The Aim of a Lady (17 page)

“Who was that young man?”

“Mrs. Lewis’s nephew Harry.”

“Is this the first time something like this has taken place? You must be honest with me, Diana. I will not punish you."

“I promise you it is, George, though he has kissed me before.”

“How long have you known him?”

“Two or three weeks.”

George drew a hand through his hair. “Diana, do you understand what you were about to do?”

“Well, yes, I think so.” Her face had become fiery red.

“Tell me.”

“We... were... about to ..."

“You were about to mate, Diana. Have you not been told that young girls do not behave in such a fashion?”

“I suppose so.”

George attempted to keep the exasperation out of his voice. “You have seen animals mate, Diana. To what purpose do they do so?”

“To have babies,” she whispered.

“Precisely. Have you a desire to have a baby out of wedlock?”

“No, George, I did not think of it.”

“I want you to do so now, Diana. I also want you to understand that when a man marries you he will expect you to be a virgin; that is, a woman who has not previously mated.”

“Do men not mate before they are wed?” she asked innocently.

“Damnit, Diana, we are not talking about men.”

“I see,” she replied coldly.

He shook his head in aggravation. “All right, my dear, we will talk about men, too. Yes, most men mate before marriage.”

“Then how is it that there are un-mated women left to be married?” she asked with interest.

“Virgins, Diana. Well, men mate with women who have already lost their virginity.”

“Married women?”

Distracted, George ran his hand through his hair again. “How have you reached the age of eighteen without learning any of this?” he asked peevishly.

“Who was there to tell me?” she retorted and lifted her chin defensively. “If you do not wish to tell me you need not.”

“I am going to tell you,” he grumbled. “Obviously you need to know. You are of gentle birth, and you are expected to live by the rules which govern our particular group of people. One of those rules is that you do not mate until you are wed, and you mate only with your husband once you are wed. There are those even in the highest levels of society who do not live by those rules, and they are sometimes condoned; but I should never like to see you be one of them. In exchange for the privileges you receive because you are of gentle birth, the respect you command, you must endeavor to live by the rules laid down for you."

“You still have not explained whom men mate with,” she reminded him.

“I am coming to that,” he replied with asperity. “There are some women, almost never of gentle birth, who do not live by the same rules as we do.”

“How convenient for men!”

“Diana,” he said threateningly, “I want you to listen without another word. These women make their living by selling their bodies to men. It is not a pleasant life, as you can imagine, and often is embarked on without a real appreciation of the consequences. Can you understand that?”

“Yes, I suppose so, but, George, I cannot see why a man would pay a woman when he could marry someone and...”

“Not every man wishes to marry.”

“Then perhaps he should not mate,” Diana suggested stubbornly.

“Today, when you were in the woods, did you know that you should not be intimate with Harry?”

"Yes."

“Then why were you about to?”

“Because I..."

“Precisely, you felt a desire to do so. Well, men often feel that desire, and as we live by the rules which forbid us to mate with unmarried women of quality we satisfy our desires in the only honorable channel.”

“It does not sound so very honorable to me. And what of women who desire to mate? What do they do?”

“Nothing, until they are married.”

“How very unfair!”

“Yes, it is, Diana, but there is no help for it. I should hate to see you with child and unmarried. You would be ruined. It is not a matter taken lightly by society, nor ever forgiven.”

"I see."

“I do not know how it is with women, Diana,” he said apologetically. “Since most manage to enter marriage as virgins I have always suspected that their desire is perhaps not so general as men’s, but I cannot be sure. It may be that a woman’s desire is not inflamed except by actual contact with a man. If that is the case then the rules which say you shall not have any intimate contact with men before marriage make some sense. Ordinarily you could rely on a young man of your station not to impose himself on you. Your friend Harry was an exception, perhaps too young to understand the gravity of his offense. You are not to see him again, Diana.”

“But I am very fond of him,” she pleaded.

“Do you think you could trust him to behave himself properly?”

Diana did not answer.

“Then you must not see him again, my love, for it would be sure to lead to trouble.”

A lone tear rolled down her cheek.

“I would not forbid it if it were not so very important, Diana,” he said sympathetically. “But your friend is not someone you would wish to marry if he would treat you so. Please believe me. In time you will feel better.”

And in time she had. Harry had left the area and Diana spent more time with her other friends. She had tried to discuss with the young women their own feelings of desire, but they shunned such discussions and as often as not had no idea what she meant. Diana had begun to feel an oddity, the only woman she knew who experienced this desire. There were any number of men who were attracted to her; but she was not attracted to them, and they never went beyond mere dallying. Nevertheless, she started to dress less attractively except for special occasions, and the young men were not such a nuisance.

Walter Dodge, virtuous as he was, courted her because he thought her goodness was worthy of him, and it did no harm that she was beautiful as well. Frank Edwards thought her a gem of the first order and had a burning desire to exhibit such a prize catch in London, where she was practically unknown. Diana had not experienced desire with either of these two men, in fact, had only experienced it in a general way in the years since Harry. She had learned to deal with her own needs, something she had never discussed with George, of course; but she was content with her life and her pursuits.

It was therefore with a great deal more surprise than her brother suspected that she had succumbed to passion in Alma’s arms. Their turbulent acquaintance had not prepared her for her reaction when he held her. And in spite of what she had said to George, she had indeed learned that she was now in control of herself, if only because she would never shame her brother so. The memory of George’s words had been with her, and she had thought of Alma’s shame if he allowed himself to conclude what he had started. Somehow she knew too, even if Alma did not, that he would not have. For all his cantankerous behavior there was a hard core of decency about him which would have brought him up short of taking her virginity.

Diana sighed and rose to dress for dinner. She should never have insisted on removing the arrow. That was at the root of all their problems, she suspected. She had shamed Alma and today’s events were an attempt, though unconscious probably, to prove his power over her, to show that his masculinity was dominant in spite of all her petty tyrannies.

The five people who sat down to dinner that evening were rather subdued. Mrs. Lewis had learned that Lord Alma was leaving and she supposed that she would no longer be needed at the Park. George had told Alonna only that there was a bit of tension between Alma and Diana again, and the two themselves were enough to make even George cringe. Alma treated Diana with the deference he might have shown his own grandmother, and Diana acted as though she were. It would have been very amusing to George if it had not been so pathetic. Their performance continued through the evening, even to the songs they chose to sing, lugubrious numbers with no life to them. George felt a profound sense of relief when Diana announced that she was going to bed.

She was tempted to stay in bed the next morning and allow Alma to leave without her saying good-bye, but she did not do so. She and George and Alonna were there to see him climb into his carriage. With due gravity, Alma thanked Diana for her attention to him during his stay, and she responded that it had been her pleasure.

When the carriage with Crusader tied behind was out of sight she had her mare saddled and took a long ride. On her return George invited her to come with him to Trafford Hall, where he would stay for a few days before heading for London to speak with Alonna’s father.

“I thought you might like to stay on at the Hall with me,” Alonna suggested, “since most of your friends are not here. George will only be there a few days.”

Diana considered the possibility and at length agreed to it, for George would not stay long in London, but would wish to return to the Park to set things in motion for its new mistress. When George had left them alone Diana and Alonna discussed the changes George had suggested in the suite which would be his wife’s.

“George has told you that I intend to move to the Dower House, has he not?” Diana asked.

“Why should you do that? There is plenty of room here, certainly,” Alonna protested.

“Yes, I know, but I have always thought that a newly married couple should have their house to themselves. I shall not mind, you know. I rode over to the Dower House the other day to inspect it. It has not been occupied in years and I have an itch to start work on it.”

“But this is your home, and has been all your life.”

“Then it’s high time I made a change,” Diana replied with a grin.

“I wish you would not,” Alonna said sadly. “I shall feel as though I have driven you out.”

“Don’t be a goose!” Diana hugged the younger woman. “I shall be here more than you wish, no doubt.”

“No, I shall be happy to have you around any time...well, almost any time,” Alonna confessed with a blush.

“Alonna, George suggested I speak with you about the desire women feel for men, but I do not wish to embarrass you. When I have tried to talk with my friends they do not seem to wish to speak of it.”

“I’m sure I would have found the same, my dear, but I have several sisters who have been married for some years and they did not wish me to be so innocent as they had been, so we have discussed it often. I was shy about it at first but they persisted, telling me that the more I understood about physical relations between men and women the more I would be able to cope with men and eventually marriage.”

“Do you think it’s natural for a woman to experience desire for a man sometimes?” Diana asked hesitantly.

“I hope so,” Alonna laughed. “My sisters married men they loved and they are not ashamed to admit that they feel desire for their husbands. I had not understood so well until I met George.”

“But you have never felt desire for someone you did not love?” Diana asked.

Alonna’s eyes twinkled. “I would not say that. I have met some very charming rascals who were...exciting.”

Diana heaved a sigh of relief and smiled at her friend. “Yes, I suppose that is true. I’m glad we talked, Alonna.”

* * * *

Their stay at Trafford Park was more pleasurable than Diana had expected. George was welcomed by his old acquaintances and she herself was adopted by them into a round of morning calls and dinner parties. Although George had insisted that she dress her best for their stay, Diana was not reluctant. The announcement of Alonna’s engagement to Vallert had not been retracted, as that young man had refused to be intimidated by her threat. Since George was eager to set the matter straight, and to receive Lord Franston’s permission to wed his daughter, he suggested after a few days that he should leave for London.

Margaret had considered the possibility of her father being stubborn and said, “I think you should go with him, Alonna. I feel sure Papa will not refuse his permission if you are there.”

“I do not expect any trouble with Papa,” Alonna retorted. “I am sure one man is just as well as another to him so long as I am safely married off soon.”

“No doubt, but I think it would be wisest. You have never been seen with Vallert since the announcement, and it will lend credit to your version of the matter if you are seen with George.”

“True. Do you wish me to come, George?” she asked, turning to him.

George had been leaning against the mantelpiece listening to their discussion and it had suggested an idea to him. “Yes, I think it would be wise. I should like Diana to come, too.”

Diana turned a startled gaze to her brother. “Me? Why ever do you want me to come?”

“For several reasons, my dear. Many of your friends are there already. It will be sadly dull at the Park right now, and you will need to choose some clothes for my wedding,” he reminded her glibly.

“Do come, Diana,” Alonna urged. “London is quite active at this time of year and we can go to the theatre and to balls and ride in the park.” Alonna hugged her friend and whispered in her ear, “I could use your support, love. Please say you will come.”

A strange mixture of emotions had engulfed Diana when George suggested that she accompany them. Her natural reluctance to face the stilted style of society was tempered by a strong desire to indulge in the sophisticated pastimes just this once. Her freedom at the Park was all very well and entertaining, but she was curious to see another way of life, one which both George and Alonna, not such very different people than she, seemed to enjoy wholeheartedly. She no longer really feared that she was Incorrigibly Loose, either, and her previous refusal had been largely based on that premise and maintained willy-nilly in the face of any contrary evidence. But Alma would be there, and she was not sure she wanted to see him. “Very well, I should like to come,” she agreed.

Chapter Fifteen

After conveying Alonna to her father’s, and leaving word that he wished to speak with Lord Franston, George settled his sister in his town house. Diana had seldom been in London and then for only a few days each time, and she agreed to take her maid with her to the modiste George recommended while he settled his business.