The Adoration of Jenna Fox (8 page)

"Was your move from New York difficult for
you?" she asks.

New York.
Right.
Mother says not to tell
we are from Boston. Reporters are always bothering Father, and she wants peace
and quiet.

"No," I say. "I slept right
through it."

She smiles. "It sounds like you're
flexible, Jenna
—and have a sense of humor. That
will take you far."

I let her think what she wants.

She tells me that the three days a week that we
meet, teacher-collaborators will instruct on core subjects. State requirements
are modified as much as possible to complement the ecosystems emphasis. This
morning while she and I conference, Ethan is leading a discussion with the
others on
Walden.
Apparently, literature is Ethan's strength. Gabriel is
teacher-collaborator for problem solving and logic.
Allys
leads science and ethics. Dane leads art explorations. Rae fills in the holes.

"Would you be interested in leading us in
historical explorations? We're just about to begin a discussion of Easter
Island and the
—"

"Easter Island was settled approximately
A.D. 300 by the Rapa Nui. By A.D. 1000 deforestation was under way to satisfy
the islanders' demand for
moai
construction. The loss
of forest resulted in erosion, which in turn accelerated the rapid decline of
trees on the island. By 1600, the failing resources of the island could no
longer support the population, and as a result, cannibalism
—"

I notice Rae's peculiar expression, so I stop.

"Uh, yes, I guess you do know your
history," she says.

"I'm familiar with
Walden,
too, if
Ethan needs help." I'm more than familiar
—I
could recite it word for word, but I don't tell her that. I'm startled at this
revelation myself. Until she mentioned it, I had no recollection of
Walden.
I
must have loved literature, too.

"I see." She looks back at my
questionnaire. I know what she is going to say before the words leave her
mouth.
Weaknesses? You have no weaknesses?
It skips through me. Catches.
Weakness. Please, Jenna. We need you.
Why do I see Kara's and Locke's
faces? They couldn't have been my weaknesses. They feel more like my strengths.

"And no weaknesses?"

"I didn't write them down."

"Would you like to share?"

Share?

I'm afraid.

I'm lost.

I have no friends. It keeps coming back to
that. Why does it bother me so?

I have no friends.

Which weakness shall I tell her?

"I walk funny," I say, and she is
satisfied with that.

Morning collaborations continue until eleven. I
correct Ethan twice in his evaluations of
Walden.
I want to be his
friend. Friends help friends.

It is my second time that prompts him to raise
his voice. "But it was his rejection of materialism and the Industrial
Revolution that was the point of his move to Walden Pond and the strength of
the entire
—"

"Not true," I tell him. "It was
a private journey as much as a public one. He was searching for his personal
essence as much as he was making a political statement."

"But
—"

"In his final conclusion he says,
It is
life near the bone where it is sweetest.
And building on that he says,
 I
sat at a table where were rich food and wine in abundance, and obsequious
attendance, but sincerity and truth were not; and I went away hungry from the
inhospitable board."

"But what about
—"

"And of course, much earlier he plainly
states,
I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately . . . to
live deep and suck out all the marrow of life . . . to
—"

"I get it," Ethan snaps.

Dane,
Allys
, and Gabriel
stare at me. Ethan looks away. Rae is quickly flipping through
Walden,
running
her fingers down the pages. Finally she raises her eyes to me, too.

Dane stands. "The only thing Thoreau and I
have in common is that we're both hungry," he says. "I'm
outta
here."

Rae looks at her watch. "Eleven. Yes, it's
time for our break, Thank you, Jenna. And you, too, Ethan."

Dane is already out the door. Rae is drawn away
by Mitch and something more important than me.

The others stand awkwardly. I can see I've
upset the balance. Do they have to include the new girl who walks funny in
their break plans? Do they have to redefine boundaries? Do they have to make
room for someone who interrupted Ethan when she should have kept her big mouth
shut? Why can I see that now when it's too late?

"Break is for two hours,"
Allys
says. "Time to eat, work on personal projects,
conference
—Rae's big on that. You can do
whatever
you want."

Gabriel gestures over his shoulder. "We
usually go across the street and get something to eat at the market. Everyone's
kind of on their own."

On their own. Right. I get it.

I nod. "Then I'll just stay
—"

"Want to
come?" Ethan asks.

Allys

Allys
removes her leg and props it
against the table. "I'm not supposed to take them off at school, but this
one still bothers me." She massages her stump. Gabriel and Ethan go on
eating their lunches. I stare at the stump and then the artificial leg.
"Does this bother you?" she asks. "I can put it back
—"

"No. I'm just surprised. I didn't realize.
Were you injured somehow?"

"No. I had a bacterial infection. Worse
than most. Antibiotics weren't touching it, and by the time they were able to
get a Restricted Antibiotic Waiver, I had already lost one leg. This one,
actually." She runs her fingers over her stump and grimaces. "I guess
the first is hardest to lose."

"Your other leg is artificial, too?"

"And my arms. I also had some organ
damage, which is why I have to take this mountain of medicine." She
swallows a handful of pills and downs them with water.

My eyes shift from her stump to her hands.
"They look so
—"

"Real?"

I nod.

"I
hear that a lot. Amazing what they can do these
days." She pulls up her sleeve, and I can see a barely perceptible line
where artificial meets real skin. "They even customized it with my
original moles and freckles."

"Yeah," Gabriel adds through a
mouthful of food, "she has a whole constellation on her other arm."
Ethan doesn't say anything. He just watches me while he eats.

"Sure, nice cosmetics, but I still have
phantom pains. It's only been six months, so I am hoping that will go away,
too. The biofeedback treatments worked on the others but not on this one for
some reason." She stops rubbing her stump and picks up her sandwich. I
watch her artificial fingers delicately bend and adjust around the bread just
like they are real. I am aware of prosthetic devices, but I think this is the
first time I have seen them so close. The skin looks as real as my own.
Allys
glances at me, and I look away. I already have one
strike against me by showing up Ethan. I don't want another by ogling her.
They've invited me into their circle. I want to stay here.

I sit back in my chair, trying to look relaxed.
A small dining area is carved out of one corner of the market. It holds two
small tables, each with four chairs. They're crowded next to the juice aisle.
Gabriel and
Allys
both got ready-made sandwiches from
the refrigerated section. Ethan bought an apple, a bean and cheese burrito, and
a bottle of milk. Even though he invited me to come, he seems reluctant to talk
to me. I'm trying to keep my mouth shut, but since I'm not eating, it isn't
easy.

"What about Dane?" I ask. "I
thought he was hungry."

Gabriel smirks. "Dane doesn't eat with
us."

"Because we're freaks?" I ask.

"Speak for yourself!" Ethan snaps.
His voice is loud and pocks the air between us.

I don't know what to say. I didn't mean that I
thought he was a freak. I was just repeating Dane's words, but I'm afraid to
even explain that. I might appear like I'm correcting him again.

I look out the window, a jammed-up feeling
growing inside. Am I going to cry? Or is it something else? My eyes are dry,
but I feel like something wants to burst out of me. I focus on the empty road
outside. Hold back. Hold it in.
Keep your mouth shut, Jenna. Keep it shut.
Shut. Shut.

"Well, Dane was certainly right about one
thing," I say, turning from the window to look straight into Ethan's eyes.

"What's that?" he asks, daring me to
answer.

"You do have a magnetic personality."

Wonderful timing, Jenna. Now is not
the time for my attitude to come out of hiding.

Gabriel stops chewing, and his eyes grow wide.
Allys
sets her sandwich aside. Ethan sits, stunned, like I
just slapped him across the face. The tension holds us like a shock of
electricity and then something odd happens.
Allys
chuckles. A little snort at first. And then a deep expelling of air that comes
all the way up from her belly. Her laughter snags Gabriel, and puffs of air
fill his cheeks, and then in the next breath, Ethan and I are snorting, too,
unable to maintain our scowls. Pieces of bread fly from Gabriel's mouth, and we
all howl louder, until finally
Allys
says, holding
her stomach, "I like you, Jenna."

My laughter subsides, and I hear her soft voice
over and over in my head until I just sit there with satisfaction wrapping
around me. 
I like you.
That's what she said.
I
like you,
Jenna.

Ethan's eyes are softer now, gently focused on
mine, like the day I first saw him at the mission. "Sorry," he says.
"I didn't mean to be a dickhead."

Dickhead?
Another word I've lost. It must mean
annoying or small-minded.

"I didn't notice," I say, which
brings another small chuckle from him.

"Dane pushes our buttons," he says.
"Especially mine. Most of the time I try to ignore him."

"We're different from others,"
Gabriel says, like he is admitting something. "But that doesn't mean we're
freaks."

"Dane has a way with words,"
Allys
adds.

Ethan swigs down a big gulp of milk and brings
the bottle down like a gavel. "Dane has a way with everything."

"He keyed Ethan's truck last week,"
Gabriel explains. "No one can prove it, but weird things always seem to
happen around Dane."

"He's missing something. I mean,
really
missing something,"
Allys
says.

Gabriel shakes his head. "He's not like
us."

"He's not like anyone," Ethan says.
"That's probably why he's in school with us. In that sense, he's right. We
all have reasons for needing to come to a small alternative school. My theory
is Dane's already been kicked out of every school within a thousand-mile
radius."

"At least," Gabriel confirms.

I don't know what to say. They seem to be
releasing every frustration they have about Dane, and yet I found him
interesting. Blunt maybe, but something about him intrigues me. Maybe his
honesty? He's the only one who bothered to tell me that I walk funny. Why
didn't Claire? And what exactly is funny?

I'm glad when
Allys
turns the conversation from Dane to her. "My reasons for coming to this
school aren't so mysterious," she says. "A large campus just doesn't
work for me anymore, and a flexible schedule makes therapy easier to work in.
At an academy I would always be missing school. That's one of the reasons I'm
here."
Allys
picks up her sandwich and resumes
eating. "Plus, I like the course study better. Especially after all
this"
—she gestures with all four limbs.
"I have a particular interest in bioethics, and Rae lets me explore that.
Why'd you want to come here, Jenna?"

"I didn't exactly want to. My mother chose
it. I've been sick and ..." I don't know how to finish. I still have a
lightheaded aversion to saying the word
accident.
Has Mother drilled it
into me that deep not to speak about it? Or is there some other reason? But I
don't want to lie.

"Accident," I say much too loudly.
"I had an
accident.
And I'm still recovering."

They all stare at me. My words have come out in
halting spurts.
Lovely, Jenna.

"You don't have to tell us
—"