Tatted Cowboy (17 page)

“I’m fine,” I choke out.

“I know you’re not, but I promise, everything will be okay.  Jer is going to take Oscar home, if you want me to stay, I will,” she says, her features full of sincerity.

“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll be okay.  I’m sure Gran will stay for a while. Go home and be with your boys.” 

“Are you sure?”

I nod, even though I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything right now.

“Ring me if you need anything. I mean,
anything
- at any time. Ring me.”

“I will,” I nod.  “Thanks for coming. I’m sorry it ended this way.”

“Don’t be, babe.  This isn’t your fault.  We’ll talk more about it later, but this definitely isn’t your fault.”

“Thank you.”

“Love you.”

“I love you, too.  Can you let Edie and Jules know I’ll call them later. I just, I better get over there,” I say, throwing my hand the way of Gran and Frank.

“Absolutely, babe.  They all understand.  I wouldn’t betray your trust, but I did fill them in some inside. I hope that’s okay. They were just scared for you when Frank showed up, so I explained.”

“That’s okay.” I pull her into another hug.  “Thank you.” My tears pour out now, my chest constricting.  “Thank you for everything, Ava.”

“Anytime. 
Any time!”
she stresses.

“Anytime,” I repeat on a whisper.

She walks back inside to the others and I go over to Gran and Frank.

LUKE

Fuck. 
Fuck!
  She was married?  And she had a kid?  What the fucking fuck?!

My mind is spinning.  I had to get out of there.  I just had to be by myself for a minute to collect my thoughts.  I’m fucking blindsided.

Why didn’t she tell me?

Fuck.

My chest constricts and my palm comes up to rub it. 

Why would she keep something so important from me?

Just as soon as I finish that thought, the penny drops.  I knew she was keeping something from me, but I had no idea it was this big. This serious. This
heartbreaking.

“There’s shit you don’t know… Go easy on her.”
Dory’s words play through my mind.

Fuck!  I scrub my hands over my face in frustration.

“Patience is a virtue.”

“You’d be good for her.”

Shit.

“Fuck,” I roar to no one, my every frustration expelling in the word.

“Yellin’ never helped anyone.”

Zeke.

“Fuck off,” I mutter.

“Don’t be an arsehole,” he fires back, sitting down beside me.

“That’s rich, coming from you: The King of arseholes,” I snap sarcastically.

“What the fuck are you doing?” he asks after a moment of silence.

“I don’t know,” I admit.

“You love her?”

“What?” I nearly snap my head off my shoulders as I turn to glare at him.

“You love her.” He nods, grinning.

“Christ.”

“You told her?”

I glare at him harder, but stay silent.

“You haven’t told her.” This time he shakes his head slowly a couple of times, still grinning.  He’s starting to piss me the fuck off.  I fist my hands, itching to punch him in the face. Just once.  One good shot.  It will make me feel better.

“You wanna hit me, bro?” he teases.

“Fuck yeah, I do,” I reply instantly.

“Have at it.”  He throws his arms wide, opening himself up to me.

He thinks I won’t.

But, I’ve never been this fucking wild before in my life, never had so much conflicting emotion raging through my veins.

Instead of hitting him, I slam my fist into the wall, putting a hole straight through the Gyprock.  I punch it twice more, leaving three gaping holes.  Slumping back down, I inspect the damage to my knuckles as adrenalin streams through my system.

“Feel better?” I can hear the smirk in his voice.

Prick.

“Man up, brother.”  He slaps me on the back, stands and walks away.

We’ve been together four months and she never breathed a word of any of it.

Why?

Why? Goddammit!

Realising Laura is the only one who can give me the answers to my questions, I head back to her place, determined to convince her I’m strong enough to help her carry her baggage.

LAURA

“You’re living the life, Laura,” he accuses.  “Got yourself a nice house, a business, friends.  I’m sure one of those guys is yours, so you got yourself a man.  You’ve got it all.  How can you be happy when Gus is dead?”

“Frank,” my voice sounds croaky and hoarse, but I push through.  “It’s not about that for me.  It took me a long time –
a fucking long time
,” I stress, “to realize that I’m
allowed
to be happy.  That it’s
okay
for me to be happy.  That Gus would
want
me to be happy.  Both of us, Frank.  He’d want us both to be happy.”  Tears stream down my face as I push through, sobbing my words.

“I’m living for the day I die,” I tell him honestly.  “I’m living for that day when I walk through the gates of Heaven and see my baby boy again.  I can’t fucking wait for that day. I can’t wait to hold him in my arms again, to kiss his sweet face and to tell him I love him.  When that day comes, I want to sit down with him and tell him about how beautiful life is, about everything it has to offer, and I’ll know what I’m speaking is the truth because I
lived
it.  I don’t want to have nothing to tell him, Frank, because then I’ll feel like I’ve failed him –
again.
  I’m trying to live for both of us – for
him
and me.” 

I swipe my tears away and continue.  “Until the day I die, I’ll grieve for him.  I’ll mourn his loss.  But, every day I try to focus on the good memories.  We had two and half years with him, Frank.  Some parents don’t get that much time with their babies.  If he were here right now, don’t you think he’d be devastated that you’re so sad?  He wouldn’t want his Mummy and Daddy to be sad, Frank.  You know he wouldn’t,” I plead with him to understand.

We both sit there at the table in my backyard, bawling our eyes out.  Gran’s dabbing her eyes as well, but she remains silent, having said her piece.

The only sounds are Gran’s sniffling and the tears of sorrow pouring from both Frank and I.  Through it all, I can’t help wishing Luke were sitting by my side, holding my hand and supporting me; helping me carry the weight of my load.

But he’s not here.

He left.

I sob again, wishing I had told him earlier.  Maybe he would have understood.  Maybe he wouldn’t have looked at me with disgust.

Maybe…

“I’m sorry,” Frank chokes out after an eternity of silence has passed.

“Frank,” I shake my head.

“No, Laura.  I’m sorry.  God, I’m so sorry,” he sobs.  He looks so broken my heart feels like it is cracking in my chest.  “You’re right.  He wouldn’t want us to be sad.  I don’t want to fail my son.”

“You’re not failing him, Frank,” Gran tells him.  “You’re just trapped in your grief.  It’s time to let it go, son.  Don’t mistake me, I don’t mean let
Gus
go.  But, let the
grief
go.  Let it go and live in the good times.  Life is too short, Frank.  That’s something we know all too well.”

“You’re right, Marj.  My parents have been trying to tell me the same thing for months.
Years
maybe. I just haven’t been willing to hear it.” he sighs.  “I really fucked up.”

“No, no you haven’t,” I stress.  “Have you thought about therapy?  I know it helped me.”

“Yeah, maybe I should give it a try,” he agrees sadly.

We sit and talk for a while longer. We cry some more, but we also smile, sharing special memories of our son.  Like the time Gus peed all over Frank for the first time.  It got all over his shirt and his face.  And the time Gus first said “mum-mum” and “dada”.  His first Christmas, his first birthday, his first Easter.  His first taste of chocolate.  The first time he ate vegetables and spat them out and they landed all over my face.

The good memories are plentiful and they flow between us, lightening our grief some.

By the time it’s time to say goodbye to Frank, there is no longer hatred and disgust pouring from him directed at me.  Instead, a calming peace floats between us.  Tonight, we both did some much needed healing.

“I’m just going to drive Frank to The Cow and Calf, okay, Gran?”

“Sure, love.  Are you okay?”  She cups my cheek.

“Yeah,” I answer honestly.  “I really am.”

“Good, love.  I know it hurts, but I think was long overdue.”

“Yeah, it was,” I agree wholeheartedly.

“Good.” She nods firmly.  “Go take him to the pub.  Get him set up with a room.”

“I’ll see you when I get back.  Do you want to stay the night? It’s getting late.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I think I’ll head home after you get back.  Unless you want me to stay?”

“I’ll be fine, Gran.”  For the first time in a long time, I really believe those words.

“Okay, love.”

I drive the short distance to The Cow and Calf and after I’ve procured a cabin for Frank for the night from Dory, I walk him to his door.

“Keep in touch, okay,” I implore, as I pull him in for a long hug before I leave.

“I will.  I’m so sorry, again, Laura.”

“Don’t, Frank.  No more apologizing. It’s time for us to move forward.  Part of me will always love you – after all, you gave me Gus,” I smile fondly.  “I’ll always love you, Frank.  Make sure you get some help.  You deserve happiness.”

“I’m happy for you … just so you know.  I’m happy you’re happy.”

“Someday soon, Frank, I hope you’ll be happy for
you
.”  I touch my lips to his cheek and walk back to my car. 

On the drive home, my heart becomes heavy again as my thoughts turn to Luke.  After I drop Gran home, I’m going to try and make this right.

I have to try.

I have to.

LAURA

As I walk up the steps to my home, I pull my hair from the knot on top of my head and run my fingers through it to tame it some and try to ease the pounding in my temples.  Then, I rub my eyes.  God, they feel swollen. I bet I look like a train wreck. 

“Gran?” I call as I walk through the door.

“In the kitchen, love,” she calls back as I round the corner.  “Just tidying up for you.”

“You didn’t have to do that.”

“Nonsense.  How did it go? Frank okay?”

I nod.  “I think so.” 
I hope so
.

“Boy is in a world of hurt,” she murmurs.  “Hope he gets the help he needs.”

“Me, too,” I agree.  “Are you ready? Or, have you changed your mind and you want to stay the night?”

“I’m ready.  I put the leftovers in the fridge for you.  There’s a lot, so you might want to put some in the freezer tomorrow so they don’t go off. “

“I will. Thanks, Gran.”

“Where did Luke go?” she asks on the drive to her house.

My heart jumps.  “I’m not sure, Gran,” I say softly.  “He left.”

“I take it you hadn’t shared?”

I shake my head.  “It’s just so hard, Gran.   To try and find the right words to explain to someone I’m scared to take another step on the road of my new normal, a step that could end up leading me down the path of creating a family again – possibly with Luke.  Obviously, that’s a long way off, but it has been playing on my mind.  Of course, I would like to have more children, but I’m petrified.  So fucking scared.  And, to find the words to articulate that, to tell him how scared I am,
why
I’m scared … my mind is just a mess,” I trail off, not really knowing why I just shared what I did.  It just goes to show how much of a fuck up I am at the moment.

“It’ll all work out,” she says confidently, squeezing my thigh.

“I hope so,” I whisper.

I help her inside and then drive off to find Luke.  There’re only two places that I think he could be – Premier Ink or his unit.

Since his unit is closest, I pull up there first.  The block of units is only small, comprising three ground level apartments in a row, with street parking out front and tenant parking at the rear.  I stop my car curb side and pick his out immediately.  It has to be the end one.  The other two have well-manicured lawns and children’s toys out the front.  I walk up to the front door and have a quick look around.  All the lights are off and it doesn’t look like anyone is home, still I knock.

As I expected, no one answers and after five minutes, I give up and go back to my car.

Five minutes later, I pull up out the front of Premier Ink.  Checking my watch as I walk to the door, I sigh when I realize it’s almost midnight.  I’m fucking exhausted.  Part of me just wants to turn around, get back in my car and go home to bed … deal with this tomorrow.  But, the bigger part of me keeps putting one foot in front of the other until I’m standing directly in front of the glass door of Premier Ink.  The street light overhead illuminates the quiet street, the only sound is the flapping of insects as they fly around the lights.

Cupping my hands against the glass, I peek inside.  It’s completely dark and I can’t see a thing.  I decide to walk around the back of the building to see if there is a rear door, or if there are lights on anywhere.  If he’s not here, I have no idea where he could be.  The pub will have shut by now, so he wouldn’t be there, unless he did go there and Dory gave him a room for the night … but she didn’t mention him at all when I checked Frank in, so he must not have gone there.

Stepping around some shrubs, I find my way in the dark to the rear of the shop.

I knock on the door a few times and then press my ear up against it, trying to hear something …
anything.
 

Silence.

My heart sinks.

He’s not here.

Defeated, I drive back home, passing The Cow and Calf on the way to see if his ute is out front.

It’s not.

By the time I arrive home, it is almost one am and I am both mentally and emotionally exhausted.

I pull my car into my drive and slowly climb my steps.  I walk inside, close the door behind me and plod into my room.  I quickly change into my pajamas, not even bothering with a shower – I will wait until morning for that. Right now, I just want to sleep.

After taking some headache pills, I turn off all my lights and walk back down the hall to my bedroom.  Just as I’m about to climb into bed, I hear a faint
tap, tap,
on my front door.

I pause, not sure if I really heard anything or not.  Then, it comes again, this time a little louder. 
Tap. Tap.
  I frown and walk towards the door.

“Who is it?” I ask through the wood.

“Me.”  The deep, raspy voice with the country twang I love so much filters through and I immediately swing the door open.

“Luke,” I gasp; shocked he is standing there.  He leans up against the doorframe and I take him in.  His hair is ruffled, like he’s been running his fingers through it.  His eyes look sad and his brow is furrowed. His lips form a tight line across his mouth.

“We need to talk.”

“Yeah.” I open the door further and move back so he can walk in.  Shutting the door, I walk down to the lounge room with him following me and we sit on the couch.  My heart thuds in my chest and I wring my hands in my lap to try and control their shaking.

“I’m really sorry about earlier,” I blurt, unable to take the silence stretching between us anymore.  I’m desperate for him to touch me, just
touch
me in some way to let me know everything is going to be okay.  But, he doesn’t.  The distance between us is like a deep chasm, and even though it is only about a foot, it feels like a mile.  “I went looking for you…”

He shakes his head.  “You’re sorry about earlier?” he asks sarcastically.

I nod.  “I’m sorry you had to witness that.  I’m sorry you had to hear what Frank said, but most of all I’m sorry I didn’t have the guts to tell you myself before you found out the way you did.”  Tears prick my eyes again and I bite my lip to hold them at bay.

“Fucking hell, Laura. 
Why
didn’t you tell me?  I’ve been going over and over this in my mind tonight and I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why you would keep such a massive part of your life from me.”

“I’m so—”

“Stop with the fucking apologies, Laura,” he snaps, cutting me off.  “You know, I thought things were going well between us, I thought we were moving towards something bigger,” he says, bewilderment in his tone.  “Then, I find out you’ve kept something this big from me, and I’m sitting here wondering what this was to you.”

“I’m—” I start to apologise again and snap my mouth shut at the glare he gives me.  Taking a deep breath, I decide to do what I should have done months ago. I decide to be upfront … to lay it all out.  To expose myself in the biggest sense of the word.

My stomach churns with nerves.

“Frank and I hadn’t been together that long when I found out I was pregnant.  But, we decided to get married and make a go of things.  It was good, for a while.  It worked between us.  We were comfortable, I guess.” I shrug.  The way I feel for Luke is so different to the way I felt about Frank.  Luke is fireworks and
forever
.  Frank was always more like a really good friend.  I loved him, but I was never
in
love with him.  It wasn’t until I gave in to my feelings with Luke that I understood the difference.

Luke sits quietly while I continue, “I have a son.” I try desperately to swallow the enormous lump constricting my throat.  “His name is Gus and he drowned.  He was two and a half and he was at home with me when it happened.  Frank was at work.  I tried,” I pause to swallow my emotions.  “I tried so hard to bring him back,” I whisper.  “Nothing worked.  He wouldn’t come back.”  My tears spill out and I cry silently as I continue.

“Frank blames me because I was at home with him.  I blamed me for a long time, too.” I stop again to wipe away the wetness on my cheeks.  “After our marriage fell apart, I moved in with my parents for a while and then I decided to move here.  I wasn’t looking for anything, except to escape the looks of pity I got every day in Mount Isa.  Then, I met you.”  I smile a little.

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to see the same disgust in your eyes that Frank looked at me with,” I admit softly.

“Fuck,” he whispers.  “Baby, I’m so sorry about your boy.  God, so sorry.  But, you’ve got to know I would never look at you that way.  My shoulders are broad, sweetheart, and I’ve got strong muscles.  I can help you carry this load.  You don’t need to do this by yourself.”

“I know that now.  I get it.  It just took me until tonight to realise it.  You have to know, I wasn’t
hiding
this from you. It wasn’t that I never wanted you to find out. It was just about me revelling in you seeing just me.  Not the woman who lost a child.” 

“I get that, sweetheart, but what you need to get is that I only ever see
you
.  I knew you were hiding something, but if I had had any idea it was this big, baby, you gotta know I would have pushed you to tell me.  No one needs to go through that alone.”

Finally, he reaches across and pulls me into his arms, holding me tight against him.

“Don’t ever keep shit from me again, Laura.”

“I won’t,” I promise.

“I want to talk about something else, as well, but first, I want to say something.”

“Okay?”  I look into his eyes, wondering what he has to say.

“Thank you for telling me that, baby.”  He kisses me sweetly and then pulls back all too quickly.

“I wish I had told you earlier,” I say, my tone regretful.

“No use looking in the past, babe. What’s done is done. We can only look forward.  Which brings me to what I want to talk to you about.  I want to make sure we’re on the same page here.”

“Oh.  Um.” I swallow hard.  “What, uh, what page are you on?”

“I’m on the page where I’m pretty fucking serious about us.  The same page that means I’m waiting for you to ask me to move in so I can stop contorting my body into a pretzel to sleep on a couch and I can stop paying dead money on my unit and instead, sink my money into a home that’s
ours.
I’m on the page where, things keep going the way they’re going, I’ll soon be turning the page and looking at making you my wife, and when you’re ready, putting my baby inside you.”

My breath catches in my throat. “Luke,” I whisper.  My chest aches and I feel anxious.

“Don’t stress, sweetheart.  I don’t mean right away.  But, I gotta be honest, Laura.  I want babies with you.  Lots of them.”  He kisses my cheek, right below my eye, causing them both to flutter shut.  Then, he places a soft kiss on top of each of my closed eyelids.  “Don’t panic, baby,” he hushes me.  He peppers little kisses over my face until I calm down.  His lips meet mine and our tongues intertwine as we slowly reconnect. 

“Better get to bed, hey?” He gives me a squeeze and kisses along my neck.  “It’s getting late, or early.” He chuckles.

I look over to my wall clock and see it’s almost three-thirty in the morning.

“Oh god,” I groan.  “We both have to be at work in a couple of hours.”

“Why don’t you close the shop tomorrow, sweetheart,” he says gently.  “Give yourself a day to yourself.”

“I might have to.  No amount of makeup is going to reduce the puffiness in my eyes. I’m going to scare my clients away,” I say through a humourless laugh.

“Hop up, baby, and go get into bed. I’ll get a cool face washer.  It might help those eyes a little.”

“Thanks, babe.”  I climb off his lap and walk down to my bedroom and get into bed. 

His words from earlier fight to be replayed in my mind over and over, but exhaustion wins and as soon as my head hits the pillow my eyes close and I start to drift off.  I vaguely hear him come into the room, and then he gently lays the cool washer over my puffy eyes and slides into bed beside me, pulling me close and wrapping his arms around me.

“I love you, Laura,” I think I hear him murmur.  I can’t be sure, though, and I drift off into a fitful slumber.