Tempus (45 page)

“Dad, I know what you mean.”

“What’s that, sweetheart?”

“That
magnetic pull
.  The first time I saw Gabriel, at the store.  That’s what it felt like.”

He scrutinized my face, looking into my still watery eyes.  “Well, I don’t have to ask about today then.  As I said, it was more than obvious.  Not sure what to think about that.  Seventeen is a little young to say you found ‘the one,’ but…” he squinted his eyes at mine, “I can’t say he isn’t.”

I did
not
just hear that.  Not from my overprotective dad.  Not from my ‘keep your options open’ dad.  Not from my ‘you’re only seventeen years old’ dad.  “What?”

“All I can say is that I know what I felt with your mom.  I would have felt it at seventeen the same as twenty-five, I have no doubt about it.  I may not be sure of everything, but I’m sure of that.”

I got up out my chair, walked around the table and threw my arms around him.  “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you, too, Jessie, more than you’ll ever know.”

“I don’t know what to do now, though.”  I removed my arms and sat back down, squeezing my hands together and rocking forward and back in the chair.  “I wouldn’t hurt Steve for anything, and I do like him, a lot.  It’s just not the same, though.  If I already know that, then he can’t possibly be the one, and if he’s not the one, even if Gabriel isn’t, then…”

“I know, sweetheart.  I can be the bad guy, if you want.  I’ll tell him I’m sorry, I made a mistake, he’s too old, or something.”

“You’d do that for me?  No. 
No
, that’s not right.  Don’t do that.  It’s my responsibility to think of something.  I owe him that.  He’s too good a guy.”  Heaven help me, I didn’t know what to do, though.

“You know I will help you any way I can, even if that means I keep my nose out of it.”

“I think I need to think.  I was supposed to call him.  If it’s okay, I’m going up to my room.”

“Sure, honey, you know where to find me if you need me.”

I had to go hug him again.  “Thank you, Dad.  You’re the best ever.”

“I try.”

I didn’t rush up the stairs this time.  As much as I still hated the surroundings, I felt like I understood a little better.  What do you do when you lose something like…?

Wow.  I was
going
to.  It was coming, and I didn’t know when.  It wasn’t the same as dad losing mom, sudden and without warning.  They had all those years together, been part of each other’s lives for so long—and Dad could remember.  I might not.

Did any decision I make now even matter?  If I called Steve
right now
and said ‘sorry, I can’t see you anymore, I fell in love with a guy from the past I barely remember,’ would it matter?  I was going to lose Gabriel.  I was going to lose the best conversation I ever had with my dad.  I was even going to lose my phone. 
What an idiotic thought
.

What if there was karma?  I couldn’t do anything wrong.  I couldn’t hurt anyone or be reckless.  Gabriel said it was like a tape, recorded over, the original still underneath.  I didn’t want the underneath to be bad.  Now I was back where I started—what was I going to do?

My feet felt extra heavy and I felt like I was walking upstairs to the gallows.  There was still no right answer. 
Why
, Steve?  Why now? 
Why
, Gabriel, why did you wait? 
Why
did you make him wait,
Mr
. Thomas Knight?  Thanks.  Thanks a whole
freaking
lot!

I wanted to zap something. 

I pulled out my phone when I got to my room.  It was off.  I didn’t remember turning it off.  I tried to turn it on, but it wouldn’t come on.  I hoped only the battery died, that I didn’t kill it trying to zap Gabriel.  I plugged it in and the little light came on, showing it was charging.  That was a good sign, I thought.

I flopped face down on my bed, grabbed two fistfuls of my quilt, and squeezed the crap out of it.  If it could feel, it would scream. 
I
could feel, and
I
wanted to scream.  I had a bit of a fit.  I rolled around on my bed, thrashed and kicked and cussed, then jumped up and ripped the whole quilt off, throwing it in a pile on the floor.

It accomplished nothing, but made me feel the slightest bit better.  No, it
didn’t
.  There was absolutely nothing to take out my frustration on.  I flopped back down on my bed and pounded the mattress with my fists, hoping that would work, trying to spend some energy.

I concluded nothing was going to work.  I looked at my watch.  I just needed to survive for thirty more minutes.  Just thirty.  I could do that.

I turned on my phone and within seconds I was getting alert after alert.  There were both voice messages and text messages, so I held the phone and waited for it to stop making noise before trying to scan the messages.  Julie, Julie, Julie, Steve, Julie, Steve, Julie, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Julie, Steve.  Good Freaking grief!

I started opening them, one by one.

Julie,
Found a plate 4u!
  That was at seven p.m.

Julie,
I’ll call you soon. 
That was sent at seven-fifteen p.m.

Julie,
Hey
.  A minute later.

Steve,
Hi beautiful, hope your day is good.
  Seven-twenty.

Julie,
Going to the store
.  Seven-thirty-five.

Steve,
Call if you can
.  Seven-thirty-eight p.m.

Julie,
Tried to call you.  Your phone must be off
.  Seven forty-two.

Steve,
On the way to parents.  My elbows are mad.
  That one made me laugh.  Seven forty-five.

Steve,
call and save me!
  Eight p.m.

Steve,
tried to call, guess your phone is off
.  Eight thirty.

Steve,
Hello?
  Eight thirty-five.

Steve,
call me, please.
  Nine p.m.

Julie,
Steve called me, where r u?
  Nine p.m.

Steve, 
Called Julie.  You’re not in trouble.  Haha
.  Five after nine.

I didn’t even know what that last message was supposed to mean.  I checked my voice messages and it was pretty much the same thing.  I skipped through most of them until I got to the last one.  It was Steve.

‘Hey.  It’s Steve.  Umm, missed ya tonight.  Dinner was miserable.  Umm, call me when you get your messages, please.  Hope we’re still on for tomorrow.  Umm, okay, well, let me know.  Talk to you later.’

Poor Steve!  I felt so guilty.  I took several deep breaths and listened to the message again.  I could do this.  I could talk to Steve and make everything okay, at least for now.  I dialed the number.

“Jessie!”

“How do you always do that?”  I exclaimed.  I never heard a ring.

He laughed.  “Had the phone in my hand, willing it to ring.  Pretty pathetic, huh?”

“You are insane.” 
Insane
.  “Sorry.  My phone died and I didn’t even know it until Dad and I got home.”

“Ah.  I figured that had to be it.  See, if your dad had one too, I could have called him and not been worried all night.”  His tone was light, but I could tell he meant it.

“I’ll make sure to tell him.”  I laughed a little, but it sounded off to me.

“So, we are still on for tomorrow, right?”  His voice sounded hopeful and worried at the same time.

“Of course we are!”  Almost too enthusiastic, did he notice?

“Great!  Dad dropped off the trailer and Moms’ four-wheeler earlier.  I figure I’ll drive the Toyota to work tomorrow, pick you up after I leave the store, then we’ll come here.  I’ve already got the Monster all hooked up.  Don’t really want to drive with the trailer to work.”

“Sounds like a plan.”  I said.

“So, did you have a good day?”  He asked.

“Yeah, it was all right.  Went out to eat with Dad tonight, and that was nice.  We sat in the kitchen and talked a long time after we got home.  It was kinda weird but cool.  I think he’s freaking out because it’s my last year of high school, you know?”  Way to direct the conversation, Jessie!

“I know.  He’s talked about it a lot all week.  Guess we don’t really know what it’s like.  It’s got to be hard, especially for your dad.”

“What?  Why especially for my dad?”  I asked.

“I don’t know.  Parents worry about their kids, well, most of them do, but you’re all he has.  I imagine that must make it twice as hard, seeing you grow up, knowing you’ll leave eventually.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”  That made me sad.  I didn’t want my dad to feel like I was all he had.

“He’s very proud of you, Jessie.  He’s got good reason to be, though.”

He couldn’t see me, but I blushed.   “Umm, thanks.”

I heard Steve laugh.  “Sorry.  Didn’t mean to embarrass you.  You’re a special person, Jessie, you always have been.  There is just
something
about you.”

His words were so sweet, and they were breaking my heart.  He was such a good guy.  Then it occurred to me, maybe I was thinking more of myself than I should.  Who was I to presume I could break his heart?  He wasn’t even my boyfriend.

“Hey, Jessie.  Remember the first time we met?”

I did remember.  I was at the store with Mom.  I was eleven.  It was after school.  I was doing homework in the back.

“Yeah.”  I said.

“Your mom took my mom in the back to show her something they just got in.  You were sitting on a stool at that desk.  You had on a pink lacy dress and pink shoes and had pink ribbons in your hair.  I thought you were a doll when I first saw you.  Like a real doll, until you turned around.”  He laughed.

“Picture day.”  I mumbled. 

“You whined about a math problem, and I offered to help.”

I remembered.  His hair wasn’t spiky then, and it was longer.  He had the prettiest eyes I had ever seen.  They made me think of the set of green Fostoria candleholders on Moms’ nightstand.  He was the first boy I had ever really noticed, or should I say thought was good-looking.  And he was sweet.

My tummy fluttered a little with the memory.  “I thought you had the prettiest eyes I had ever seen.  Of course, I was only eleven.”  I laughed.

“So what are you trying to say?”  He tried to sound insulted.

“Just that’s what I remember most.  Your beautiful green eyes.”  And his smile.  He had a very sweet smile.

“I remember your big
brown
eyes.  They made me think of Bambi, you know, the deer.  That’s what you reminded me of, a baby deer, with your gangly long legs.  You grew into them nicely.”

I hadn’t thought about that day in years.  I think I had a crush on him the first time I ever looked into those eyes.  He was fifteen, and hadn’t started filling out yet.  He was long-legged and skinny, but he had big hands and feet.  They looked a little too big, like a big-dog puppy you knew would grow up to be huge.  Funny, but he seemed confident, even then.

“You made me think of a big puppy.”  The thought made me laugh.

“I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.”

“Good, I guess.  Kids like puppies.”

“You make me smile, Jessie.”

“You make me smile too, Steve.”  And he did.

“So, I guess I’ll call you tomorrow before I leave the store.  Wear something you won’t mind getting dirty, and bring some gloves, too.”

“Okay.  I’ll be ready.”

“Sweet dreams, Jessie.”

“Sweet dreams, Steve.”

I hung up and started to put my phone back on the charger, then stopped.  I was torn.  Should I call Julie?  She was my best friend, after all.  Maybe she could help.  The only problem was I couldn’t tell her
everything
, and without knowing everything, how could she possibly help me?

I growled, and dialed her number.  She answered, “Hey!  Where
were
you today?”

“Julie!  I have a dilemma!  Help!”  ‘Help’ always got Julie immediately focused.

“Tell me everything!”  I could imagine her sitting up at attention as she said it.

The first thing I told her was about this morning, nearly falling out my window and Gabriel coming to the rescue.  She interrupted me immediately.

“And you didn’t call me and tell me anything!  How could you not call me?  OHMIGOD!  You could have died!”

“Julie, focus!  That’s not even the important thing!”

“Not important!  How could you....”

“JULIE!  I’m sorry I didn’t call, but you have to listen, please!  There’s more!”

I told her about meeting Steve for lunch, about seeing Gabriel and his dad, about them inviting us to dinner, and how Gabriel wanted me to come early.  I told her about him picking me up and taking me to his house.

“Wait, wait, wait.  Gabriel came to
your
house and took you to
his
house?”

“Right.”

“To
cook
.”