Taylor Made Owens (13 page)

So there they were, Dominic and Robert, sitting close by one another. Dominic had a face of almost feminine beauty, topped by blondish hair, with dark brown eyes, a thin nose, thin lips, a chiseled chin, and dimples. Robert’s were rugged, masculine good looks, with striking blue eyes, and dark hair. Dominic, as always, was dressed and toileted impeccably, displaying his looks to their utmost. Robert, as usual, was accoutered in the finest garb five dollars could buy, hadn’t dragged a comb across his head that month, and was sporting a few nasty pimples on his forehead and chin. Comparing the two physically, Kristen, who was partial to blond hair and brown eyes, considered Dominic the more handsome. Mentally, there was no contest.

Dominic, who hadn’t a clue he was wholly innocent of a sense of humor, started the competition by trying to joke. “I was a bit worried about you, Owens, since Kristen seems to think a lot of you, but I can see now that I was worried about nothing—or should I say
a
nothing?” Dominic laughed, Judy chortled, Jeremy sipped, and Kristen and Robert looked at each other and saw reflected frowns.

“I had an amusing idea for this evening,” Judy opened. “I brought a magazine quiz that helps a woman choose between two guys.”

“You just happen to have that in case you have to make an emergency choice at, say, a campfire?” Robert said.

“Yes,” Judy replied. “Anyway, let’s try it, shall we? It should be fun.”

“No, thanks. Count me out,” Robert said.

“Come on, Bobby,” Kristen implored. “It might be fun.”

“It doesn’t matter whether he wants to participate or not,” Judy said. “The questions are for Kristen. She has to answer them for man one, Dominic, and boy two, Owens.”

“But it would be more fun if anyone could shout out an answer,” Kristen said, thinking she might get a few laughs from Robert. She expected none from Dominic.

“First question,” Judy began. “Dominic makes you feel as if …”

“Dominic makes me feel as if I’m a little girl on Christmas because he has so many fun toys,” Kristen said with a sly glance at Robert.

Judy continued, “Owens makes you feel as if …”

Looking hard into his eyes, Kristen answered, “Bobby often makes me feel as if I’m nothing special to him.” Robert gave her an
Oh, come off it
look, but she returned an
It’s true
look. Dominic smiled.

“Now, Kristen, compose a couplet about Dominic,” Judy read.

“Okay, um …” She paused to choose her words carefully. Looking at Dominic with peeps at Robert, she said, “Dominic Solano, so handsome and fun/ I’m thankful it’s your heart that I’ve won.”

“I love you, too, honey,” Dominic proudly stated. Kristen gaped in surprise at that declaration, and turned to Robert to tactfully shake her head, but he wasn’t looking at her.

Robert jumped in with, “How about, Solano, you’re so empty of wit you bring us all down/ but you’re so full of shit your eyes are dull brown.”

Kristen erupted in laughter while looking at Dominic’s eyes. They were appealing, but did seem a touch dull; dimmed by mediocrity, she supposed. She switched her gaze to Robert’s eyes; they seemed to shine. Perhaps it was her impression of their souls.

“Okay,” Judy went on, “compose a couplet about Owens.”

Kristen focused on him and thought for a moment. She said silently, just moving her lips, “Bobby Owens, I love you most true/ I was made to spend forever with you.” Reading lips was not among his talents.

“Come on, Kristen, I know it’s hard to come up with anything good on him—” Judy started to say, when Dominic interrupted.

“Owens is such a bore, because he is so poor.” Dominic laughed heartily; he was his own biggest fan. Judy smiled her approbation.

Kristen said, “Bobby Owens, a bright and funny guy/ boy, could I go for a good slice of pie.”

“I love pie, too, honey,” Robert retorted in a tone that betrayed his waning tolerance. Kristen flashed a satisfied smile at him.

“Next question,” continued Judy. “What kind of future would you have with … Well, we know Dominic would lavish you with whatever you could possibly want, but what could Owens do for you?”

“Maybe lavish her with, uh, Tootsie Pops,” Dominic interjected with a booming laugh. “You get a hundred bucks a month, right?”

Robert scowled at Kristen as if to say,
What have you told him about me?
Kristen returned a confused look. Judy had imparted this information. Dominic extracted his wallet and counted out twelve hundred-dollar bills.

“This is what you get in a whole year, eh?” Dominic continued. “Want it?” He held it out to Robert, fanning out the bills so the ends floated in eddies wafting from the campfire. Robert fixed his eyes on the cash, dying to take it. Finally he couldn’t resist and reached out, but Dominic dropped the bills into the campfire. “Oops,” he said. Dominic and Judy chuckled with delight at Robert’s humiliation.

“Dominic, that wasn’t funny,” Kristen chided, embarrassed in front of Robert.

Dominic went on, “How do you entertain such a fine gal with no money? She deserves to be treated like a princess, but how can a pauper do that? The last time I was with, uh, Kristen, we went, uh, paragliding with my speedboat. She told me she never had so much fun in her life.” Robert gave her a worried glance. “What did you do the last time you were with her?”

“Well,” Robert said, “let’s see. In the days of yore—well, not that yore; it’ll be two weeks Sunday—I journeyed to her castle to seek permission from the king and queen for me to promenade with their princess.” Kristen grinned. “Their majesties glared at me as if to say I had one head too many, but granted their grudging permission after a short inquisition and a promise to relieve me of my ball sack should I touch a freckle on her royal face. Then we walked her dog, and for the first time I picked up after it. Let me tell you, if you want to impress a princess, pick up shit for her, but don’t put the bag in the Gilmours’ mailbox or she’ll yell at you.”

“I knew that was you, jackass,” said Judy.

“Then the princess entrusted to me care of the last apple in the kingdom while she took a royal wee-wee. Alack, to my eternal shame, and I vow I know not how it came to pass, I somehow failed in my sacred duty, for when she returned to collect the apple, ‘twas but a core.”

“The accursed cur who performed the foul deed stood there with a mouthful of apple crying with glee over his violation of my trust,” Kristen explained in her best haughty British accent.

Robert beamed at her easy transition into character. “Marry, good princess,” he protested, “I cry fie. Were I guilty of this heinous transgression of which I stand unjustly accused, I would fain lop off my hand—”

“Brake thine insolent tongue, knave!” Kristen returned. “Thy ceaseless prating outrunneth my forbearance. Be there any lopping of your pesky extremities, churl, the pleasure shall be mine.” Noticing his broad smile, she said, “Prithee, coxcomb, do not make light of your dishonorable conduct toward our person. Thou art most fortunate thy head doth remain on its perch.”

Robert laughed roundly. Like him with her, she got a thrill out of making him laugh. She smiled at him with gleaming eyes. As she turned away from him to address Dominic and Judy, the shine in her eyes faded as if she’d turned from the light to the dark. She clarified for the others, “He ate the whole thing in thirty seconds,” with a chuckle. “With a mouth so full of apple it was drooling down his chin, he mumbled, ‘It wasn’t me.’”

Robert continued, “Then we went for a walk past the pond, and I tried to catch a frog to give to her; you know, to see if she’d kiss it. She has no problem kissing much slimier things,” he noted, while glancing at Dominic. “Anyway, she kicked me into the pond.”

“I barely touched you. How was I to know you’d lose your balance so easily?” Kristen asked.

“My hanging onto a single blade of grass might have tipped you off. Instead, you tipped me off. I gathered the sight of me covered in pond scum was amusing given the gales of laughter escaping her mouth, so I decided to see what was so funny about a person sitting in the slew. Seeing my intention in my eyes, she took off, but I caught her within ten paces and threw her over my shoulder. She was screaming at me, ‘Put me down! Don’t you dare, Robert!’ and kicking her legs as I walked back into the pond. I lifted her up above my head to scare her a bit, but she squirmed, and I lost my grip. She fell on me, and both of us ended up sitting in the pond covered in weeds and scum. I thought she’d be angry at me, but she started laughing again.”

“You looked so funny sitting there with green slime all over your head,” Kristen said. “Come to think of it, you as a swamp creature is a step up from the normal you.”

“Humph, methinks ye esteem me meanly, milady,” he said. “Anon I shall finish my wine cooler, and in the wake of a short nap to sleep it off, I shall storm away in a huff.” He continued with his recounting of the day’s activities two weeks ago Sunday. “Anyway, we both went home to shower and change. She hit me when I asked if we should conserve water by combining our efforts.”

“You make me sound so violent,” said Kristen. “I merely tap you on the arm to reprimand you for being naughty.”

“She came over to my house a half-hour later, and for some reason insisted on helping me with my laundry.”

“He was hanging around in his boxers because all his clothes were dirty,” she explained to the others.

“So she helped me with my laundry, and she yelled at me for putting colors and whites together. She apparently has some Afrikaner blood in her. While the washer did its thing, we watched the news, and she hit me for snickering when they showed the residue of a church that had been leveled by a tornado, killing thirty-two suckers who were worshiping the One that did this to them. The Lord, I’m guessing, relishes irony. When my clothes were dry, she yelled at me for balling up my clean clothes. She was unaware that only girls and homofaguals fold their clothes. I notice yours are wrinkle-free,” he said to Dominic. “After that we went to her house and barbequed hamburgers, and she scolded me when I dropped one, then served it to Judy.”

“You son of a bitch!” said Judy.

“Then, while the womenfolk cleaned up, I sat there and told them what they were doing wrong until her highness took me by the ear, and made me help. Then we went to the store to rent a movie, pausing along the way to gaze at the sun setting over the sewage plant. She picked out what turned out to be the worst movie ever made and yelled at me when I implied it was her fault the movie sucked. I know what you’re thinking: if it weren’t for her always yelling at me and hitting me, we’d have a pretty pathetic relationship.”

“Actually, I was thinking that made it even more pathetic,” said Dominic, the sarcasm having eluded him.

Kristen was thinking,
I really enjoyed that day with him even though we did nothing out of the ordinary
. She reflected,
Ninety-nine percent of life is mundane. I found someone who somehow makes everything we do together special to me. That’s what true love is.

Dominic persisted with the money angle. “I think I’ll go out and buy something real fancy for, uh, Kristen tomorrow. See if you can guess what I have in mind, Owens. I’ll give you a hint: it starts with B-M-double … Can you guess?”

“Um, a BM double, double, toil, and trouble?” Robert surmised.

“Huh? No,” said Dominic. “Try again.”

“A BM double down the left field line?”

“It’s a car, idiot.”

“Oh. A BM doubleyota Camry.”

“Dominic, I am not accepting a BMW from you,” interrupted Kristen. “Please stop this foolishness. Read the next question, Judy.”

“What’s the sexiest thing that Dominic has ever said?” asked Judy.

Kristen was taking a sip of her wine cooler when Robert answered, “You’re a great kisser, grandma,” and she involuntarily inhaled to fuel a vigorous laugh, thereby drawing the liquid into the wrong tube.

She coughed and sputtered, her eyes watered, some wine cooler came out her nose, and finally the guffaw and more wine cooler exploded out of her mouth. All hooted at the site of her. Dominic had to pat her on the back.

“He told me I looked beautiful,” she said, still coughing and crying out of pure mirth.

“What’s the sexist thing Owens has ever said to you?” Judy said, emphasizing the final two words that she assumed were implied when the question adverted to Dominic but that Robert had ignored.

Crying still more, Kristen replied, “I farted.” At that, Robert joined in her laughter. She thought back a few days when he disgorged a thunderous one, then smiled innocently with his forefinger to his chin, and with a curtsy, said, “Boo boo bee doo,” in a cutesy voice. Although she hadn’t wanted to condone such venting, she couldn’t help laughing before she could rebuke him. That memory prolonged her laughter.

“This time,” Judy said, “we’ll let Dominic answer first. What would be a good nickname for Owens?”

After waiting fifteen seconds for Dominic to reply, Kristen said, “Oliver.”

Robert smiled. The others had no idea what it meant. Holding up his empty bottle to Jeremy, he said, “Please, sir, I want some more.”

“What would be a good nickname for Dominic?” asked Judy.

“Stubby Fuckstick,” guessed Robert to Kristen’s snickering.

“Tell him it’s much more than a stub, honey,” Dominic said to Kristen. At that, Kristen blushed and looked for Robert’s reaction. He was stunned and vexed, and turned his face to the river to hide it. Dominic saw his jealous reaction and decided to exploit it.

“Okay, Kristen, you answer this and be serious,” Judy instructed. “What do you like doing most with Owens?”

“I like just being with him,” she said, hoping to assuage his displeasure.

“Sounds exciting,” Judy said sarcastically. “And with Dominic?”

“Having a miserable cry together?” Robert wondered, still refusing to make eye contact with Kristen.

“Shut up, Owens. Let Kristen answer,” Judy said.

“Um, riding on his speed boat,” she said, hoping that was innocuous enough not to irritate Robert further.

“You mean making love, don’t you, dear?” Dominic boasted. Robert swung his head back and gaped at her.