Tessa Ever After (16 page)

He’s quiet, and then he blows out a breath. “I’m sorry, man.”

“For what?”

“I feel like an ass.”

“Well, you are an ass, but I’m used to it by now.”

“I’m serious. You’ve been dealing with all this shit, and I’ve been an asshole best friend, doing nothing but badgering you about Tess.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“For what it’s worth, I think you should tell them to go fuck themselves.”

“Yeah, you and everyone else.” And I’d love to. I’d love nothing more than to give them the finger and turn around, walk away, and never look back.

But the thing is, I didn’t grow up in the house Tessa and Cade did. I didn’t grow up with a set of parents who loved me unconditionally, who pushed me toward my interests, who supported me in my choices. I grew up with two people who cared more about what my decisions would look like to their friends at the country club than what was best for me, what would make me happy. And even though I’ve spent the last however many years doing everything I could to push the limits—taking as long as I
possibly could toward my undergrad degree, racking up a reputation that I knew would reflect poorly on them—I’ve always known just how far I can go, just how much they’ll bend. In the end, after everything they’ve piled on me, all the unreasonable expectations they’ve set, I’m still seeking their approval. Especially now that my grandpa is gone—the one and only person in my family who ever assured me I was worth more than just what I could do for someone.

That I’m still seeking their approval is a pretty fucked-up thing, considering I’ll never get it. I’ll never fit into the image they have in their minds of the perfect son.

I’ve never been that guy, and I never will be.

FOURTEEN

tessa

Paige was so sure last night on the phone, her voice unwavering as she told me exactly what I needed to do. I wish I had her confidence for only five minutes. To be so
certain
about something must be refreshing. For as long as I can remember, that’s been missing. I feel like I’ve done nothing but second-guess every decision I’ve ever made since that morning in the bathroom five years ago, staring at a stick that linked me to a future I never knew I wanted—at least not at seventeen.

Everything I do now is done with Haley in the back of my mind. How it’ll affect her,
if
it will . . . if it makes me the kind of person I’d want my daughter to look up to. And as for last night, letting some guy get me off against a wall? No, I can’t say I’m very proud of that person, not as a role model for her.

While it felt good in the moment—it felt
amazing
in the
moment—I can’t help but wonder if it was a mistake. Not the
what
but the
how.
We could’ve waited longer. Gone out on a date or two, gotten to know each other as something other than the friends we’ve been for the last fifteen years. Hell, we could’ve walked down the hall to the living room so we weren’t right up against the wall outside Haley’s bedroom.

I exhale a deep breath and close my eyes, letting it go. There’s nothing I can do about what happened last night, and though a part of me knows it was irresponsible . . . the other part is still tingling with memories of every moment of our time together and wondering when it can happen again.

I glance down at Haley, snuggled against me in my bed, her cheek puffed out against my chest as she smiles at the cartoon on TV. This has been our Saturday morning ritual for as long as I can remember. At first, it was started for purely selfish reasons—so I could sneak in a few more minutes of that ever-elusive sleep when I was an exhausted, new mother working my ass off while going to school. And, admittedly, catching another half hour of sleep still happens sometimes, but it’s grown into something more. She’s always more open in the mornings, and definitely more so when she’s preoccupied with animated characters. It’s my secret mom-weapon for getting her to talk about stuff she otherwise might not. I only hope it continues when she gets older.

A commercial comes on, the TV losing her attention, and she twists around to lie on her stomach, propped up on her elbows as she stares at me.

“What’re we doin’ today, Mama?”

I reach up, brushing her hair away from her face. “I’m not sure. What do you want to do?”

“Get ice cream!”

“Baby, it’s, like, twenty degrees outside and you want ice cream?”

“I
always
want ice cream.”

I laugh. “Me, too. I think it’s supposed to storm today, though, so maybe we can have a campout in the living room with ice cream instead of going out. I have double fudge brownie in the freezer . . .” I say with a grin.

Her eyes get wide, a smile stretching her face, and I love her so much it hurts. She’s perfect—the best parts of me mixed with an amazing array of traits that are all hers. When I get down on myself, frustrated with everything I’m not doing right, I just need to look at her. Stop and really look, because she reminds me of exactly everything I’m doing right.

“Can we do a slumber party in the living room? And do makeup? I’ll try not to get blipstick all over your face again.”

My smile grows until it nearly splits my face in half. I’m going to miss these days when she eventually says all her words right and doesn’t want to spend undivided time with me.

“Yeah, we can. Maybe we’ll paint our toenails, too.”

“
Yes!
” she hisses, flopping on her back and wriggling around in her excitement. She freezes and flips back over, her head popping up, her hair a mess on her head, partially covering her face. “Can Jay come, too?”

I freeze from pushing her hair back again, all the nerves that faded into the background leaping to the front once again. “I don’t think he’d like to have his toenails painted very much.”

“We don’t have to do
that
, but he can watch movies with us and have ice cream and popcorn and maybe read to me in those
funny voices and this time he can bring his jammies so there’s no scratchy jeans.”

While I always knew that whatever I did in my social life would affect Haley, this is like a slap in the face and exactly the kind of reminder I need. Haley is already invested in this thing with Jason. Regardless of whether or not anything romantic happens between us, he’s situated himself so far into my little girl’s life that she can’t see it without him. She asks for him when he’s not around, she clings to him when he is, and she loves him every minute in between.

I only hope Paige is right about the outcome from last night. Because if there’s fallout from my actions, if something happens thanks to my choices, I’m not the only one who’s going to be affected.

•   •   •

IT CAN’T BE
more than a half hour later with me dozing in and out of a light sleep when Haley gets restless, notifying me there’s another commercial on. She’s squirming and bouncing on the bed, trying to tickle me while she giggles hysterically, when I think I hear something. Immediately, I’m wide awake.

“Shh, baby, be quiet a minute.”

Her giggles die off, and then just the soft cadence of the commercial meets my ears, the rest of the house silent. When I relax back against the bed, she starts up again, giggling and bouncing, and this time I
know
I hear something. For a second, I panic, my entire body going taut as I prepare to reach for the baseball bat Cade made sure I had by my bed. And then I hear Jason’s voice booming through the house, and I panic for another reason entirely.

“Hello?”

“Jay!” Haley’s eyes are as wide as her smile when she bounces off the bed and tears out of my room and down the hall.

I glance down, seeing the ratty tank top and flannel pajama pants I slept in last night, knowing without a doubt my hair is a crazy mess on my head. I’m wearing no makeup, and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet. I throw the covers back and fly out of bed, slipping into the bathroom before Haley can drag Jason down the hallway.

One look in the mirror proves my fears, and I finger comb through my hair to get it in some sort of order, then proceed to scrub the remnants of last night’s mascara from under my eyes. A quick swig of mouthwash, a swipe of my toothbrush, and a couple slaps on my cheeks later, I slip out again and follow the sound of laughter. Instead of my bedroom, where I thought Haley would take him to show him her favorite cartoon, I find them in the kitchen, Haley perched on a stool, her butt bouncing as she kneels, animatedly telling Jason a story.

In the middle of Haley’s explanation of what words start with their letter of the week, Jason glances over her head and our eyes meet. His are deep and dark and bottomless, and they’re focused completely, intently on me.

When I was alone with my thoughts, stuck in an empty bed last night, it was easy to brush all my feelings aside, assure myself I was mistaken. That I didn’t feel this overwhelming want around him. That it wasn’t as all-consuming as I imagined.

But here . . . now . . . when he’s standing ten feet away, his gaze spreading over me like fire? I realize I’m a liar and I’m very good at pretending.

Except he doesn’t look like he has any interest at all in pretending.

jason

Before I could second-guess myself, I got up and showered this morning, stopped off to grab some donuts because Haley loves them, and headed over to Tessa’s. I needed to see her, despite any lingering apprehension I had. And that need made me feel like a pussy, but I didn’t even care.

With my parents taking every ounce of independence I have left, taking any choice I had in my future away, taking away the hope I had of doing the one thing I always enjoyed, I want this. Selfishly and foolishly, but neither are going to stop me.

I knock a couple times with no answer, so I use my key to let myself in, figuring Tess is preoccupied or just can’t hear me. After calling out a hello, I hear Haley’s voice echoing down the hallway, and then her tiny feet are pounding the floors. She crashes into the back of my legs as I’m walking into the kitchen to drop off the donuts.

“Hey, shorty. What’s shakin’?”

“Nothin’. Did ya bring me a donut?”

I lean down and slowly open the box for her to peek in. Whispering, I say, “I brought you
two.
”

Her eyes crinkle as her mouth splits in her wide smile. She climbs up on the stool to sit and digs into her chocolate-covered with rainbow sprinkles, all the while telling me about her week at preschool and day care, even though she already told me some
version of it last night. Haley doesn’t even pay attention when her mom comes into the room behind her, but I can’t help but glance up. Tessa’s hair is messy and sexy as hell, her face flushed, and before I can stop myself, I glance down, taking a quick sweep of the rest of her. And for one minute, I almost wish I hadn’t, because she is abso-fucking-lutely not wearing a bra, and the sight of her nipples pressing against the not-nearly-thin-enough material of her tank top makes me want to groan. And then press her up against a wall and have a repeat of last night, this time without the blue balls that accompanied it.

It isn’t until Haley pokes at my hand repeatedly that I remember there’s someone else here besides the two of us, and thinking about anything at all having to do with Tessa’s tits is wholly inappropriate right now, despite what my dick thinks.

“Well, do ya?”

Shaking my head to clear it, I glance down at Haley’s face, her mouth covered in smears of chocolate. “Um, yeah, sure.” I don’t even know what I’m saying yes to, but it’s pretty obvious I don’t say no to much where this one is concerned.

“
Yesss!
Last one has to be middle!”

Without another glance, she climbs down from the stool and runs out of the kitchen.

“Do not climb into my bed before you wash your face and hands, Haley Grace!” Tessa yells down the hall toward the retreating form of her daughter before she turns back to me. Once her gaze meets mine, she lifts her eyebrows in question. Her look of surprise makes me panic for a minute about what I actually accepted from Haley.