Tananguard 02 - To Love a Lord (20 page)

Josephine walked from William’s camp barely well enough to hold herself upright let alone walk. Yet she did. She forced herself to. She couldn’t stay, and she didn’t plan on going home. But that is what she told them, her aunt and uncle. She told them she needed to go home. Told them he might come for her. She argued with William about it—said things she really didn’t mean…hurtful, horrible things. She was so lost and afraid. She didn’t want him to mourn her when she was gone. She was with child, and she didn’t know whose child she carried. The idea it could be Lucas’s nearly forced her to end her life the moment she discovered it, but she would wait until no one was around. She could make it that far even though her body cried for her to stop.

Josephine trudged forward, stopping now and then simply to catch her breath. She’d gone
maybe a quarter of a mile when she finally couldn’t force her body to take another step. She fell to her knees, the will to stand gone. This place would have to do. She pulled a knife from her boot. She’d hidden it there earlier for this purpose.

Tears seeped from her eyes as she stared at it. Everything was lost to her. Everything…

“Josephine?” a voice said. She looked up to find Garret staring at her with worry. “What are you doing? Put the dagger down.” He took a step toward her.

“Stay back, Garret,” she warned as she lifted the knife to her chest, the tip of it touching her skin.

He froze. “Don’t do this.”

“
But I’m pregnant,” she whispered.

“And that upsets you?” he asked cautiously.
He stared at the knife, looking as if he wanted to snatch it from her grasp but afraid to move toward her.

She looked at him, the
pain of everything hitting her like a raging storm. And finally, she confessed the truth. She told him everything. She told him why she had left Connor and what had happened with Lucas. The guilt she felt was terrible. It engulfed her soul, drowning her in despair. She saw Connor’s face, the pain he suffered because of her. And she felt her own broken heart crying for her lost love.

“So you will end your life because that bastard got you drunk and took you to his bed,”
Garret stated.

Tears spilled helplessly down her face as she nodded. Yes, that was exactly what she was going to do.
She didn’t want to live anymore. It hurt too badly.

He shook his head.
“No,” he said angrily. “You must live! Live for the child if not for yourself. Connor still loves you, you know. He told me so. After I brought you here to Uncle’s camp, I went back to the house. He was there looking for you. I wouldn’t tell him where you were because I knew not what had happened. But now…I can bring him to you.”

“No!
I don’t want that! He can’t know…I… What if the child is Lucas’s?”

“If
Connor truly loves you, it will not matter. He would care for the child as if it were his own. That’s what I would do,” Garret told her.

Josephine had stared in horror at what her brother was suggesting. “I could not allow him to do that! And I refuse to bring a child of Lucas’s into this world! My life is forfeit.” She held the knife to her heart, ready to plunge it in and end her agony.

“No, Josephine!” Garret said, stepping toward her in fear. He held his hand out for the
knife. “You don’t want to do that! Give me the dagger, please,” he begged.

More t
ears formed. “I don’t want to live anymore. What is there left for me?”

“Your life, the child’s life…that’s what’s left
!” he exclaimed. “There are people who still love you! I love you; Uncle William and Aunt Kara love you! Connor still loves you!” he emphasized. “Will you truly put us through the pain of losing you? Please, give me the dagger.”

“I…the child…if it’s Lucas’s…,” she trailed off, gripping the
knife tightly and pushing the tip into her skin.

Garret cried out, “Stop! What if the child is Connor’s? Think of what you would be destroying. You must live! Please,” he begged, reaching for her, eyeing the
knife desperately.

Josephine inhaled sharply with those words. How had Garret known to say them? She would give anything for Connor’s baby
, even the possibility of it. She stared at the knife, pulling it away from her skin. Then she looked at Garret. “You cannot tell him. You must promise me, Garret. You won’t tell him where I am or about the baby.”

“
Josephine, be reasonable. How can I make such a promise when I know it’s not for the best?”

She placed the tip of the knife against her skin again. It wasn’t fair to him what she was doing, especially when she knew she would not take her life now. But it was the only way. “Promise me, Garret.”

“Yes! I promise!” he cried out. “Please, Josephine, please give me the dagger. I won’t tell him. I will keep your secret,” he finished with dismay.

She nodded
before letting the knife fall from her hands. She was still so weak, barely able move, but she had something to live for, and live she would.

It took time, but she grew well again, determined to be healthy for her child. The moment she felt him move within brought her such joy. She cared not anymore whose child he was. He was hers, and
that
was what mattered. And now six months later, healthy in both body and mind, she was prepared to tell Connor she was with child.

She had come to London with Garret. She left him by the docks, so she could do what she had come to do. She would be strong.

It was a long walk to the Hoffman’s London home, but she made it without complaint. It gave her time to contemplate what she would say to Connor. She would tell him she was sorry, sorry for what had happened, sorry for being foolish enough to drink and be alone with a man like Lucas. She would tell him how much she regretted it and wished she could take it back. Then she would tell him she was with child, and she would make certain he knew she expected nothing from him. She simply wanted him to know. Yes, those were the things she would say.

The manor was large, and the sight of it made Josephine’s stomach churn. Memories of her last visit here haunted her, but she could not back down now. She needed to see Connor, and this was the only place she knew of where to look. She approached the door and stared at it, her palms sweating nervously. She raised her fist to knock when the door opened, and she came face to face with Lucas.

He stared at her in surprise. “Sophia?” he asked. “I almost did not recognize you.” He eyed her curiously, eyes lingering on her engorged breasts then the stomach bellow.

“I no longer wish to be called that, Lucas. My name is Josephine, and that is—”

“Why are you here?” he asked impatiently, cutting her off.

She flushed red and looked away. He would not care about her name. This was Lucas, not Connor. “Isn’t it obvious?” she asked dryly. “I am with child. I must find Connor and—”

“You are not blaming that on him.”

“I was not going to. He has a right to know, though, in case the child is his,” she argued.

“It’s not his and it’s not mine, so go find the real father,” Lucas said darkly.

She sighed. “One of you is the father.” She
felt her cheeks flush red with the words that followed. “You are the only men I have been with.”

Lucas’s eyebrows rose in surprise
and the muscles in his jaw flexed visibly. Almost as quickly as she witnessed these reactions, they were gone, and his face was a composed mask. Casually, he said, “How am I to believe such a thing? You seemed content to slip into my bed easily enough when you were upset with Connor. Perhaps it is a habit of yours?”

Pain and gu
ilt surged through her body. She hadn’t meant to
slip
into his bed. She was a virtuous woman…or at least she had been once. “Please, I need to tell him. Then I will be on my way. I do not expect anything from either of you.”

He gave her a scornful snort. “Isn’t that what they always say? You realize simply telling him will guilt him into taking responsibility. Can you live with your conscious by ruining his life in such a way? He will be cast out, shunned for bedding you. But he will do the honorable thing and take care of you and the baby. That’s what you want, though, isn’t it? His money? That’s what you’ve been after this entire time. The child probably isn’t even his. It’s your next ploy to getting his money,” Lucas accused.

“How dare you accuse me of such things! You know nothing about me!” she cried out.

“Don’t I? I know why you’re really here. It’s not simply to tell him of the child, but to tell him you still love him. You’ll beg him to take you back. Well, you may want to wait on that. You see, he’s moved on. He’s practically engaged to be married. So there’s no need for you to confess your love because it’s too late. He doesn’t love you, and he never did.”

Her heart stopped. Connor moved on, or was Lucas lying? She wanted to believe the latter, but she’d been hurt too badly. “Please, just tell me where he is,” she whispered.

Lucas sighed. Then suddenly he smiled, a smile filled with malevolence. “I won’t have to. Here he comes now.” He pointed behind her.

Josephine turned and felt her heart break even more. Connor was laughing pleasantly with a beautiful young woman. She was hanging on his arm and smiling up at him.
No! Lucas couldn’t be right!
But here was proof. Connor seemed to have very much moved on. Josephine turned and fled. Bitterness and sorrow seared her sole.

*

Connor looked up just in time to see a woman flee from Lucas’s side. Her hair was what drew his attention, the darkness of it. His heart skipped a beat as he thought of Sophia. Was it possible she’d come back?

“Excuse me, Mary,” he said before dashing away from Martin Hayward’s soon-to-be bride. Connor sprinted toward the fleeing woman, trying his hardest to get a good look at her.
Please be her,
his mind cried.

The dark-haired woman disappeared around a corner as Connor reached Lucas’s side. Lucas reached out and grabbed Connor before he could pursue the woman further.

“What is your hurry, Connor?” Lucas asked in puzzlement. “You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

“Who was that woman?” he asked Lucas. She looked like Sophia, but her form was slightly larger. Was it possible she was just another woman with ebony hair? The pain he’d been trying to suppress for the past half a year came soaring back.
Ah, Sophia. Come back to me,
he thought.

“I’ve never met her before. She wanted to know if I’d seen her son. I saw a boy dash off in that direction, so that is what I told her,” Lucas said.

Connor clenched his jaw tightly in disappointment. “Oh.” The hope he’d held onto for so long, finally deteriorated. He had to stop looking for her. She was gone, and she wasn’t coming back.

“Mr. Tananguard, are you well?” a woman’s voice asked.

Connor forced a smile. “Yes. Yes, of course. Mary, you remember Lucas Hoffman, don’t you?”

“Yes, we met at the engagement party. It’s nice to see you again, Mr. Hoffman. Martin has told me much about you,” she answered.

Lucas nodded. “And how is your fiancé?” he asked.

“He is well. I had the opportunity to join him for lunch this afternoon at the Markham estates. Martin had other business to attend to, so Mr. Tananguard offered to walk me home,” she replied.

“He couldn’t have picked a better day,” Lucas said with a smile.

Connor eyed him curiously. What did he mean by that?

“Yes, it’s quite lovely out. Shall we continue, Mr. Tananguard?” she asked.

Connor wasn’t certain he wanted to. Lucas was hiding something from him, and he wanted to find out what it was. However, Sarah and Martin would skin him alive if he did not see Mary home safely. “Yes, of course.” He offered her his arm, and the two continued on their way.

*

Josephine found her brother by the docks where he said he would be when she was done with her business. She suspected he knew why she’d come, but he didn’t question her about it. He allowed her this secret.

Garret was laughing at something the man next to him said. Josephine forced a smile. Her brother was such a boy, but he was a man beyond his years too. She needed to be happy for him. She had to find peace for her baby. She would put what love she had left into the family she still had. Connor was happy. He deserved happiness after what she had done to him. Again her heart pained and tears entered her eyes. No, she couldn’t cry. Garret would know something was wrong. She didn’t want him to worry anymore. She would heal. Eventually, she
would
heal.

Thomas sighed. It was his turn to find a quiet corner of the camp and simply be alone. He was sheltered in a small gathering of trees, leaning up against one while sitting on the ground. He could see most of the camp from here and not be seen himself.

He’d received another letter today, this one from Robert. It
actually asked him to come home, to show his healthy self at the gathering in two weeks. He knew he needed to go, but what of Maggie? His eyes searched the camp for her.

“She’s washing clothes,” a voice said.

Thomas glanced slowly up to find Garret Meredith leaning up against a tree. He moved over to Thomas and sat on the ground across from him. Garret knew. He knew there was more to Thomas’s relationship with Maggie than anyone realized, especially Maggie.

“What does it say?” Garret asked, motioning toward the letter.

Thomas sighed and handed it to him. “Read it yourself.”

Garret opened the letter and read. He whistled lowly. “How does it feel to be important?”

“It couldn’t come at a worse time,” Thomas admitted.

Garret nodded. “What are you going to do?”

“I have to go,” he said.

“You can’t leave her here, Thomas. You know it will crush her,” Garret told him plainly.

“How do you know that? She’s blossomed over the past few weeks. And now she has Mrs. Murphy here with her. That woman wouldn’t part with Maggie for the life of her. How can I ask her to leave when she’s finally found a place? She’s happy, Garret,” he explained.

“You’re more of a fool than I am if you don’t realize you’re the reason behind it.”

“She’s developed friends, Garret. I don’t think she’s truly had any in her life until now.”

“Why are you arguing? Do you love her or not?” Garret asked irritably.

Thomas sighed. It had only been five weeks since he’d met her. “Aye, I do. I love her, but she still needs more time to love me in return.”

“Well, my friend, time is something you do not have.” He stood and offered Thomas a hand. “Come. William needs us.”

*

Maggie laughed with Kara as they walked back to camp
each carrying a basket of wet laundry. Mrs. Murphy sighed in pleasure.

“It does me good to hear that sound again, girl,” she said pleasantly. “You were long without it.”

It was true. She hadn’t laughed in ages it seemed. Lucas used to make her laugh, but that was before… No, she refused to think on it. She was happy here with these people. Thomas had been right. They just needed time to get to know her, and apparently an old woman who gossiped.

Maggie’s life was no longer private. Everyone knew her story now, and it was difficult not to blush when someone would look at her with sympathy. Mrs. Murphy had told a select
few
a great deal, and it had spread from there. Thomas was the only one who truly saw her. Even Kara carried a haunted look now and then when she looked at Maggie. Instead of thinking the worst of her, the people of the camp now felt sorry for her—the innocent lamb unable to escape the clutches of the lion—but she had developed friends because of it. Thomas was her closest one.

She didn’t understand it
—why she felt so comfortable with him or why she only felt peace when he was near. But she accepted it, and she spent much of her time with him. He was the reason she could laugh again, the reason she finally felt hope for herself and her baby. She had a place to call home and people who cared, and Thomas was the reason for it all. Maggie looked for him as they walked.

There were ropes tied to trees near the center of camp where they hung the clothes to dry. William’s hut was nearby. Maggie thought she heard voices in the hut—Thomas’s voice to be more specific. She kept her eye on the hut as she hung the wet clothes. Soon three men exited: William, Garret…and Thomas. She tried to hide her smile when she saw him, but it still crept upon her face. She glanced
at Kara and flushed.

Kara was watching her, and she was smiling at Maggie.
“You’re quite fond of him, aren’t you?”

Maggie looked away, eyes unwillingly searching him out again. “Yes. He’s been very kind to me. He always has been. He’s teaching me to read, you know,” she said with a smile.

“Yes, I did know. And you’re doing quite well I understand.”

Maggie laughed lightly. “No, I’m terrible. And it’s such a slow process, but he’s patient.”

“Indeed. And he’s handsome,” Kara added with a smile.

“Kara!” Maggie laughed in embarrassment.

“Tell me you don’t think it. He is like my William, rugged and strong and charming.”

“Yes, he is
. But I can’t think such things…not in my condition. He is my friend, my very dear friend. Nothing more.”

Kara smiled at her as she hung a shirt. “That is a fine notion, Maggie.”

“It is what it is.”

“Precisely,” Kara agreed with a knowing
look.

Maggie shook her head with a sigh, turning from
Kara to find Thomas again. Clothes were going up around her quickly, and he was blocked from her view. She moved enough so she could see him. He was walking with William and Garret toward the laundry lines. The three were in deep conversation, not taking notice of the women hanging the clothes. Soon Maggie could hear them. She lifted a shirt in front of her and draped it over the line.

Thomas was speaking. She couldn’t quite hear what he was saying. She needed them to move just a bit closer
…

“So when do you plan to leave?”
William asked.

Maggie’s smile slipped and pain filled her. Thomas’s letter from Muriel rang in her mind. He was returning home.

“Maggie, are you alright?” Kara asked.

“He’s leaving,” she barely managed.
“Thomas is leaving.”

Maggie stepped around the shirt numbly, moving through the dangling garments so she could see him clearly. He was facing William with his side to
her. He didn’t notice her. She watched in agony as he answer William’s question.

“I need to leave by the end of the week if I’m to make it there before the other clans arrive.”

She stared at him in pained silence. He was so calm with his answer as if he was speaking of the weather. But why wouldn’t he be calm? Why would he feel anguish for leaving her, feel anguish as she felt knowing she was losing him?

Garret was the one who noticed her. His eyes widened and he jabbed his elbow into Thomas’s arm. Thomas looked at him, and Garret motion toward her with his head.

Thomas turned, and their eyes met. “Maggie?” he asked.

“You’re leaving?” she whispered. She didn’t think he heard her, but his face dropped.

“I…was going to tell you,” he said slowly. He looked at her helplessly.

She nodded. “Oh.” A lump entered her throat. She felt a familiar pain in her soul as her heart broke for the second time. How was that possible? It could only break if she loved him. She couldn’t love him, not yet. It was too soon. Yet even as she thought this, she knew she did. She did not love him in the way she loved Lucas, but she felt that could come given enough time. But how could she expect him to love her given her circumstances? She was not worthy of a man like Thomas.

She nodded again. “I will miss you,” she managed. She tried to smile, but it only brought tears to her eyes. He didn’t need to see her fall apart. She needed to be strong for him. He was her friend, nothing more. He didn’t owe her anything. He had given her so much already. She couldn’t expect more. She looked away, and then she walked away.

“Maggie,” Kara whispered as
Maggie walked past her.

Kara
reached toward her, but Maggie shook her head. She wanted to be alone. She needed to be alone.

Maggie
moved through the clothes with speed, doing her best not to sob out loud. He didn’t need to hear it, nobody did.

“Maggie!” she heard him call.

She gathered her skirts and ran. Her stomach felt strange as she did. The baby had grown noticeably over the past few weeks. She could feel it now, just barely as it fluttered within. She was past the sickness, but Kara said she wasn’t quite half-way through the pregnancy. Oh! How would she survive without Thomas to help her?

The sobs racked her body. She couldn’t run anymore. She stood helplessly in
place and just wept.

Strong arms circled about her form as Thomas pulled her to him. She hadn’t been fast enough.

“Oh Maggie, my sweet Maggie. Don’t cry,” he cooed.

“But you’re leaving,” she wept. “You’re leaving me.”

“No, no. Shhh.” He held her while she cried, held her against him. “Come with me, Maggie,” he whispered.

“What?” she asked. Did he really ask her to…no,
no. She couldn’t hope for such a thing.

He pulled away to look at her. Then he cupped her face in his hands. “Come with me,” he said again. His eyes searched hers almost pleadingly.

“Thomas?” she asked uncertainly.

“Come with me. We will claim the child is mine. You can start fresh. No one will be the wiser,” he said.

Her poor heart could take no more. Was this the life she’d truly chosen, the life of a mistress? She looked at him in pain. “Instead of being known as Lucas’s whore, I shall be known as yours?”

He looked at her in horror that turned to anger. “No,” he growled. “I want you as my wife!” His face softened. “Come with me as my wife, Maggie. Marry me. Let me take care of you,” he pleaded.

She gasped. “But I’m with child, with another man’s child. You deserve better. You don’t want me.”

“But I do. I love you,” he told her, eyes memorizing her face. “I love you.”

He loved her? He truly loved her? “And my child?” she asked quietly.

“I will claim him. I’ll raise him as my own, and I’ll love him as my own because he’ll be yours. No one needs to know otherwise.”

She wanted to say
yes
. Every ounce of her wanted to tell him
yes.
She did love him—her protector, her guardian, her friend—but it was so different than how she felt toward Lucas. She was afraid. She wasn’t ready to give herself to another man…not yet. “I…I don’t know if I’m ready for…,” she swallowed, looking away from him in embarrassment. She couldn’t tell him she would marry him unless he knew. “I don’t know if I’m ready for a man’s touch,” she whispered.

He laughed, and it startled her. She looked at him in surprise. It hurt that he would laugh at such a thing.

He smiled tenderly, smoothing her hair from her face. “I didn’t expect you would be. Marry me now, and I’ll wait for the rest. I will share your chamber…no, your bed, but not as your lover. Just as a man who loves you and desires to be next to you. I’ll not truly make you my wife until you are ready.”

Tears trickled down her cheeks. “Oh Thomas, you’re giving up so much though.”

“If I can have you, even a small piece of you and your heart, it will be worth it.”

She knew he was a good man, but he was giving her everything, sacrificing everything for her. “Are you certain, Thomas?”

“I’ve never been more certain about anything in my life, Maggie.”

She nodded. “Yes then. I will marry you. I will go with you,” and in her mind she added,
I need you, Thomas.

He smiled down at her warmly. Then he dipped and brushed her lips with his in a most delicate kiss that she returned. He didn’t demand more or try to make it more than it was, and for that she was grateful.

He looked at her tenderly. “I will make you happy, Maggie. And someday, you’ll love me as I do you. And when you do, when you say those beautiful words to me, I’ll know you’re ready for me in all ways.” Then he pulled her against him and held her tight.

It felt so right to be there in his arms. Her heart sighed in relief, piecing itself back together as if it knew he spoke the truth.