That Which Destroys Me (25 page)

I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. Finished. She’s mine. Period.

It feels like I run smack into a glass wall that someone Windexed the hell out of when he leans down and she greedily accepts his kiss.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. What the hell is going on?

My feet are cemented to the floor.

I shake my head trying to clear these… these delusions. Please God, let them be caused by my mind playing tricks on me. Please.

A red mist floods my vision as I watch my woman in the arms of another man. She is MINE.

Stell’s smiling up at him like… Shit, like she smiles up at me—or used to smile up at me!

Hell no! No. I’m Wesley fucking Jacobs. If I say it’s mine, then it’s mine! And that damn smile, that damn woman –
is mine!

I storm toward them my fury like a tornado and ram my shoulder against into Jude’s hard enough to cause him to back-peddle several steps to keep from busting his ass. Immediately my hand circles Stella’s arm yanking her toward my office. I growl over my shoulder at Barby, “No one. And I mean
NO ONE
is to disturb us, is that understood?”

Her eyes are as wide as saucers as she nods her head.

I slam the door to my office locking it before spinning around and glaring at her. I watch her ease slowly further and further away. 

“I do not know what in the HELL you think you’re doing, but IT STOPS NOW!” I roar advancing towards her with my pointer finger stabbing the air with each word. “Are you fucking him? Is that what’s going on? That weaseling author that has been chasing after you since day one I’m towering over her tiny frame as I stare into her terrified face. I grab her chin harshly, my fingertips biting and bruising her pale flesh. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FIXING YOURSELF! HELPING YOURSELF! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE REALIZING THAT SUBMISSION IS THE KEY TO STOPPING YOUR NIGHTMARES! NOT OFF FUCKING VANILLAS!”

I release her face and step away from her to keep myself from bending her over my desk and tearing the skin off her ass. I shove my hands through my hair as I begin to pace the length of my office.

“How am I supposed to come to the conclusion or understand that my submitting to you will stop these nightmares that plague me EVERY damn night since YOU shut me out, WHEN I DON’T HAVE MY DOM TO SUBMIT TOO? Huh? HOW, WESLEY?!?!”

“How? What?!” I stop pacing and stare at her in confusion.

No - wait. Why does her argument stack against mine with the same amount of weight? Is it my need to have her tipping the scales? Am I allowing my mind to rationalize something irrational just to selfishly gain what I want - what I’ve been starving for?

She pulls her shoulders back, standing taller before speaking, “If my submission is essential then how, Wesley, will I ever figure it out without my Dom? A submissive isn’t a submissive without her Dom there to demand she submit.”

What the hell am I fighting for? I can’t even remember the rationalization behind my argument. All I can manage to do is stare blankly at her and blink, trying to remember why the fuck I thought leaving my sub was the correct thing to do as a Dom.

SAFE WORD.

“You safe worded out, Stella! You might as well have cut me off at the knees, not because you used your safe word, but because you used it when you were panicked. You took your trust from me when you read too much into my question. Instead of relying on me, trusting me enough to realize I would not ask a question with intentions of trapping you. What you did, Stella, was total bullshit! You used your safe word to dominate
me!
Do you not understand that?”

Yeah! There it is! I knew I had a point, dammit!

I watch her face as my words settle between us. Confusion, denial, anger, defeat, resignation, shame, all flash across her features. When her eyes slowly rise and meet mine, I see cold determination.

In a tone as icy as her mask, she replies, “I understand now. But before you explained it to me?” She shakes her head, “No, I didn’t. I’m entirely too new to this lifestyle to even grasp concepts at that level. You are the only man I’ve been with consensually. You are also the only man I have ever handed my total and complete trust over to. The only man I’ve willingly submitted to. The only man I’ve freely allowed to Dominate me. As my first teacher ,Wesley…
you
let me down. How can the student let you down?
HOW
!?  The
TEACHER
, the
DOM
, left
HIS
student,
HIS
sub behind to flounder without explanation? Explain
THAT
fucking riddle and we can try this conversation again!”

She shoves past me and slams out of my office.

“Because! You…” I close my mouth. Whatever I say, she’ll just find a way to twist it up and use it against me.

Well, that and she’s already gone, so she can’t hear me.

Jesus. Christ. What the hell have I done?

Her words batter around in my chest and my mind.

There is no way I can effectively refute her argument.

I left my angel, and I let her down.

Chapter 30

No Choice

I don’t even know where to begin with that five billion piece jigsaw puzzle of loop holes-finger pointing-rigmarole he just tossed in my lap! The hell? I cut him off at the knees? No motherfucker, you cut yourself off at the knees by cutting me out!

He has to be high. That is the only damn explanation I can honestly swallow. Anything less is an excuse he made up in his mind because he got scared and didn’t have the balls to tap out while looking me in my face.

“Holy mother of God! The father of my child does drugs. Either that, or he’s lost his damn mind.” I declare out loud staring at a wall in my living room.

“Oh! Stell, come on! He is not a druggie and he hasn’t lost his sanity either. He did what he, stupidly, thought was the right thing to do. Should he have talked to you first? Hell, yes! You want to know why he didn’t? Because. He’s never been in a relationship that lasted longer than twelve damn hours.” Trina flops down beside me on the couch.

“Are you taking his side? Seriously, T?” I narrow my eyes on hers.

“I’m just being the voice of reason, bitch. Take it or leave it.”

“Whatever. I hate you. I mean I love you, but I really hate you for drinking in front of me. A sip would not hurt the baby. I’m just saying.” I reach for her glass but she’s much faster than me. Doesn’t even spill a drop that I could suck up.

“No, probably not. But a sip… Will only piss you off, sister. You forget. You can’t bullshit me. I know you better than you know yourself, girl.”

“Pssh… Whatever. I’m going to take a damn shower.”

After I walk into the bathroom and start stripping, I glance in the mirror before stepping into the shower; but I’m frozen still when I see my reflection.

“Oh my GOD!!!!” In my boy shorts and sports bra alone I haul ass into the living room, screaming, “Trina! You said I had months before I started to show! I look six months pregnant, not three!”

I round the corner and yelp, “Oh shit!” When I find Bo, Eve,
and
Jude all standing by the front door. I quickly make eye contact with Trina and beg her wide, blinking eyes with mine in vain.

Please tell me they didn’t hear that, sissy. Please! She knows me too fucking well, she nods.

SHIT!

*Clears throat* You see, the thing is, after my friendly ‘Hey! You’re pregnant!’ doctor visit with Dr. Thomas, I immediately informed Trina, Bo, and Eve of my, ahem, ‘diagnosis’. It was over my homemade chicken parmesan, and it was… Yeah, my chicken parm did nothing to soften the blow. They were just as shocked and horrified as me.

Now… I also sort of kept seeing Jude. Not anything serious, just… you know, we went on a few dates. *Shrugs* He may have taken it a little more seriously than I did. So, sue me.

Smiling as brightly and insanely as the woman on the ‘Black Hole Sun’ music video, I say, “Hey! Everyone! Wow. This is… Wow. Exciting, huh?” I look back over at Trina and her and Eve are just shaking their heads. “Okay. So, I don’t feel so swell. Just… I need to hide - I mean shower! I need to shower.” I spin on my heel and carry my ass back to the bathroom as quickly as I can.

Of course - Of course! - Jude reaches me before I can get the bathroom door shut and locked.

He shoves his way into the bathroom effortlessly despite my attempts at shoving the door closed on his face. It was his black boot shoved between the door and the door jam. Damn boot; can’t move those damn things…works every time.

The torment on his face affects me like a slap across my face, I stumble back, gasping under the hand I have covering my mouth. I’ve never seen him look anything but cocky, flirty, and confident. Stark anguish stares back at me.

“Why? Why him? Why not me, babe?” His desperate whisper tears at my heart.

“Jude, it’s always been him. I never promised you anything other than a Saturday night here or a lunch date there. Please… Don’t make this harder than it already is. You’re a great guy. I’m nothing. I promise. Nothing. If you knew even a fraction of how fucked up I am, you would run so damn fast away from me.” I laugh at myself but it sounds as empty as it feels.

He shakes his head, his steel blue eyes never leaving mine. “I do know you. So much—“ He cuts himself off and looks down. “You had a choice, babe; and I really wish you would’ve chosen different. Why do you always make things harder for yourself?”

His question confuses me until I remember the topic. The baby. He wants me to get rid of the baby. My hands slide protectively over my small baby bump.

“No.” I shake my head. “That’s where you’re wrong, Jude. I’ve never had a choice. Not once in my whole life have I ever had a choice. You don’t know a damn thing about me. If you did, then you’d know that with Wesley, I never stood a chance in hell against him.” I open the bathroom door. “And I for damn sure never had a choice. Goodbye, Jude.”

He nods and turns… And then he leaves.

Chapter 31

Red & White

Looking back on the decisions I made throughout the course of my life; all were what I - even now - consider accurate decisions reflecting that period of my life. I can easily look at each individual decision and justify every one.

Except for the one most important decision I ever had to make: When I set my Beauty up to fall, I did so based wholly on my need for revenge. She deceived me, made me fall in love with her, I placed her on a pedestal so high, she mattered more to me than even I mattered to myself. And, in the end, I allowed my hate and my love for her to decide her fate. Not rational thought.

So when I found her in the girls bathroom surrounded and covered in the very substance I craved in return for the redemption she owed me - the sharp contrast of her translucent pale skin against her dark congealed red blood caused euphoria to hum through me. Pure elation, so unlike anything I’d ever felt before, made me feel as though I was soaring. I leapt to my feet shouting out joyfully only to realize seconds later how fleeting that happiness turned out to be.

I shoved her back with my boot. When it didn’t revive my joy, I spat on her before jumping and landing on her back with both feet. I jumped on her like a trampoline for several seconds before hopping off, shouting, “It’s all your fault. You asked for this! You deserved this! Fucking wake up and look at me! Where are those eyes of every color at now, huh?! You tainted your pureness by allowing
that man
to fuck you. I’m only doing you justice, Beauty, I’m only staining your skin the color of pure driven snow with the blood of your trespasses! Do you see me now?!”

Her labored wheezing gasps of breath coming only once every thirty seconds registered with my anatomy and physiology knowledge, instantly spurring me into action.

I grabbed the first girl I saw standing outside the bathroom, “My sister! She went in there, I think she was bleeding. Please! Go help her.” She nodded before scurrying inside. As soon as the door closed behind her, I ran as fast as I could, slamming into the school office out of breath. It took me a moment to stutter the words out. “A-A girl, she came from the bathroom s-s-screaming someone was dead. I-I came as fast as I could! She said…” I pretended to shiver, “…S-She said there was blood everywhere. I-I think she tripped on her.”