The Accidental Proposal (19 page)

‘No, Dan. What about this next one?’

‘Ah. “Get You Back”. That’s, er, nothing.’ Dan shifts uncomfortably on his stool. ‘Anyway. You were going to tell me what was up with you?’

I take a deep breath. ‘I’ve just found out that Sam doesn’t want to be Mrs Middleton.’

‘You’re joking?’

‘Nope.’

‘So the wedding’s off? Is this because of the affair? Did she say he was better than you in bed? Because I can give you a few tips, if you want.’

‘No! She doesn’t want to be Sam Middleton.’

He looks at me as if I’ve just repeated what I’ve said, which I suppose to someone with Dan’s perceptive ability I probably have. ‘Want me to talk to her?’

‘What good would that do?’

‘Convince her to go through with it. I mean, I can understand her coming to her senses and not wanting to get married to you, but maybe I can talk her round. You know, big you up a bit. So she at least . . .’

‘She still wants to marry me,’ I say, patiently, ‘but she doesn’t want to change her name.’

‘Why should she? I mean, Samantha’s a nice name.’

I realize I have to spell it out for him. ‘Her surname, Dan. She still wants to be Sam Smith – after we’re married.’

‘So what?’ Dan shrugs. ‘Think yourself lucky. If you get divorced, maybe it’ll be the only thing she doesn’t take.’

‘Dan,’ I say, as he chuckles to himself, then, ‘Dan!’ but louder the second time.

‘What?’

‘Shut up.’

‘Sorry.’ He looks up, catches Wendy’s eye, and signals for a couple of drinks.

‘You two are becoming regulars,’ jokes Wendy, walking over and retrieving a bottle of Corona for Dan from the fridge beneath the counter. ‘Everything okay, Edward?’

Dan nods towards me. ‘Sam doesn’t want to change her name.’

‘What’s wrong with Sa— Ah, sorry,’ she says, catching sight of my expression.

‘
Professionally
. She says she still wants to run the business as Sam Smith.’

Wendy pops the top off Dan’s bottle, inserts a wedge of lime in the neck, and puts it down in front of him. ‘That’s not such a big deal, surely?’

I glare across the bar at her. ‘It might not be to you. But it’s traditional, isn’t it?’

‘So?’ She picks up my pint glass and starts to refill it. ‘So was being a virgin on your wedding night, but that’s not expected any more.’

‘Thank goodness,’ says Dan. ‘Otherwise I’d be responsible for a lot of women never getting married.’

‘Honestly, Ed, I wouldn’t worry about it. I wouldn’t take Andy’s surname if we got married.’

‘What is it?’ sniggers Dan, picking his beer up and leaning out of Wendy’s reach. ‘House?’

‘What it is has nothing to do with it,’ snaps Wendy. ‘Women are more independent nowadays. We contribute at least half to the marriage, so why should we be the ones to give up our names and identities as well?’

‘Steady on, Wendy,’ says Dan, ‘you’ll be burning your bra next. Oh, hang on. You don’t need to wear one in the first place.’

Wendy glares at him, no doubt storing up her revenge for a later date. ‘Besides, Edward, by the sound of it, it’s more to do with branding.’

Dan laughs. ‘What – like they do to cows?’

I sigh loudly. ‘The annoying thing is, I suppose I can see her point. I mean, why should I expect Sam to give up her name and take mine just because it’s what everyone else does?’

Dan gestures towards me with his beer bottle. ‘I think you’ve answered your own question there, mate.’

‘Dan,
please
.’

‘Sorry. But I suppose you’re right. She’s agreed to marry you. Why should she make any more sacrifices?’

As Wendy heads off to serve some other customers, struggling to hide a smile as she goes, something more sinister occurs to me. Maybe the reason Sam doesn’t want to change her name is to do with the affair she might be having, or rather, because she’s planning to carry on her affair after the wedding. Perhaps she hasn’t even told him she’s getting married, and what’s the best way to keep up the pretence? Act as if nothing’s changed. But when I repeat my theory to Dan, he shakes his head.

‘Doubtful.’

‘Why?’

‘You’re questioning the opinion of someone who’s had the number of affairs I’ve had? Read my lips: Sam’s. Not. Cheating. On. You.’

‘Sorry, Dan. Silly of me to argue with the master. But I just can’t seem to get past these suspicions of mine.’

Dan puts a hand on my shoulder. ‘Do you want me to find out for you?’

‘And how would you do that, exactly?’

‘I could ask Sam. Subtly, of course.’

The thought of Dan doing anything subtly makes me laugh. ‘And how would you
do
that, exactly?’

‘Good point.’ Dan’s face creases up in concentration for a moment or two. ‘Or, I could follow her. See where she’s going. Tail her in the car. Making sure she didn’t see me, of course.’

‘You drive a bright orange Porsche convertible. Don’t you think she might see you?’

Dan looks at me as if I’m stupid. ‘I’d have the roof up, obviously.’

‘Obviously.’ I shake my head resignedly. ‘No, Dan. If she’s managed to hide this from me for ages, then I don’t think you’ll be able to find out. Besides, it’s something I need to do for myself.’

‘So what are you going to do?’

‘I thought I could double-check the signs, for example.’

‘Which are?’

‘You know. All those hushed phone calls she’s been having. Her sneaking out to do “wedding stuff” all the time, but not telling me what “wedding stuff”. Her hiding things from me on her computer because they’re to do with “the wedding”. You’ve got to admit, it doesn’t look good.’

‘It doesn’t,’ agrees Dan. ‘Until you factor in the fact that the two of you are, actually, getting married. It could be all about that.’

‘Yes, but how much stuff can there be to sort out? It’s only a little affair, after all.’

‘How do you know? It might be something serious.’

‘No, I mean the wedding’s only a small affair. And thanks. Unless, of course, she is up to something else entirely . . .’

Dan stares at me for a second or two. ‘No, you’re right,’ he says. ‘It does sound a bit suspicious. I’d definitely check it out if I were you.’

I’m a little surprised. ‘Oh, you think so now, do you? What about all that “Sam’s not cheating on you” stuff you just said?’

‘Yeah, well, you’ve got to be sure, haven’t you, and this sounds like the only way to put your mind to rest. I mean, you don’t want a little thing like Sam being unfaithful to ruin your big day, do you? Unless you just want to let bygones be bygones.’

‘Dan, how can I possibly go through with it if I know she’s been seeing someone else?’

He shrugs. ‘Maybe you should see someone else too. Even up the score. Maybe even with Candy or Bambi. That way . . .’

‘Don’t even go there.’

He shrugs again. ‘Sorry. But if she is having one final fling, have you considered the possibility you might just be being a little selfish?’

I almost fall off my stool. ‘Selfish? How?’

Dan takes a sip of his lager. ‘You’re marrying her, right? Which means that, unless you get fat and fuck it up again, you’ll get her for what, the next
fifty or so years?’

‘Hopefully.’

‘So if she is having an affair, maybe she’s just getting it out of her system. You know, so she can settle down and be Mrs Middleton.’ He clears his throat. ‘Or, er, not. I mean, look at when you gave up smoking. You didn’t just stop, did you? Instead, you went out, bought a last packet, smoked them slowly, tenderly, savouring every suck . . .’

‘Thanks for the imagery!’

‘Sorry, but you know what I mean. So maybe this is just Sam’s last cigarette.’

I stare at him, unable – or maybe, unwilling – to believe what he’s suggesting. Because while I know this kind of ‘logic’ makes perfect sense to him, the rest of us don’t think like that at all. And while I have to take some comfort in the fact that if she was having an affair, Sam wouldn’t just choose some quick fling; she’s just not like that – equally, I can’t believe she’s been seeing someone else for all this time, because surely I’d have known. But then again, I didn’t know when Jane did it to me, until she ‘accidentally’ copied me in on an email to the guy she’d snogged. And suddenly, the realization that because it’s happened to me once without me knowing, it might well be happening again, hits me full in the stomach.

‘I’m sorry, Dan. I just can’t accept that. We’re engaged. And there are rules.’

He laughs. ‘What.
Rules of engagement
? I’m not sure that’s quite what the phrase means.’

‘Besides, to keep your metaphor going, Sam doesn’t smoke. In fact, she’s never smoked. Hates the thought of it.’

‘You’re sure about that, are you?’ says Dan. ‘Lots of people do without anyone knowing. You know, do it in the bathroom with the window open, a quick spray of air freshener afterwards, no one’s any the wiser . . .’

I try and stop another awful image forming in my mind. ‘But . . .Why would she?’

Dan shrugs. ‘Maybe just to see what it’s like. Or more likely, just to be sure she’s making the right decision.’

‘Marrying me, you mean.’

He nods. ‘Or even, just getting married. Most people only get married because they’ve lost the will to keep dating. And Sam’s not got the longest of dating histories.’

‘Well, not compared to you, she hasn’t. In fact, no one I know has. And that’s even if you add them all together. And include Natasha.’

Dan basks in the glow of what he can’t see any other way but as a compliment. ‘So you should feel flattered that she thinks seriously enough about marrying you that she’s prepared to do this.’

‘Flattered is the one thing I don’t feel. In fact, quite the opposite. Because she should know, shouldn’t she? After all, I do. And anyway, she asked
me
. Why would she have done that if she wasn’t sure?’

Dan frowns. ‘I dunno. I suppose because it’s not final until the two of you actually say “I do”, is it? And you know how it is – you make an offer on a house, go through with the survey and everything, but it’s not until you exchange contracts – or in this case rings – that it’s legal. A lot of people still look at other houses in the meantime, not because they want to buy them, but because they just want to be sure they’ve put their offer in on the right one. Some even keep looking at the property pages long after they’ve bought their house just to make sure they’ve done the right thing.’

‘Yes, but they don’t, you know, go and spend the night in them.’

‘Well, maybe they should. If it helps them make their minds up.’

I can’t quite believe what I’m hearing. ‘So you’re saying it’s okay?’

‘No – all I’m saying is, don’t jump to conclusions. One – you don’t know if Sam’s up to anything, so don’t start trying to work out why it is she’s doing what you don’t even know she’s doing, and two . . .’ Dan stops talking, and scratches his head. ‘What was the first one again?’

As he sits there, struggling to remember what he’s talking about, I realize I’ve got a choice. Trust Sam, and let her get on with whatever it is she’s doing, or confront her about it, and risk causing damage to our relationship that we might never recover from. And like I keep telling myself, marriage is all about trust. Isn’t it?

‘But I can’t worry about this for the rest of my life.’

‘Which is going to be even longer, seeing as you’ve given up smoking and all that crap food you used to shovel down your throat like it was going out of fashion.’

I stare thoughtfully into my beer. ‘But she might just be marrying me because the old clock is ticking. You know, she just wants babies. Which is another reason not to change her name. So the kids will be . . .’ I swallow hard. ‘Hers.’

‘Do you really think if she wanted to have a baby she’d have it with you? If she wasn’t in love with you, I mean.’

‘I suppose not,’ I say, not quite knowing what Dan’s trying to imply.

‘And anyway, she’s not particularly maternal, is she?’

‘Not really,’ I say. I’ve never really seen her around babies. ‘Although she’s fond enough of Wendy’s little one.’

Dan opens his mouth to make a joke, then thinks better of it. ‘But she’s never offered to babysit, or anything?’

‘No.’

‘And for the last time, you’re sure she’s not pregnant?’

I nod, and then stop nodding abruptly. ‘Pretty sure.’

‘Because that is another reason for getting married. If you’ve got her, you know . . .’

‘Yes, but she’d have told me, wouldn’t she?’

‘Would she?’ Dan nudges me. ‘Her dad doesn’t have a shotgun, does he?’

I shudder. He does. He’s even made a point of showing it to me. ‘Christ, Dan, you’re supposed to be making me feel better. Not worse.’

‘Ed, just stop worrying, will you? You’re getting married. To Sam. Who quite frankly is a girl who knocks spots off all – sorry,
both
– of your previous girlfriends. Even that one at college with the really bad acne.’ He raises both eyebrows repeatedly in a
Did-you-see-what-I-did-there?
kind of way. ‘So
whatever
the reason Sam’s agreed to marry you, forget all this registry-office rubbish, won’t-change-her-name bollocks, is-she-cheating-on-me? crap, and, instead, grab on to her with both hands and don’t let her go. Ever.’