That Which Destroys Me (34 page)

“Oookay. Wesley, I don’t want your hopes up. Stella has, well we aren’t certain she’ll live through the night. If she’s still pregnant after what she’s gone through, it will be a miracle alone. And if she is able to carry this child to full term with the stress of recovery and rehab… I just don’t want you to get your hopes up. Please keep those things in mind, okay?”

I can’t stop the dread. It keeps coming and coming, more and more, my damn cup runneth over with dread eons ago! I can’t handle anymore!

But I do. Even though I swear I can’t take it, I do and I continue to. Because I refuse to accept defeat. I refuse the alternative option. I will sit in my Hell of dread and pain, knowing I could lose Stella any second, knowing I could have already lost my baby and I will remain here, because I can’t live without Stella.
That
is what I cannot do.

The doctor’s said to pray Stella made it through her hour of recovery; and after that, to pray she lived through the night. I did - those prayers were answered. However, no one told me I was supposed to continue praying for her to live through the morning following the first night she survived. Stella did live through the night however, the morning after, she coded. It was the last time Stella left me - and the first time she didn’t come back.

Today is May 1, 2014. The day I bury, not only the woman I love but also our twins, whom Dr. Hughes had found very much alive and very active on the ultrasound.

I watch my angel being lowered into the ground and it resonates through me that I will never know happiness or contentment in this life. I’ve never had to protect anyone before. I I wasn't prepared to protect the most important woman to ever come into my life.

I said I wouldn't live without her and I won't.

My angel spent her life being broken and in the end, destroyed. Because of that I will remain amongst the living, unattached and unwilling to pretend I am not dead.

Devastation, this hell my life now consists of, is my reparation for every wrongful penance perpetuated on her during life.

I was unable to protect the woman who changed me and for that I will endure this atonement, refraining from tearing time off my life. And allow the same God who permitted my angel who fought to cease fighting, to deem it necessary for me to suffer. I shall carry that which destroyed her, knowing – hoping - it will someday soon also destroy me.

Chapter 46

I don’t know how much more I can take of being in the shadows, a nameless face always amongst the crowd.

How much more does she think she’ll get away with? How much longer does she think I’ll allow Wesley to live? What? Because she so easily succumbed? Does she think by sacrificing herself and dying, I will allow him to live?

She is absolutely insane if that was her rationale for breaking so easily.

My inability to physically endure - as well as witness Wesley continuing to live as if I don’t even exist- will lead to her soul mate’s demise.

My inability to physically stay away from her, even in death, may lead to mine.

But not before I deliver the corpses of anyone and everyone she ever loved to her doorstep, the mantle of her tombstone.

You see, it dawned on me, during a fit of rage as I stood in the corner of the OR suite wearing my badge ‘Preston Stone-Trauma ER Resident’, watching her come back to life again and again, my plans for destroying Beauty were flawed.

Destruction, physical brute strength wasn’t the key. The key is stripping her of the very things which nourished her. Yes, I can continue to destroy Beauty even after death. I am immortal. I am powerful.

I stand hidden near the forest,  again, nothing more than another face in the crowd,- watching as her body is lowered into the ground. I cannot help but be pleased and proud of the simplicity of my plan. Excitement thrums through me while endorphins flood my veins.

“My orchestrations where so intricate, yet flawed. I needed nothing more than to wait patiently for Beauty to find her happily ever after, kill her and then everything she loved. All along it was only as simple as taking anything and everything that you loved and loved you in return, Beauty and snuffing the life from it.” Sighing, I push away from the tree as I turn around to leave, some brute runs into me. “Excuse yourself, imbecile.”

“There’s no fucking way that’s gonna happen. Long time, little chase, motherfucker.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Now you expect a pardon?” He shakes his head, chuckling like I’m the one who’s insane. “That’s not going to happen either. I will tell you what is going to happen,.” He continues to crowd my personal space causing me to step back. “I’m going to introduce myself.” The white of his teeth contrast starkly against his dark face as he smiles before stepping forward again. Again, I step back. “My name is Derrick ‘The Click’ Jackson. You fucked with my shit, important shit and for this reason you get to learn about my middle name. Preston, you wanna learn why it’s ‘The Click’?”

“No, I want you and your black ass to get out of my—“

“Because motherfucker, I’m the one who makes goddamn sure that it’s the last sound you’ll ever hear.”

CLICK.

Dear Reader,

I struggled with the ending more than I’ve struggled with any phrase or wording of a sentence, ever. Eighty percent of this story literally fell out as I stood aside and merely transcribed. The last twenty percent, not so much. I fought it with every single thing I am and I lost. There is an alternate ending out there, however right now I can’t tell you whether or not it will ever be published. I do want you to know that I loved Stella, and I swear I did fight for her, hard. Unfortunately, sometimes as a writer, all you can do is write the story. Especially when the story demands it’s own…story.

Love Always, Kimber   

Ahhh... Okay, first and foremost to my street team! You bitches have pimped your asses off!

Trina Taylor, I love you, sissy. Dammit, I love you!!! You are and will always be more than my best friend. You’re my sister! XoXo

Donna Pemberton, thank you for pulling back my reins when I needed you too!

Francette Phal, thank you SO much for believing that I could write more than a book review! Thank you for always being there when I need your help, momma! To call you friend is one of the most kickass feelings in the world!

Jennifer Cothran, you are always there for me, no matter what, and I fucking love you for it, girl!

Yessi Smith, Hells yeah! So damn lucky to have met you! And dammit, honestly, I have NEVER clicked with anyone as quick as I clicked with you! NOLA has no idea what’s gonna hit ‘em ;)

Natalie, Amanda, Sandra, Heather, Isa and Debi… Holy shit! You damn ladies are freaking ‘Pimpin’, pimpin’! Y’all knock me on my ass with your pimping style! I’m so damn happy Lil and the voices in her head brought y’all into my life! Every damn one of you I consider a fucking awesome friend!

Dolores Montz, 3 words! New Orleans, BITCH! We’re gonna light that bitch UP in August! CANNOT WAIT! Thank you SO much for talking all those baseball moms into reading my smut, lmao! I love your pimpin’ style, momma!

Kimber’s Bitches, THANK YOU! There is no damn way in hell I could have made it through Wesley’s story without each and every one of you badass bitches! XOXO

MaryAnn Breedlove, YOU! Are more essential to me and my writing development, than you’ll ever know. No rainbows, No bullshit… You are the whisper in the corner that turns me from an unpolished, four letter word littering writer into a mothafuckin’ author! And I love you for it!

To my editor Melissa Willis! Wow! I don’t even know where to begin! I’m utterly humbled to have you even read my book, but to edit it? WOW! You’re my fucking Madonna, PERIOD!

Kari Ayasha from Cover to Cover Designs, girl! There will NEVER, EVER be another cover artist that fucking touches my books! You are one of the best things that has happened to me since coming into the author world. Every damn cover I have in my crazy head, you don’t just make it happen, you make it perfect!!! Xoxo

Lauryn, Meg, and B, y’all are my reason for living, my reason for breathing, and if weren’t for you three, I would have lived my life like a woman gone mad. You are each sweet blessings that I could never live without, and I love each of you so very much in your own specialness.

Momma and Daddy, I know I am the least conventional kid you have and also the hardest daughter to love, However, ONE DAY, I WILL make you both proud. Thank you so much for giving Bobby and me the wonderful and loving family we grew up in. Momma, thank you for raising me to be strong and to never back down. But most of all, thank you, Momma, for being my greatest friend. Daddy, thank you so much for being the best daddy in the whole wide world. I’ll always be Daddy’s girl first, even when I’m a hundred years old. I love you both so much and pray that I can make y’all proud. *Psst... Momma, don’t let Daddy read my books—the acknowledgments ONLY!!!!*

Author Bio:

Who is Kimber? Shit, sometimes even I don't know, lmao. However if I had to type up an author bio (which, son of a bitch, I do) this is how it would read. BTW, caught a lot of shit for this author bio. Really don't give a fuck though, because I was asked to type up a bio. And if I can only say one thing for certain about myself, it's this: I'm real, I don't back down from what I believe, I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. I don't bite my tongue and I never try to hide the ugly parts of who I am... You either love me or hate me, but if you love me... I'll always be loyal, no fucking matter what ;)

I can be called a billon different things—daughter, wife, mother, labor unit nurse. I sell pussy on the side. *Coughs* That would be Persian kittens, thank you…you dirty-minded scoundrel. I'm a book blogger, book pimp, and a book whore. My two indulgences are my Jack’s in life…Jack Daniel’s and Blackjack. My biggest dream, the day I'll acknowledge that I've succeeded in life and can I die a happy woman, is the day I get to go two stark-naked hour-round sexual bouts with Jason Statham. *Sighs*