Tenure Track (50 page)

“
I just don’t think some memories need to be dredged up and analyzed for public consumption,” Mark insisted. “Mama’s very old. She doesn’t always know what she’s saying!”

“
Sure she does!” Jane insisted. “That’s why she wants the story told before it’s too late. We have to know the truth to understand the past. I think it’s especially important for Dana to know. We named her after your mother because Danya was strong. To me, knowing how nice your mother is and that she still was tough enough to do what she had to do, makes her even more admirable. She’s a fighter, and so is Dana.”

He grimaced. “There are some things I’d just rather not know, or have the world know.”

“
You think by deleting the record you can change the fact that it happened? That’s as bad as Holocaust deniers! You can’t just pretend the ugly parts of history away. You can’t change the past by pretending your mother never hurt anybody and you can’t make your daughter straight by pretending she’s not gay!” No sooner were the words out of her mouth than she regretted them.

“
That’s a low blow!” he shouted. She tried to apologize, but Mark was in no mood to listen. “You know, I bet there are some parts of your personal history that you might not want the world to know, either. Put
that
down in your historical record!” He walked out before she had a chance to respond or ask which parts of her past he might be alluding to.

Chapter 26

Responses

The next day, both Dana and Dennis received multiple college admission letters. As expected, Dennis was accepted by all of his schools, including Caltech, MIT, and the state U. He said very little about the letters, acting as if it mattered little where he went to school. His parents assumed he just needed time to digest the information.

Dana was also accepted at the flagship, as well as two smaller in-state schools. Even though the U. had not offered her an athletic scholarship, she had already declined the smaller schools’ offers to play basketball, determined to take her chances as a walk-on for her dream team.

That evening, Dana headed outside right after dinner, but instead of producing the usual rhythms of the basketball, there was only silence. A bit concerned, Jane stepped out the back door, nursing a glass of wine, to see Dana sitting on the steps, looking at the setting sun. Jane sat down next to her daughter and offered a sip from her glass, which the teenager, still avoiding alcohol after that fateful party in autumn, declined. As the sun dipped down below the horizon, the women silently basked in its beauty. When Dana leaned across her mother’s bent knees, Jane responded by gently rubbing the child’s back. “I’m surprised you’re not shooting hoops tonight,” Jane said.

“
I’m just takin’ a break,” Dana replied nonchalantly, hugging her long legs like a child as she abruptly changed the subject. “I’m glad Bubbe came.” The girl had a pensive look on her face. “Do you think I was out of line asking her about the Nazis and gays?”

Jane, who was still angry with Mark for intentionally erasing the video—a fact she had not revealed to the twins—tried to answer as her mother-in-law would have. “Bubbe wouldn’t have answered the question if she thought you were out of line.”

“
Do you think I should tell her about me? Dad doesn’t want me to.”

Jane tried to hide her continued disappointment in her husband. “That’s up to you. Bubbe’s from a different era, so I honestly don’t know what she’ll think, but I know she loves you. Hey, she accepted me, even though I’m a
shiksa
.”

Dana raised up and leaned her head on Jane’s shoulders. “Speaking of that, would you be upset if I visited the Hillel at school next year?”

Jane was surprised by the question. “Uh, no,” she stammered. “But you’ve always been so adamant about being Christian.”

“
Yeah,” Dana replied without emotion. “I just didn’t want Dad pushing the whole Jewish thing on me. Ya know how he goes overboard with these things. But I’d kinda like to learn more about it. Like Bubbe says, it’s part of who I am, ya know? I should learn more.”

Reaching back into her memory for another of Gary’s frequent words of wisdom, Jane recited, “Well, that’s part of what college is all about. I think you should explore whatever you’re interested in and see where the path takes you. Believe me, you’ll never have such freedom again. And by the way, in case I haven’t said so, congratulations on getting into the university. I know that’s what you wanted.”

While the idea of having her child close by thrilled Jane, the decision made little sense from a logical standpoint. “But you know, there’s no guarantee you’ll make it as a walk-on,” the mother pointed out.

“
I know,” Dana said, cupping her hand to view the moon through her fingers. “I’ll just have to take my chances.”

“
But I thought you loved playing basketball. Wouldn’t you rather go to a school where you’d be guaranteed to play?” Jane asked.

“
Well, I can still shoot hoops, even if I’m not varsity. I just want to be around the program. I might even see if I can be a volunteer manager or somethin’,” Dana replied. “I mean, like, how many chances do you get to be around the very best coach in any sport? That’s like you gettin’ to study with the historian who's won the most Nobel prizes or somethin’.”

Jane resisted pointing out the Nobel does not award prizes for History, as she was finally beginning to understand her daughter’s rationale. “So, you’re interested in being a coach?”

“
Well, duh! That’s what I want more than anything, Mom, you know that!” Dana replied.

Jane refused to admit aloud that she actually did not know until that moment. Dana’s career goal should have been even more obvious than her sexual orientation.
Why don’t I see these things?

As Jane marveled at her own obtuseness, Dana lit up with dreams of her future, her voice gaining speed with each syllable: “To be like the coaches I’ve had, helpin’ kids, teaching them how to be their best. I mean, maybe I'll decide to work with a college program, but I think I’d like to start at the junior high or high school level. To have a chance to work with Coach Montgomery, whoa, that would be awesome! If I can’t learn as a player, then I’ll clean the locker rooms or sweep the floors, whatever it takes just to be around her. It’s like, the way you’re always talkin’ about Gerda Lerner. That’s what I want. I want to learn from the best so that I can be the best, like you.”

Like you.
Jane reared back and struggled to suppress the lump in her throat. All these years of droning on about her mentor to bored, glazed-over eyes, thinking no one was listening. Yet Dana had heard.
And she wants to be like me.

Jane lifted her daughter’s chin in her hand.
When had the child I knew turned into such a young woman? So determined to find herself, her destiny?
Summing up her admiration, Jane patted her child on the back. “That sounds like an excellent plan.”

Then, for the first time ever, Jane asked her daughter for advice with a problem. “Tell me the truth: how’s Dennis doing?” she began.

The next morning, by design, Dana declined to go for a run with her brother. Instead, Jane caught up with him about a block from home. “Mind if I join you?” she asked.

“
Yeah, sure, whatever,” he said, a bit surprised.

Jane quickly grew out of breath trying to keep up with his pace. “So,” she huffed, “Your sister—seems—to have—made—up—her mind—to come—to the U.—next year.”

“
Yeah,” he replied, barely seeming to take a breath. “No news there.”

“
What—about—you?”
I really need to exercise more.
“Have you—decided—where you’ll—be?”

He maintained a steady pace. “I still have a few weeks to declare. You okay, Mom?”

“
Uh, slow—up—just—a—bit. Okay, slow—up—a lot. I’m dyin’—here.” After slowing to a quick walk, Jane finally caught her breath. “Okay, forget the running. Look, you’re sister’s afraid you’re going to stay here because you think she needs you.”

“
I know,” he nodded with resignation.

“
Why?” she asked, still huffing a bit.

“’
Dunno. Just ‘cause. I’d probably be easier. I dunno. I haven’t decided. Why, you tryin’ to get rid of me?”

At that, Jane stopped her strapping son and grabbed him by the shoulders. “Dennis, for myself, I’d love nothing more than for both of you to stay close by, but you’ve always talked about going to a top science school. ‘Geek heaven,’ you said.”

“
So?” he asked in that rhetorical tone unique to males of the teenaged species.

Then Jane revealed her hand. “You know, back when Dana came out, Phyllis expressed some concerns about you. She said that you were afraid of being separated from your sister because your identity was wrapped up in protecting her. I guess at the time we were too focused on Dana to take it seriously, but I think she was onto something.”

“
That sounds like somethin’ a shrink would say.” He began walking again, slowly, as his mother followed along.

“
You’ve always seemed to respect Phyllis’s ideas.” No response. “Dana agrees with her.” Still no response. “Know what I think?”

“
What?” he asked, rolling his eyes as if to say
Do I have any choice but to listen?

“
I think maybe Dana’s problems are a good excuse for you to stick around. She’s doing okay, Dennis. Your sister can take care of herself.” She drew in a deep breath as they continued walking. “You know, one of the reasons I worried about Dana playing basketball at the university was because of some of the things I see happen to the star athletes in the program. Mostly the men, but some women.”

“
What, they make too much money under the table?” he snarked.

“
No,” she replied, determined to stay on message. “But they do get spoiled. Take the football players. They spend four years being coddled, treated like gods, isolated from regular campus life. We hold their hands to make sure they maintain their eligibility. Most don’t get their degrees, nor do they go on to play professional ball. And then they don’t know what to do with themselves. Even the few who go on to play professionally rarely do well. Sports pundits say we have a program that creates great college athletes and poor professional ones, because they can’t survive outside the cocoon we’ve built for them.”

“
So what’s that got to do with me? Dana’s the jock,” he noted.

“
Are you so different from those young men?” his mother asked. “You may joke about being a geek, but you’re your own kind of superstar here. School’s always been easy for you. Your best friends and sister worship you. If you stay here and go to the university, you have a better chance of maintaining the status quo. If you go to a rigorous school surrounded by other brilliant minds, you’ll be in the big leagues. You might fail.”

“
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mom,” he said snidely.

“
Then again,” she continued, “You also invite the possibility of learning more than you ever would at the university. You’ll never know how good you really are unless you play against the big boys, Dennis.”

Her smirked at her.

“
What?” she asked.

“
You sound like a coach,” he said. “Okay then, let’s run with the big boys!” He broke into a sprint, daring his panting mother to keep up with him.

Across town, Mandy and the girls had arrived back home. She seemed to have made a decision, but would not reveal what it was. After settling in, she called Gus and asked him to meet her about a block away from Lewis’s house and to bring his video camera, without explanation. By the time her friend arrived, Mandy was out of the car, leaning against the driver’s side door. He asked what was up, but her only response was, “You need a good finale for your show.”

He obediently followed as they walked down the street towards their target. Mandy said very little along the way. Gus was not sure whether she was planning on telling Lewis off or taking him back. She just assured him that it would make for good reality Web drama.

There was no answer when they knocked on the door. For a moment, she thought perhaps he was out, even though his car was parked on the street. Then they heard the sound of a lawnmower coming from the backyard. Lewis was taking advantage of the pleasant weather to do some yard work. Having been at it much of the afternoon, he was covered in sweat that clung to his shirtless torso and bare legs beneath an old pair of cut-off blue jean shorts. Upon seeing Mandy enter the backyard, Clint jumped off the porch and greeted her with wet, sloppy kisses.

Lewis stood up and shut off the mower as soon as he saw her, embarrassed that she had caught him looking so grungy. He greeted Gus, oblivious to his camera, which by now seemed like an additional appendage. “Don’t ask me, Dude,” the director shrugged. “I’m just here to document.”

“
Hi Mandy, sorry I’m so sweaty,” Lewis stammered. He grabbed a towel and tried to wipe the sweat off his face and chest, but Gus motioned him to leave it. The director knew when he had the perfect shot for his core audience of females. Lewis may have thought he looked grungy, but through the camera lens the sweat glistening off his barely dressed body created a hot, lusty image. Gus could not have staged this scene any better.