Read Tequila Mockingbird Online
Authors: Tim Federle
Y
ou haven't made it as an author till they've built a theme park around your phenomenon. First published in Englandâreportedly after seven publishers turned it downâ
Harry Potter
leapt the pond to America before zooming around the world on a magic broomstick of success. A bona fide sensation,
Harry
introduced the world to new words (Muggles), sports (Quidditch), and billionaires (J. K. Rowling). Written when she was a broke single mum, Rowling's fantastical adventures eventually became the top-grossing film series of all time. Move over, Luke Skywalker, and make room for a classic British meringue as sweet and saucy as Rowling's delectable franchise.
MAKES 4 SERVINGS
4 cups fresh mixed berries (all varieties), washed
1 tablespoon granulated sugar
5 teaspoons pomegranate juice (like POM Wonderful)
½ ounce lemon juice
2 cups whipping cream
4 small store-bought meringues
Toss together the berries, sugar, and juices in a bowl, then set aside. Whip your cream in another bowl and crumble the meringue on top. Add half the berry mixture to the meringue-cream, folding over once. Dollop into four containers (ramekins or glass mugs work just fine) and top the whole affair off with the remaining berries. The result could have children (and adults) lined up around the block overnight.
Q
uixotic, indeed: fed up with the lack of chivalry in his day and ageâand this was the 1600s!âthe retired Alonso Quijano changes his name to Don Quixote, throws on a suit of armor, and sets out for adventure with a fat sidekick and a model-thin horse. He meets whores, priests, and convicts, and if that sounds like a setup to a joke, you're right:
Don Quixote
is an elaborate romantic parody that, though written in two parts that were separated by a decade, is best consumed in one volume. Our classic shrimp cocktail gets a galloping-hot Spanish twist, with a result that's impossibly dreamyâand good fuel for your next quest.
MAKES 3 SERVINGS
½ cup ketchup
2 tablespoons horseradish
1½ ounces lemon juice
1 jalapeño pepper, seeded and diced
Salt and pepper, to taste
Hot sauce, to taste
10 to 15 fresh jumbo shrimp (about ½ pound), cooked and peeled
Cook the shrimp (or thaw according to the package directions, if frozen). Combine the ingredients, except the shrimp, in a small bowl, then spoon the sauce into three stemless wine glassesâyou know, the kind that wobble all over the place. Arrange the shrimp artfully along the glass rims, and your guests will be tilting at windmills.
Chug
your ale each time Dickens introduces a new character in
Great Expectations.
Pour
a cold drink over your head every time you get an awkward boner during
Lolita.
Take a sip
of communion wine for every Biblical sin you've committed. Start at Genesis.
Do a shot
each time you look over your shoulder during
1984
. Two shots if you get up to close the curtains.
Slam a Red Bull
every time you turn the page in
Wuthering Heights
. Just to stay awake, actually.
Never
stop
drinking
during
Flowers for Algernon
.
Take turns trying to recite the infamous 11,282-word sentence from
Ulysses
in one breath.
The person who stops first must drink most.
Get x copies of
The Shining
and x number of friends.
In three rounds, race to find a specific word (“ax”; “hotel”; “scream”). The last to find each has to take a shot of (red) rum.
Smuggle booze into a library.
Pull book titles out of the card catalog at random, playing “Never have I ever” with the classics: “Never have I ever read
The Great Gatsby
,” etc. All who
have
read the book in question must take a swig from the bottle. Scholars get smashed.
Divide into teams.
Lay a giant old edition of
The Canterbury Tales
open on a table. Take turns bouncing quarters, attempting to land them on top of the book. The losing teamâthat which lands the fewest quartersâmust present a drunk oral report on
The Canterbury Tales
by dawn.
Trade off reading any of Shakespeare's short sonnets aloud.
After your turn, try to explainâin plain Englishâwhat the Bard was actually attempting to say. The person most obviously bullshitting must move to England and open a pub.
Each already-tipsy participant reads a passage from
The Bell Jar
aloud.
S/he who cries hardest must be cut off from alcohol immediately. It is suggested that the group embrace and then gently rock her/him.
Ounces to grams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . | multiply ounces by 28.35 |
Pounds to grams . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . | multiply pounds by 453.5 |
Cups to liters . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . | multiply cups by .24 |
Fahrenheit to centigrade . . . . . . . . . . . . | subtract 32 from Fahrenheit, multiply by 5, and divide by 9 |
U.S. | METRIC | Â |
â
tsp. | 0.6 ml | Â |
¼ tsp. | 1.2 ml |  |
½ tsp. | 2.5 ml |  |
¾ tsp. | 3.7 ml |  |
1 tsp. | 5 ml | Â |
1½ tsp. | 7.4 ml |  |
2 tsp. | 10 ml | Â |
1 Tbsp. | 15 ml | Â |
1½ Tbsp. | 22 ml |  |
2 Tbsp. (â
cup) | 30 ml | 1 fl. oz |
3 Tbsp. | 45 ml | Â |
¼ cup | 59 ml | 2 fl. oz |
â
cup | 79 ml | Â |
½ cup | 118 ml | 4 fl. oz |
â
cup | 158 ml | Â |
¾ cup | 178 ml | 6 fl. oz |
1 cup | 237 ml | 8 fl. oz |
1¼ cups | 300 ml |  |
1½ cups | 355 ml |  |
1¾ cups | 425 ml |  |
2 cups (1 pint) | 500 ml | 16 fl. oz |
3 cups | 725 ml | Â |
4 cups (1 quart) | .95 liters | 32 fl. oz |
16 cups (1 gallon) | 3.8 liters | 128 fl. oz |
DEGREES FAHRENHEIT | DEGREES CENTIGRADE | BRITISH GAS MARKS |
200° |   93° | â |
250° | 120° | ½ |
275° | 140° | 1 |
300° | 150° | 2 |
325° | 165° | 3 |
350° | 175° | 4 |
375° | 190° | 5 |
400° | 200° | 6 |
450° | 230° | 8 |
U.S. | Â Â METRIC |
1 oz | Â Â 28 g |
2 oz | Â Â 57 g |
3 oz | Â Â 85 g |
4 oz | 113 g |
5 oz | 142 g |
6 oz | 170 g |
7 oz | 198 g |
8 oz | 227 g |
16 oz (1 lb.) | 454 g |
2.2 lbs. | 1 kilogram |
U.S. | Â Â METRIC |
2 tsp. | Â Â 10 g |
1 Tbsp. | Â Â 15 g |
1½ Tbsp. | 22.5 g |
2 Tbsp. (1 oz) | Â Â 27 g |
3 Tbsp. | Â Â 42 g |
4 Tbsp. | Â Â 56 g |
4 oz. (1 stick) | 110 g |
8 oz. (2 sticks) | 220 g |
U.S. | METRIC |
¼ inch |     .65 cm |
½ inch |   1.25 cm |
1 inch | Â Â 2.50 cm |
2 inches | Â Â 5.00 cm |
3 inches | Â Â 6.00 cm |
4 inches | Â Â 8.00 cm |
5 inches | 11.00 cm |
6 inches | 15.00 cm |
7 inches | 18.00 cm |
8 inches | 20.00 cm |
9 inches | 23.00 cm |
12 inches | 30.50 cm |
15 inches | 38.00 cm |