Sweetest Taboo (23 page)

“Isabel, I need to speak with you
today
,” Tom whispered nervously in my ear. He was standing next to me while I fumbled through the books in my locker. “Danielle was the one who picked up the phone last night while we were talking. She noticed I was out in the garage on the cordless phone at midnight, so she picked up the phone in the house and heard your voice. I don’t know if she heard more than she’s willing to admit, but it got pretty messy.”

I didn’t need Tom to recount what had occurred; I had come to those conclusions on my own after I heard the
click
while we were on the phone the previous night. Senior year had gone so smoothly, without any hiccups, rumors, close calls, or obstacles for us. No one at school except Liz knew what was going on between Tom and me, and we had continued seeing each other off-campus without a hitch. We’d just been extremely careful. After I turned seventeen, Tom felt more comfortable in our relationship. He’d told me that I was almost legal, and that soon he wouldn’t have to worry anymore.

He’d never said anything about leaving his wife for me, but I’d found ways to avoid thinking about that, and I’d started to look at my options. My body had matured in the last years, my curves becoming more prominent. My hips had rounded out, my breasts became fuller, and my face took on a more chiseled appearance. I began to shape my eyebrows with tweezers, and even highlighted my long brown hair with honey-colored streaks. Tom wasn’t the only man looking at me these days, and I already had plans to leave for college over the summer. It wasn’t that I didn’t love him anymore, but I’d realized that he might not be the last man I loved. And I wasn’t willing to put my life on hold for him, seeing that his situation at home was unlikely to change.

A small part of me was glad that his wife had picked up the phone. A larger part of me thought that it was about time we had this conversation, and came to a conclusion about what to do. Not right now, though; I was on my way to class, and the last thing I wanted to do was have a discussion with Tom about the consequences of our careless actions in a place as public as the hallway. In fact, my plan was to ignore him at all costs. I had talked to Liz about the situation earlier, and had already decided that this was going to be the breaking point. He was right; I was almost legal now, and there was no reason to keep our relationship a secret anymore. This was the perfect accident, and the right time for him to man up. I was going to break up with him, and I’d decided to end it today, unless he agreed to leave his wife and take our relationship to another level. I didn’t expect him to make this decision easily, but I was tired of playing second fiddle and having to hide.

“I really can’t, Tom,” I muttered. “I have a lot to do before graduation, and I don’t really want to get involved in anything between you and your wife.” I moved a step to the side, pulling away from him. “It sounds to me like you got caught, and it’s time for you to make some tough decisions. Now’s your chance.” I looked expectantly at him, hoping he’d get the message.

“Isabel, please don’t pull away from me now,” he said, stepping closer to me. “Not when I need you most.”

“Look,” I started, “You don’t need this secrecy in your life, and neither do I. It’s time for you to decide what you’re going to do. Do you love me or do you love your wife? If you care about your marriage and you want to save it, then I don’t want to be involved. If you care about me more, then we can talk.” I had thought about this entire situation all night long. I couldn’t sleep after Tom hung up the phone unexpectedly and I knew that this would be a turning point in our relationship. All night long I tossed and turned, reliving the years of love and heartache, the jealousy, the excitement, the disappointments, and the hope of one day having Tom the right way. Naively, for years, I had hoped Tom would love me enough to leave his wife and commit to me, perhaps after graduation. But I was beginning to think that would never happen, and the way he was protecting his wife from our affair was proof of that. A surge of confidence flowed through me, and I could finally speak the things I had kept to myself for so long.

Tom stared at me, taken aback. The lines around his eyes looked deeper than ever, and his hazel eyes were no longer bright with joy, but shrouded with stress and fatigue. His mouth turned down in disappointment and confusion.

“Isabel, just give me an hour, I need to speak with you alone,” he said. “Please? That’s all I’m asking. I don’t know what I’m going to do, I haven’t even thought about it yet. But I must talk to you.”

His voice was defeated, and the concern in his eyes was heartbreaking. He looked so tired and forlorn standing there, the charm gone from his voice and demeanor. My heart softened for a moment as I tried to remember the man I had fallen in love with. Was I making a mistake? I wondered. Was I reacting too strongly?

Then I remembered the conversation I had had with Liz that morning, and my resolve returned. This was what I had to do, I reminded myself. This was the best thing for me. I took a long breath before responding, doing my best to keep my voice from quivering.

“No, Tom, there’s nothing left to say. I’m sorry but I’ve made up my mind. I’m leaving for college soon, your wife’s onto you, and that’s the end of it. Either you make a change or you don’t. If you don’t…”

I let my voice trail off, but my intention was clear; it was going to be her or me, finally. Shutting my rickety locker door, I turned my back on the man I loved and walked away as quickly as my legs would allow. By the time I reached the other end of campus, tears were streaming uncontrollably down my cheeks. The girls’ restroom down the hall from my class would be my sanctuary; the dark, cold room would witness my desperate breakdown.

***

I somehow managed to make it through the rest of the school day without falling victim to another of Tom’s confrontations. I laid low and went to all of my classes, avoiding his side of campus. I asked Liz to watch out for him when we were together, and warn me if she saw him nearby. When the last bell rang, I headed quickly to my locker. I watched him out of the corner of my eye as I rummaged through my stuff, and saw him say goodbye to some of his students. When he turned my way, I shut my locker and practically sprinted down the crowded hall, across the parking lot, and to my car.

I drove on autopilot. When I finally got to the last traffic light, just blocks away from my house, I noticed the large truck idling behind me and did a double take. I hadn’t been paying attention to the cars around me as I drove, and seeing Tom’s truck behind me almost made me drive off the road. He was behind the wheel, as I knew he would be, and he looked incredibly upset. My heart began to race. I didn’t believe that he just happened to be going in my direction; I knew from experience that he lived in the opposite direction, and didn’t have friends on this side of town.

The red arrow on the traffic signal turned green, and I turned my car and raced down the narrow street. Behind me, Tom turned and followed me closely. What was he thinking? I panicked as I realized that he meant to follow me home. I couldn’t allow him to come to my house; my parents would ask so many questions. I put my foot on the accelerator and sped ahead, trying to lose Tom, but he continued to tail me.

I looked in the rear view mirror again, considering my options. Tom clearly intended to follow me all the way home in his determination to speak to me. I didn’t think I had much choice; he was risking everything to talk to me. He’d already been caught once, and he evidently was not afraid of getting caught again. I had to play his game, at least for the afternoon. My heart pounded loudly in my chest as I made my decision, finally easing off the accelerator and driving out of my neighborhood. I needed to find a neutral location, where Tom could park and approach me.

I drove to a neighboring town where Tom and I had met when we didn’t have enough time to meet at the foothills. Tom must have known exactly where I was going, because he accelerated and overtook me. By the time I turned into the empty alleyway, he had already parked his truck and was leaning against the passenger door waiting for me. I glanced at him, then down the deserted alleyway. I had trusted this man once, but his actions today made me nervous, and I wondered what exactly he had planned.

I pulled forward and parked, watching him stride quickly toward the passenger door of my car. I’d never seen Tom move so quickly or aggressively, and his eyes had taken on a bright, fevered look. He didn’t look like the man I’d loved for so long. He opened the passenger door and jumped into the seat next to me, locking his door. As if locking the passenger door were not enough to startle me, he reached over and locked my door as well. I looked at him, confused. Did he think he was holding me hostage or something? What had gotten into this man? In the three years we had loved each other, I had never once felt physically threatened or intimidated by him. But today, there was desperation in his eyes and his body language was, for the first time, jerky and unrecognizable.

His words affirmed this thought. “Isabel, please look at me. You can’t do this! You can’t just decide that it’s over!” He paused and closed his eyes, trying to gain control of his voice. “That’s not how this works. You’re my life and I can’t just lose you like this.”

His eyes burned a hole through my heart, my body becoming rigid. I couldn’t speak nor face him, and I didn’t want to see the sorrow in his eyes. I had known that this would hurt him, but I hadn’t thought it would be this emotional. And I hadn’t realized that it would hurt me as well. Suddenly his hand came to my face to grasp my chin. He raised my face so that his eyes could meet mine.

“Isabel, please look at me!”

I took a breath to steady myself and looked up at him. I began to speak slowly, hoping that he would look past his anger and hear what I was about to say.

“Tom, you need to settle down and listen to me. We can’t do this anymore. I can’t play second fiddle to your wife anymore, and I’m not going to ruin your marriage either. This can’t be my burden. I can’t take it anymore! Can’t you understand that? Why do you want to take more chances? Doesn’t your wife know? How can you keep lying to her, hoping to get away with this? And what did you think would happen? Did you think that we’d always be together, that I’d always be willing to take the back seat to your marriage? I just … I just can’t do this anymore. It hurts too much. I’m sorry.”

Tom’s body language changed; he relaxed the firm grip he had on my jaw and his eyes lost their look of confusion. His voice took on the charming, coaxing tone I knew so well.

“When I talked to her today, I convinced Danielle that you were one of my students calling because of a personal crisis,” Tom told me. “Danielle didn’t actually hear anything incriminating, she just heard a girl’s voice and that’s when I hung up. So she’s got no real proof. You don’t have to worry. Anyway, I convinced her that it was innocent … just me trying to be there for one of my students. So there’s nothing to worry about, Isabel, you didn’t ruin anything! You have to believe me. Things are okay, I promise. You just can’t leave me now. Please, Isabel, you’re my whole world.”

“But, that’s not enough,” I said, my voice trembling. “That means that you’re still trying to mend things with her, still trying to keep me a secret, and I just can’t take that anymore. Maybe it didn’t hit me before, but after last night, reality just smacked me on the face. I can’t be part of this, it’s not fair to me.” I straightened my spine, hoping to bolster my conviction. This was what I had already decided, I reminded myself. This was what was right for me, and I had to stand up for myself. I had to finally do what was right for Isabel, rather than allowing him to talk me into ignoring the reality of our relationship.

“Isabel, I need to tell you something,” Tom said intensely, “I need you to know exactly why I got married. It’s not what you think. I’ve never told you because I’m ashamed of it, and I didn’t want you to think less of me. I proposed to Danielle on a night that I don’t even remember. I was high on drugs and drunk at the time. We were so young, and I was stupid, doing stupid things. But I was never in love with her, and I’m not in love with her now. It was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. After I woke up the next morning, I didn’t have the guts to back out of the engagement or the wedding. I was a coward then, and I’ve always regretted it. I don’t love her, Isabel. When I tell you that you’re it, it’s coming from my heart. I love
you
. It’s that simple. You’re the one I’ve been waiting for my entire life, and I just can’t let you go, Isabel. I need you.”

My mind spun. I didn’t know what to think. Was he making this up to keep me? Was he really that desperate? It was impossible for me to imagine him high on drugs or even drunk. The thought of Tom high on drugs made me incredibly sad and I felt discouraged.

“Isabel,” Tom whispered, “you’re the only thing in my life that makes sense. I didn’t want kids, I didn’t want the marriage that I ended up with. I’m unhappy and trapped. But I don’t know if I can leave her or the kids. Please, you have to understand how hard this is for me.”

I’m not sure if Tom read the hurt look on my face, but inside of me the sadness turned to confusion. I had told him exactly what he needed to do to keep me, and he was refusing to hear it. Did he actually think that he could talk his way out of this? Talk me into continuing a dead-end relationship with him? If he did, he was wrong. I was stronger now, and after today I felt stronger than him, emotionally. I began to pull away, searching for a way to get him out of the car. Tom continued to talk, explaining what had gone on in the marriage, and how he’d been forced into one adult decision after another at a young age. Every word seemed to hurt me even more, and I did not want to hear about his marriage anymore. The drug and alcohol admission was one thing, but to hear him trying to validate his reasons for staying with his family, after I’d specifically told him that I could no longer deal with the kind of relationship we had …

“You need to stop,” the words spilled out of my mouth. “I can’t put myself through this anymore. First, it hasn’t been fair to your family. Now, though, I have to think of myself. I’ve had a lot of chances in the last couple years – chances to be with guys, or to go places, or to lead a normal life. And you know what? I didn’t take them, because I felt like I would be cheating on you. I couldn’t even get through a first kiss with another guy because of how committed I was to you. I couldn’t take trips with my friends because I knew that you would miss me too much. I spent my entire high school career terrified of the teachers and students around me, just so I could continue to see you. I love you, but it’s just not fair to me. If you love me as much as you say you do, you should understand that. Is that too much to ask, Tom?” By the time I finished speaking, I felt as though I had been shouting. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, but the damage was done. I was hurt and disappointed, and my mind was firmer than ever. I was leaving him. Now.