THE ALL-PRO (2 page)

DAN:
Right. Zimmer and the Pirates are one and the same. Not signing him means great loss of life and also general sadness among many. Like I was saying, even if Zimmer is available, no one is going to pay him top dollar with his age and history of concussions. Don Pine’s contract with Ionath is also up at the end of 2684, but he’s also
old
and he’s not even starting for the Krakens. The young-gun quarterbacks, like Themala’s Gavin Warren and the Orbiting Death’s Condor Adrienne, are either tied up in long-term contracts or protected for two years due to promotion from Tier Two to Tier One. Barnes is a free agent, he’ll only be
twenty
in Earth years and he’s shaping up to be a superstar.

AKBAR:
You know, Renaud averaged 315 passing yards per game and Barnes averaged 268 when he played the entire game. Barnes isn’t
that
far behind the best quarterback in football right now. For all the great roster moves made by Gredok the Splithead, he messed up by not signing Barnes to a long-term deal.

TARAT:
I think Barnes will carry some animosity at being paid league minimum for two years.

DAN:
But will Gredok make Barnes the highest-paid player in the league? Will he lock him up?

AKBAR:
If he doesn’t do it, someone will. The Bartel Water Bugs need a QB. And sooner or later, the Pirates need to replace Zimmer.

TARAT:
And my sources tell me that the Mars Planets have new investors. They badly want to return to Tier One and are willing to spend the money to get there.

DAN:
But would Barnes drop to a Tier Two team if the five time GFL champion To Pirates are willing to make him Zimmer’s heir? I don’t think so.

TARAT:
Humans are obsessed with finances, Dan. There is no limit to what your species will do when money is part of the equation.

AKBAR:
And let’s not forget the gangland factor. As far as we know, someone will strong-arm Barnes into signing. Anna Villani did that with Condor Adrienne.

DAN:
Hey now, Akbar, let’s not go making wild accusations.

AKBAR:
What the hell do you mean
wild accusations
?

TARAT:
That means a baseless claim or an assertion that lacks facts or supporting evidence, Akbar.

AKBAR:
Thanks, Tarat. You’re always so helpful. Why don’t you have another spider snack? Do you guys think that Condor Adrienne walked away from the Whitok Pioneers and signed with the Orbiting Death just
because
?

DAN:
Akbar, you can’t deny that Villani is putting together an impressive team. Adrienne? Yalla the Biter at linebacker? And Chooch Motumbo at running back to replace Ju Tweedy?

AKBAR:
Don’t you mean replace
the murderer
?

DAN:
I mean
replace Ju Tweedy
, Akbar. There is no evidence that Ju killed Grace McDermot.

AKBAR:
And I’ve got a wormhole to sell you.

TARAT:
But there is no such thing as a wormhole.

AKBAR:
Exactly.

DAN:
Anyway, Villani’s spending the bucks to make a run at Tier One. She locked up Adrienne, which means that after the upcoming 2684 Tier One season, Barnes is going to be the biggest catch on the market.

TARAT:
He should get an agent.

AKBAR:
No kidding. Barnes makes league minimum. And have you seen his commercials? The Miller Lager commercial is awful. The kid can’t act at all.

TARAT:
I thought the commercial was very informative about the benefits of the product.

DAN:
Oh, for crying out loud. The only other commercial he did was that one for Sayed Luxury Yachts. Barnes didn’t say anything, just stood there looking all quarterback-ish. He should do more like that.

AKBAR:
Maybe he should just worry about football. Let’s be honest — he pulled the Krakens out of the fire last year and stayed in Tier One, but he hasn’t proven anything other than he can sling the ball if his offensive line gives him time. We have to see if he’s focused this year.

DAN:
If he’s focused? Why wouldn’t he be dialed in like a laser?

TARAT:
My sources say he’s spending time with Somalia Midori, the singer of the band Trench Warfare. Apparently, her appearance is what you Humans would call
distracting
.

AKBAR:
Distracting? Yeah, that’s a good word for it.

DAN:
You can say that again. That is, if you’re into 6-foot-6 supermodels with legs up to the moon. But to each their own. You know what? Let’s go to the callers. Can Barnes handle his newfound celebrity and elevate the Krakens to a playoff team? Line three from Wilson 6, you’re on the Space.
Go!

CALLER:
Yeah, I hope Barnes loses focus this year, so that New Rodina can get him cheap. Rick Renaud’s betrayal left us hurting this year. Renaud should be shot!

TARAT:
I think that is a bit extreme for leaving a team. For fumbling the ball, it is acceptable, but not for leaving a team.

DAN:
The New Rodina Astronauts have about as much of a chance at signing Barnes as I have at stealing Somalia Midori away from him. Two words:
not gonna happen
. Next call, line five from Alimum, you’re on the Space.
Go!

From
The Ionath City Gazette

by
TOYAT THE INQUISITIVE

NEW YORK CITY, EARTH, PLANETARY UNION — GFL Commissioner Rob Froese today announced the 2683 All-Pro selections. This elite group is well represented by the Orange and the Black. Dominant left tackle Kill-O-Yowet and defensive end Aleksandar Michnik were named among the league’s best at their positions.

Kill-O and Michnik became Ionath’s first Tier One All-Pro players since 2675, when Moog-A-Vero earned the honor, also at left tackle. The Krakens were relegated to Tier Two at the end of the 2676 season. The 2683 campaign was the Krakens’ first Tier One outing in seven seasons of play.

Quarterback Rick Renaud was named the league’s most valuable player on the heels of his 11-1 season with the New Rodina Astronauts. Renaud threw for 3,780 yards, a new single-season record for twelve games and averaged 315 per game with 27 touchdowns and 9 interceptions. Renaud led the Astros to the GFL championship game, where they lost 23-17 in a double-overtime thriller to the Wabash Wolfpack.

This is the last season that the All-Pro selections are announced after the Galaxy Bowl. Beginning in the upcoming 2684 season, the All-Pro team will be named at the end of Week Thirteen, right before the playoffs begin.

Quarterback

Rick Renaud

New Rodina Astronauts

Gavin Warren

Themala Dreadnaughts

Frank Zimmer

To Pirates

Running back

Don Dennis

Themala Dreadnaughts

Jack Townsend

Yall Criminals

Stephen Schacknies

New Rodina Astronauts

Fullback

Ralph Schmeer

Wabash Wolfpack

Kahn-En-Roll

New Rodina Astronauts

Wide receiver

Atlanta

New Rodina Astronauts

Angoon

Isis Ice Storm

Victoria

To Pirates

Naksup

Wabash Wolfpack

Tight end

Brandon Rowe

Alimum Armada

Rich Evanko

New Rodina Astronauts

Tackle

Kill-O-Yowet

Ionath Krakens

Maik-De-Jong

Neptune Scarlet Fliers

Steve Henry

Alimum Armada

Guard

Lor-En-Zen

Jupiter Jacks

Al-E-Rand

Bord Brigands

Mik-Gar-E

Sheb Stalkers

Center

Graham Harting

To Pirates

Kola-Kow-Ski

D’Kow War Dogs

Defensive end

Ryan Nossek

Isis Ice Storm

Steve Owens

D’Kow War Dogs

Aleksandar Michnik

Ionath Krakens

Interior lineman

Stephen Wardop

Wabash Wolfpack

Gum-Aw-Pin

Sala Intrigue

Cian-Mac-Man

Lu Juggernauts

Outside linebacker

Douglas Glisson

New Rodina Astronauts

Richard Damge

To Pirates

Jan Dennison

Neptune Scarlet Fliers

Inside/Middle linebacker

Mike Dowell

Jang Atom Smashers

Chaka the Brutal

Isis Ice Storm

Cornerback

Xuchang

Jupiter Jacks

Matsumoto

Mars Planets

Smileyberg

Coranadillana Cloud Killers

Free/Strong safety

Cairns

Shorah Warlords

Ciudad Juarez

To Pirates

Tulsa

Neptune Scarlet Fliers

SPECIAL TEAMS

Punter:
Ryan Allen

Chillich Spider-Bears

Place kicker:
Shi-Ki-Kill

Coranadillana Cloud Killers

Kick returner:
Chetumal

Hittoni Hullwalkers

COACH OF THE YEAR

Alan Roark

Wabash Wolfpack

LEAGUE MVP

Rick Renaud

New Rodina Astronauts

QUENTIN BARNES WALKED DOWN
the stone steps of Smithwicks Arena. Another Sunday, another packed stadium.

But this time, he was just a spectator.

He headed for the best seats in the house — lower level, against the glass, at the midfield line. Two burly HeavyG guards walked in front of him. Just behind him walked John Tweedy and Rebecca Montagne. Behind them, two additional guards. Heads turned as the group descended. Some of those heads were for Quentin, he knew, because his face had become more than just a little bit famous during the recent 2683 Tier One season. Only
some
of the looks were for him, however, because most heads turned to stare at the woman walking by his side.

The 6-foot-6, blue-skinned, spike-mohawked lead singer of Trench Warfare — Somalia Midori.

His date.

“Quentin, this is wild-wild,” she said. Somalia looked around the stadium’s shallow bowl, taking in the strangely dressed League of Planets natives. “You take a girl out for bloodsport? Such a classy-flashy act.”

He wasn’t sure if she was being genuine or sarcastic. He was never really sure with her. But it was only their second date. He had yet to figure out the nuances of her sense of humor. Any time he wasn’t sure what she meant, though, just one look at her made all the confusion worthwhile — perfect blue skin, a tall, blonde mohawk sure to block the view of anyone sitting behind her, an outfit that would barely qualify as undergarments back on Micovi. The singer of his favorite band of all time and she was
his date
to Dinolition.

Quentin felt a fist pound his left shoulder, hard enough to hurt, hard enough to almost make him tumble down the stadium’s tan stone steps. Quentin didn’t react with violence, however, or even a hint of surprise — when John Tweedy was your best friend, you were going to get hit all the time for just about any reason conceivable. John was what people called
excitable
.

“Q!” John screamed, practically in Quentin’s ear. “Thanks again for the tickets. This is going to be great!”

Quentin hoped so. He had to admit, this was pretty exciting. He hadn’t been a spectator at a non-football sporting event since leaving Micovi. He’d seen plenty of football games, for certain, traipsing around the galaxy with Krakens head coach Hokor the Hookchest for Tier Two and Tier Three ballgames, scouting for players that might fill a spot on the Krakens’ 2684 roster. Sometimes team owner Gredok the Splithead came along, sometimes backup quarterback Donald Pine.

The hunt for players was what had brought Quentin here, to Wilson 6, for the Tier Three tournament. The two-week tournament hosted games mostly in the big football cities: Jang, Hittoni and Einstein. The Jang Atom Smashers and the Hittoni Hullwalkers played in Tier One, while the Wilson 6 Physicists were a Tier Two team from the city of Einstein. Dinolition, on the other hand? You only found that fringe sport way out in the Wastes.

The two guards in front stopped at the bottom of the sandstone stairs. They turned their backs to the clear, twenty foot high enclosure, then gestured to the right, along the row of fold-down seats. Beyond the high crysteel walls, Quentin saw the dirt playing field some ten feet below.

He went down the row first, followed by Somalia, then Rebecca and John. It still felt weird to get the star treatment, even a bit uncomfortable, but he suspected that he’d get used to it pretty fast. Free transport to the Wastes, four on-the-glass tickets to the spectacle that was Dinolition, full personal security and four-star hotel accommodations? Yeah, stardom had some perks.