Sweet Jesus (18 page)

Have I ever told you, Rose said, how I started a Bible study with a bunch of women in the neighbourhood when you and Hannah were very young and we were living in Tsawwassen?

Connie nodded. She always found these artificial gambits of her mother’s slightly annoying. Rose had something to tell her and this is how she’d start it.

I didn’t think I could do it, Rose said. I mean, who was I? What did I know about the Bible? I wasn’t an expert. But I said, God, if you want me to do this, I will. If there’s any interest at all, then I’ll go ahead with it. So I started spreading the word, and within two weeks there were eight women coming to the house, once a week, with their kids in tow, and sandwiches, and their New Testament Bibles.

Dad must have loved that, Connie said.

Well, he was doing his theological degree, so he was away a lot of the time.

Little did he know, his wife was getting her own degree at home.

Six out of the eight women converted, Con.

That’s great, Mom, she said, letting her head fall back on the sofa.

The point is, Rose said. There was this one woman, Sheryl.

The one with six Doberman pinchers.

Yes, that’s right. Well, one night her house got ransacked by evil spirits. The whole house turned upside down – furniture knocked over, things tossed everywhere – but those dogs of hers never woke up. Sheryl got up in the morning and found her house like that and came shrieking over to our place. So we prayed. But how do you pray for a woman whose house has just been ransacked by evil spirits?

Connie marvelled at her mother’s usual lack of sensitivity. I’m sure there’s a manual somewhere, she said.

And then a week later, Joanne, this other woman, she came racing over to tell me that her house was shaking with demons too. So we ran over there with salt and bread and a cross and my Bible, only to find that her washing machine was off balance and making an almighty clatter in the basement! Oh, how we laughed! We just collapsed in fits of giggles right there on her front lawn.

That’s pretty funny, Connie said and felt a sudden hard clang of sadness for having loosened up for a moment and let her defences down. If she’d felt safe enough, she would have cried in front of her mother endlessly, but instead she needed to be hard. Her hardness is what was keeping everything together.

Tim came out of the kitchen and gave Rose a kiss, then Connie. Goodnight, daughter, he said. God bless. And he went upstairs to bed. Connie knew that he was concerned about her situation, maybe even deeply, but wished, just this once, that he’d express it. His composure sometimes felt like a deliberate blindness, and it hurt her now.

Rose tugged more wool out of the bag and resumed her knitting. All I’m saying is, it was a very high time for me
spiritually
. I loved being in the thick of it, out on the front line like that – and it came after the worst time in my life, Connie. The
lowest I’ve ever been. I was so depressed in the months after I had you.

I know, I know.

Rose looked up again and rested her hands on her lap. It was terrible. I thought I’d have to check myself into a hospital, it was that bad. And I remember praying to God to show me his love or else I don’t know what I would have done. Then I got pregnant with Hannah and I thought, this is it. I’ve just about had it. I think I wanted to die.

Rose tilted her head and smiled with the uncomfortable exposure of such a confession. So I was praying like stink, she said, just praying and begging God to send me a sign. And he
did
. I remember it so clearly. I felt so certain of his love for me. I don’t know how else to describe it. And then that certainty kind of faded. And I never really felt it again until five years ago when I went, with a delegation from our church, to the Kingdom of Salvation Center in Wichita.

I
know
that, Mom, Connie said. And you’ve been talking about it ever since. I
know
how good it was for you. Why are you telling me all of this right now?

It’s just that I felt the most powerful manifestations of the Spirit there, Con. The Lord was really present to me, and I think he’d be present to you too. They have a prophetic ministry service there, and God has been speaking for a long time, directly through their prayer counsellors, sending out some really transformative stuff. It might just help you deal with what’s going on right now. You could take Hannah with you. She’s living off a grant this year. She’s got no kids. Her schedule is completely flexible. When was the last time you two girls spent any quality time together?

Is this all you’re ever going to say when something goes wrong? Go to the Salvation Center?

I just think you might really benefit from going, Rose said earnestly. I’ve been thinking about this for so long, and now –

Benefit
? Connie said. Because I could stand to do with a few improvements? You think this is
my
fault? Why is your advice always so loaded with criticism? Why do you have to be so controlling?

I’m not trying to control you, Rose said.

No, you just want me to go to this crazy mega-church and have the exact same experience you did, so – what? So you can take the credit for my spiritual recuperation?

It’s not about taking credit, Rose said. I’m just trying to help.

You don’t even know
how
to help.

Well then,
show
me. I feel so helpless sometimes. It’s so hard to know what you need.

What about
listening
for a change?

I’m listening all the time! I got a call from Zeus today. The defensiveness had suddenly dropped out of her voice.

Zeus?

I haven’t heard from him in ages. Rose looked so hopeful and excited.

Well, what do you expect? Connie said. When you guys found out he was gay, all you did was make him feel sinful.

That’s not true!

Well, you didn’t exactly
embrace
it. It obviously became impossible for him to stay, because who leaves home at the age of fifteen?

I’m not the same woman I used to be! Rose shouted and started to cry. All I’ve ever wanted is for my children to be happy.

But Zeus was your child too. You
adopted
him.

I know I failed him, Rose said. You don’t think I know that?

Rose cried often, and her face immediately showed all the signs. It was almost flagrant how puffy her eyes got, how pink her nostrils looked. She put a hand on her chest and started to wheeze. Stress of any kind always triggered her asthma. She stood up stiffly and went into the bathroom. Connie heard the mirror open and the puff of her Ventolin, followed by the deep inhalation.

After a while, her mother came back into the living room. She looked unreachable, like someone travelling across an empty landscape. Connie didn’t enjoy hurting her mother. It made her feel awful, but she couldn’t banish her own cruelty and impatience. Why are you always trying to
fix
everyone? she said. Why can’t you just support me without shoving your opinions in my face?

I’m not trying to fix anyone, Con, that’s not what I’m saying. Rose looked so injured. This is just something I thought would be really good for you. Something I wanted us to share.

Connie pulled her hair back away from her face.

You don’t have to go – Rose took another quick suck on the little snorkel of her inhaler – it was just a suggestion.

Sure, let me just take a thousand dollars out of my nonexistent bank account, leave my three children, and fly off to Wichita.

I was thinking
I’d
pay for the trip. You know I’ve saved up a little, and nothing would make me happier. Think of it as a favour you’d be doing me, Rose said and gave Connie a weak grin.

A favour? Connie said. You want me to do
you
a favour at a time like this? This is
my
crisis, Mom. It’s not yours. See what I mean?

There was silence for a long time. One of the children upstairs cried out in their sleep.

Let’s just talk about it in the morning, Rose said, and Connie immediately felt a profound need to sleep.

The next morning, she came down for breakfast, headachey and nauseated from lack of sleep. On the table were three bowls with the remains of cereal, half-drunk glasses of milk. Rose was just cleaning up. She stopped when Connie entered the kitchen and wiped her hands with a dish towel. She watched Connie take a seat.

Zeus wants to go see his birth parents, Rose said. And he asked me what I thought, and I hesitated to encourage him. But I think I was wrong. Of course it’s what every child needs – to know their parents. I’ve been thinking about this all night and I want you to think about it too.

Think about what? Connie said. She was distracted by the noise of the
TV
in the background. The volume was on way too high. What about his boyfriend? she said. Doesn’t he have a boyfriend?

He just died.

Really? Oh no, poor thing.

Rose passed her half a grapefruit in a bowl.

We’ve never been much good to him as sisters.

Well, now’s your chance, Rose said.

What can
we
do?

I don’t know, Rose said. But I was thinking if the three of you drove together to Wichita, it would be a chance to reconnect with him, and then you’d at least be taking him part of the way to New Mexico. You could fly to Toronto, get Hannah, drive to Chicago, pick up Zeus, and head down to Kansas.

Connie stared at her mother in disbelief.

I’ll pay for it, Rose said. Your ticket, the rental, and money for gas, the lot of it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Connie said. I can’t really see this happening. Honestly, Mom.

Hannah would agree if you asked her to do it for you. She loves road trips. Besides, she’s always had a soft spot for Zeus, you know? She’s more loyal than you give her credit for. Rose turned and resumed washing the dishes.

You and Hannah were so different growing up, she said, looking out the window. Hannah always so lost in her imagination. There was never anything quite as compelling as the stories she conjured up for herself. You, on the other hand, Rose said, turning back to Connie and drying her hands. You’ve always been so grounded. You didn’t like to be caught off guard. You hated surprises. I remember thinking, Con will never be impulsive, but she’ll always be prepared.

I’ve never been prepared for anything in my life, Connie said.

That’s not true. You’re a great planner, and things have pretty much turned out the way you wanted them to.

Connie leaned forward and stared into the glistening intricacy of her half-eaten grapefruit. I never planned to go bankrupt, she said, then straightened up. Why am I even thinking about this? Have you forgotten what just happened to me? Where am I going to live? How am I going to pay the bills? Where’s Harlan? I don’t even know where my husband is!

Rose passed Connie a mug of coffee. You’re just going to have to be patient for a little while about a lot of things.

Connie looked at her mother and clenched her jaw. What about the kids?

We’ll take care of them, Rose said. She was gaining ground, and she knew it.

And you think Zeus is just going to buy into this sudden family convoy?

There’s only one way to find out.

Don’t you think, Connie said, that what I need right now is to stay and try to work things out with Harl? Shouldn’t I be out looking for him?

You won’t find him if he’s not ready to be found.

What if he needs me right now?

He needs to hit rock bottom is what he needs. And then he needs to pick himself up again.

It was true, the last thing she really wanted to do, right now, was talk to Harl. Let him rot over there for a while at his sister’s place, if that’s where he was, in that sour and smoky living room, drinking a Kokanee, with the
TV
on full blast.

Rose stood behind her daughter and put her hands on her shoulders. This will be something good for you, for all three of you, whether you know it or not. Rose was massaging her shoulders.

Emma called her from the living room, but Connie didn’t want to move. Emma and Theo came into the kitchen, both talking at the same time about what cartoons they wanted to watch and who was allowed to use the remote control. They stood very close and Connie stroked their soft faces and said, in a gentle voice, that she’d be there in a minute. When they were gone, she asked her mother, And what if I decide not to go?

Nothing changes if you don’t give it a chance to change, Rose said and kissed the top of her daughter’s head.

H
annah and Connie carried their luggage through Chinatown. They were waiting at the corner of an intersection for the light to change. Beside them was a pet store. In the window sat a fat brown bunny, its nose twitching rhythmically. Connie was tired from her flight the night before, and the time change, and perhaps that was why she found it so impossibly sad to see this flaccid bunny on sale, first thing in the morning, with a price tag for twelve dollars. Today was Halloween, and above the rabbit, the cardboard cutout of a witch on her broom hung from the ceiling by a string, rotating in the circulating air.

I don’t know how I can persist in loving Norm as much as I do, Hannah blurted, when he’s causing me so much grief.

Well, at least you know you
love
him, Connie said wearily. The light turned green and somewhere behind her a man whistled and it made Connie stiffen. Then she realized it was the crossing signal for the blind.

I just can’t reconcile how really life-affirming this relationship has been for me, Hannah went on, with his refusal to have
a child. It’s like a death ship at the centre of something really beautiful.

Death ship? Connie asked. Her sister could be so melodramatic. Don’t you realize, she said, that everybody’s just trying to reconcile all the time the good aspects of their lives with what they hate about it too?

Connie didn’t sound very sympathetic, Hannah thought, but then she understood she was probably thinking about her own situation. She’d noticed how sad Connie looked when they left the apartment. Norm had made a big show of saying goodbye to her in front of her sister, and it made her feel sorry for Connie.