The Accidental Proposal (10 page)

‘And some men, apparently,’ says Dan, under his breath.

Wendy shrugs again. ‘Not necessarily. Don’t worry about it, Edward. And remember, it’s Sam’s day, not yours. So I’m afraid if she doesn’t want a big one—’

‘Which she obviously doesn’t,’ interrupts Dan, ‘if she’s marrying you.’

‘Then what she says goes,’ continues Wendy, ignoring him.

As she heads off to serve some other customers, I sigh. ‘Maybe Wendy’s right,’ I say. ‘Although . . .’

‘Although what?’

‘No, nothing.’

‘Come on, Ed. Tell your uncle Dan.’

‘It’s just what you said earlier.’

Dan looks at me blankly. ‘Sorry, mate, you’ll have to refresh the old memory.’

‘Sam and I have lived together for, what, a year now?’

Dan makes the ‘how would I know?’ face. ‘If you say so.’

‘So what if she wakes up the next morning expecting to feel different and, well,
doesn’t
?’

‘Huh?’

‘You know – she might expect marriage to make our relationship better. Different, somehow. And apart from the ring on her finger, it won’t be. We’ll still be in the same flat, doing the same things . . .’

Dan frowns. ‘So?’

‘So it was easy in the olden days. No one lived together before they were actually married  so the first day of married life was the start of a new chapter. A new experience. Some of them hadn’t even had sex until the wedding night.’

Dan laughs. ‘Yeah, right.’

‘I’m serious, Dan. Which is why I need to make sure things
are
different.’

‘And how are you going to do that?’

‘I don’t know. But maybe I was hoping that a big wedding might kick-start all that. As opposed to us just turning up, signing a bit of paper, and going back home again.’

Dan laughs. ‘Listen, Ed. It’s simple. You think she’s going to get bored and leave you after the wedding, then don’t get married.’

‘But then she might . . .’

‘Leave you?’ Dan finishes off the last of the crisps, scrunches the packet into a ball and lobs it towards the bin on the other side of the bar, punching the air in celebration when it drops in. ‘There, my friend, is the conundrum.’

‘So what do I do?’

‘Well, like you said, you’ve just got to make sure you do take it to the next level. Kids, and everything else.’

‘What’s everything else?’

Dan thinks for a second. ‘Just kids, really.’

‘Great. Thanks.’

As I put my head in my hands, Dan leans across and nudges me. ‘Relationships are all about levels, Ed. There’s the superficial level . . .’

‘The one yours never get beyond, you mean?’

‘Precisely,’ says Dan, without a hint of irony. ‘Then you start going out with someone, and then they move in. Before you know it, you’re engaged, married, and . . . Game over.’

‘What’s your point?’

‘And who initiates all these changes? The women. And why? Because they want babies.’

‘It’s not as simple as that, surely? I mean, Jane didn’t.’

‘Yes, but think back. Jane was the one who suggested moving in with you.’

‘So she could save on the rent.’

‘And then moved out when you didn’t want to take things further. And wasn’t it Sam who suggested you move in with her?’

‘Well, yes, but that was kind of a misunderstanding.’

Dan rolls his eyes. ‘That wouldn’t be the first time. Or the last. And now Sam’s asked you to marry her. Trust me – it’s only a matter of time before you hear the patter of tiny feet. Or possibly not so tiny, given how fat you used to be.’

‘But how can I tell?’

‘I suggest you ask her.’

I let out a short laugh. ‘What, go up to Sam and say “Why exactly do you want to get married to me?”’

Dan nods. ‘Why not?’

‘Well, because . . . because it’s just not the done thing, is it?’

‘Listen, mate, like you said, Sam asked you, didn’t she?’

‘Yes, but . . .’

‘And why do you think that was?’

‘Because she loves me.’

Dan laughs. ‘So? I love my car, but I’m hardly going to get down on one knee in front of it, am I?’

‘Only because one of your exes might jump into the driver’s seat and floor the accelerator while you’re there,’ suggests Wendy, who’s been ear-wigging from the other end of the bar.

Dan sticks his tongue out at her. ‘So why change the status quo, unless she’s got an ulterior motive?’

‘Such as?’

‘You’re
sure
she’s not pregnant?’

‘Yes!’ I shout, even though I’m starting to feel anything but. ‘Dan, people do get married for other reasons, you know.’

‘Such as?’

‘Well, to demonstrate their commitment to each other – something I wouldn’t expect you to understand. And remember, Sam’s a lot more straightforward than Jane ever was. I mean, Jane tried to get me to propose to her by dumping me. Sam just came out and said it. And that’s refreshing.’

Dan shudders. ‘Scary, if you ask me. Maybe she’s trying to get her hands on your money.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous. Besides, I haven’t got any left after our little trip to Tiffany’s.’

He picks his beer up and takes another mouthful. ‘Ed, think about it. Jane also left you because you got fat, stopped caring about what you wore, had dodgy teeth, a naff haircut, and all that stuff, but mainly because you became complacent about you and her. And that’s why, in a way, you feeling so insecure about Sam is a good thing.’

‘Huh?’

‘Because if you’re always worried she’s going to leave you, then you’re going to have to work doubly hard to make sure she doesn’t.’

Dan sits back in his seat and looks pleased with himself, as if he’s just explained the theory of relativity in a new way, then his face falls as I shake my head in disbelief.

‘Yes, but, that’s not a good thing, is it? Living life in a constant state of stress?’

He smiles. ‘Welcome to marriage. But at least she’s focussing on the being married part, not the getting married bit. Which you’ve got to agree, can only be a good thing.’

‘But . . .’ I stop talking, because much as I hate to admit it, he has a point. We sit there in silence for a while, before Dan clears his throat.

‘Can I ask you something?’

‘Sure.’

‘Why
do
people get married?’

‘Is this a joke?’

‘No. I’m serious.’

‘Do you mean me and Sam? Or anyone?’

‘Well, you and Sam, for starters. I mean, I know you’ve said she’s not eating for two. . . .’ He scratches his head, as if he can’t conceive there’d be another reason. ‘Although thinking about it, she’s done that ever since I’ve known her.’ One of the things Dan’s most impressed about Sam is that she’s got a healthy appetite, unlike some of the stick insects he usually dates. ‘For example, why did you say yes so quickly? Did you feel you might lose her otherwise?’

I have to wonder where there’s a little bit of truth in that
, because one of the reasons Jane dumped me was my ‘inability to commit’, apparently. Although it was only my inability to commit to her, as it turned out. ‘Not really. I just . . . I mean, we . . . To tell you the truth, I don’t know if there’s one specific thing. It just kind of seemed right. So when she asked me, I didn’t have to think about what my answer would be, you know?’

Dan shakes his head. ‘No, I don’t know. Explain.’

I stare thoughtfully into my pint glass as I try and put it into words. ‘I guess I knew I’d never meet anyone better.’

I daren’t look across at Dan, sure he’s doing his usual mime of sticking his fingers down his throat as he usually does whenever I’m discussing anything to do with emotions, but when I finally glance up at him, he’s gazing at me intently.

‘You can take that both ways.’

‘No, I mean it in a positive sense. And not just because I was able to measure everything against the relationship I had with Jane.’

‘It must have been pretty special, I guess?’

I wait for the punchline, but none comes. ‘Er, yes, actually.’

‘And how did you feel when she asked? You know, at the precise moment you had to answer. I was reading this thing the other day about people who drown. Apparently there’s a lot of struggling, and then right at the point of death, they experience this feeling of calm, almost like euphoria.’

‘And?’

‘Was it like that?’

I laugh. ‘Not at all.’

‘Because it’s quite a heavy question, isn’t it? I mean, it’s all right just going out with someone, but to put them on the spot and ask them if they want to spend the rest of their lives with you. Legally . . .’ Dan whistles loudly.

‘Why are you so interested, all of a sudden? Th
is better not be for your best man speech.’

He grins. ‘Nah. I’m just curious.’

‘Curious? Or interested?’

‘What’s the difference?’

‘Curious suggests you want to know for the hell of it. Interested means you want to know because it’s something you’re considering yourself.’

Dan makes a face, as if I’ve just suggested he take
s all his clothes off and runs up and down the seafront. ‘Yeah, right. Dan Davis, get married. A ha ha ha ha ha.’

‘Why not?’

‘Well, because . . .’ splutters Dan. ‘For one thing . . .’

‘Yes?’

‘Er . . .’

‘Come on. Is it something you could see yourself doing? One day?’

Dan drains the last of his beer. ‘Doubtful.’

‘Not even with someone like Polly?’

He winces a little at the mention of her name. ‘Someone like Polly? Yes, maybe. But that’s never going to happen, is it?’

‘Why not?’

‘Because there’s no one like Polly, and the actual Polly’s with someone else now. Besides, even if she wasn’t, she might not want . . .’

‘You?’

‘To get married,’ says Dan, as if I’ve just made the most outrageous suggestion. ‘Anyway, it’s you we’re talking about here.’

‘No it isn’t. You brought it up.’

‘I did, didn’t I? Which means I can decide when I want to stop talking about it too.’

‘But—’

‘Nope.’

‘Dan, I—’

‘Edward!’ He makes the ‘talk to the hand’ gesture. ‘Subject closed.’

‘Fine,’ I say.

Although by the look on his face when I mentioned Polly’s name, I suspect it’s anything but.

7.55 p.m.

Sam’s been happily showing the ring to all and sundry, and even wears it to work, which is something I’m pleased about, as it might –
finally
– stop her getting regularly hit on by her clients. I can’t blame them, though; it’s what I did.

She’s also been phoning round various friends and family to check they’re free on the twenty-fifth, which I suppose proves to me that she’s serious about the wedding going ahead. I’ve been trying to be more enthusiastic about the registry office too, and while I can’t say the idea’s exactly growing on me, I can see that I don’t have a lot of choice.

Come Thursday evening, I’m in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches to the food we’re serving Dan and Madeleine, who – given that they’ve never met, and since Sam’s decided to ask Madeleine to be her maid of honour – we’ve invited round for dinner this evening to discuss their involvement in our (not so) big day.

Of course, when I say ‘putting the finishing touches to’, what I really mean is ‘putting in the oven’, as it’s Sam who’s been slaving away all afternoon to make some sort of cheese and vegetable bake. I had offered to make my speciality – spaghetti Bolognese – although when I say ‘speciality’, it’s about the only thing I can cook that isn’t, well, canned, but as Sam reminded me, Madeleine’s a vegetarian.

As to what sort of vegetables I’m baking, I’m not that sure because, to be honest, the only ones I can name come on a round cheese- and tomato-covered base on the rare occasion Sam lets me order us a takeaway Veggie Wedgie from Pizza the Action for dinner but (as she always points out) those aren’t ‘proper’ vegetables anyway. I’d prefer their Meat Treat, but even though (again, according to Sam) the kind of meat you get on a pizza isn’t proper meat either, and despite my observation that surely that makes them both as bad as each other so we might as well go the meat route, I rarely get my way.

But whatever it is we’re eating, I’m happy. This is the first official ‘engagement’ Sam and I have had as a couple since we, well, got officially engaged. And the way I see it, the more things we do like this, the more real this whole getting married business becomes.

As the doorbell rings, Sam puts a hand on my arm. ‘Try and control Dan this evening, will you? I don’t want him making a play for Madeleine and there being an atmosphere at the wedding.’