Synergy (14 page)

The
morning after that first night, she’d had to find her own way home.
She didn’t dare call a cab because she didn’t know how far away
from home she was, and she didn’t know if she could afford the cab
fare home.  She certainly didn’t want to spend all her money
on it; she still had bills to pay after all. She had walked until
she had found a bus stop, and found the bus that went the furthest.
From there, she’d walked to find another bus stop and done the same
thing. When she finally recognised somewhere while on the bus,
she’d got off and walked the rest of the way. She planned to do the
same today. She would never tell him that.

As she
waited at the bus stop, she checked the time of the next bus due to
come and saw she had another ten minute wait. She sighed, and sat
on the bench attached to the stand. She could have killed for a
drink, or a blunt. Even a cigarette would have sufficed. She
thought about the fact she had a baby inside of her and she shook
off the thought, she couldn’t. As she sat slumped in the seat, a
young kid passed by the stand, and stopped in front of
her.

“You sell weed?”
 
he asked
.

“No”
 she automatically
replied.

The kid
must have been no more than sixteen, and she couldn’t be sure
whether he was just pure stupid, or he was a snitch, but either
way, she wasn’t going to admit to being a dope girl to some random
kid outside of her district. As he continued walking, she sighed.
She really could do with some weed. A smoke of anything. Since
having Tushaun, she had got far too used to smoking weed every day.
It wasn’t even once a day, it was multiple. She didn’t think she
was addicted or anything like that. Pretty much everyone she knew
smoked it; her mom, her brother and sister and her friends.
Sometimes she’d just join in for social reasons because everyone
else was, but sometimes she really felt like she needed it, in the
same way she would crave a cigarette. If she was stressed, or
upset, or even angry, she’d smoke weed to bring her mood down. It
would help her to achieve that balance that everyone else seemed to
have without.

Dee had always struggled with her anger for as long as she
could remember. She remembered her brother teaching her how to
fight when she was around 7 or 8. The next day when she went to
school, she punched a boy in the stomach and then kneed him in the
balls. She didn’t think she had done anything wrong. After all, her
brother had told her that it was his brotherly duty to teach her to
fight just in case anybody tried anything, and she had taken his
word for it. He had told her it was good to practice, and so that’s
exactly what she’d done. She’d asked a boy in her grade if he
wanted to practice fighting, and being a boy, he’d agreed. He
probably never thought he’d be fighting against a little girl who
actually knew how to fight. A teacher saw them and suspended Dee
for a few days, and had her mother in to speak to her. Her mom
didn’t really care. She pretended she did to the school and
apologised to the teachers, but once they were home, her mother
patted her on the back and told her 
‘not to take any shit.’

Dee
thought about the conversation she’d just had with Jason in his
hotel room. She thought about the way she’d lost her cool, the way
she’d shouted at him, how she wanted to punch him when he didn’t
say anything. It was normal for her to lose it when people annoyed
her; that was just her personality. She realised Jason didn’t
really know her or her personality, and wondered what he was
thinking right now, probably ‘crazy bitch.’ She couldn’t blame him.
The news of her pregnancy was shocking to her too, and in a way,
she still didn’t really believe it, almost like she was in a bit of
denial.

She had
been sick recently, the start of the morning sickness, and then she
realised her period was late. She had always been regular; aside
from the first time she became pregnant with her son, so she knew
it didn’t sound good. She then had to make sure, so she went and
bought three different pregnancy tests, from a store where she knew
she didn’t know anybody, something that was harder than it sounded
in her neighbourhood. She knew sometimes they could be wrong, but
when all three showed positive, she knew she couldn’t pretend
anymore. She knew it was her own stupid fault for getting wasted
and not using a condom. Maybe if she had a better memory she would
remember to take her pill more often, but she found herself
forgetting more often than not.

Once she
boarded the first bus, all she could think about the entire journey
was how much she wanted to smoke. She tried to put herself off, but
as she’d left her iPod at home, she didn’t really have anything to
distract herself. The twenty minute bus journey went by slowly, and
once time came for her to step off, she didn’t waste any time in
opening her purse at the next bus stop and lighting up a cigarette.
She figured it wasn’t as bad as lighting up a blunt and so she
enjoyed her smoke as she waited for the second bus to arrive. She
did feel guilty but she shook off any thoughts of that as she felt
she couldn’t cope with anything else in her head right now. Though,
as she smoked, she vowed in her head that it would be her last
cigarette while she was pregnant. This child didn’t ask to be here
and she wasn’t about to risk giving it problems it didn’t need. She
was already bringing it into a world full of
problems. 

Chapter 12 – Calm Before the Storm

Jason

There
were so many questions whizzing around in his mind. He really felt
like he hadn’t had chance to think properly when she was here,
because the simple word ‘pregnant’ had thrown him off course. He
couldn’t believe this had happened, but then he thought back to the
night they slept together, and he didn’t remember using protection.
He didn’t really remember much about that night other than her
body, how good she felt, and the rest was a blur. He felt slightly
embarrassed that he was still doing things like this at 25 but he
knew it was too late to start having regrets now. Shit had just got
serious. He wondered if they could make it work. They both lived in
different states, and he was never in one place for too long when
he was working. Would he be one of those fathers that prioritised
his career over his family? He frowned at the word ‘family’ as it
came to his head. He couldn’t exactly call this girl family. She
was a woman that he had slept with once.

‘
She’s carrying
your baby’
 his mind told
him.

As he
lay on the bed, he suddenly felt restless, and sat up resting his
head in his hands. He didn’t know what to think, nothing felt real
to him anymore. He couldn’t help but wonder what he was going to
say to his family, his friends, his fans even. When did he even
decide to say something?

He had always wanted a family of his own. Seeing Tom with
Carmen and baby Lydia made him envious sometimes of what he had.
Sure, he had his career but he saw Tom’s eyes light up every time
he saw Lydia smile, or say ‘dad’, he knew it was probably a whole
different feeling altogether. Still, he had always dreamed of doing
things properly, of meeting the right woman and getting married
before they had their children. He never imagined it could happen
like this for him. Not that he thought he was better than anyone
else; it just wasn’t what he envisioned for himself. He imagined
what his mother would say, and though at first he imagined her
shock, he imagined her shouting at him for making it all about him.
She would tell him to stop being so selfish and think about what it
must be like for the woman, and for the baby. ‘
A child doesn’t ask to be brought into the world,
Jason
’ he heard his mother’s voice say in
her southern twang. He smiled thinking about his mother and
suddenly he felt like he wanted to share his news with her. Though
he was nervous of her reaction, he felt she would know just what to
say to make things seems better. She always did. It was strange how
they had more than a mother-son relationship; she really was his
best friend. He had always felt he could tell her things, even as a
teenager. Sure, it was embarrassing when his mother bought him
condoms and had the sex talk with him, but it somehow made them
closer. He didn’t feel like he had to hide anything from her. Well,
most things anyway.

Before
he thought about what he was doing, or the implications of his
actions, he had picked up his phone from the bedside table. As he
found his mother’s number, he pressed the call button and saw the
picture of her he had taken last week light up on the screen. It
suddenly made what he was doing very real but undeterred, he put
the phone to his ear and listened to the ringing before a familiar
voice answered.

“
Hey baby! How’s
it going
?” his mother chirped. She sounded
happy.

“
Hey mom. I kinda
need to talk about something
.”

“
Okay...
” his mom said, as she waited
for him to continue.

Jason swallowed. “
I’ve done
something stupid
.”

“
How
stupid
?” his mom asked, and at that moment
he heard the family dogs barking in the background, as if they were
joining in the conversation.

“
I...”
 Jason swallowed again,
feeling as though the words were getting stuck in his
throat.

“
I got someone
pregnant
.”

Jason
heard the dogs still barking in the background but his mom had gone
quiet. He heard her breathing quietly on the other end of the
phone, so he knew she still had the phone to her ear. He expected
she was having the same shocked thought processes that he did
himself.

“
Who is
it?”
 his mom asked quietly after a
minute.

“Just, a girl I met out here
.”

“
And is she
keeping the baby
?” his mother
asked.

“
I think so”

“
How do you feel
baby
?” his mom asked, and he couldn’t help
but think he was surprised at how calm she sounded. He appreciated
the calm tone of her voice though; it was making him feel calmer
speaking to her.

“
I don’t know. Shocked. Scared, I
guess.”

“
You need to find out what her plans are, see what she wants.
It’ll be okay.”

He knew
he had done the right thing calling his mom despite his
reservations.

Dee

Though
Dee had become pregnant for the first time at 18, it wasn’t a huge
scandal in her family. Her best friend Tip had his first baby at
14, and half her class were pregnant by the time they left school.
It was pretty normal for people to have babies as a way of life,
rather than find a job and make it big through their own avenue.
Dee was already in a relationship with Trey for a number of years
before she became pregnant, and her mother liked trey, so when she
had told her mother she was pregnant, her mother was excited to be
getting a grandchild. She went to work the next day and told
everybody that her daughter was pregnant, as if she had just won a
Nobel Prize. When Dee had found out she was having a boy, her
mother bought her baby clothes and bragged to everybody she knew
that she was having a grandson.

This
time, Dee knew it was going to be different. She knew because she
wasn’t in a relationship, and her mother didn’t even know she was
sleeping with anyone. For the most part, she knew it would be
different because the father was a white man. Maybe she would
change her mind when she found out he was rich; she would probably
think that was the reason she got herself pregnant. A lot of women
around them would have done just that. Not Dee. She had already
told her best friend Shaneeka the news and swore her to secrecy,
which she knew she would keep. Dee had waited until the evening,
when she had put Tushaun to bed. She knew she would have to tell
her mother and her sister first, and then she could tell her
brother at the next prison visit, she didn’t want to tell him on
the phone.

While
Dee had decided to tell her mom and sister in her own way, waiting
until they were sat down together and relaxed, it seemed her mother
had other plans. They had just finished eating a meal Monique had
cooked and Kiki was washing the dishes at the sink. Monique had
just put some music onto the speakers in the kitchen. While most
mothers would be on the sofa on an evening with their slippers on
watching soap operas, Monique wasn’t like most mothers. She
preferred to sit in the kitchen with music on, drinking and
checking her social media on her phone. They didn’t have a computer
in the house so she would go on Facebook on her phone and use up
all her data for the month in a week. Then she’d ask everyone else
to use their phones to use the internet. Dee couldn’t count the
times she’d just told her mom to get a better phone contract with
more data, or to buy a computer, but she wouldn’t listen. As her
mother sang along to the song on the speakers, she got up from her
seat at the kitchen table and carried her wine glass to the counter
where she filled it up with wine.