Tales of Sin & Fury, Part 1 (20 page)

‘Then Miss switches on the ghetto blaster. It wasn't exactly rave music. Tamla Motown. “I'm Gonna Make you Love me,” her generation music. The girls were all like, “I can't do without a fag for an hour,” and she goes “You might if your body could relax a bit,” and they're going, “I'm not dancing to that, Miss,” “Got any House?” and she goes, “Listen and see if you can loosen up” and in the end most of us were doing a bit. That honey music kind of slides into you. That Janice is waving her arms about going, “I used to be able to do a handstand on one hand as a girl.” Then guess who comes in late? My mate Michelle from Peckham. My mate from school. I didn't even know she was inside. The crime rate must have gone right down in south London with the two of us in here. She only goes and takes her track suit off and she's dancing round in her bra, showing off her tattoos. One of the screws looks through the window and he's rolling his eyes.

‘We're all moving round and Ronnie's staring at the teacher, muttering, “She needs a good shafting.”

‘Ronnie?' asks Debs.

‘Butch-looking woman. Wears shorts. Thick red legs and Doc Martins. She's got eight kids, half of them are inside.'

‘Ain't seen her,' says Debs.

‘Right now, she's only on sleeping pills. Mind you, she drinks like a fish. Anyway, she got the hump about something and she tries to put her oar in. After the music goes on, she stands in front of the class and starts shouting. She goes, “Now you've all got to do what I say.” Then she goes “I can't dance” and she starts dancing right behind the teacher imitating her, bum to bum, as if they were doing it. Teacher just turns round cool as you like with a smile and carries on dancing facing her as if they were in a club. Ronnie didn't give her no more grief after that.

‘Then she gets us in a circle and you're meant to be wiggling your feet, then your ankles, then your legs and all that. Warming up. Gets to the pelvis, she's got us all doing the old pelvic movement, back and forward, the one we can all do.

‘“I know this one,” goes Michelle. “I've had private lessons. Harder! Harder!”

‘“OK,” goes the teacher, “Now see if you can do it softer, more fluid.”

‘Michelle starts going, “Oo, I'm a ballet dancer, I'm a ballet dancer…” Daft cow.

‘After all that Miss puts some chairs in a circle and we all sit down and she asks us if we got anything on our minds.

‘“Heroin, Miss,” goes that Cleo and we all laughed. Cleo, you know, the one in the pin-striped trousers.

‘“Apart from that,” Miss goes, “anything worrying you, like about yourself or your body or anything else.” Red rag to a bull. We're all sitting there, twitching and shaking, shivering though it's like an oven in there, load of whining woosies. Don't all talk at once. It was like a tidal wave.

‘It starts with Cleo going on about how she's been stripsearched three times in four days.

‘Then there was that pale-looking Irish woman. Kathleen. Long dark hair. She was whingeing because she needs a liver transplant and it's been postponed because she hasn't got enough white blood cells. She was in a right state. Missing her kids. Join the club. She's doing five years for slicing up her boyfriend and his girl. Says she wishes she'd killed them and she's got plans for when she gets out. If she lives that long.

‘She set them all off, going on about their kids. Miss is going: “Try to give time, to listen to each other.”

‘Then little Jules chips in.'

‘Jules?' Debs screws up her nose.

Mandy stops in mid-flow and turns to Debs. ‘Juliette, calls herself Jules, don't ya know her? Shaved head and baggies. Rings in her face. She says to Kathleen, “What do you want a boyfriend for anyway? There's loads of cool women around.” She's shagged most of them too. Little tart. “This prison is a really safe place,” she goes, “I come in here when I need a square meal.” Makes you wonder what she eats on the out.

‘Ronnie goes, “We all turn in this game. I never thought I would, but I did.”

‘Bev goes, “I got something on my mind constantly but it too personal to share.” I knew what it was, 'cause she told me. But I didn't say nothing, did I? You can trust me, see! Sometimes.

‘Then Janice starts in her posh voice, running her fingers through her hair, la de da. Griping about how she lost some days remission. She was showing her arms – cut marks all over them, worse than yours, Debs, but then she's twenty years older in't she? She was going on about how much she's got bottled up inside her and nowhere to let it out and sometimes a little thing makes you want to burst. She's on anti-depressants, but they ain't doing much good if you ask me. She can talk, that woman, I thought no-one else was going to get a word in.

‘There was a foreign woman. Can't remember her name. From Portugal, I think. Tiny thing, skinny as a rake, little pretty face, delicate like my Mum's best china. Tight yellow trousers. She got conned by some arsehole into bringing gear in through Customs. There was an Asian woman, can't pronounce the name, she was worried about her court case. She keeps going “I want to go home. I want to go home.”

‘“Not me,” goes Ronnie. She reckons this is her first chance to get some time for herself. First time for months, she reckons.

‘And that sporty clean-looking girl. In a tracksuit. Jamie Lee. Had a towel on her head, was just washing her hair when they called her to the class. She was going like, she's twenty-four and she wants to be a mother, she reckons it's time she sorted her life out. Says she trained as a dancer and look at her now. She goes: “I'm clean at the minute and I want to stay clean. I want to find another way to overcome the pain and anger.”

‘All moaning on.

‘Anyway, after a while the teacher gets us doing some deep breathing.'

‘Heavy breathing?' Debs giggles. ‘Here, how come you remember everything they said?'

‘I remember a bit,' said Mandy, ‘and the rest I'm filling in with the general idea. Got a problem with that?' She pauses. ‘You asked for what happened blow by blow, didn't ya? You'll get a blow on the nut if you carry on interrupting.'

‘Keep your hair on,' mumbles Debs.

Mandy picks up her story. ‘Then Miss spreads out the mats and gets us to lie down on them. She goes, “Now you've got a few things off your chests, we're going to try some relaxation. Lie down and close your eyes.” There was a racket going on outside, you know, keys clattering and that, screws in the corridor talking loud. Miss goes, “Notice the sounds in the prison, send your attention to those sounds.” I can make out some Kanga going on about his Escort. And another one banging on about Paul McCartney on Wogan last week. And then she goes, “Listen to the noises outside the prison.” I could hear the traffic on the main road and a dog barking somewhere. Weird what you notice when you're not busy thinking about loads of other shit.

‘Then somebody in the next door cell starts shouting out the window: “Come on, Donna, you know you want it! Oi! Can you hear me?” she's going. Don't know who she was yelling to, must have been someone in the block across the yard. “I've got the hots for you,” she's yelling, “If you can hear me, wave something out the window. Oi! Donna! Wave something! Anything, your knickers will do, Oi, Donna!” and the rest.

‘We all laughed. Miss laughed too. And she goes, “Now let your attention come back to the sounds in the room, the breathing and that,” and then she's telling us to listen to the sounds in our own bodies. I tried not to fart. And she's going “Find a quiet place inside you.”

‘Ronnie asks her what is a quiet place inside you.

‘And Michelle goes “It's like meditation, ain't it, Miss? It's spiritual, I like all that. I'm psychic.”

‘Ronnie goes, “Yer a psycho.”

‘“No.” says Michelle. She starts telling them she knows things. What people are thinking. What's gonna happen. She just knows.

‘She's getting on Ronnie's tits and Ronnie goes, “Can someone shut that witch up?”

‘Michelle carries on, saying how she can tell the future. And she goes, “Like Mandy here, I know she's going to have a really big shock, a big problem.”

‘I go, “I got problems already, you don't need to be psychic to see that.”

‘Michelle goes, “Yeah, yeah… Just when you think you've seen it all, things can get worse.”

‘Michelle's always been like that. At school she was always going on about hearing things other people couldn't hear. We done ouija boards and all that stuff. If we were up to something she reckoned she always knew when there was a teacher coming.'

‘Hang on,' says Debs, ‘How come she got nicked then?'

Mandy shrugs. ‘Ask her. She says it never works for her, like to help her, only to help other people out.

‘While we were lying there looking for the quiet place, Michelle and I got the giggles. She had a glass of water and she spat some on me, filthy cow. I jumped on her and next thing we were rolling on the floor and knocked her water over and it spilled on everything. Had a good laugh. My T-shirt's still wet, see?'

‘Did you get chucked out?' asks Debs.

‘No, Miss just goes, “Have we got a problem? I know it's hard to focus and relax.” She mops up the floor and she puts some dry mats down for Michelle and me, and carries on. “Imagine you can breathe in strength and breathe out tension. Let the tension drain out of you into the floor.” Oh, yeah, then she goes “Imagine a cocoon around you, keeping you safe, protecting you, helping you get through what you're going through.”

‘Michelle says, “Like an egg.”

‘Then Ronnie goes, “And it cracks. Crack. Crack, get it?” and we all laughed, and Miss just keeps droning on, “It's hard to relax. Imagine a cocoon of golden light around you, protecting you,” and in the end it half sends you to sleep.

‘We were all flaked out on the floor, that Kathleen was snoring, and Miss asks us if we want to curl up on our sides. “Lots of women in withdrawal find this a good position for sleeping,” she goes.

‘“I like it Miss,” goes Cleo. “That's how babies sleep.”

‘So we just lay there quiet and you know what, a bit of sunshine got into the room, Christ knows how, and it was freaky for a minute, like time stopped still, weren't it, Corinne? You could hear a pin drop. If I believed in that stuff Michelle's into, I'd say an angel flew by.'

‘Took a wrong turning, I expect,' says Debs.

Mandy nods, ‘Probably got a shock… But it was that peaceful it could of folded up its wings.' She pauses to remember and I can see stress rolling off her face like clouds off a mountain.

‘Anyroads,' she picks up, ‘after that we did massage. I was a bit dozy by then. We sat on chairs in twos, one behind the other. The person in front puts the chair sideways. And we did this stroking thing down the back of the person in front. Then we swapped. Miss goes, “It's a natural gift. Just stay relaxed and move your hands down your partner's back. Don't rush. It's quality, not quantity.”

‘Then that Kathleen goes “Do we have to follow you, Miss, or can we do it in our own time?”

‘She tells her, in her own time.

‘Then Jules goes, “I'm in pain, Miss,” and she lifts her Tshirt to show off her bruises. From the cop shop. All round the top of her back, they really knocked her around.

‘Miss goes, “Would you rather it wasn't touched?” but Jules reckons a massage might make it better. So Miss puts a hand on her head and a hand on the worst bits of bruise and shuts her eyes and tells her to breathe. And that Jules puts a sock in it. Makes a change.

‘Then the fucking kangas start looking through the door. Lechy bastards. I didn't take no notice. Bet they were jealous. That massage is good. It was all just like, go slow. No pressure. Piece of cake, really. “Down the back slow,” Miss goes. Lots of doing nothing. Your hands laid on her shoulders or whatever. Mostly the back and on the head, you know. No naughty stuff. None of that kind of massage you do for the old gentlemen, Debs.'

‘Fuck off.'

‘I had Jamie Lee paired with me. When she moved her hands it was like a river going down my back. Washing it clean. Magic. I think I must have half fell asleep, but when I came round, it was like, “Hello, world, this is a brand new Mandy”. Like I'd been taken apart, cleaned up and put back together again.

‘How about you, Corinne? Corinne got left out when we went into pairs. She had to have the teacher do hers. Good, was it? With Miss?'

I'm sitting there with my eyes shut, resting my head against the wall and listening to Mandy.

When the massage teacher put her hand between my shoulder blades it felt red hot. Burning into my skin. In a nice way. Like an imprint.

I open my eyes and say, ‘When she moved her hand away, I could still feel it warm there on my back. I can still feel it there now.'

Mandy nods. ‘All the girls were like, “Miss, that was great.” Kathleen goes, “That was the first time I relaxed since I've been in here.”

‘That Janice, though. She goes “I've never seen them so happy. They've all been dancing and massaging and no time for swearing.” Stuck up cow. She talks like she wasn't one of us. She's no better.

‘Then at the end Miss gets us all standing in a circle again, she goes on about feet on the ground so we feel strong to go back out into this dump but she don't say that exactly. And she asks has anyone got anything to say and the Portuguese woman is going, “Thank you for this time,” and Michelle goes, “I like your karma, Miss.” That Jules had gone quiet. Then suddenly she blurts out that they told her she's HIV. Just like that. We all clammed up. Didn't know what to say. Miss asked her what the group could do that would help. Jules goes on about she reckons no-one'll want nothing to do with her now. Like she's out in the cold. Like the Plague. So Miss checks it out with everyone and gets us all to hold hands. Standing there. Jules with the rest of us. She looked like a kid been given an ice cream.