Texts from Bennett (20 page)

Bennett had a burning desire to prove himself to me. It was endearing. Someone reforming themselves from a hard-core hoodlum to even a mere semi-hard-core hoodlum is quite impressive.

“You can do it, man.”

“Aiight, mane. Fa sho. I’ll try to find another job.”

I don’t know if I was just emotionally beaten to shit, but I really liked Bennett right then. He was acquiescing to a logical and beneficial arrangement. Even though I was lying and just wanted to be codependent on him and Lillian for a while, I was proud of his willingness to help out.

“Let’s do it!”

“Gangsta shit, homie. We gon’ get dis money.”

Bennett pounded my fist with his, and that was that. That started it all.

•

For the next few weeks, Bennett busted his ass at Popeyes, sold weed and the rest of Harper’s pills, and looked around for other jobs. For the next few weeks, I toured around America doing shows, sold instrumentals to aspiring rappers online, and attempted to mend my severely broken heart.

I hate being melodramatic, but I can genuinely say that the only things that made me smile throughout those days were Bennett’s warped and accidentally brilliant text messages. Though I did have to sift through a lot of really stupid ones to get to the good ones.

Part 5

da sandwitch theary is simpel.. when u talk 2 a girl sandwitch sumthin kinda rude in batween 2 complimates

dont flat out diss da bitch.. but say sumthin nice, den a kinda playfull insult,, den sumthin nice agin.. be like

wow u r very pretty

i think u cud put on sum cuter shoez next time ur arnd gr8niss like me but watever

i luv ur outfit

u can make up ur own . . . jus make sure its a sandwitch.. she will like da complimits an wanna proove herself 2 u afta da disses

BENNETT:
how tour goin

ME:
Good, man, had a nice crowd tonight.

BENNETT:
wat city R u in rt now?

ME:
Boston.

BENNETT:
ah.fucc boston nigga fucc da red sox

ME:
Huh?

ME:
Why do you dislike the Boston Red Sox?

BENNETT:
U ack like u Dont no wat gang i reprazent ? Ea$t Side Avalon Crip gang homie i bang da Blue flag fucc da bitch ass Red sox

ME:
Let me get this straight, you dislike the Boston Red Sox because “Red” is in their name?

BENNETT:
well thnk abt it gang bangen is a unaversal thang playa im sure Dat back in da sival war days wen baseball startid their was bloodz an cripz

BENNETT:
dats my point.niggaz been part of da gang war for hundrids of decades

ME:
Wow. You sound very high. How often do you get high? Why are you awake?

BENNETT:
shit it depend on how much scrilla i got.. a nigga cant sleep cuz im going thru weed withdralls !

ME:
Do you need money to buy some weed?

BENNETT:
nah im gud. today i knocced on an old ladys door and told her i was a jahovas witnesses and needed 20$ for jesus

ME:
I’m in tears.

ME:
Hahahaha!!!!

ME:
Did she give it to you? That’s horrible, I shouldn’t laugh.

BENNETT:
na she said i cud help her around da house doe

BENNETT:
so i got a new job its pretty coo

ME:
Oh yeah? Doing what?

BENNETT:
taken care of da old ladys house

BENNETT:
Yo !! she keep her teith in a glass itz so nasty

ME:
Really? You work for the old lady who thinks you’re a Jehovah’s Witness?

BENNETT:
ya

ME:
Wow. I’m suddenly scared.

BENNETT:
nah she my homegirl we jus chill all day

BENNETT:
i make her lunch and kicc it at her crib and help her

BENNETT:
we wuz lisanin to 2PAC today an she cudnt even hear it she just sat their sleepin wit her mouth open

BENNETT:
wanna buy sum vicadin ? she also got sum shit called blood thiner

ME:
Dude, don’t you DARE sell her medication. You’re kidding right?

BENNETT:
naa she coo man she dont even ramember my name she always like hello son want a buttar scotch

BENNETT:
she talk about dis nigga Rudy she went to prom wit all dam day sayin Rudy gnna cum git her for prom

BENNETT:
im like relax girl Rudy aint cummen its yung Bennett eat your salid

BENNETT:
she was born in 1742

ME:
What’s her name?

BENNETT:
uhhhh

BENNETT:
valdessa.i just call her V

ME:
How old is she?

BENNETT:
81

ME:
Ha. Ok. Does she have family?

BENNETT:
ya her son . . . dis fat nigga name steve

BENNETT:
he bug me . he cum to her house evaryday sayen shit.

BENNETT:
he always like Benjimin do da dishes and landry . 1st off my nigga da name aint benjimin its Bennett aka Money Baggz Bennett

BENNETT:
2nd i cant even do no landry ! i dont no how

BENNETT:
So i gatta hide her dirty cloths under her bed

ME:
What if she runs out of clothes because you put them all under her bed?

BENNETT:
ill quit

BENNETT:
or tell steve mexicins did it

BENNETT:
I hate him.but its coo wen steve aint their i party with her

BENNETT:
2day i put shadez on her and a bandanna and made heR say funny shit

ME:
Don’t be cruel. Lol. I can’t believe I’m laughing.

ME:
Seriously, don’t be cruel.

BENNETT:
she was laffin 2 i swear.

BENNETT:
she thinxs it fun to kicc it wit me

BENNETT:
nigga ladys of all type luv me old new black wite im so charmming

BENNETT:
we jus party da hole time

BENNETT:
2day i wuz makin her say shit like

BENNETT:
brake yoself U bitch ass nigga !

BENNETT:
and

BENNETT:
east side ridaz !

BENNETT:
i tryed to make her throw up the east side E with her hand but she said she cudnt bcuz of a painfull diseez in her hand called art ritus

ME:
Arthritis?

BENNETT:
ya wat is dat?

BENNETT:
i was saprised to lern dat their r diseezes dat pravint u from throwin up gang signs . sciense is fuccd up

ME:
When do you get paid next? I need to pay the electric bill asap.

BENNETT:
i gat sum cash in da basment at home U can grab it if U need it im gng out with my nigga Leshaun afta wrk

ME:
It’s all good. Can you give it to me by tomorrow morning?

BENNETT:
fa sho

BENNETT:
were u at u shud cum get high wit us

ME:
Ha, you go ahead. I don’t really like smoking weed, sir.

BENNETT:
why

ME:
It honestly makes me kind of paranoid. Smoking pot makes life feel fragile for me.

ME:
I have stuff going on in my life right now and getting high would make it a lot worse.

BENNETT:
U sound like a lil girl scout who didnt git a pony for her birth day.!

BENNETT:
man smoken weed make evarythin better.its like medasin for Ur mind..

BENNETT:
Gorge Washingten smokd weed evary day , da Whitehouse has a speshil room Jus 4 smoken da lovly herb

BENNETT:
plus da constatushan was wrote on hemp paper

ME:
So that’s where the George Washington pot-smoking tall tale is these days? Haha, it’s evolved over the years.

BENNETT:
it’s a conspieresy negro

BENNETT:
how cum weed is allegal?

ME:
Honestly? I don’t know.

BENNETT:
da problam is dat all da polaticains dat made weed allegal are all in2 god an shit. but god made weed.

BENNETT:
why da goverment cockblockin my nigga God? he want us to hav weed let us smoke!

BENNETT:
i bet if i smoke at church God will give me miracels

BENNETT:
4 real imma go 2 church an smoke in da back of da sanctiary den try to walk a cross a pool an see if i can walk on water dat wud be da shit

ME:
You do that.

ME:
In the meantime, I have a date.

BENNETT:
U gat a date ? is she dope?

ME:
She’s ok. Kinda boring and clingy. Luckily, I’m in Seattle, so it won’t really matter.

BENNETT:
duz she got nice tittys

ME:
I don’t know. Or care. I give up.

ME:
I think I’m gonna just get married. I’ve realized all women are pretty much the same.

BENNETT:
U jus now realizen dis? havent i ever tolld u da ass theary?

ME:
No, what is the ass theory?

BENNETT:
no matta how perfict and nice an ass looks. poop comes out of it evary day. jus like bitches. no matta how pretty a bitch is she still annoyeng as FUK.

ME:
Ha. That’s kinda true.

BENNETT:
dam rt its tru dats why im da super bowl champien of gittin pussy i got 10 trofys

ME:
Who would’ve guessed that you would have an accurate philosophy on something?

BENNETT:
i got billans of dem hommie.i have a 11 commandmints list for bitchez dats commandmint 5

BENNETT:
i no ur older den me but im gnna tell U dem n e wayz mayby dey cud help U

BENNETT:
let me tell dem 2 u

BENNETT:
k ?

ME:
You have an 11 commandments list? Like . . . one you wrote?

BENNETT:
ya

ME:
And the list is about pulling girls?

BENNETT:
ya i spent all sophmor yr mastering how to git chiccs. Let me give u my list..it will help Ur broken heartd ass

This seemed far from plausible and close to bizarre. Bennett can’t even spell the word commandments. Literally. How could he have an eleven commandments list for getting women? Seemed hokey.

ME:
Okay, give me ONE. Not two, not ten. ONE. Let me read one.

BENNETT:
witch 1 ?

ME:
Uh . . . lol . . . pick one?

BENNETT:
hear cums

BENNETT:
5. Thou shalt alweys take a shit before goin out

ME:
What?

BENNETT:
have u ever weighted urself b4 u took a poop

BENNETT:
poopd.den weighted urself after da poop ?

ME:
Have I ever stood on a scale and weighed myself before taking a shit, took the shit, then weighed myself after taking that same shit?

BENNETT:
yes

ME:
Haha. Actually, yes. I have.

BENNETT:
an u didnt weight as much huh?