The Arabian Nights (New Deluxe Edition) (64 page)

Then the host asked, “My guest, if you are full, then would you like to drink some wine and be merry?” My brother said to himself, “Enough. I will do something to him that will cure him of these antics.” Then the host cried out, “Bring the wine,” and, giving my brother a cup, said, “Drink it and let me know how you like it.” My brother replied, “It has a good aroma, but I am used to drinking a different wine.” The host cried out, “Give him another kind,” and saying to my brother, “Health and pleasure to you,” pretended to drink a toast. My brother, pretending to be already drunk, replied, “My lord, I cannot drink any more.” But as the host insisted, my brother, still pretending to be drunk, raised his arm until the white of his armpit appeared and suddenly hit the host on the back of the neck with a slap so hard that the place resounded with it. Then he gave him another slap, and the host exclaimed, “What is this, you vile man?” My brother replied, “My lord, you have admitted your slave into your house, fed him, and given him wine to drink until he became drunk and unmannerly. You should be the first to tolerate his foolishness and pardon his offense.” When the host heard my brother's reply, he laughed heartily and said, “Fellow, I have been making fun of people for a long time, but never till now have I met one who has the wit and ability to humor me like you. I do pardon you.”

But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said to her sister, “What a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!”

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The following night Shahrazad said:

I heard, O happy King, that the tailor told the king of China that the barber told the guests that he said to the caliph:

The host said to my brother, “I do pardon you. Be a real companion to me and never leave me.” Then he summoned several servants and ordered them to set a real table, which they laid with all the dishes mentioned, and my brother and the host ate until they were satisfied. Then they moved to the drinking chamber, where they found young ladies like moons, who played all kinds of musical instruments and sang all kinds of songs. There they drank until they got drunk. The host felt a great affection for my brother, treated him as intimately as a brother, and bestowed on him a robe of honor.

Next morning, they resumed their eating and drinking, and they continued to carouse for ten full days. Afterward the Barmaki entrusted his affairs to my brother, who managed his estate for twenty years. But when the man died—Glory be to the Living who dies not—the king seized all his property, including that of my brother, leaving him a helpless pauper.

My brother left the city and wandered all alone until some bedouins set upon him on the road and, capturing him, brought him to their camp. Then his captor began to beat him, saying, “Ransom yourself with money,” while my brother wept and said; “My lord, I have no money, not even one dirham. I am your captive; do with me what you wish.” The bedouin took out a knife and cut off my brother's lips, still trying to get him to pay. It happened that the bedouin had a pretty wife, who, whenever her husband left, used to make advances to my brother and try to entice him, but he refused her until one day she succeeded, and he came to her and began to pet her, when suddenly the husband came in and, seeing my brother, said to him, “Damn you, are you trying to debauch my wife?” Then he took out his knife and cut off my brother's male organ. Then he carried him on a camel and cast him at the side of a hill, where he was found by some travelers, who recognized him and gave him food and drink. When they informed me about him, I went to him, carried him back to Baghdad, and made him an allowance to live on.

Here I stand before you, O Commander of the Faithful, and it would have been wrong of me to leave without letting you know about the six brothers I am supporting.

When the caliph had heard the entire account of my brothers' adventures, he laughed heartily and said, “You are right, Silent One; you are neither a meddlesome nor a talkative man; but leave this city at once and settle in another.” Then he banished me, and I went from country to country until I heard of his death and the succession of another caliph. Then I returned to Baghdad and found all my brothers dead and afterward met this young man, to whom I did the greatest of favors, for without me, he would have been killed, but he repaid me in the worst of ways, leaving the city and running away from me. I wandered in many countries until I chanced to meet him here. Now he accuses me of what is foreign to my nature, spreading lies about me and claiming that I am a garrulous man.

But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said to her sister, “What a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!”

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The following night Dinarzad said to her sister Shahrazad, “Sister, if you are not sleepy, tell us one of your lovely little tales to while away the night.” The king added, “Finish the story of the roguish hunchback.” Shahrazad replied, “Very well”:

I heard, O King of the age, that the tailor said to the king of China:

Yesterday, when we heard the barber's story and realized that he was a garrulous fellow who had wronged the young man, we seized him, bound him, and locked him up. Then we sat and enjoyed the banquet till late afternoon. When I left and came home, my wife scowled, and said, “You have been roaming around and partying all day, while I have been sequestered at home. If you don't take me out now, I will leave you.” I took her out and we entertained ourselves till nightfall. When we returned home, we met the roguish hunchback, who was very drunk. I invited him to our house, bought fish, and we sat down to eat. When we were almost finished, I took the last piece, which happened to have a bone, crammed it into his mouth, and held it shut. He choked, his eyes bulged, and he stopped breathing. I rose and boxed him on the back, but the piece lodged in his throat and he died. I carried him and contrived to get rid of him in the house of this Jewish physician, who contrived to cast him into the house of the steward, who contrived to throw him in the way of the Christian broker. This then is the story of my adventure yesterday. Isn't it more amazing and extraordinary than the hunchback's story?

When the king of China heard the tailor's words, he shook his head with wonder and delight and said, “Indeed, the story of the young man and the meddlesome barber is better and more entertaining than the story of the hunchback.” Then he ordered one of his chamberlains to go with the tailor and fetch the barber from his place of confinement, saying, “I would like to see and hear for myself this silent barber, who has saved you all from me. Then we will bury this roguish hunchback, for he has been dead since yesterday evening, and we will build him a tomb.” The chamberlain and the tailor departed at once and returned with the barber. When the king of China looked at him, he saw a very old man, more than ninety years of age, with a white beard and eyebrows, floppy ears, a long nose, and a simpleminded look. The king laughed at his appearance and said to him, “Silent One, I would like you to tell us one of your tales.” The barber said “O King of the age, why are this Christian, this Jew, this Muslim, and this dead hunchback before you, and what is the cause of this gathering?” The king of China replied, laughing, “Why do you ask?” The barber answered, “I ask so that your Majesty may know that I am no meddler and that I am innocent of the charge of being garrulous, for I am called the Silent One.”

But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said, “Sister, what a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if the king spares me and lets me live!”

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The following night Shahrazad said:

I heard, O King, that the king of China bade the barber be told the story of the hunchback. When he heard the story, the barber shook his head and said, “This is amazing. Uncover for me this hunchback.” Then he sat down and, taking the hunchback's head in his lap, looked at his face and burst out laughing until he fell on his back. Then he exclaimed, “How amazing! To every death there is a cause, but the story of this hunchback deserves to be recorded in letters of gold.” Those present were puzzled by his words, and the king of China asked him, “What do you mean, Silent One?” The barber replied, “By your bounty, there is still life in this hunchback.” Then he untied a leather bag from his belt and, opening it, took out a jar of ointment and applied it liberally to the hunchback's neck. Then he took an iron stick and, inserting it into the hunchback's mouth, pried open his jaw. Then he took out a pair of tweezers, thrust them down the hunchback's throat, and drew out the piece of fish with the bone, soaked in blood. Suddenly the hunchback sneezed and stood up, rubbing his face with his hand.

The king and all those present marveled at the story of this roguish hunchback and how he lay unconscious for a full night and a day until God sent him this barber, who saved his life. Then the king of China commanded that the story of the barber and the hunchback be recorded, and he bestowed robes of honor on the steward, the tailor, the Christian, and the Jew and sent them away. As for the barber, he bestowed on him a robe of honor, assigned him a regular allowance, and made him his companion, and they continued to enjoy each other's company until they were overtaken by death, the destroyer of delights.

But morning overtook Shahrazad, and she lapsed into silence. Then Dinarzad said to her sister, “What a strange and entertaining story!” Shahrazad replied, “What is this compared with what I shall tell you tomorrow night if I live! It will be the story of Abu al-Hasan Ali ibn-Tahir al-'Attar and Nur al-Din Ali ibn-Bakkar and what happened to him and the caliph's slave-girl Shams al-Nahar. It is a story that will entertain the listener and delight the one who is fortunate to hear it.”