Tales from the Land of Ooo (6 page)

“Memories I would have
lost
permanently
, if that golden dagger of yours had throttled my skull like it almost did,” Jake said.

“I guess…,” Finn said.

“To put on a good Tree Fort Front Yard Sale, you have to be merciless and cold-blooded, dude. No emotions,” Jake said. “Like me!”

“Okay, I guess you’re right,” Finn said as he tossed an empty cardboard toilet paper tube into the For Sale box.

“NOOO!!!” Jake cried out. “Not that! Whatsa matter with you? That’s got memory attached to it.”

Jake yanked the empty cardboard toilet paper tube out of the box. “I said ‘cold-blooded,’ Finn. Not downright heartless.”

But pretty soon, they had agreed on a fair number of things which they felt didn’t have
too many
memories attached to them. In the front yard, they set up tables. Tables teeming with Tree Fort junk: shark jaws and pelts from strange beasts from across the Land of Ooo and gauntlets and swords and maces and blades and a pillow.

“Hmm,” Finn said, looking at the tables. “Do you think we should be selling all these maces and clubs and swords? Shouldn’t there be, like, a waiting period or something?”

“Eh, who cares,” Jake said. “But you know what we should do? We should put out some hors
d’oeuvres. Class this thing up. Get people in the spending mood.”

“And look at that,” Finn said, pointing at folks coming over the hill. “Here they come now.”

“Oh man, now I gotta rush on the hors d’oeuvres!” Jake said, sprinting inside.

They came from all over the Land of Ooo. There was Princess Bubblegum and Snorlock (who was now with his female snail companion) and Tree Trunks and Susan Strong and Peppermint Butler and a whole ton of other dudes!

Princess Bubblegum was browsing one table when she came across the flask that once held her Decorpsinator Serum. “Finn!” she exclaimed. “You’re selling this? How
could
you
?”

“What’s the big deal?” Finn shrugged. “It’s empty and harmless. It can’t decorpsinate anything anymore.”

“That’s not the point—it’s just that—this…,” Princess Bubblegum said. “This has sentimental value. This is from one of our first adventures together.”

Finn’s cheeks went bright pink (his face cheeks, not his butt cheeks—those stayed pale and white). “You’re right, PB,” Finn said. “I’ll put it back inside.”

At another table, the Ice King picked up Finn’s flute. Finn had once tried to spear the Ice King with it. “Oh, my dear friends, Finn and Jake…,”
the Ice King said, cradling the flute. “Oh, the memories. I kidnap a princess, they punch me. And around and around and around it goes. The never-ending dance of—”

“Wak!” Gunter squawked.

“Gunter! You interrupted my melancholy sadness! Don’t ever interrupt my melancholy sadness!” the Ice King shouted.

Furious at having his emotional journey interrupted, the Ice King hauled off and
punted
Gunter in his tiny penguin rear end, which sent the penguin hurtling through the air—for once, penguins did fly—and put the rocketing penguin on a direct collision course with…

Flame Princess.

Flame Princess was, at that very moment, scolding Finn. “Finn! How could you!” she said. She was holding up a chunk of Finn’s flamer-etardant
suit. “You wore this flame-retardant suit the day we met. Don’t you remember?”

“Of course, I remember! But it’s just a suit…what’s the big deal?”

Before Flame Princess could explain why it was so important to her, Gunter smacked headfirst into her flaming hot tushie. Flame Princess—still heated from Finn—turned and
roared
. She conjured a fireball and launched it at Gunter. It went a little something like
FA-SHOOM!

But Gunter danced out of the way, sending the fireball directly at…

Marceline.

At that moment, Marceline was peering out from beneath her big wide-brimmed sun hat and holding up Jake’s busted viola.

“Jake! What the what? You’re selling this?”

Jake shrugged. “It doesn’t work good anymore.
I’m going to take some of the moola I’m earning here and spring for a new fancy-pants viola.”

“I’m over one thousand years old, so trust me, I know things come and go, yo. But this viola was from our band moment!” Marceline said.

Jake sighed and yanked it away from her. “Fine! I won’t sell MY viola just because YOU don’t want me to.”

Just then, Flame Princess’s fireball erupted beneath Marceline’s hovering black boots.

“What the devil?” Marceline said, spinning in midair. And in an instant, Marceline was morphing. One second, she was just a cute, mischievous, gothy, punk vamp queen, and the next she was a foul, dark beast with tentacles as black as night stretching and reaching out from her transforming body.

“Ahhh!”
screamed Starchy.

“Ahhhhhh!!”
screamed Nurse Poundcake.

And then total and utter mass chaos erupted and
everyone
was screaming.

All of this action was quite stressful for Snorlock, who had a tendency to get panicky. His mind totally
freaked out,
and he went on a slo-mo rampage, crashing through the tables, moaning
wewaaahhhhrrrsswe
!

It was a double catastrophe.

When the smoke and ice and flames and slugs and tentacles and checks and everything else cleared, the Tree Fort Front Yard Sale was no more.
It was just a pile of junk scattered everywhere.

Everyone stood around, staring at the mess.

“Wow,” Finn said. “That was the most violent Tree Fort Yard Sale
ever
.”

Jake stomped his feet. “Dude, that did
not
go well! We didn’t make
any
money, and we didn’t get rid of any junk!”

But everyone else seemed pretty happy with the way Finn and Jake’s Tree Fort Front Yard Sale turned out. Of course, no one had actually
purchased
anything, but the small(ish) calamity that broke out had kept Jake and Finn from selling anything of sentimental value to anyone! Yes! Memories
intact
!

“Also, I don’t think anyone liked my hors d’oeuvres,” Jake muttered.

THE END!