Tattoos: A Novel (20 page)

15. Marilee

When Jax walked into the room there was a swagger in his step. With the way he was dressed I understood why. Clad all in black, from his ebony t-shirt to his jet combat boots, he was quite a step away from his standard faded jeans and graphic t’s. The only part of his ensemble that was familiar was his black leather jacket. Even his hair was different, a little spikier than normal. Gold studs dotted his earlobes and he was even wearing a thin gold hoop in his nose. I was literally stunned by his transformation.
 

Jax wasn’t a shrinking wallflower, but he sure didn’t look like this on a regular basis either. With him looking this good, I was glad that he didn’t dress like this always, since every girl in a ten mile radius would have been drooling over him.

 
“Come on,” he said before I could say anything.
 

My mouth went dry and I was all a flutter. My over the top reaction seemed weird because I saw Jax everyday. But what I hadn’t realized until right then was that Jax was two people, the toned down guy I’d grown to love and this god, who could easily have graced a Rolling Stone magazine cover.
 

Though I didn’t want to, I couldn’t help but feel ugly and insignificant when he was standing there larger than life. For the umpteenth time I wondered why he was even with me.
 

“Where?” I asked. I glanced at the wall clock that read 9:00 p.m.

“It’s a surprise,” he said with a smirk. I practically melted. They say clothes don’t make the man, but right then I begged to differ.

“I can’t go anywhere,” I said. I motioned to my outfit, black yoga pants and an emerald green scoop neck t-shirt, as if it were enough of an explanation.
 

It had been two weeks since my last chemo treatment and I was feeling somewhat better, but I wasn’t at the top of my game yet. My appetite had come back a little and even the sores in my mouth that disappeared. A fine fuzz of new hair growth, that someone would have probably needed a microscope to see, had also sprouted on my head. But despite my improvements, I was in no state to go anywhere with him.

“Change then, I can wait,” he said. He shoved his hands into his pockets and tilted his head to the side. “But if you ask me you already look perfect.”

Right on cue I felt my cheeks flush. My lips curved into a grin.

“Damn boy, you can lie,” I said, winking at him.

Jax’s face went straight. I detected a touch of irritation in his eyes. “I’m not lying. Why do you always say stuff like that? Why do you always have to minimize your beauty?”

I shrugged. “Maybe because calling me beautiful is a bit of a stretch. I’d say in the state I’m in right now I’m halfway between barely passable and fugly.”
 

I laughed for effect. I wasn’t actually amused since it was how I really felt, but Jax didn’t need to know that.

“Okay, now you’re just pissing me off,” Jax snapped. And it was so unlike him that I was taken aback.

I narrowed my eyes. “What do you have to be pissed about? You come in here looking like all that, and you expect me to feel like a Vogue model? I mean seriously anybody with two eyes can see that we’re not exactly a match at the best of times, but now...”

Jax threw his shoulders back. He looked as if he was ready to unleash a string of unpleasant words, but he didn’t. With more control than I’d expected, he quickly deflated.
 

“Please Marilee. C’mon I have a surprise for you. It means a lot to me…” He cast his eyes to the floor. He was a tower of a guy, but for a fraction of a second he looked like a small uncertain boy. My resistance snapped like a toothpick.

“Fine, but at least let me change,” I said, extricating myself from the bed. Jax moved toward me. He snared me in his arms before I could leave. His lips were hot and wet on mine and he tasted of coffee and mint, not to mention that he smelled divine, of leather and cologne. I threaded my fingers around his neck, going on my tiptoes so I could reach him. His hands gripped my hips, supporting me. I could have kissed him forever.

“I’d love to snog all night but we really have to go,” Jax said, breaking away. He gave me a little tap on the butt. I eyed him with mock disapproval. With a playful eye roll, I turned away from him. I went to my closet that was filled with more clothes than I could have worn in a lifetime. Mom was always buying me new outfits and sending them with Harold. Although since Thanksgiving she’d actually managed to drop by herself a couple of times.

 
I knew that Jax had paid Mom and Harold a visit the night he’d stormed out, but I had no idea what he’d said or done, only that even though he’d looked like he was going to kill my parents, they were still alive and kicking. Small miracles.
 

“What should I wear?” I asked.

Jax shrugged. “That I don’t know, but I can tell you it’s not candlelight and fine dining and it’s not McDonalds either…so you decide.” He gave me a cute wink. I wanted to kiss him all over again. It surprised me that I never seemed to have my fill of Jax.

Then something dawned on me. “What am I thinking? I can’t go anywhere, I don’t have a pass.” I sighed, crestfallen. Because even though I had no idea where he was taking me, it was surely away from the hospital and this room. But I needed permission to leave my prison.
 

“Handled,” he said with another cryptic grin.

“Okay then. My Mom always said don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I said, then shrugged. “Though I still have no idea what that even means.”

Jax sprawled out in the chair. He twirled his long-fingered hand in a move that said to hurry up. Taking the hint I dug through my closet for something to wear. As expected there was so much to choose from that it was hard to pick. Finally, I decided on a black mini skirt that went mid-thigh and a soft beige and camel brown flowing cap sleeved blouse, that I hoped would hide how skinny I was. Beige pumps and a three quarter length wool coat finished the look. I knew it was cold outside and the stupidest thing I could wear was a skirt, but I couldn’t resist. I’d been in scrubby clothes for too long to miss an opportunity to dress girly. I just hoped my coat would save me.

Jax lounged in the chair with his eyes clothes like he didn’t have a care in the world. Meanwhile I was a bag of nerves because even though we’d been together for more than a month, it felt like we were going on our first real date. I slipped into the bathroom and showered as fast as I could. All the while my stomach lurched every time I thought about where we were going.
 

When I got dressed I realized that the skirt was a little baggy around my hips but not enough that it was noticeable. The blouse did exactly as I’d planned, effectively hiding my lack of curves. I decided to wear a pair of sheer tights for added protection and was satisfied that my legs didn’t seem as twig-like as I’d expected. All in all I was feeling pretty good about myself until I looked at my face in the mirror.
 

For the most part the toll the cancer had taken on me could be camouflaged by clothes, but from the neck up it was a completely different thing. Seeing the purplish-blue circles under my eyes and how sallow my skin was, and that the bones in my face were too prominent, I wilted. I wanted to stay in the bathroom and never come out. Next to Jax, who would make even a super model seem ordinary, I was pathetic.

I moved to the door and peeked out. Jax was still in the chair waiting patiently. As if he knew I was watching him, he turned toward me.

“Ready yet?” he asked.
 

His face was lit with an excitement. His attitude was so unlike his typical laid back demeanor that I knew I couldn’t disappoint him. No matter how terrified I was about going out in public, I had to suck it up for him. I had to do what I could to make myself halfway presentable, and let the rest go. In my mind it all sounded so mature and introspective, but in practice it felt like the hardest thing I’d ever had to do.

“Just a couple more minutes,” I said. I closed the door quickly before he caught a glimpse of my uncertainty.

I opened my makeup bag and glanced in at the assortment of tubes, powders and hopefully cure-alls. I convinced myself that makeup could fix most of my flaws and if I wore a cute hat, it would be okay. I started applying makeup, concentrating on the job more than the results. I refused to assess my work until it was all done.
 

When I’d finished I stared at my reflection in the mirror. A virtual stranger peered back at me. It had been so long since I’d bothered to wear makeup that it was a shock to the system. My eyes that usually seemed sunken in, popped, with shades of green and gold, my gaunt cheeks were now sculpted and splashed with rosy color. My lips were peached-colored and glossy and actually appeared full. Even without hair I looked kind of okay. Though I swore that I’d never wear it, I tugged the hat-wig combo that Mom had bought me, on top of my head.

For a few seconds I was stunned into silence. I was a touch regretful that I hadn’t bothered to even try the wig-hat thing on before now. I knew Mom had spent a small fortune on it since it had real human hair attached to it, but I’d been too determined to not like it that I hadn’t even looked at it.
 

The soft white ribbed wool cap was ordinary enough, and something that most people wouldn’t look twice at given the time of the year. Attached in a way that gave the impression that it was real hair, the wig was silky blonde. It was so much like my own hair that I wondered if Mom had somehow collected my lost hair to make it.
 

I ran my fingers through the thick locks, imagining that it was really mine. I felt tears well in my eyes, but I shoved them away. I hadn’t spent all that time applying makeup just to cry it away. I wasn’t my mother and never planned to be. I brushed out the hair, letting it spill like spun gold over my shoulders and down my back. For once in a very long while I felt passable, maybe even pretty.

I drew in a huge breath, suddenly nervous about what Jax would think. My concern made no sense. He was accustomed to seeing me au natural and dressed in skids. Still, I wasn’t sure. I strode out, threw my arms out to the sides.

“Ta da,” I said in an overly dramatic way. Being silly and over the top managed to stay my already frazzled nerves.

Jax’s eyes opened lazily as if he’d been napping. His dazed expression didn’t last long.

“Holy shit Marilee, you…” His voice faltered, as if he was searching for the words to say. I chewed on my lip, a bad habit I was all too fond of. I was positive that I’d already messed up my lipstick. Jax got to his feet. He moved toward me, his eyes stayed locked on mine the whole way over.

“You’re the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen,” he said in a low gravelly voice. A shiver ran up my spine. He reached forward as if he meant to take my face in his hands, but froze midway.

“I don’t want to ruin your makeup, but damn do I want to kiss you right now,” he said, quirking a smile. I pressed my body to his, feeling the muscles of his taut stomach and chest against me. I drew his face down to mine. Our lips met and Jax’s kiss was so light that it felt like a puff of air on my mouth. I tried to get more of a response, but he stepped back.

“Like I said, I’d love to do this all night, but for a change I have other plans for us.”

I groaned loudly. I was actually mad that we couldn’t do just that. I felt so good, like a normal teenage girl. For one night I was able to do regular things, like go out on a date with my boyfriend. Boyfriend. Even thinking of Jax as my boyfriend made my stomach twist a little.
 

Once again I questioned why he wanted me. I shook my head, there would be plenty of time for self-loathing, but never enough time spent with Jax. It seemed a shame to waste one moment of the evening on worrying if I was good enough. I slipped on my black wool coat, buttoned it, then wrapped a multicolored, striped scarf carelessly around my neck.

Jax, in a very un-Jax like way, offered me his arm, as if he were a gentleman from a Jane Austen movie. I couldn’t help but giggle, since he probably would have been cast as the suave stable boy, not the gentleman. I looped my arm through his and we strode down the deserted halls of the hospital, as if it was my home, not a hospital.

“You sure this is all sanctioned?” I said with a nervous look over my shoulder.
 

Jax just nodded. We were silent as we walked. The only sound was the soft tap of my shoes on the linoleum. When we’d made our way to the foyer, I paused to look at the decorations and lights that filled the space. It only served to remind me that Christmas was only two weeks away. The concept that I was supposed to go to Jax’s for dinner seemed daunting and exciting at the same time, but for the time being I shook it from my thoughts. I wanted to be fully present for my night out, and not miss one single thing.

When we stepped outside the sliding glass doors, I noticed a sleek black stretch limousine parked directly in front of the hospital entrance. I wondered if some kind of celebrity was visiting a sick fan in the hospital. It didn’t really make sense since it was late. I also hadn’t seen one camera or crew, who surely would have been documenting the event.

A middle-aged man dressed in a dark uniform, complete with a top policeman style hat and a long trench coat made his way around the car. He opened the door and gave a tip of his hat as if he wanted us to get in. I stared at him, then Jax. Jax’s face was shining with elation. It took me a few seconds to work it out, but I finally realized that the limousine was for us.

“Jax?” I said, too stunned to speak. I knew what limos cost. Jax just didn’t make the kind of money to waste it on something as frivolous as this. I opened my mouth to protest. Before I said a word he placed a long finger against my lips.

“I know you’re going to think I used your money, but I didn’t. I dipped into my savings and…” He broke off suddenly. I was ticked off that he thought that I assumed he’d used money from the Peace Project, and that I didn’t believe he could afford it. In that moment I understood that despite Jax’s seemingly relaxed appearance he was just as unsure of himself as I was. Only his worries were around something I had more than ample amounts of, money and the luxuries it brought with it.