The American Lover (20 page)

To prove his point, he raised his hips to grind his solid length against me, and as I was just as desperate to feel him inside me, I took hold of his length and then slowly lowered myself down onto him. No preamble, no foreplay required, we were both more than ready for this.

Caleb groaned as he threw back his head, closing his eyes as I let myself sink down until he was all the way in, stretching and filling me in exactly the way I needed. The look of pure unadulterated pleasure on his face made me feel so good about what we were doing together here. How could this be wrong? How could giving and receiving such pure unadulterated pleasure be anything but beneficial?

I looked over at the mirror, watching myself as I slowly started to ride Caleb, smiling as he opened his eyes and started watching too.

Who was this confident, sexy woman? Was it really me?

Of course it was, I reminded myself, because this is who I used to be, this is how I used to feel when Drew and I made love.

Empowered and special and desirable.

And I could somehow sense Drew’s approval, that this is what he’d want for me, how he’d want me to remember him and think of him, after all those good times we’d shared together, not be that stupid pathetic creature who crumbled and fell apart every time she thought about him.

And that’s when I knew I’d be alright, that I could do this. I was finally becoming strong enough to handle moving on and becoming alive once more.

***

As I woke and opened my eyes, I saw Caleb leaning on his side, propped up on his arm as he watched me. I glanced at the clock and saw that it was still very early, too early to get up yet.

We’d spent a large part of the night having sex in a variety of positions, and it was hard to say which had been my favourite, because Caleb had taken great delight in making sure I came hard each and every time before he would let himself go, always with such a tender look on his face. I had to remind myself that being such a wonderful, considerate sexual partner did not equate to him being my lover, because love was not part of our equation.  Therefore, we had not been making love, we had been mindlessly fucking.  For certain, it had been the highest quality mindless fucking, but that was all there was to it, however caught up in the moment we’d been.

“Hi,” he grinned lazily, as he reached over to brush a strand of hair out of my eye.

“Hi yourself,” I smiled back, as I reached back to stroke his bristly cheek. I liked the sand papery feel of his skin when he needed a shave. It felt so masculine and so tactile.

“How are you this morning?” His face was etched with concern - he’d clearly been waiting for me to fall apart again, poor man.

“I’m fine. No tears this time. Honestly.” And it was true. I’d managed to hold back the panic by letting myself think of Drew in a positive manner, and I hadn't been overwhelmed with grief this time. I was coping, I was healing, and I was finding a way to move forward and have a sex life once more, thanks to Caleb giving me the freedom to leave playing the victim behind.

“I’m glad, really glad, Faith, because this is nice,” he whispered, as he took my hand and kissed it.

“What is?”

“Waking up in bed with you. I like it. A lot.”

He smiled, making the corners of his eyes crinkle up in such an adorable way.

“That’s handy, seeing as I’m not that keen on being booted out of bed before I've even had a chance to wake up properly,” I joked.

“I mean it, Faith.  You know, I think I could get used to this…” he suddenly looked serious, as he turned to gaze intently into my eyes, cupping my face with his broad hand.

“What do you mean? Get used to what?” I pulled back to read his expression.

“You and me, spending time together. Us. I’d like to spend more time with you, see more of you,” he said quietly.

“Oh, come on, Caleb, you know that’s not the way you do things.  You don't like getting involved, remember?” I frowned. “I think your mind’s been clouded by having lots of great sex, that’s all. Tomorrow when I’m back in London, you’ll soon have someone else warming your sheets for you.”

Caleb scowled back.

“Don't say that,” he muttered.

“Why not? It’s the truth, isn’t it? And don't worry, it’s okay, you told me how things were from the beginning, and it suits me just fine.  We agreed, neither of us is interested in anything else, in any kind of relationship, are we?”

“Maybe that’s been true up till now, but maybe things could be different if you took the job here, which I really think you should. You’re just so different from any other woman I've known Faith, and maybe you’ve gotten me starting to look at things differently. Please tell me that you
are
going to accept the position, because then I can talk to you about where we go from here.”

Alarm bells began to ring. Maybe I had been seriously considering taking the job, but even so, I hadn't let myself even begin to think about the possibility of anything developing with Caleb.  Firstly, because I never expected him to be interested in me in that way in a million years, and secondly, if I was being totally honest, there was a very great chance that if I let myself, I could really fall for Caleb, hook, line and sinker.  And there was no way on earth I was going to let that happen, because I was
never
putting myself at risk of getting my heart broken again.  I’d barely survived losing Drew, and although thanks to Caleb I was finally fighting my way out of my black hole, I certainly had no reserves left to deal with handling that kind of emotional crisis again.

So either way, now Caleb seemed to be thinking about changing the rules between us, it meant there was no way I could take this job and relocate to San Francisco. Silly boy, he was mistaking sexual compatibility for something else, because that’s all it could possibly be between us, and I had to put a stop to these foolish notions of his. 

And the only possible way to do this was to put as much distance as I could between us, before it was too late, and concentrate all my energies on figuring out what my future held back in England. It might hurt now, but nowhere near as much as if I was stupid enough to let things progress any further.  If I moved to California, Caleb would soon tire of me, as the novelty factor of having an amusingly quirky English lover wore off, and then I'd have to suffer the embarrassment of being dumped. 

Or it could potentially be even worse than that.

If by some billion to one remote chance, things ever did actually develop into something serious between us, I'd have even more to lose.
Just like Drew, Caleb could go and get himself killed too, couldn’t he?

I sighed as I looked at Caleb’s gorgeous handsome face, and I could almost believe he was sincere, that maybe he actually believed he had feelings for me.

What a fool I'd been to play such a dangerous game, because how could anyone spend time with Caleb and
no
t fall for him? And not just because of his looks, but because he was a really good man, with a really good heart. But right now, I couldn’t face arguing with him, and spoiling what little time we had left together.

“You’ll have my answer about the job soon,” I promised evasively.

Then I set about distracting him with yet more great sex.

It worked, and I must have worn Caleb out, because he fell back into a deep sleep afterwards.  He looked so rested and peaceful, so to avoid spoiling things with awkward goodbyes, I decided it would be easier all round if I just left right now while he was still sleeping. I quietly collected up my things, headed downstairs, paid the bill, then jumped straight into a taxi that by good chance happened to be waiting outside, instructing the driver to take me back to my hotel in the city, refusing to look back as I left.

Then I set about deleting, cancelling or blocking all means of communication with Caleb.

I had to. It was the only way to put this chapter of my life behind me. 

Yes, it was the coward’s way out, sneaking off to take an earlier flight, just leaving him a letter by way of a goodbye.

But it was for the best.  As he’d told me himself, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, so Caleb would thank me for this in the long run.

I dried my tears.

Falling in love was not an option for me. 

Been there, done that, had the T-shirt, along with my heart, ripped to shreds.

I
let her go. 

I don't deny it was a total shock when I discovered Faith had gone, run out on me, to catch an earlier flight back to London.

But I didn't go after her, or try to stop her in any way. 

Instead, I let her slip through my fingers. 

So just like that, she was gone.

And it fucking hurt. Literally, physically hurt.

But I only had myself to blame.

I’d chickened out, I hadn't pushed myself, I hadn't told her how I really felt, because I was stupid and because I was a coward.

I hadn't told her that I thought I was falling in love with her, that I’d started to believe that we could be on the verge of something exciting, something that hinted at us having a future together, something that could open up all sorts of possibilities.

When I’d started to say something on the last morning we were together, I’d seen the fear in her eyes, and I hadn't had the guts to confront it.

Maybe because I felt some of the exact same fear.

Having feelings, caring for someone again, made you vulnerable.  And I really didn't care to be hurt again.

So fuck it.

If that was how she reacted, maybe it was for the best if she fled back to hide in her own little world, I told myself, as I read and re-read the short letter she left for me.

And wasn’t it just fine and dandy, that she was ‘
extremely grateful and flattered by the job offer, but had decided to pursue a career back in the U.K’
.  Great, after I’d put myself out on a limb by personally recommending her for the position I'd insisted needed to be created.

So, again, fuck it.

After Cassie, I was done with all that relationship crap, wasn’t I?

Okay, so Faith wasn’t Cassie. Faith was not a cheat. And unlike my ex-wife, I could hold meaningful conversations with Faith. And while we laughed and joked and messed around together a lot of the time, we could also just
be
, we could happily spend time together without any need to speak.

I could even talk to her about work, I could run ideas by her to get some honest feedback, because I respected her opinion. Faith had a decent brain, unlike my vacuous ex, and I’d discovered what an incredibly attractive attribute that is in a woman.

Faith made me realize that I’d always gone for looks over substance, always picking overtly sexual women.  So I'd been caught off guard by the way Faith’s subtle understated beauty and quiet intelligence had completely blown me away, making other women seem blowsy and coarse in comparison.

Which left me wanting her, really badly wanting her, but I'd scared her away by the clumsy way I’d handled things.

Now all I had left was this stupid fucking letter.  Aside from anything else, career wise I truly thought she was making a huge mistake by turning down the opening I'd engineered for her.  And in her personal life, I honestly believed a fresh start somewhere new was exactly what she needed to kick start her life again, after the horrendously painful experience she’d been through. 

And I’d thought I could be there to help her start over, especially as I was certain she’d be a big success at American Western, that she had the potential to do really well. It hadn't taken long for everyone, including my boss, Bob Tyler, to realise what an asset she’d be, how she was uniquely qualified to smooth things along.

And after the wonderful couple of days we’d just spent together so relaxed, and having fun in each other’s company, I’d really thought Faith was going to say yes, that she was going to accept the job and that we could maybe work something out between us too.

But it wasn’t to be.

Not only did Faith run out on me, but when I couldn’t get through on her cell to find out what was going on, I tried emailing her instead. But my worst fears were confirmed when it bounced back, and I realized she’d blocked me, done everything she could to cut me off.  Later on, I discovered she’d even called in sick back at work in London, so I couldn’t reach her there, either.

Her message was loud and clear.

Leave me the fuck alone.

Back the hell off.

So, very stupidly, I did exactly that for a while, as I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t bothered or worried. I was done with all that relationship crap, so I’d had a lucky escape, hadn't I? But none of this logic explained why I felt totally gutted instead of relieved, why I spent hours moping as I kept replaying how I could have done things differently, to have ended up with a different outcome.

Then a week or so after Faith left, my brother Seth turned up unannounced at my place one evening, complete with a pack of beers.

“Thought I'd just drop by, seeing as you haven’t been returning any of my calls.” He pushed passed me, sauntering through without waiting to be invited in.

“I’ve been busy,” I replied, as I closed the door and followed him through. Seth set about making himself at home on my couch, stretching out his long legs, opening himself a beer and then handing me one.

“As in busy with this Brit chick?” He studied my face as he waited for my response. Clearly my brother wasn’t intending to leave any time soon, and short of physically manhandling him out of my place, there was little I could do, so I reluctantly sat down next to him on the couch and set about answering his questions as succinctly as possible.

“No, as in busy at work.”

“But she did come over didn't she? This Faith, wasn’t that her name?”

“She did. And now she’s gone back to London.” I really wasn’t in the mood for this, but Seth could be annoyingly persistent and determined.

“That’s a shame.  I was hoping I'd get to meet her.”

“Not gonna happen, little bro.” I took a swig of beer.

“Oh? Keeping her all to yourself, frightened I'll steal her from you once she’s moved here?”

“Nope. And FYI, she’s not moving here,” I said as casually as I could manage.

“She’s not? How come?” His beer stopped half way to his mouth in surprise.

“She decided she’d rather pursue a career back in the U.K. That’s all,” I shrugged nonchalantly.

“But… I thought… You and her…” he frowned.

“Well, you thought wrong.  I told you Faith was just a colleague.  She was made a job offer.  She turned it down.  Her choice. End of story.”

“But you must be pissed, seeing as you were her mentor and recommended her for the position,” he frowned.

“Yeah, I wasn’t too thrilled.” I didn't let on that I hadn't actually told anyone at work that she’d turned the position down yet.  In her letter, she’d asked me to inform HR of her decision, but for some reason, I’d prevaricated and told them she needed more time to talk it through with her family back home.  I was holding on to the vague hope that maybe she would come to her senses and at least take the job, even if she didn't want anything to do with me. I didn't want to be the reason she turned down a great career move, so that was my justification for not shutting the door just yet. If push came to shove, Roz D’Souza would just have to get on with handling things, although it’d hardly be the ideal solution.

“Didn't you use the old Mackenzie charm to try and persuade her?” Seth winked.

When I didn't answer, Seth put two and two together.

“Shit. You did try and it didn't work. Wow, that’s a first. You must be losing your touch.” He whistled through his teeth and shook his head.

At this point, I didn't bother trying to deny things. Fact was, Seth was always going to get to the bottom of things at some point.  That was exactly why I hadn't taken any of his calls, but that was also exactly why he’d known something was up, and why he’d obviously felt the need to seek me out.

“It wasn’t like that, Seth. It’s complicated.  Faith is complicated. The whole situation is way too complicated and fucked up, so just leave it.”

“But you do like her, right?” he persisted.

“Yeah, okay, I like Faith, she’s different than any other woman I've ever met.  But it’s irrelevant, how I feel doesn’t change anything.  Faith has made her choice, and it wasn’t to give relocating over here with me a shot. So now I have to respect her decision.”

“Bullshit. I think it’s pretty damn obvious what’s going on here,” he stated.

“Oh really. Feel free to give me the benefit of your insight,” I muttered sarcastically.

“You're both running scared, scared of taking that first step toward any kind of commitment.  So as I see it, one of you needs to take charge, grow some balls and get on with making things happen. And personally, I don’t think growing balls should ever be down to the lady.”

“Fuck off, Seth.  You know nothing about any of this,” I growled, hating the fact that he was probably correct.

“What, so you're happy to carry on mindlessly fucking whatever easy lay comes your way for the rest of your days? You don't think someone who’s finally gotten through to you, after you’ve spent the last couple of years trying your hardest to fuck your way into oblivion, is worth fighting for?”

“Easy for you to say, Seth, but what the fuck am I supposed to do here? Faith’s hidden herself away on the other side of the world.   She’s totally blocked me, won’t take my calls or emails. She couldn’t make it any clearer that she wants nothing more to do with me.”

“Which only goes to prove how strong her feelings for you must be, because she doesn't trust herself to deal with you.  Just think about it.  If you weren’t a threat, don't you think she’d be happy to take your calls? Nah, it’s obvious she’s worried she’ll cave the second she hears that sexy old voice of yours,” Seth grinned as he took another swig of beer.

I hadn't thought of it like that. A little ray of hope shot through me. Maybe Seth had a point?

“Yeah, but even if what you’re saying is true, what the fuck can I do about it?  She’s left, gone back to London, remember?”

“Well,
doh
, I thought you were meant to be the brother with the brains here. I take it you know where she lives in London, that you could track her down?”

“Yeah, but…”

“Well then, for fuck’s sake, get yourself on the next flight over to London, go sit on her doorstep and refuse to leave until she lets you in.

“You mean pretty much like you did today, in coming here?”

“Yep. Sometimes you gotta be kinda pushy with stubborn, pig headed folk,” Seth chuckled. “Look, just do whatever it takes to get yourself there with her, and refuse to leave until she agrees to talk things through with you, so you can find out how she really feels about all this supposed complicated shit.  If it turns out she hates your guts and never had the hots for you in the first place, at least you’ll know where you stand.”

“I’m not sure… I’d have to take time off work…” I hesitated, as I considered whether I could throw caution to the wind and act as Seth was suggesting, when being impulsive did not come naturally to me.

“Just fucking do it, man! I thought you called the shots at work these days, so just do whatever you need to do to get yourself over to London!”