him by the collar and pointing harshly in his face.

“
Don’t
,” I warn, and he unwinds my grip before he backs up, his hands high in surrender.

“Hey man, it’s all good. Although I’m dying to know what the deal is with the Chinese food because
never
have I seen someone blow chunks that fast with no warning.”

I clear my throat. “She’s got a…finicky sense of smell.”

“That sucks,” he drawls. “Although, if I were you I’d be careful. Migraines from scents are one thing, getting sick like that? I’d make sure she isn’t preg—”

I cut him off with a look, and his mouth gapes as he points at me with a massive grin.

“No fucking way!”

“Yes fucking way,” I tell him, stalking off to my room to grab my climbing pack, Scott practically jumping on my back as he hooks me into a headlock.

“Congratulations, man,” he says sincerely, and I know he means it and that just makes it worse. Because when I casually throw him off, then glare at him, his brow furrows.

I move to walk past him and his hand shoots out, catching the flat of my shoulder and stopping me in place.

“She doesn’t want it,” I tell him, and his face falls.

I brush past him and head into my room, stopping short when I see my bed. Knowing what happened in it, the path it’s led us down, it just looks different now.

I turn and look at Scott, and he’s the only one I would ever admit this to. Honestly, I’m glad he’s here because keeping this locked inside of my chest has been eating at me and I just need someone to see my point of view. I know he will; he’s the closest thing I’ve ever had to a brother.

“She’s set on having an abortion, and that’s what we were arguing about. I was trying to convince her not to go today.”

He crosses his arms, and gone is the free-spirited jackass of my best friend and left in his place is the partner who covered me and shot down enemies who were charging in, the man who carried me on a stretcher and hoisted me into the air to safety when I was barely alive.

“Did you convince her?” he asks gravely, and I collapse on the edge of my bed, my elbows on my knees and my hands clasped in front of me.

“For now,” I tell him, and I hear Scott blow out a breath. “She gave me a week ‘to come to terms with it.’”

I see him scrub a hand over his face from the corner of my vision, and then the bed dips a little as he sits beside me.

“Out of curiosity, was that why you were guzzling whiskey last weekend?”

I nod. “With one piece of news came the other and it…I didn’t take it well.”

“I expect not,” he says, and I sigh.

“She’s not a bad person,” I tell him, and he looks at me. “She’s just…some fucked up shit happened to her and she’s still trying to find her way through it.”

The corner of his mouth pulls up. “We all are, Luca.”

My eyebrow arches in agreement. But it takes me a little by surprise when he stands, then kicks my foot with his. I look up at him, and he jerks his chin at me.