Sweet Awakening (37 page)

“Truly?”

“Absolutely. From the time of our good Queen Anne, anyone could sue to recover his losses.”

“But, Andrew, no one ever would, would he? It is ...”

“Not
done,
Giles? Not the honorable thing to do, eh, what? You are right. But it is absurd, don’t you think? Do you remember Jeremy Waites?”

Giles frowned. “He was ahead of us at Oxford. Wasn’t he the one whose brother killed himself?”

“Yes. Over a gambling debt. And think of Franklin. He was forced to marry a cit’s daughter ten years older than he, just to get himself out of the River Tick. And she looked every day of those ten years, I might add.”

“Whatever will people think of this, Andrew? Your brother will not be pleased.”

“Oh, hang my brother. He has never been pleased with me, whatever I’ve done. He should be happy I am going after criminals instead of defending them.”

“And what of Messrs. Oldfield et al.? To say they will not be pleased is surely an understatement, wouldn’t you say? Is there any danger in taking on this case?”

“They have already offered the boy three times his losses to make him drop the case.”

“And he didn’t take it!”

“Young Mr. Grantham is a middle-class idealist, Giles. Grew up in India. Father a hardworking man dedicated to duty and the company. He believes in the law. Believes that this might help other young men who get caught up in the toils of the blacklegs. No, he didn’t accept the bribe, for he is doing this as much for the principle as for the money.”

“And you, Andrew?”

“Oh, they offered me a tidy sum too, Giles. Sent over their solicitor, who very tactfully suggested that this whole thing could go away for five hundred pounds.”

“Now I know you are bamming me!”

Andrew shook his head. “Do you know how much these men can pull in a year, Giles?”

“Forty, fifty thousand guineas?”

“Five hundred thousand.”

“No!”

“
Yes.
They don’t want anyone jeopardizing that kind of profit, I can tell you.” Andrew hesitated. “After I turned down the money, their solicitor hinted that the young Mr. Grantham might want to return to India, ‘for health reasons.’ I sent him away with an earful, I can tell you. I’ve had Mr. Grantham move out of his rooms into a small inn. He’ll be safe.”

“And what about you, Andrew,” asked Giles with concern.

“Don’t worry, Giles. They wouldn’t dare touch a barrister. Or the younger son of an earl, for that matter,” he added with a grin.

“It is nothing to joke about, Andrew.”

“The only danger I am in, Giles, is social. After all, I am about to threaten everything a gentleman holds dear: the right to put his family fortune and estate at risk. I see a frown on your face, Giles. Do you disapprove?”

“What? No, I don’t think so. I must confess, I have never heard anyone question my assumptions about this before. I deplore gambling, I have sincerely pitied and in some cases tried to help those caught up in it, but I never would have thought of challenging anything legally. But now that I think of it, it seems foolish not to.” Giles shook his head as though to clear it. “But I do worry about you, my friend.”

“Nonsense. Nothing will happen to me. I will win this case. John Grantham will go back and finish his studies at Inner Temple, where he will, no doubt, become even more of a social outcast. And gentlemen will go on ruining themselves and marrying Friday-faced cit’s daughters to bring themselves about.”

Giles laughed. “I suppose you are right. Now, when are we going to see you?”

“Oh, I have accepted a few invitations over the next few weeks,” Andrew replied evasively.

“Will you be at the Straitens’?”

Andrew examined his fingernails. “The Straitens’? Yes, I think I did accept their invitation.”

“Good, then we will see you there.” Giles hesitated. “Sabrina will be pleased, I am sure,” he added.

Andrew continued to look at his hand, as if there were nothing more interesting in the world than the state of his cuticles, and said nothing.

“Will you be pleased to see
her,
Andrew? Perhaps that is the more important question.”

Andrew looked up at Giles and said evenly: “I am always pleased to see both of you. You know that, Giles.”

“All right. I won’t pry any further. You left Whitton very quickly, however. And Sabrina has been moping about ever since. I thought, but perhaps I was wrong, that something had happened between you? The afternoon of the storm?”

Andrew’s eyes flashed. “Do you think I would compromise your sister and then flee, Giles!”

“Of course not, you fool. You know that as twins, Sabrina and I are closer than most brothers and sisters. I have always felt that she might have a special feeling for you, Andrew.”

“And what if she did, Giles? What could come of it? Your sister is the daughter of an earl, with a substantial portion and ...”

“And you,” Giles interrupted, “are the son of ...”

“Youngest son, Giles.”

“With more brains and wit than your brother has in two fingers. Why shouldn’t she be interested in you?”

“Lady Sabrina will, no doubt, meet someone more appropriate, with equal charm and more importantly, of equal rank,” Andrew said finally.

“Oh, God, you sound just like your brother! Well, if you are going to turn formal on me, I will leave. But I promise you, this is not the last conversation we will have on this topic.”

* * * *

As was typical of them, while Giles was worrying about the state of his sister’s heart, Sabrina was very concerned about the state of his marriage. By now, everyone in the household was aware that the viscount and his wife were no longer sharing a bedroom or a bed. Sabrina watched Giles very carefully. He was everything that was kind and polite with Clare, and she with him, but instead of taking any opportunity to touch her, he was keeping himself at a distance. It was most likely not noticeable to anyone who did not know him well, but Sabrina was very aware of every missed opportunity.

She had intended to talk to her brother when the opportunity presented itself, but one afternoon, when Giles was at his club, she walked in on Clare, who was huddled on the sofa in the library. It was obvious from the crumpled handkerchief in her hand and her reddened eyes, that she had been crying.

Sabrina sat down next to her and said, “What is it, my dear? Can I help you in any way?”

Clare turned and gave her a watery smile. “I thought I was safe here.”

“I’ll leave if you want to be alone.” Sabrina half rose, and Clare grasped her hand and pulled her down.

“No, no, I didn’t mean that, Sabrina. I only meant I didn’t want to bother anyone.”

“Is it Giles?”

Clare nodded. “Yes. No. I don’t know, Sabrina. I feel I hardly know myself these days, much less anyone else.”

“This summer it seemed as though things were going well between the two of you.”

“I suppose they were. We were sharing a bed, if that is what you mean.”

Sabrina was surprised to find herself blushing. For all her independence of spirit, and the few years she had on Clare, her friend had more experience in this area of life. She stammered an apology for intruding.

Clare smiled. “Don’t worry, Sabrina. After having to reveal every intimate detail of my first marriage before a room full of strangers, I have little embarrassment left. I need someone’s help and advice.”

“Whatever I can do.”

“I don’t know if anyone can do anything,” sighed Clare. “There is more to marriage than sharing a bed, Sabrina. The physical side is less complicated for a man than a woman. Giles and I reached a certain level of intimacy, but I found myself unable to give him more. It is distressing to both of us that my capability for a full, passionate response seems to have died with Justin. Although,” Clare added in a low voice, “perhaps it is just punishment.”

Sabrina had nothing to say. She was no innocent and knew what happened between a man and a woman, but the subtleties of marital intimacy were a mystery to her.

“Some of this tangle is due to my fear,” Clare continued. “I was able to respond to Justin and look what happened. As soon as I feel anything like those feelings with Giles, something in me shuts down.”

“But Giles is nothing like Justin, Clare. He would never hurt you.”

“Of course I know that, Sabrina,” Clare replied almost impatiently. “But I have changed, and he can’t seem to see that. I don’t think he wants to see it. He married little Clare Dysart, not Lady Clare Rainsborough, the notorious widow and murderess.”

“You are
not
a murderess, Clare.”

“I know it was in self-defense, Sabrina. But all the same, I killed a man. You saw him.”

Sabrina shuddered.

“I wish Giles had seen him. I think as much as Giles wants to protect me, he needs to protect himself. He will not be angry with me.”

“But why ever should he be?”

“Because I walked away from an understanding of many years. I walked away from his love and protection right into the arms of a charming villain. He still can’t understand what it is like to live with someone like Justin. To live all the time utterly confused and helpless to change things. To tell you the truth, Sabrina, sometimes I wonder if at some level, Giles is repulsed by me. And the only way he can deal with this is to love the old Clare. But I am not that child any longer.”

Sabrina looked at Clare as though seeing her friend for the first time. Because she was a woman and because she had been there the morning after, she had always had a better understanding than Giles of who Clare had become. But she, too, had been happy to split Clare into two people: the Clare she had known for years and the aberrant Clare who only existed because of her terrible marriage. Like Giles, she had seen him married to the old Clare, who somehow miraculously emerged unchanged from her ordeal.

She put her hand tentatively on Clare’s. “I think you are right. I
know
you are,” she continued. “It is very difficult to comprehend what these last few years have been like for you. I don’t like to think about what I saw that night. I don’t like to think about what you looked like. I have wanted it all to go away, so that we can return to what should have been.”

“Perhaps my marrying Justin
was
what should have been, Sabrina,” said Clare, covering her friend’s hand with her own. “Had I married Giles two years ago, I would have been marrying my ‘Galahad,’ my illusion of him. I know now that no one is perfect, least of all me. I needed to learn how to protect myself. You have always known how, Sabrina.
You
would have thrown those worms right back at Lucy Kirkman,” said Clare with a soft laugh. “Or pushed her into the stream!”

Sabrina smiled.

“Well, I have been through what feels like the fires of hell and have come out stronger for it. I wish protecting myself had not meant killing Justin, but I can’t be the old Clare for Giles, even if it would make him more comfortable. And if he can’t even see the new Clare, how can he love her?” Clare hesitated and then spoke again. “I will have to get past my fears and risk myself again. I know that, Sabrina. But I am sure that nothing will be resolved in our bed until Giles stops loving an illusion.”

* * * *

Clare’s observations on the state of her marriage had surprised Sabrina. She thought she knew her brother very well, but she was beginning to realize that their very closeness made it difficult for her to see him whole. In some ways, Clare had the clearer picture.

Over the next few days, Sabrina observed Giles closely, trying to see him with the eye of an outside observer rather than a twin sister. He was a very good man, Giles Whitton, one who was quick to notice things that others of their class might have overlooked: a parlor maid with red eyes who had been bothered by one of the footmen, the cook’s extra efforts in planning a favorite dish for him, the young lady with spots holding up the wall at a rout. And so obviously trying to be understanding with his wife.

He was much nicer than she was, Sabrina decided.
She
understood Andrew’s feelings, but she was not about to wait around forever when they both cared for one another. She had always been less patient than her brother. And as she watched his chivalrous behavior with his wife, as she saw him act as though all were well between them, giving her a gentle kiss good night before they went off to separate beds, that while the value of such goodness was not to be underestimated, her brother might very well be destroying his marriage slowly, patiently, and understandingly.

The truth was that Giles was, at last, beginning to understand this. At first he had dismissed Clare’s outburst. After all, what he felt for her was a genuine and lasting love. One which had
not
altered when it alteration found. How was it a fault to hold the younger Clare in his mind, to respond to that innocence and vulnerability?

But he was nothing if not honest with himself. He did
not like to think too much of her marriage to Rainsborough. To wonder why she had not sought help. Her family’s help.
His
help. And once the trial was over, he had wanted to put her husband’s death completely behind them. That was the way he thought about it: her husband’s death, something that had occurred, but did not have a thing to do with Clare. For how could he possibly admit to himself that his Clare, that lovely child and woman that he had loved for years had been found beaten, bruised, soaked in blood, standing over the husband she had shot with his own pistols?

He could feel Sabrina’s concern, but for once did not want to talk to his sister. Somehow their very closeness stood in the way. And she was a woman, after all, with a woman’s view of the matter. He needed someone to help him understand himself and his own confusion.

Therefore, on one of the few occasions Andrew appeared in society, Giles tried to catch a few minutes with him alone, which proved impossible. Lord Avery was out to corner his brother that night, and he was successful in taking up most of Andrew’s time.