Taylor Made Owens (52 page)

The committee whispered among themselves. After a few minutes, the chairwoman said, “Dr. Owens, we’ve decided to suspend you until the end of the term, without pay. After that, assuming this has blown over, you may return to your post.”

He bristled at the sentence and opened his mouth to remonstrate, but Kristen said, “Don’t! Just accept it and leave … Trust me.” He sighed and walked outside. It was a cloudy, dreary morning. He zipped up his jacket.

Kristen followed and, while doing up her coat, said, “They needed to slap you on the wrist to satisfy the hierarchy. You’ll be back next term.”

“I’m not coming back. I’m leaving London, and you’ll never see me again.” He turned and walked briskly away.

With a real sense of panic that he was about to depart forever, her soul finally pushed aside the sorrow, disappointment, regret, anger, and fear her conscious self had interred it in just after he left her over four years earlier, reunited with her cognitive mind and commanded, “Robert Owens: stop!”

He obeyed and turned to face her.

Closing the distance between them, she said, “If you storm away from me one more time, you’ll convince me that I made the right decision with Mark. You’ll convince me that you haven’t changed, that you’ll never change. You’ll convince me that you don’t respect me, that you don’t love me. So if that’s what you want, then turn around and go.”

He stayed put.

She stepped still closer to him, looked in his eyes, and said, “I still love you; I will always love you.”

“You’ve varied between distant and hostile with me since I arrived. There’s been no sign of any love.”

“Nor any from you. I had a good thing going with Mark—he really is a great guy—and then you show up out of the blue. I didn’t know how to react. I still don’t. I just know I love you.”

“Yet you’re marrying Mark, so I guess you love him more.”

“You’ve never understood the depth of my love for you. We’re supposed to be together!” She took his hands in hers. “Our problem is you don’t know that. You love me so much less than I love you.”

“How can you say that? I asked you to marry me twice. It was you who rejected me twice.”

“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you know how I forever grieve that something major intervened both times? The best part my life was the twenty hours when we were engaged. The bliss I experienced then is greater than all my happiness combined since then. Both situations were incredibly complicated, and both times you were the cause; yet you continue to blame me.”

She let go of his hands and resumed, “You and I have a lot of strengths in common, but we also share a critical weakness. When we get angry over something the other one did, we strike out impetuously. We magnify the original problem a hundredfold with reckless and foolish responses.”

She stopped to gauge his reaction. He nodded in agreement.

She proceeded, “There’s also an important difference between us: when I realize what I’ve done, I do my best to undo it, and I forgive you for what you did. But you … don’t. I was ready to marry you the next day,
the next day
! But you never came back.” She stepped back, looked down, and repeated mournfully, “You never came back.”

“I did, but too late, I guess.”

“If you think it is, then it is.”

“You’re engaged to him, aren’t you?”

He hung his head and turned to leave, but she grabbed his arm and said, “Robert! Did you hear anything I just said? You keep giving up on us. Here you are ready to do it again. Why do you think I don’t trust you? How am I to believe that if we did get back together, you would stay with me the next time the going got tough?”

“I will.”

“No, Bobby; that’s not good enough for me. You need to show me you’ve grown. You need to prove to me you can rise above the weaknesses that have doomed our relationship time and time again.”

“How?”

She took his hands once more. “First and most obvious, don’t leave London; don’t leave me.” He nodded. “Second, show me you truly do love me.”

“Why do you think I keep coming back to you? I can’t live without you.”

She released his hands again and said in a decidedly colder tone, “If that were true, we wouldn’t have spent the last
twelve years
apart. If you didn’t keep leaving, you wouldn’t have to keep coming back.”

He cast about for the magic words that would convince her his love was genuine. In his mind, the stakes were now at their highest.
If I can convince her I’ll never leave her again, she might take me back! Don’t blow this!

His ponderings were taking too long. She said, “Robert?”

“Uh, I really do love you, Krissy … so much it scares the hell out of me.”

Her face fell; his followed suit.
Shit!
, he exclaimed to himself.

She said, “There’s the heart of the matter: your insecurity. It’s what worries me most. It leads you to doubt my love, which leads you to abandon me.”

“Of course I doubt your love. You’re engaged to another man.”

“Convince me you will never again break my heart, that you’ll stand by me no matter what happens, and that will change.”

The sun found its way between the clouds.

“Krissy … I’m dying to convince you. Here you are offering me another chance, and I’m flubbing it. I’m so afraid of saying the wrong thing again, I’m shaking. Please tell me how I can convince you.”

“Showing faith in me today was a good start. Your shaking is sweet, too,” she said with a smile. “It tells me you’re sincere. Other than that … time.” She looked at her watch. “I’m late; I have to go.” She kissed his cheek and walked away.

He called to her, “Please don’t marry him!”

Turning to face him and walking backwards, she said, “Convince me.” She turned and hurried to her waiting students.

•

The next day, Robert received the copy of the recording of the Hendrix phone call. He immediately called Kristen, but learned she was in Toronto for a conference for the next three days.

So, he went to Kim’s to play the recording for his son and Kim. Though Brian believed him anyway, it was important for Robert to erase any doubts his son might have entertained. Kim, who cringed in listening to the recording, sincerely apologized for doubting him and added, “Bob, I’d hate to think our friendship will suffer because of—”

“Kim, through it all you’ve been my one and only constant friend. Without the friendship you showed me, I don’t know if I would’ve survived the bad times, especially after Iraq. You’re so kind and so good that I can’t imagine my world without you in it. And you brought Brian into my life. I can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. You mean the world to me.”

With tears in her eyes, she hugged him.

Next, he packed and flew to California with the aim of getting Kara back. Jennifer had been regretting her decision to take her daughter back. Kara had spent much of her time crying during the twenty-nine days she was with her mother. Jennifer had stopped trying to pick her daughter up, because she couldn’t bear the heart-wrenching screams of hatred. She was to resume touring in a little over a month and was wondering how she would manage the wretched child, even with the caregiver she hired, so when Robert called demanding a meeting, she responded with a wholehearted yes. When he got there, the reuniting of father and daughter left nary a dry eye in the house.

“Daddy!” said the little girl as she ran to his open arms.

He embraced her tenderly and smothered her with kisses. “I love you so much,” he said. A beaming smile evaporated her tears. He sat and put Kara on his lap; she snuggled in. He took out his laptop and ordered Jennifer to listen to the recording.

Before he started it, he said, “This is what actually happened on that awful night in Baghdad. It’s scary, so I’m covering Kara’s ears.”

Jennifer nodded nervously and listened. She sat there astonished as she heard Hendrix converse with the contact, referring to Owens three times. Crying by the end of it, she hugged her hero, her love, trust, and admiration for him restored.

“You’ve wondered why I never want to think, let alone boast about this? Here you are crying just listening to it. Imagine being there. You can’t come close to comprehending the overwhelming feeling of pure horror, but try to put yourself there just for that minute. First, there’s the gut wrenching fear. You’re sweating, you’re shivering, you’re breathing so fast you’re getting light-headed, your heart is pounding, your stomach is one big knot, your mouth is so dry you can’t swallow. Every fiber of your being is screaming ‘Run!’—but you can’t, because you couldn’t live with yourself anyway if you left your friend alone to die, if you let your country down, and if you didn’t do everything possible to stop that virus from getting out, so you stay, expecting every second to be your last. Tick, tick, tick.” He opened his eyes wide to show dread and turned his head back and forth. “Where’s the fatal shot going to come from? Tick, tick … Is the tank going to fire? Tick, tick … Where the fuck are those guys to the west! Will they get me or Hendrix before I can get them? Tick, tick … Will I feel a lot of pain? Tick, tick … Or will I just go out like a light bulb? Tick, tick … There they are! Bang, bang, bang, bang!”

Jennifer jumped and latched onto his arm.

“Now the rest of them know we’re the enemy. Oh, Christ, I’m really going to die! ‘Fire!’ shouts their commander. They begin shooting. I yell to Hendrix, ‘Run!’ and I start running. I’m so scared, I can’t remember getting to the corner behind the building. I turn to see Hendrix still on the phone. Boom! He’s gone. Just disappeared.” Robert’s eyes looked distant as he re-experienced that horrendous moment. He dropped his head down as tears filled his eyes.

Jennifer petted his hair.

“That night … in some ways, it seems like it never really happened, it was so unreal. I saw so many good men die. I saw strangers die, many by my hand. I killed a child. I was tortured mercilessly. The unbearable pain …” He looked at her at a loss for words for the moment as the tears overflowed. “Every excruciating minute in that prison cell, I prayed for death.” She leaned closer and stroked his cheek. “Do you understand now why I want to keep it buried in my past?”

“Yes,” Jennifer said while weeping. She blew her nose. “I’m so sorry for not believing you. It only goes to prove, though, that other than these last few weeks, I’ve been right about you all along, Bobby Owens.”

“Yet how easy it was to knock that impression aside, and with that gone, you immediately fell out of love. Your love for me is shallow, Jenny.”

“No, it’s not! I never fell out of love. When there seemed to be solid evidence that I was mistaken about who you really are, I had to question why I loved you. But I remembered all the other reasons I’ve loved you since I was fifteen.”

“Because I saved your life.”

“Not just that, but that is important to me, yes. How should a person feel about someone who saved her life? My point is, you always come through when it’s most important. You succeeded that night in Iraq only because of the man you are. I understand who you are, and that’s why I love you.”

“Yet you took my daughter from me.”

“
Our
daughter, Bobby. Ours. She’s mine, too, and I have the right to be with her. You hate me for taking her from you, but did you stop to think in all the time you had her that she came out of me, and that I gave my most precious possession to you? Did you ever think—cover her ears—that she wouldn’t exist if you had your way? It was me who wanted to have
our
child because I loved you. Do you remember how I had to force her on you to get you to even acknowledge her? You know how persistent I was in bringing you two together. I feel terrible about taking her from you, but you’re hardly on the high ground here.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry. I promise never to forget what you did for me and her. Now can I please have her back?”

“She hates me,” said Jennifer, as her tears fell again. “I go near her, and she screams. Can you imagine how that makes me feel? My own daughter detests me.”

“Ripping her out of her father’s arms didn’t help.”

“I know, but her father refused to share her with her mother. So, how do I overcome that awful scene? If I give her back, can you help me? Help her to love me again?”

“On the condition you don’t ever do this to us again. I want custody.”

“Joint custody, not sole custody,” Jennifer replied.

“Put that in writing. Now, can I have her back?”

“On the condition you help me into her good graces so that she comes to love me the way she loves you.” He nodded at her demand. “I mean starting right away. I want you two to stay here until my tour resumes. That’s twenty-three days. Agreed?” He nodded again. Jennifer continued, “And I want her to live with me from time to time.”

“That could be disruptive. She starts junior kindergarten this coming September. When and for how long would you want her?”

“Maybe when school’s out? Summers, Christmas, and March break. Plus I get to come to her whenever I please.”

“Okay. Entire summers might be too hard on all of us until you get to know each other better, but we can work up to that. As for Christmas, maybe we could spend the day together before you take her. Christmas without her would be meaningless to me.” Jennifer nodded. He turned to Kara. “Mommy said we can be together again, but she wants to spend more time with you, too, so we’ll stay here together for a little while, and after we go home, she’ll visit more and you can visit her, but you’ll always come home to me, okay?”

Kara smiled and curled up in his lap. He stroked her head.

“Come on, and I’ll show you to a nice room.” She turned to Kara, held out her arms and asked, “Can Mommy carry you?” Kara recoiled from her. Robert said, “You know how much Daddy loves you?” Kara nodded. “That’s how much Mommy loves you. Can you please let her hold you?” Kara shook her head. “Then can she kiss your forehead?” Kara nodded slowly. Jennifer kissed her forehead. “That’s a start. We’ll keep working on her. It’ll take time, but she’ll come around if she sees you’re serious about loving her.”

As Jennifer pointed out, he couldn’t appear cool to her if he expected Kara to warm up to her mother, so during his three weeks in California, Robert put on a show of affection for Jennifer. Jennifer took advantage of the situation by continually kissing him and hugging him. Soon, Kara became comfortable in Jennifer’s arms, but only when Daddy was around.