Tears of Leyden (27 page)

“Lyra…”

I weaken at his small groan and lie unmoving against him. He cuddles me close.

He lets me stay here a few moments, leaving me to rest in my place. Then, he tenderly urges me up and I lean my head against his neck, my hands settling over his hips without any tenseness. I listen to his breaths and the soft thump of his heartbeat, and wish to listen to it always.

“Beloved Lyra,” it is soft and gently spoken.

“Yes,” I whisper back.

He leans his head down to mine. “You’re safe…” he breathes it with relief, as though it had been tormenting him. I lightly move my hands up a bit and he curls me closer, causing my heart to jump. “I went back for you and couldn’t find you…”

I feel the reminder of the loss and press closer. “I went to look for you.”

He pushes his head to mine. “Don’t do that again,” he sounds hurt, scared and unbelievably apprehensive. I promise myself I won’t.

I nod. He snuggles his head against mine and I almost smile. “I met my vader,” it comes out before I bid it to and I feel my throat tighten.

He quiets. “He didn’t hurt you…?”

I shake my head lightly in assurance.

His face brushes the side of my portrait as he tilts his closer. “He was fair?”

I think a moment, and sadly bury my face closer. “I don’t want to see him again.”

He seems uncertain. “Leifde?”

I feel my eyes sting. “I don’t want him to take…” I hesitate and there is a pause. “You.”

He lays his face along my neck and I relax. “You are with me now,” he whispers. “You will be forever.”

I tense a little unwantedly.

He moves at this. “If that is want you want, only.”

I ease again to let him know I am alright and I try to make it come out. “Yes,” I say it gently.

He pushes closer. “I…my Lyra…” he breathes deeply against my hair and I drift into him. For the first time I feel the water around us and realize how I had forgotten. He lightly trails his face along my skin but lifts it. “We are disallowed then?”

I do not want to speak of it, but I know I have to.

“My…birthrights…Gilch…it is not that you aren’t…it is that you are of Spanish…”

He exhales and it stops me. “I am here for you.”

It loosens something inside me, but I do not loosen my grip on him. “You know we are not safe here though?”

He lifts his head from me and gently responds. “I know.”

I glance up at him and he is watching me fondly, it gives me a precious feeling. I look into his irises and feel their luminous color shift before me from dark to light, it is breathtaking. I let it out without intent. “Your eyes are lovely.”

He smiles a bit and I feel pleasure at this even as I feel mortified by my absentminded statement. He warmly looks into mine, though I feel he sees deeper. “You complement me…in many ways.”

I find the mixed message in it and feel myself blush. “We should go…” I peek back up from my shy and he is now gazing around us for peril.

“It is not so distant from the shore…but it is quiet here,” I listen intently to his calm observation and continue to watch him. “It still does not give us perfect sight of our surroundings…but I feel we are safe here…though…we should go…”

He looks back down to me and I lift my face from his chest a bit more to get ready to leave. He watches me a moment and the connection between us deepens. I feel the churning inside and the drawn sensation which I cannot close my eyes to and the moment ticks by only to give another of indecision. He slowly bends his head down a little and a shadow covers my face from the faint light above in the boat. I watch him as he leans, and with sureness of my allowance, he rushes it and dips his head down and pushes his lips to mine.

His fall quickly but gently along mine, landing perfectly on the curves of my mouth and catching my upper lip between his. My eyes close, and for once that nervous feeling inside does not make me dizzy. I still weaken. He holds me faithfully in his arms, and the secure fastening around me is assuring. He remains here a moment, then he fervently tilts his head and his lips move over mine. I had thought he would have released me and the action catches me a little off guard. I feel a longing inside make me want to reach for him more, but I refrain myself out of the knowing that we must be reserved here. I let him kiss me and follow willingly. He squeezes me to him. His body feels unnaturally heated from the cold water and I realize I am trembling; from the cold or his touches I know not which.

He deepens it. Now I know the tremble is from him. I feel his arms shift a little and his hand firmly scoops the back of my neck. My pulse pounds as he presses closer and I feel the weight of my body vanish at his ease to move me. I feel his dedication to me with every move, and I dream for more. I remember our surroundings and desperately try to control myself.

“Nadeje!” I force it out in a small gasp as his lips lift from mine between kisses. He kisses me warmly and I gently press against his chest with my hands. His mouth parts from mine at my plea. “We have to go…” my breathless whisper is meaningless to the emotions inside me, but one emotion fights at the rest; one of expectation and fear. I know Nadeje does not have this feeling.

He captures my lips again and I allow him, not willing it to end but not wanting to finish it here. He crushes me closer, and slowly, still kissing me, he walks through the water. I feel my heart waver and the beat hastens to the rate of my spinning head. I whimper into his mouth and he kisses me strongly as I feel the water moving slowly around our legs.

Lyra…
I make out the word with the movement of his lips and don’t know how to feel.

I weaken further as he steps forward and the water drags me against him, and shortly I feel the nervous sentiment has returned. A darker shadow crosses over us, and gradually I feel something solid form behind my head and shoulders. I feel him press me back to the side of the boat, and as he steps in I feel I should suffocate at the pressure he gives me. I breathe fine, but my exhale rattles out from his closeness. His kisses are captivating, though I drift to his hands as I feel him carefully move them up to my face. The kisses are somewhat easier coming now, as the boat supports me so that I am closer to being level in height with him. He moves his lips over mine with assertion, and I am fully absorbed in his passion. The water is still and like ice around us apart for his occasional forward lean to me making small ripples spread about our waists. The heat created in the space between us is unfamiliar yet consoling. I kiss him back, not knowing anything else but him in these moments.

“Beloved Lyra,” he breathes it as our lips slip and he tenderly bows his head and transfers his face down to my neck. The heat of his face brushes along my neck and spills painfully over my skin as he moves. It sends chills through my blood and I treasure the moment delicate to me. He feverishly pushes his lips to my neck and the feeling sears my skin with its willingness.

“Nadeje…” I feel it tremble out as I breathe without meaning for it to. I blush as he lifts his lips and kisses me again higher up my neck. My skin prickles at his exhale, gusting out over the underside of my jaw. He trails his face lightly up my neck and I am relieved until he leaves a tiny peck beneath my ear.

Then, he finds my lips again and remains there. I let out a small groan and he falters at the sound of it as though I have pierced him with something sharp and deflecting. I grip him a little and he leans into me so that I am entirely overawed
. I don’t want this…
the thought appears without any meaning…
we shouldn’t be doing this…
my heart beats double its speed…
but I do want him…
I feel him kiss me soothingly…
and this…
I battle only a second before the considerations are forgotten, and I let him lead me. His lips stroke mine cordially like silk.

“Beloved Lyra…gentlest Lyra…” he whispers it to me as our lips brush together and apart. “Dearest to me…”

“My Nadeje,” I tell him it lightly, feeling close to a faint as I speak against his lips.

He kisses me, once, twice, three times…I don’t want him to stop or continue. I am lost, unaware of anything but what he does. There is a hush as his lips are lifted, then come back down as though not ready yet. He pushes close as he kisses me hotly, then, his lips lighten. They vanish.

“Marry me,” he releases it through the breakage of our lips’ connection. It gasps into my face like he needs air and like the words had been suffocating him. For a moment I think I dreamed it, but as the hush between us continues, I know I have not.

I open my eyes to his and look at him as he does me. I fear he has said something he does not mean and that it was out of the blindness of our passionate engagement, but I am saved as I see I am wrong. His eyes are stormy and severe, thirsty and starved looking as they watch me sincerely with meaning. He breathes recklessly. I feel the blissful joy of it, and the truth of his meaning makes my heart soar. I can’t open my mouth, or at least control it, for my lips are parted from the need of breath and shock of his statement. My every sensation inside stops except for the new one I feel at his words. All the longing, the need, the craving for his kisses…they are gone. All that remains is disbelief…that and hesitant joy.

I watch him helplessly, and seeing the look in my eyes, he inclines his head and puts his lips to mine. It is still needful, loyal, loving, and heated…but something is missing. He kisses me intensely and I feel my heart waver.
What was it?
I try to feel the missing piece and am distracted. His kiss is truthful, earnest and needful…it is pure…and open to me...
for me
. There were no more secrets. Between man and wife, secrets become hushed topics, not secrets if the love is concrete. He kisses me and I feel his words echo in my head.
Marry me…

“Nadeje,” I gasp at a point of space between us. It is not fearful or shaky, it is desirable, loving.

He kisses me again and the feel is intoxicating. I feel his hands slip around my neck, then go back to my face, then lace behind my head, then return to my face as though not sure of where to place himself.
The thought enters me that,
I know not where to place him either.
I nod into him as he rests them in a position beneath my jaws, cupping my face, and he seems to be assured by it.
I find the place, and it is in the center of my heart.
He presses close and I finally can’t help it and let my hands travel to the closing of his shirt to fiddle with the collar. He groans at this and I feel his struggle to not reach for more of me. Then, he parts our lips and lays his face to mine to pause.

“Gilch…” he does not respond a moment, then nuzzles back in. I let out a trembling breath and the impact of it meets his skin, causing him to tense and then relax again. I feel him plant a kiss on my lower lip and breathe out in sudden remembrance. “My vader…”

He continues to run his face along mine and kisses me once.

“He…Nadeje it is unsafe for you here…” I whisper it to him in sudden fear and he kisses me with a light brush.

“I am not ignorant of that fact,” it is gentle and soft.

I shake my head and he presses closer as I separate us a little. “Nadeje…he would hurt you if he found you with me…or without…he hates Spanish…please…I can’t let you be hurt.”

He kisses me. “I would never,” his lips hint mine. “Ever,” he kisses me lightly. “Let that happen.”

I weaken to his promise, but feel something now guarding my loss of control. “We have to go…”

“Where?” it is not hurtful, yet it pierces me inside as I realize it; there is nowhere safe, at least not here.

I gently finger his shirt buttons and open my eyes to his. “There is nowhere…is there?”

His face softens and I feel the comfort of his presence begin to work its miracles. “There is…” he whispers tenderly. I drop my gaze to my hands as I continue to play with the laces at his throat. He leans his face closer and I am forced to feel his skin on mine again as it causes tingles inside. “It is far away…” he tells it to me like it is a story and I remember the old Dutch folktales moeder used to tell me on a cold night before the stove fire. I remember the chills that had run through me at daunting stories, and yet the warmth of their ending. Nadeje is not telling me a scary story, yet the same sensations take place inside. “If you let me…I could transport us there…but it will take…” he breathes a moment as he pauses. I look up into his face so close to mine and see the flushed expression. “It would be in…close to my home…where no one bothers about religion and there is hope for…” again he trails off. “I…my Lyra,” I swallow at his name for me and he closes his eyes. “It would be easier to get there…if…” he pauses again. “Forgive me please, but it would be less precarious if we were married.”

I feel the heat pour into my face and know I must look flustered, but behind my shock I calculate what he is saying. Though it is marvelous, I see the logic behind it. Transportation would be of ease and the thought of someone mistaking me for a lone girl…it could be dangerous to the extreme. Most importantly, we would be tied by the church; no questions could be raised about the sin or virtue of it.

I have stopped my play with the closing of his collar, and now I feel the water around me once again, very still, like Nadeje. He is looking at me now, his face sickly pale with concern and for once lack of calm. I know my answer to him means the world, as it does to me. I gently fondle his throat as I think a moment. I avoid his gaze and look straight ahead to his adam’s apple which is glowing from the torch light above us.