Read The Alternative Hero Online
Authors: Tim Thornton
The Alternative Hero (47 page)
Well, what if I did?
I look in my jacket pocket. There’s my boarding pass, handily tucked into my passport. The flight leaves in forty-five minutes. I
look at a departure monitor: it’s on time. “Go to gate,” in fact. Not much hard currency, no change of clothes, no laptop, not even a toothbrush. But a cheque for ten thousand pounds. It’s a Friday tomorrow. All I need is an envelope and stamp, to send it to my bank manager (who’ll probably fall off his chair). Perhaps a quick call to my folks to let them know I’ll be away for a bit, and to ask if they can transfer me a hundred quid or so until tomorrow, when my (ahem) ten grand comes in. If I beg them hard enough, they’ll agree. Especially if going abroad is involved—always makes my mother nervous. She’ll instantly start to worry I’ve taken up drug trafficking. Maybe a text to Polly, to tell her I’ll be paying back the cash for the plane ticket sooner than expected, but that I’ll be gone for a few days and she can use the kitchen for whatever foul, depraved activity she likes. I check my phone for Billy Flushing’s US number. Could I drop him a line now, to let him know I’m on my way? No, I should surprise him.
I really
could
do this.
New York in the summertime. I walk slowly in the general direction of the flight gate, even spotting an “I heart NY” mug in a souvenir shop (although who would buy this at a London airport is a mystery). Okay, so I didn’t fully “heart” NY on my first trip, but I’ve heard it improves with each visit. I could saunter down the avenues and along the streets, snooze in Central Park, perhaps amble over a bridge or two, browse in the bookshops, stop in the cafés, couple of pints of … Whoa, remember what Webster said. Take it easy. Maybe, just for once, I should be a little careful. If Flushing is to be believed, there could be an army of useful people out there. They’d like to see Clive Beresford the writer, not Clive Beresford the filing-clerk piss-head. Let’s set the yardarm for slightly later in the day, shall we? There’ll be plenty of time. All the time in the world.
I locate a few cursory items for the flight, post my cheque, call my
parents and send my message to Polly, then mount the travolator for the short ride to the gate, a little smile forming at the ends of my lips. I can see the planes taxiing about outside in the sunshine, weaving their way among the baggage buggies and the traffic controllers, everything slightly out of focus through the clouds of exhaust. In the distance, a jumbo rockets into the sky. Perhaps it’s Mr. Webster, zooming off to whatever awaits at the other end. Lance Webster, the man who crawled through a river of indie filth, to emerge on the other side, battered, bruised and a little torn around the edges, but clean, in one piece, and without the bailiffs hammering at his door. And although my mind is still in too much of a muddle to really believe it, it’s a tale of survival in which I seem to have played a small supporting role. I give a little nod to the rapidly ascending plane, then turn back towards my own onwards journey.
As I spot my flight gate in the distance, I take my phone from my pocket one last time and, with a final mischievous thought, hammer out the following:
Hello boy. Hope all good. Just to say I’ll be away for a bit. But also: I got the whole story from Webster. Every last bit of it. I’ll tell you soon. Have a lovely weekend x
I press send, and—picturing Alan’s astonished gasp, his abrupt exit from a meeting to immediately phone me back, and his frustration at being greeted only by my voice mail for a good few days to come—turn my phone off.
I reach the end of my ride, step lightly off the belt and stroll towards my waiting plane.
a cognizant original v5 release october 07 2010
THIEVING MAGPIES
Monument
/ Videopsychomania / The Ballad That Never Ends
February 1987, 7″/12″, Abandon
Siamese Burn
/ Inappropriate Girlfriend / I’ll Give You Action If You Give
Me Peace
September 1987, 7″/12″, Abandon (UK chart position: 72)
Soapbox
/ Zeitgeist Man / Marlow Meltdown
May 1988, 7″/12″, BFM (UK chart position: 43)
SHOOT THE FISH
September 1988, LP/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 18)
Scared of Being Nice
Siamese Burn
If I’m Still Sober, You’re Still Ugly
Soapbox
Now That You Are Fashionable
Have You Stopped Talking Yet?
Chopped Heart
I Always Hated Love Songs
Me in a Room
All the Bees Are Dead
Scared of Being Nice
/ Mad Chicken in a Mud Wrestle / Celebrity Spares
October 1988, 7″/12″, BFM (UK chart position: 41)
What If Everyone Goes Mad?
/ The Bitch Is Still Around / Something About
Him / Zeitgeist Man (Live)
May 1989, 7″/12″/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 15)
War on the Floor
/ The Great Kilburn Cop-Out / Arguably the Last Time
October 1989, 7″/12″/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 12)
LOVELY YO UTH
February 1990, LP/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 5 US: 67)
Rancid/Putrid
Tube Screamer
War on the Floor
Look Who’s Laughing
When You Were Fun
Lovely Youth
Pit Pony
Little House on the Flight Path
The Hell You Went Through
Camp David
Everyone Behaves Like a Cunt So Why Can’t I?
Look Who’s Laughing
/ Jason Got It Wrong / Centrefold
February 1990, 7″/12″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 9)
Pit Pony
/ With Hilarious Consequences / What If Everyone Goes Mad?
(Live) / Bette Davis Eyes
July 1990, 7″/12″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 27)
Roundpeg Squarehole
/ King Mother / Roundpeg Squarehole (Bandwagon
Jumping Tie-in Mix) / War on the Floor (Live) June
1991, 7″/12″/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 7)
The Cool and the Crooks
/ Bleached Whale / When Girls Fight / Hold Back
the Rain
January 1992, 7″/12″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 5 US: 64)
BRUISE UNIT
February 1992, LP/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 2 US: 10)
The Cool and the Crooks
Bad Little Secret
Memories of …
Walking on the Mines I’ve Laid
Roundpeg Squarehole
Bad Wiring
Plant Life
This Is What You Wanted
Even If You Were a White Man
Lose It
Maybe You Were Jesus
Bad Little Secret
/ The Harridan of Old Brompton Road / The Cool and the
Crooks (Live) / Bad Little Secret (Undressed Version)
April 1992, 7″/12″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 2 US: 15)
Walking on the Mines I’ve Laid
/ Mobile Phone / Lose It (Live) / Maybe You
Were Jesus (Live)
July 1992, 7″/12″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 13 US: 46)
Memories Of …
/ Candid Casualty / Leyton Layabout / Pit Pony (Live)
October 1992, 7″/12″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 17)
MTV UNPLUGGED
April 1993, LP/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 5 US: 36)
Roundpeg Squarehole
Have You Stopped Talking Yet?
Bette Davis Eyes
Bad Wiring
Chopped Heart
Hold Back the Rain
This Is What You Wanted
Walking on the Mines I’ve Laid
Look Who’s Laughing
When You Were Fun
Bad Little Secret
Zeitgeist Man
Retro Hetero
/ Far from Eleven O’Clock / Back to Blighty
April 1995, 7″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 4)
THE SOCIAL TRAP
May 1995, LP/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 1 US: 6)
Contribution
Bells Around the Ankles
Try Blinding
A Good Time Was Had by None
The Happy Sound of Daytime Radio
Scenes from a Nightmare
Retro Hetero
Keep It Out of My Face
Personal Space Invader
No One Likes a Grown-Up Pop Star
Class of 1946
Contribution
/ Dehydrate Now! / Picasso Visita El Planeta De Los Simios
August 1995, 7″/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 7 US: 24)
LANCE WEBSTER
COMMERCIAL SUICIDE
August 1997, LP/Cassette/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 25)
Guardian or Thief
More Than Ever
Blissful Indignance
Walk-In Disaster
His Fax Beats Out the Blues
Laughing on the Other Side of Your Face
Fuck You and Your Opinions
Yes, the Rumours Were True
While You Get Ready for Bed Someone Else Is Just Getting Up
Disposal
The Bad Life
Blissful Indignance
/ An Awfully Long Way from Reading / Chicken Death
October 1997, 7″/CD, BFM (UK chart position: 42)
Although a work of fiction, this novel mentions many nonfictional bands and people. Similarly, it refers to certain events, musical and otherwise, that really did take place. Into some of these I have rudely inserted the appearance of an imaginary pop group called Thieving Magpies. However, a few completely fictional events and undertakings are also mentioned, into which I have even more rudely parked some of the aforementioned
non
fictional bands or people. In these instances I have attempted to keep to what could have been feasible at the time—for example, The Boo Radleys could certainly have been one of the major supporting attractions at an outdoor music event near Aylesbury in the summer of 1995; Carter USM might have agreed to do a fanzine interview before their Marquee show in the autumn of 1989; Crispin Glover could theoretically have appeared in a 2004 Hollywood comic-book adaptation—and so on. Nonetheless, for me to say they (fictionally) did so remains a liberty, and I’d therefore like to gratefully salute all such bands and individuals appearing throughout the text, expressing my sincere hope that they will view my liberty in the spirit intended.
While we’re here, I’d also like to warmly extend my gratitude to a number of people who have given this novel’s journey—from one-page Word document to finished book—their assistance, ranging from moral support, via considered advice, right the way through to this-bit’s-rubbish-you-should-change-it style edicts. All of it essential and thoroughly appreciated, thank you: Adrian Weston and all at Raft PR & Representation, Dan Franklin and Alex Bowler and all at Cape, Sonny Mehta and Diana Coglianese and all at Knopf, Sumit “the Great Connector” Bothra, Guy Whittaker, Fin Greenall, Heledd “I was there” Williams, Richard Mays, Jannik Tai Mosholt, Jaime Turner, Iain Baker,
Marcus Karenin, Darren Tate, Adrian Boss, Jim Bob, Andrew Mueller, Jonathan “syntax” Goldstein, Colin Midson, Paul Chinnery, Peter Buckman, Michael Ogden & Chris Day, all at MTW, Damian Samuels, Thornton/Lavender and Forcina families, and finally—with lots of love—to Crestina, without whom I’d probably have more in common with Clive than is physically or mentally healthy.
Grateful acknowledgement is made to the following for permission to reprint previously published material:
Alfred Publishing Co., Inc.: Excerpt from “Stuck on Amber” and “Wake Up Boo!” by Martin Carr, copyright © 1995 by Warner Chappell Music Ltd. (PRS). All rights on behalf of Warner Chappell Music Ltd. (PRS) administered by WB Music Corp. (ASCAP). All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Alfred Publishing Co., Inc.
Gorno Music: Excerpt from “Add It Up” by Gordon Gano, copyright © 1982 by Gorno Music (ASCAP). Reprinted by permission of Gorno Music, administered by Alan N. Skiena, Esq.
Hal Leonard Corporation: Excerpts from “Dancing with Myself,” words and music by Billy Idol and Tony James, copyright © 1981 by Chrysalis Music Ltd. and Universal Music Publishing Ltd. All rights for Chrysalis Music Ltd. in the U.S. and Canada administered by Chrysalis Music. All rights for Universal Music Publishing Ltd. in the U.S. and Canada controlled and administered by Universal-PolyGram International Publishing, Inc.; excerpts from “Hobo Humpin’ Slobo Babe,” words and music by Gordon Cyrus, Cia Berg, and Henrik Schyffert, copyright © 1994 by EMI Music Publishing Ltd. All rights controlled and administered by EMI Blackwood Music Inc. International copyright secured; excerpts from “How Was It for You?” words and music by Timothy Booth, Lawrence Gott, and James Glennie, copyright © 1992 by Blue Mountain Music, Ltd. International copyright secured; “I Don’t Know Why I Love You,” words and music by Guy Chadwick, copyright © 1988 by EMI Music Publishing Ltd. All rights in the U.S. and Canada controlled and administered by
Colgems-EMI Music Inc. International copyright secured; excerpts from “Silver,” words and music by Kurt Cobain, copyright © 1989 by The End of Music and Primary Wave Tunes. All rights controlled and administered by EMI Virgin Songs, Inc. International copyright secured; and excerpts from “Unbearable,” words and music by Malcolm Treece, Robert Jones, and Martin Gilks, copyright © 1987 by Universal Music Publishing Ltd. All rights in the U.S. and Canada controlled and administered by Universal-PolyGram International Publishing, Inc. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of Hal Leonard Corporation.
Tim Thornton plays the drums for the alt/blues artist Fink.
The Alternative Hero
is his first novel.
THIS IS A BORZOI BOOK
PUBLISHED BY ALFRED A. KNOPF
Copyright © 2009 by Tim Thornton
All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Alfred A. Knopf, a division of Random House, Inc., New York, and in Canada by Random House of Canada Limited, Toronto,.
www.aaknopf.com
Knopf, Borzoi Books, and the colophon are registered trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Thornton, Tim, [date]
The alternative hero / by Tim Thornton.—1st ed.
p. cm.
eISBN: 978-0-307-27236-2
1. Rock music fans—Fiction. 2. Alternative rock musicians—Fiction. I. Title.
PS3620.H785A48 2009
813′.6—dc22 2009014054
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
v3.0