That Baby (50 page)

“How am I supposed to calm down, Phillip? I killed our baby! I wish I were dead too!”

Phillips eyes widen in shock. “Princess, I sat by your side and told you over and over that the baby was okay. That we needed you to get better. They said you'd hear me.”

I freeze. Stop crying. Shake my head.
 

Try to find my voice.

“What? No! The baby is okay? Really? It’s not dead?”

“No, he isn’t,” Phillip says, running his hand across my face. “He had a low Apgar score at first, but he's fine now. Do you wanna meet him?”
 

I put my hand over my mouth, my whole body shaking, unable to control the emotions flooding me.
 

I can't get the words out. “
Him?
It’s . . . A . . . Boy?”

“Yes.
Him
.”

“Phillip, is he okay? Normal? Healthy? He was blue. He didn’t cry.”

“He looked blue to me, too. Really blue. I thought he was dead. They took him away so fast and I just assumed. Then everything happened with you.” He squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile. “They said as soon as he took his first breath, he turned the normal pink color. He’s perfect. I promise.”

“Where is he?”

“In the nursery.”

“You’re supposed to lay the baby on the mother’s chest right away. What if he doesn’t recognize me? What if we don’t bond? How long have I been out?”

“You were in the ICU for thirty-six hours. It’s Sunday morning. I couldn’t bring the baby into the ICU, but he and I have been talking about you the whole time.”

“Talking about me?”

“Yes, I explained that giving birth was difficult for you and you needed a little time to get better, but that you couldn’t wait to meet him. He understands.” Phillip looks so tired but so incredibly sweet. “I’ve been reading him stories too. The ones you bought.”

“
Barnyard Dance
?”

“That’s his absolute favorite,” Phillip says. “He coos when I read it to him. I’ll have Danny come sit with you while I go get him.”

“Danny's here?”

“Danny hasn’t left your side. I don't think I would’ve gotten through this without him. It was a relief to have him stay with you when I needed to be with our baby.”

Our baby.

He rushes to the door but stops and comes back.
 

He kisses my hand. Kisses my forehead. Kisses my dry lips.
 

“I love you, Princess.”

“I love you too, Phillip.”

I watch the man of my dreams, my heaven on Earth, walk out of the room.
 

Part of me wonders if I’m dreaming.
 

Or if I’m finally in the real heaven.

But then Danny wanders into the room looking lost. It’s obvious he hasn’t slept much. The dark circles under his eyes have always showed a lack of sleep on his light skin.
 

“You look like shit,” I smile and say, realizing this is real. That I’m alive.

He shakes his head at me and runs his hand through his hair.

“I should look like shit. Do you know how badly you scared us? You
died
, Jay.”

“Phillip said you’ve been here the whole time.”

He sits next to me and grabs my hand, his eyes filling with tears. “I wasn’t there for you when your parents died. No way was I going to leave when Phillip needed me.”

I laugh. “Oh, so it was just for his sake, huh?”

“That and I love you. You look like you’ve been crying.”

“I love you too. I thought the baby died, Danny. It sounds weird—don’t tell anyone—but I saw my dad, and he and I watched them take the baby out of me. There was blood everywhere. The baby didn’t cry. I thought we were waiting for the baby to come to heaven with us.”

“Then what happened?”

“I heard Phillip yell,
Princess, don’t you dare leave me
.”

“But you did.”

“
I saw kids playing on a swing set Phillip built. You and Lori were there, but he was with someone else. It broke my heart.”

“He’d never get over losing you. You know that. Neither would I.” He hands me a water bottle and says, “Drink this. Your voice sounds hoarse.”

I sip from a straw, savoring the coolness on my throat.
 

“Speaking of
losing
. Phillip said it’s Sunday morning. Aren’t you supposed to be playing football today?”

“Hey,” he says. “I’m not a loser, and that’s not a very nice thing to say to someone who has been worried about you.”

“How am I supposed to watch you play, if you’re here?”

He smacks my hand. “What part of
you were dead
don’t you understand?”

“Was I really dead?”

“Phillip was with you in surgery when your heart stopped. They rushed him out of the room. Called code red or blue or whatever they do. When I got here, Phillip told me you were gone. But I guess they worked on you. Zapped you or whatever they do to make your heart start beating again. They didn’t tell us they revived you for almost an hour. It was the longest hour of my life. Phillip was inconsolable. And even once they told us they had revived you, they couldn’t assure us you’d be fine, and we didn’t know what to expect when you woke up.”

“You always said my mom must have dropped me on my head when I was a kid.” I laugh.
 

He rolls his eyes at me. “Well, obviously, your memory is still in tact.”

“You should also know that I drafted you as my fantasy football quarterback and if you don’t play tonight, I’ll start the season in last place.”

“Out of all the quarterbacks you could have drafted, you chose me? You must have gotten a shitty pick.”

“I had first pick, Danny.”
 

“But you should have taken Brady or Manning. Rogers.”

“Danny, this is your first full season. It's your team. You’re not the replacement or the backup. You're the starting quarterback for a professional football team. Exactly where we all knew you'd be. It's your time to shine. There’s no other quarterback I’d want on my team. I don't care how many rings they have. And if I win, I’ll get like seventy-two dollars.”

He pips my finger and looks at his watch. “Oh, sure. That’s why you’re trying to get rid of me.”

I look at him seriously. “I really appreciate you being here with Phillip. A lot, Danny.”

“Nowhere else I’d be. His parents are here too. I understand you were upset with Phillip’s mom before you left.”

“I blew up.”

“She chewed his ass, just so you know.”

“Why?”

“Because he should’ve talked to her about it.”

“I should have talked to her about it too, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Honestly, it was Lori—”

“I’m sorry I made you go over there. She told me what she said. She feels really bad about everything that’s happened lately. When she apologizes, do you think you can forgive her? For me?”

I nod. “Of course, I will.”

Danny smiles at me. “I’m glad you’re not dead.”

“I am too.”

Phillip walks into the room carrying a little bundle wrapped in the blue and white cloud blanket I bought just the other day. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him look more handsome. When he was in here a few minutes ago, he looked exhausted. Now, he’s practically glowing.
 

The beaming look of pride he has trumps every single moment I saw on Heaven TV.

I can’t believe he’s carrying
our
baby.
 

He lays the bundle in my arms.
 

The most perfect baby stares up at me with wide, blue eyes. His eyes are framed with dark eyelashes even though he has a tuft of blonde hair. He has adorably chubby cheeks and perfect lips. His mouth forms a little O-shape and he coos at me.

“He’s so beautiful,” I whisper, still in awe of how perfectly perfect he is. I rub my lips across his feather soft hair. “And he smells so good.”
 

I try to open up the blanket, but my IV gets caught.
 

Phillip helps me, revealing ten toes.
 

“Oh my gosh, he has your feet, Phillip!” I laugh, looking at his long, bony toes. “Look, Danny! He has Skeletor toes already!”

Danny laughs.
 

“But he looks just like you,” Phillip says, dreamily.

“Do you really think so?”

“Looks like a little old man to me,” Danny teases.

Phillip ignores him. “My mom has a picture of us as babies and he looks just like you did.”

“But he has your mouth,” I say.

“Did Phillip tell you he named the baby?” Danny asks with a naughty smirk.

“Oh, Phillip, you didn’t. If you named him Otto, I swear—”

He puts his pinkie next to the baby’s hand, and I watch in marvelous wonder as the baby grasps ahold of it.
 

“What? I thought you loved that name.”
 

I nod my head toward the door and motion to Danny with my eyes. “Don’t you have somewhere you need to be?”
 

“I’m not sure if I should play.”

“Danny, you need to.”

He kisses my head. “Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

When he gets to the doorway, he stops, turns around, and lets out a deep sigh.
 

“What?” I ask.
 

He grabs the duffle bag that we had packed for the hospital. “After what you went through with your heart and all, I probably shouldn’t scare you.” He pulls the Husker gnome out of the bag and sets it on the bedside table.
 

“I wondered when that thing was going to turn up,” Phillip laughs.
 

“It’s been in your bag since you packed it. I thought you’d get a kick out of having it during the labor process, but Jay ruined my brilliant plan with all of her drama.”

I laugh with them but purposefully roll my eyes toward the door.

He holds up his hands. “Fine! I’m going!”

“I need lots of passing yards, please.”

Danny plugs his ears as he walks out. “I didn’t hear you.”

Phillip sits on the bed and grins at me, then runs his hand across the baby’s forehead, just like he does mine when I’m stressed.
 

“Chase Michael Mackenzie, meet your mommy.”

“You gave him my dad’s middle name? We didn’t talk about that.”

“I know, but it just felt right. Did Danny tell you any of what happened?”

“Yeah, kind of.”

“Did he tell you that we thought you were dead for what felt like an eternity?”

“He did. I’m sorry you had to go through that, Phillip.”

Phillip nods, tears welling up in his eyes. He wraps his arm around me. “I love you.”

“I heard you, Phillip.”

“What do you mean?”

“I didn’t hear you when you talked to me after the surgery, but when you said,
Don’t leave me, Princess,
I heard you. I never want to leave you.”

Emotions rip through me. Joy. Happiness. Relief.
 

And love.
 

Most of all, an overwhelming, deep in my soul, all-consuming love.

“We have a present for you,” he says with a grin.

“
We
?”

“Yes, me and Chase.” He pulls my charm bracelet out of his pocket and puts it on my wrist.
 

I spot the new charm immediately. A star that’s sparkling with diamonds.
 

“It’s beautiful,” I say.
 

“Do you know why we got a star?”

“Heaven?” I guess.

“At the swings before I proposed again, you told me that you’d always loved me but that our love felt too big and you felt small in comparison. I didn’t completely understand what you meant. But I do now. The love I feel for you and this little guy,” he says, squeezing my hand, “is almost overwhelming. Like the stars we used to stare at. My love for you both is the size of the universe.”

I kiss the baby’s head. “I love you, Chase Michael Mackenzie. Thank you for the charm.”
 

And then I kiss Phillip.