The Arrangement Anthology (65 page)

“You want me to do what?” Mel snaps at Sean with her hands plastered firmly to her curvy hips. The girl is wearing sweatpants and still looks gorgeous. It’s amazing. Come to think of it, Mel is amazing, period. She goes to class, does her work, turns in papers, has high test scores, and manages to live this double life, all without breaking a nail. The job doesn’t seem to bother her. I wonder how much of that is an act? It’s hard to jump out of the center of a raging river without any help. Most people just drown, but Mel keeps going. She’s close to the end and we both know it.

Sean’s voice has
the soft, patient tone that means he’s ready to lose it and go nutso on her ass. “Drive back to the dorm and leave Avery with me. When people ask where she is, tell them that she came back with you. If someone’s keeping an eye on her, I want them watching the dorm and not looking for her here.”

Mel folds her arms over her chest while Sean speaks and then sighs dramatically. “So
, what? You can mess with her head even more? I can take care of Avery, okay. I got skills.” Mel works her jaw as she stares him down.

Sean steps into Mel’s space. Her arms drop to her sides and her fingers flex, ready to throw a punch. I step forward and try to interrupt, but Sean talks over me. Glaring at her, he snaps, “Someone is t
rying to hurt her. There are enough people who’d want to do it that I can’t even venture a guess at who it might be, which is why they need to think she has no clue. That means we should make it look like she heads back to New York with you. Actually doing that would be the height of stupidity.”

Mel is ready to explode.
“You don’t know jackshit about me. I can throw a knife—”

He cuts her off.
“I don’t doubt that you can. And I don’t question your ability to defend Avery—or yourself—if you know where the attacker is and what he plans to do, but we don’t. Those variables are hidden at the moment, and having two people watching her back is better than having one. When it comes to a knife fight, my money’s on you, but this isn’t that kind of fight. Someone is manipulating her, trying to move Avery into a position that’s still unclear. If they wanted to physically hurt her, they would have done it already. That’s not what this is about.”

“You think I can’t out
smart someone?”

Sean is practically g
rowling. If he was a dog, his hackles would be raised and he’d be flashing his fangs. “Why do you have to be so argumentative? Don’t you want to keep her safe?”

“Why do you think that you can do a better job than me?
” Mel is on her toes, yell-screaming in his face. “I’ve kept her safe until now.”

Sean blinks and looks surprised.
“You did?”

Mel’s jaw drops and she’s quiet for half a beat. Then she pushes a finger to the center of his chest.
“Damn straight, I did. I did a bunch of stuff that you don’t have a clue about because you weren’t there, Ferro. You and your fucked up shit were somewhere else, nailing some other call girl.”

Sean’s gaze is
lethal. For a moment he says nothing. A breeze moves through the trees, rustling the leaves and blowing Sean’s dark hair. He relaxes as if he’s lost the fight and then throws the killing verbal punch. “I see. Remind me again who introduced her to Miss Black in the first place?” Mel’s entire body starts shaking and her mouth opens like she wants to scream, but Sean’s voice is soft and careful, which is rare for him. It makes Mel freeze in place, like a banshee about to wail. “Two people watching out for Avery is better than one.”

Mel snaps her mouth shut and
she tucks her hands into the crooks of her arms. “Fine, but I hate you.”

“As long as you take care of Avery, I respect you.”

“Awh, fuck.” Mel drops her arms to her sides like a pouty little kid. “You can’t be nice to me, Ferro. What the hell was that?”

“The truth.
” Sean glances at me, like he doesn’t know what to do with me. “Avery’s friendships are questionable at best. Everyone has something on her, except you. If people find out what she does, you go down with her. I don’t extend trust often, so don’t blow it.”

I expect Mel to go all
cray cray on his ass, but she just rolls her eyes. “Like your trust matters to me, tightey whitey. I’m done with this conversation.” She turns to me, “Avery, you’ll have to put up with this loser for a little while longer. Don’t do something stupid while I’m gone. And if you decide to give him that ring, you should shove it up his ass.” She walks away muttering obscenities. I can tell she likes Sean, a little, but still thinks he’s more trouble than he’s worth.

“Uh, Mel,” I call after her. She gives me
a super-irritated look after turning around. Giving her a half smile, I hold up my keys. “You need these. And when I get back, we can hit IHOP. Promise.”

Mel snatches the key ring from my hand. There’s a unicorn on it from when I was in seventh grade. My mom gave it to me after Missy Walker humiliated me in the girl’s locker room. My boobs were virtually
nonexistent then, and Missy made sure everyone knew it. There’s a story my mom told me, about seeing through the surface and recognizing the magic that lies beneath. No one notices that the white animal is a unicorn at first. They see a snowy mare and nothing more. It isn’t until you really look at the thing that you see its horn. It’s transparent and gleams against the silver plate, and it’s the kind of thing a person misses if they look quickly.

My mom taught me to look beyond the surface
and I can’t help but smile because Mel is like that. On the outside, she’s beauty and fire, fang and tooth. She’ll rip a person to shreds for the fun of it. At least it seems that way at first. It isn’t until you spend time with her that it becomes clearer that she’s been hurt beyond repair and that her nature is protective more than anything else.

We’re all like that, all
three of us. We’ve been destroyed by this life. The thing is, I don’t want it to be over. I don’t want to resign, dig my grave, and jump in. As long as there’s still air in my lungs, I want my life back. I want to have a family again. I want to love and be loved. I refuse to keep treading water, because it’s getting me nowhere. Day by day, I grow wearier and I’m sick of it. I want to live again and I know the path to that life lies with these two friends.

Mel rubs her thumb over the metal unicorn. She smiles and shakes her head at me, like she knows me better than she should. “You know I love me some pancakes. And Avery—everything is going to work out.” Her voice catches
in her throat when she says it, like she knows worse things will be coming.

I’m stuck inside the house, watching the construction crew for a few hours, before Sean shoves a helmet on my head and tells me to get on the back of his bike.

I take it off,
jump to my feet, and follow him outside to where his motorcycle is parked at the curb. Shoving the helmet back at him, I say, “I’m not taking your only helmet.”

Sean’s
eye twitches slightly before he rubs his hands over his face to hide the tic. I’m not being annoying enough to cause that, but Sean seems to think so. “Then what do you suggest?”

“That you
put it on, so you don’t have to wear scrambled brains on your shoulders for the rest of your life. If you add a face that’s been smeared like roadkill to that growling and eye-twitchy thing you got going on, well, people will talk, Sean, dear.”

Sean glances up at me
, cocking an eyebrow. “When did I growl?”

“Not right now, but you do it frequently when someone pisses you off and
since everyone pisses you off—” I shrug my shoulders.

“Avery, what’s it going to take to get your ass on this bike?” I’m
quiet for a moment. My mind is still stuck on the fact that Sean growls at people, but he doesn’t make that noise in the bedroom. He must read my thoughts, because his annoyed pout turns into a sultry smirk. “Avery, stop thinking about sex.”

My jaw drops. “I was not!”

“You were too. Your eyes get this doe look before you space out and fail to answer important questions.” Sean is straddling the bike, and I have no recollection of when he got on. My eyes can’t help but rove over his jeans which are hugging his thighs. I’d love to feel those thighs around me again, but I won’t do it. I know whatever we had is done, unless I want to be his mistress—and I don’t.

I won’t settle. If I do, I’ll be stuck in
limboland, pining over some guy who isn’t courageous enough to try again, and I can’t fathom being paired with Sean if he feels that way.

I mean, the man
is amazing, but I’m not happy staying like this. I want to move on, and it seems like he’s content to stay stuck. I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to lose a spouse and a child. I can’t imagine what Sean felt sitting through the trial that followed their deaths, either. Is it bad that I want Sean to let go of that? Can’t he hold onto the good and let go of the bad?

I smile to myself, because it sounds so simple, but it’s fucking hard. If I could separate the good
memories from the bad, then I wouldn’t be talking to my parents’ tombstone when things get bad. I’d be able to accept that they’re gone and look back at the time we had together with joy instead of gut-wrenching remorse.

I’m a
hypocrite. How can I expect Sean to let go of his demons when I visit mine on a weekly basis?

I sit down hard on the curb and let out a sigh.
Staring at the spokes, I ask, “So, why’d you buy Peter a house here? I can’t picture you living in a place like this. I mean, I assume you like it since you bought it for him. At least on some level, but this is the kind of house that I’d want to grow old in, not you. I can’t imagine the bad-ass Sean Ferro with little flower gardens and a sweet Cape Cod with white gingerbread trim on a tree-lined street.” I place my hands on my stomach and lay back on a patch of grass and smile up at the sky.

“Are you wondering if you chose the wrong Ferro?” There’s a teasing tone in his voice, but it’s laced with
a tension that tells me he really wants to know.

I don’t look over at him. I know he’s sitting on
his bike, looking like a modern god with that toned body, tight dark shirt, and the perfect dusting of stubble on his strong jaw. “No. I chose the right guy, he just didn’t choose me back.”

“Avery—”

Smiling, I say, “No, Sean. It’s the truth and it’s something that I need to realize. There’s no future for us. You’ve been saying that from day one, but I didn’t listen. I thought I could change you, or that you’d come around, but this house proves it—it shows how different we are and differences like that can’t be changed. They’re too big. The chasm is too wide. The only thing that moving forward will ensure is that one of us ends up at the bottom of the ravine, smashed to bits, and I seriously doubt I’m up for that right now.” Plus, I know I can’t fly and I’m not so stupid that I’d try.

Sean slips off his bike and sits next to me. He doesn’t lay back and look at the way the leaves dapple the light and cast lacy shadows on the ground. I’d never expect him to even notice. It’s not that Sean’s oblivious, that’s not it. It’s more that he only pays attention t
o the important things in life.
He’s paying attention to you
, the little voice inside my head whispers. I tell her that she’s stupid and shove her back into the closet at the back of my head. She’ll have me picking out a wedding dress if I listen to her ideas. Idiot.

To my surprise, Sean leans back
in the grass and asks, “What are we looking at?”

A smile
spreads across my lips. I can’t hide how much it means to me. “My future. I want a house with a big maple tree and a grassy lawn. I want to lay on it in the summer and feel the blades of grass between my fingers and toes. I want the sensation of the cool dirt on my back as I try to figure out where the sky ends and the heavens begin. I want a toddler that runs out and jumps on my stomach, begging me to play. I want to take him to the beach and kiss his little toes.” My smile fades as I look over at him. “Do you ever feel like your life is right in front of you, but you have no idea how to step into it? I mean, it’s right there. There’s a guy that’s crazy about me who offered me all of these things and I said no.” I said no. I didn’t give that guy a chance. Marty wants the same things I do. That match would have made sense, and stepping into that life would be easy.

Sean stiffens because he knows exactly who I’m talking about. “I thought you didn’t feel like that toward Marty?”

I shrug. “Does it matter how I feel? He’s a great guy and we have fun together. I know he’d take care of me and give me everything I could ever want.” I speak to the branches at the base of the massive tree, wondering how horrible it would be to marry Marty. I’d get the house and the kids. I could have my life without being a call girl. Marty would take me in a heartbeat. I know he would. Turning my face to the side, I look at Sean. “Does it bother you to hear?”

He’s quiet for a moment and then swallows hard. “I didn’t realize that he was so serious about you.”

“He is. The guy is larger than life. He doesn’t do things small and I can’t help but notice that Marty wants me the way I want you. It’s easy to see. Irony’s a bitch, huh? Or is that karma? Either way, I’m screwed no matter how you look at it. The guy I want doesn’t want me, and the guy that wants me, well, he doesn’t compare to you.”

Sean’s voice is flat.
“I ruined your life.”

Smiling softly, I glance over at him.
“No, you didn’t.” Sean makes a face that says he doesn’t believe me. “No, seriously, you made it better. You made me see that I can choose to stay where I am or try to claw my way out. I plan on clawing, and it would have been nice if you were somehow factored into that equation, but I’ll take what I can get. That’s the way the world works. Besides, I’d rather have you as a friend than nothing at all.”

Sean takes my hand
in his, and the both of us lay there for a while as buddies.
Amigos. Compadres
. I can totally do this. I can ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach and the way my arm tingles because he’s holding my hand. Everything doesn’t have to be sexual, even though I want him that way. I won’t think about the fact that Sean didn’t correct me, that he didn’t say our relationship is nothing like mine and Marty’s, and that it’s not completely lopsided. No, I won’t think of any of those things. I’ll lay here and hold his hand, because that’s what he’s offered—his friendship.

Yeah. Being stuck in the friend zone sucks.