Sweat Zombies (2 page)

“
I love you. I've always loved
you. I want to be with you forever. Do you love me?”

I sat up in bed.

“
Yes, yes, my love! Yes! Let's
be together!”

I closed my eyes and puckered my lips. She leaned in...and...her face
turned into Linda's.

She screamed and fell out of her chair.

“
He's a pervert!”

I looked around for Elaine.

“
What
happened just now?”

“
Well...you started yakking in
your sleep...something about a supernatural field made of human
hands. I was scared.”

“
Why am I in this hospital
bed?”

“
You stupid or somethin'? You
had a heart attack, remember?”

“
You're a liar. I'm healthy as
a spring chicken. I take vitamin supplements.”

A knock at the door, and the doctor walked in with a clipboard.

“
I'm late for my dinner with
millionaires, so I'll make this quick. You had a heart attack.
Exercise more. Call me in the morning. Goodbye.”

The doctor ran down the hallway, shrieking, “I'm late! I'm
late!”

Linda looked at me like she was looking at a poor, wounded lamb.

“
Awww. You poor, wounded lamb.
Don't hate Dr. Purr. I'm sure if you were rich and successful he'd
care more.”

I got out of bed and wobbled my way to the bathroom. I paused....

“
Did Elaine drop by?”

Linda thought for a moment and shook her head.

“
Nope. Last I saw, she had her
teeth all over Ben. I knew they'd get together.”

“
You did?”

“
She's always hugging him
during goodbyes; laughing and touching his shoulder whenever he tells
bad jokes....Such a lovely couple. Like angels, they are. God loves
them.”

I groaned and walked into the bathroom and closed the door and sat on
the toilet. They were somewhere out there in the world, kissing,
fondling each other. I put my elbows on my knees and gripped my head.

“
Get out of my head, Elaine.
Leave me alone. Get out of my head.”

My reflection appeared in the mirror over the sink.

I'm getting tired of this. Yank yourself together and make
something of yourself. Go out there and pretend to be somebody!

I fished my head out from my hands.

“
I deserve this suffering. I'm
bad. I'm EVIL. I should be happy for my friends. Elaine, give me
peace. Be with ME. Love me. Hold me. Cradle me. Tongue me. Shower me
with kisses. Rub the small of my back, and then the large of my
front. Someone help! I need mental help, dammit! At least I always
have myself for support.”

A shadow of something big fell and swung in the air.

Myself had hung himself.

A note was taped to his chest.

Praise Jesus!
it read.
I
no longer have to listen to your drivel. It's depressing. I have
better people to watch over.

After a few days at the hospital, it was time to leave.

A nurse rolled me out in a wheelchair. A muscular doctor, fresh from
the ER and covered in gore, strolled by. The nurse floated after him
with hearts in her eyes. He put a leash around her neck and shoved a
dollar into her mouth. They vanished into a dark room. I walked to
the bus stop, still wearing what I called “the hospital dress”.

At home, I stayed in bed for two days...crying over Elaine every
hour, pissing myself because I was too drunk and depressed to get up.
Every time I tried to get up, I felt waves of hopelessness crash over
me. When I couldn't stand the pain of my stomach eating itself, I got
up and made a bowl of 12 scrambled eggs. I washed it down with beer
and passed out on the floor in front of the TV. At around three in
the morning, I woke up to the sound of a crazy person screaming about
how unattractive I was. Since I had been crying in my sleep, my eyes
were shut sight tight due to “eye boogers”. I held my
breath and forced them open. Many eyelashes were torn then. At least
I could see.

The woman on TV was standing in a gym. Sweating, groaning, beautiful
people lifting weights surrounded her. She pointed at me.

“
You!”

I sat up.

“
Whaaa...”

The woman grinned. Under her face appeared the text: Seria Serious –
Owner.

“
Not happy with your looks? Do
potential lovers throw rotten fruit at you to scare you away? Then
you should work out at Sweat Zombies! We have the best gear and the
best instructors guaranteed to make you
beautifuler
.”

The camera turned to a scientist holding a boiling beaker in one hand
and a pie chart in the other.

“
Hello. I'm a smart scientist.
My studies have confirmed what I've believed since I was a wee lad,
and it is this: Exercise and exercisING makes you more attractive;
but you don't have to take myyy word for it. Listen to these
satisfied customers.”

A satisfied Chinese man walked out from behind a red curtain.

“
Hi. I'm a muscular Chinese
man. Once I was lost, but now I am found. I was ugly before I came to
Sweat Zombies. Look at me now!”

He flexed his arms, and so much meat popped out. I was horrified and
impressed at the same time. This Asian fellow took out a can of
beans, held it between his knees, and squeezed until the can
exploded. Chinese toddlers ran up and cheered and ate the mess with
their hands. It was a grand feast. All were merry. Their sexy mothers
ran up to the man and started fondling him in a nasty way and kissed
his cheeks, eyes, nose, lips, ears, neck, and scalp.

A cymbal crashed. Ninja smoke filled the screen. Kids screamed and
begged for mercy and ran off. The owner of the fitness center walked
out from the mess, coughing and waving away the smoke.

“
So come on dowwwn to Sweat
Zombies.” A rope fell next to her head. She pulled on it. A red
curtain nearby opened revealing a flock of attractive males and
females, gyrating all over each other – plus much slobbering
and smelling. The owner stood in the middle of all this sexual
activity. Everyone pointed at the camera and said at the same time:

“
Your new life awaits you!”

I turned the TV off. I'd seen enough. It was amazing. I imagined
myself in that Chinese fellow's muscular shoes. I imagined Elaine all
over my new body – wanting me, kissing me, loving me. I leaned
back in my chair and began imagining our future family, our future
life. I saw us running across the beach, splashing water at each
other, then tonguing and hugging and giggling. My eyes sprung open.

“
Elaine...if you can read my
mind...just know that I love you. I mean, I
think
I love you. I can't get you out of my brain. If that ain't love, I
don't know what is.”

I ate some cheesecake and guzzled three more beers and enjoyed the
dizziness. My mind was set: In the morning, I'd go to Sweat Zombies
and sign up.

“
New me, here I come.”

I got there at 1pm.

A group of threatening, loud women
with short hair, dressed as bikers stared up at a window. A lady was
on the other side, running on a treadmill. She blew the biker girls
kisses. They hooted and pumped their fists into the air. I thought to
myself,
My, my, that runner is indeed the pretty one.

Elaine ran through the kitchen in my skull, kicking over a table and
throwing dinner plates on the ground.

“
You traitor! I thought you
only had eyes for me?!”

Baby, I'm sorry. You're the prettiest girl in the world. All other
girls are shit.

“
Then promise me something.”

Anything.

“
Prove that you love me by
going into that fitness center and making yourself beautiful for
me...all for me.”

And then you'll be mine? Will you promise ME that?

I saw her face all close up. She grinned like the devil...moving
away...melting into the shadows.

Elaine?

Elaine???

A dead breeze. She was gone. Nothing in my skull but tumbleweeds
rolling and bouncing down a dirt road at Sunset.

When I walked inside the fitness center, a gaggle of people were
standing around at the front desk, chatting and nodding and moving
their hands around in the air. They were all saying things like: “I
want to be beautiful.” “I want this guy I know to want
me.” “I want this girl at church to fall in love with
me.”

One of them said, “I feel so ugly,” and they all groaned
and nodded in agreement.

I was shocked. I thought they had beautiful faces. If they were
unsightly, it was because they had food stains all over their shirts,
holes in their pants, and strange liquids dripping from their elbows.
Not one of them washed their hair, and one girl had a whole taco
sticking out of her ponytail. One man had a family of flies in his
ears. Another must've held the record for World's Longest Toe &
Fingernails. And yet...everything smelled normal. I told the
receptionist I wanted to sign up. She smiled and slipped me a paper
that only read – in huge font – “I am now a member
of Sweat Zombies”. I signed it and gave her the first month's
fee.

The owner walked in. She was dressed like a drill sergeant and
dragged behind her a long whip. One of the new guys screamed,
“Snake!” and ran out waving his arms around. No one
laughed. I remember hearing the clanking of weights somewhere behind
me and men heave-hoing. Seria cleared her throat.

“
Ladies and gentlemen, thank
you all for coming. If you'll just follow me to our internal
racquetball court, we can begin our little meeting of the minds.”

We all turned a corner and walked into the room with our sneakers
squeaking on the court. The walls were glass. The receptionist closed
(and locked) the door. Seria cracked her whip. The noise bounced off
the walls. We all covered our ears and jumped back and stood shoulder
to shoulder. Seria put her hands on her hips and threw her head back
and laughed:

“
HA! HA! HA!”

She spread her stance out and shot us a smile.

“
Thank you all for signing up!
Make no mistake, I shall do everything in my power to make sure you
become as beautiful as possible. I've done it for twenty years, and
I'll do it for many more.”

We all cheered and slapped our neighbor's back.

A ghoulish man with bleeding gums yelled, “We're gonna find
love! Yayyy!”

Seria said, “Yeehaw!” and slapped her knee. “You
guys and gals got such merriness. That's good.” Her eyes turned
evil and her smile turned upside down, and suddenly she was seething.
'CAUSE YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT ON THOSE DREARY NIGHTS ON THE TREADMILLS,
CRYING INSIDE 'CAUSE YOU WANNA GIVE UP AND RUN HOME AND CRY ON
DADDY'S LAP, HOPING HE'LL PET YOUR HEAD AND MAKE THE BRAIN DEMONS GO
AWAY.”

All got real quiet like. Things got serious. Seria walked down the
line, eyeing us out one by one, sniffing at us. We kept our eyes
forward. She kept whispering....

“
It'll come for you. Make no
bones about it. Be ready. Be
careful
.
The Demon is gonna tell you to give it up. Tell you that exercising
won't do a damn thing. That'll you'll be lonely forever – ugly
forever. Don't let the Demon get in your head. Fight back. Get mad!
You can get what you want! You will have love!”

We cheered and stomped our feet.

A sickly woman dragging around an IV drip filled with soda said,
“We're gonna find love! Yayyy!”

Seria cracked her whip. We shut up.

“
Take out the picture of the
man or woman of your dreams.”

We reached into our pockets and wallets and held out our pictures –
mine of Elaine. Seria nodded in approval.

“
Splendid,” she said.
“Keep it near you at all times. Always remember, you are here
to get THAT person to fall in love with you. Keep exercising. Develop
the mind of the zombie: Be single-minded...eyes on the goal...keep
moving
forward.”

The receptionist opened the glass door. Before Seria walked out, I
raised my hand.

“
Madam...why do you care so
much about us?”

Seria looked surprised.

“
The happier you are, the more
money I make.” She grinned. “Welcome to Sweat Zombies.
God bless.”

We all said, “God bless.”

Seria walked out and the receptionist closed the door. We all stood
around, looking back and forth at each other. The room filled with
chatter. A woman, with what I hoped was just white chocolate on her
face, smiled at me.

“
I'm so lonely.”

I wanted to smile back, but I
couldn't. I could hear Elaine in my head, whispering,
Don't
you do it, fool. Don't you dare give her your eyes.

There was a crashing sound. We all ran outside. A yellow convertible
had crashed into the front door of the fitness center. The driver was
a nun. She honked her horn over and over.

“
Death to The Shallow Center!”
the nun shrieked. “Death! Death! Death!”

Seria jumped on the hood of the car and smashed the windshield with a
sledgehammer. She was shirtless and topless. All her muscles flexed
with each raise of the mighty hammer.

“
I've had it with you,
Dramatica! Be gone with ye!”

This Dramatica nun person reversed. Seria gave out a scream and flew
backwards into my arms. Dramatica pulled up to us and pointed to me.

“
She'll curse you, boy! Be
warned! Looks does not a lover make!”