The Art of Keeping Faith (12 page)

Baz looks at me like I am mad. “And having a famous boyfriend currently taking the States by storm isn’t?”

“Is he?”

“Of course. Lilah are you not following the band’s progress at all?”

I squirm for a moment. “Yeah kind of, but you know it’s hard. I am just here doing all the boring student stuff and he is off doing all those amazing things with the band. It was different in the summer when I was at home and could talk to him, or stalk him. But now I am just having to live my life, too.”

Baz appraises me for a moment, keen eyes reading mine. “I do understand, you know. More than you think.”

“What does that mean?”

“It’s a story for another day.”

“Tell me now,” I insist. Patience is not one of my strongest suits.

“Nah. We are going to play, aren’t we?”

Nodding in agreement I settle on the counter for a round of our favourite game.

Baz is three songs into guitar karaoke where I shout random song names and he magically knows how to play them when my phone vibrates again.

Ben.

Damn it.

Richard:
btw I had no idea you were such a big Lady Antebellum fan.

Shit.

Me:
I have no idea what you are talking about.

There is no reply, but I am sure he is off somewhere laughing about it with all his football buddies.

Great. That’s all I need, not only am I the girl who won and lost a rock God, not once but twice, I am also now going to be known as the girl that likes musicals and country music.

My street cred has always been painfully low—it may be about to get far worse.

3rd November

12.08 a.m.

I am sleepy, I may have been in a coma; I could hear the phone ringing in my dream. It was a dream where Ben was being bombarded on stage by hundreds of girls only wearing black underwear.

Finally I realise that the noise in my head was not the fire alarm going off and all the girls weren’t being showered in water from the fire-sprinklers overhead and that it was in fact the house phone ringing and if the house phone was ringing at just gone midnight it could only be one person.

I dive down the hallway probably breaking the land speed record.

“Lilah?”

“Ben?”

A silence settles on the line and I hear the spark of his lighter.

Shit my cigarettes.

“Hold on, I’ll be right back,” I shout and dash back down to my room grabbing my packet of fags and then skid back along the wooden floor boards to the phone.

“Do you not think, Lilah, that we should invest in a cordless phone? That way you would always be able to answer even if you are in bed.” My stomach takes a dive at the way he says my name.

“That is a good idea.” I agree although I know I will never bother to go and buy one.

Ben also knows this and gives a little chuckle down the line. “I’ll get you one for your birthday.”

I can think of better things for a birthday present, like sex. Or a diamond ring.

What the fuck? Where did that come from?

“Lilah? Are you there?”

Yeah I am here, lost in some crazy daydream where you come home and propose to me and we can live happily forever after with me trailing your rock star arse all around the world.

“Um, yep I’m here. How are you?”

“Missing you.”

“Really?”

“Yep, are you not missing me?”

“Of course I am.” I sigh a little. Oh, I so am. “So how’s it going?”

“It’s manic, Lilah.” My stomach does another little dip at my name low in his throat. He must be cradling the phone very close to his mouth, he sounds so near I can almost feel his breath along my neck. “I’m sorry I have not been able to speak to you very much. I hate it, but it’s impossible to find ten minutes to even think for myself let alone make a call.”

“Ben, it’s okay. I hear you guys are doing really well.”

“Yeah we are. Better than I ever thought. Better than I think anyone ever thought.”

“The others must be loving that?”

Dave has been desperate for fame; it’s what drives him. Ben does not share his best friend’s enthusiasm. Well, he didn’t but then I guess that may change now he has had a taste for it.

“So what have you been up to, probably a lot more fun than I’m actually having?” He takes a drag on his cigarette.

“Oh God, you know. Last night the girls dragged me to The Fez. I was in my pyjamas and everything but they wouldn’t let up.”

“Oh, I am sure you took a lot of persuading.”

“Well, I was doing it for Meredith really. She is acting really odd.”

“Odd? Meredith, never! That’s why you two are best friends. You are both as odd as each other.”

“Whatever, Chambers.”

“So did you have fun?”

“Yeah it was okay, I threw up today until about eleven.”

“That’s my girl.”

“I knew you would be proud.”

“Always! So did you get home safe? I know what you are like for random decisions in these circumstances.”

“Uh. Yeah I guess.”

Tell him. Tell him.

“So did you get a cab then?”

“Maybe.”

I am complete rubbish.

“Hey, Lilah, I have been practicing a song for you.”

“Yeah, is it a new one?”

“New for us.”

“Cool,” I say but then stop any further words when I hear his fingers pick out the opening chords to “Singing in the Rain.”

Very bloody funny.

“Who told you?”

“Richard.”

Wanker.

“I woke to a text from Rich saying that he had got you safely home, did I know that you have a penchant for musicals—which I didn’t by the way—and that you missed me even if you were too proud to tell me yourself.”

“Shit. Ben. I’m sorry, I don’t know why I am being such a complete dick.”

Ben chuckles a little. “Listen, Lilah. I don’t mind if some other guy wants to walk you home to make sure you’re safe, so long as he is not holding your hand while doing it.”

“Definitely not holding my hand!” I proclaim loudly.

“Lilah, it kills me to have you so far away. If you were here I would be truly happy. But you’re not, and I know you don’t want to leave Uni. I do understand that, I am not even sure if I should have left.”

My heart stops for a beat.

“What do you mean?”

He gives a sigh that sounds loaded. “Well I don’t know. Maybe I should never have left. I should have just stayed there with you like I intended and told the band it was over. Then I would be the one walking you home hearing you sing. I would most definitely be holding your hand, and it would be me who could sit with you in the library and who goes jogging with you.”

Shit.

“You don’t even like jogging.”

“My love, I’m doing all kinds of crazy exercise at the moment.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“Everything apart from my favourite, which involves being naked with you.”

Silence.

“I miss you so much,” I say, my voice nothing more than a whisper.

“I know.”

“Are you still coming home for my birthday?”

“Sure am. I’m counting the days.”

“Me, too.”

“I’ve got to go, my love.”

“I know.”

“Listen, Lilah. Richard is a good guy, but I think you should be careful. He does fancy you and I know you would not want to hurt anyone.”

“He does not!!”

“Yeah, yeah, Lilah. You believe that?”

“It’s the truth, he has a girlfriend.”

“Ever met her?”

“Well no, but –”

“Lilah, it’s cool. You’re a big girl and I trust you.”

“I trust you, too.”

This may be an extension of the truth. Just a little.

“Can I book a telephone date with you on Wednesday if you’re not too busy?” he asks. Like he bloody needs to book a date with me.

“I may be able to squeeze you in.”

“Well that sounds like an enjoyable place to be.”

“Benjamin!”

“Love you, Lilah,”

“Love you, Ben.”

Then there is static air between us. Static air and a wide sea of separation that at the moment feels like it cannot be crossed.

5th November

We are all going out shortly to the big fireworks display—last year it could not have been more different. Last year it was throwing it down with rain and we got drenched to our skin. Last year Ben stood on the threshold to my room and told me in no uncertain terms that he wanted me to make the move to be with him. Just with him. Not me pretending to be in a relationship with him.

This year, I am in a relationship with him but it does not feel like a real one. This year he is not here to stand looking all sexy, wet and dishevelled while imploring me with eyes of the brightest blue.

This year it is not even raining. This year it is crisp and dry and Guy Fawkes is going to burn. I used to feel some commiseration for the old guy, being burned year in year out, but this year I don’t. But then again last year I got spectacularly burned myself, a few days after Guy Fawkes, and the wound took a long time to heal. Nope, that old codger is not getting any sympathy from me this year.

I keep thinking about what Ben told me about Richard. I have been doing a covert investigation of the situation at Uni but I am none the wiser. I am going to have to ask for some advice.

Five minutes later

“Mer, can I ask something?”

I am propped on the counter watching her create something awful in the kitchen. Of course it’s not food. She is attempting to make a hot chocolate-based cocktail in a thermos flask.

“Yeah, sure.” She does not look up. She is concentrating on pouring a spirit from a bottle into the neck of the flask.

“Do you think Richard fancies me?”

She looks at me sharply. “Why are you asking?”

“Ben told me.”

This makes her spill the Kirsch, or whatever it is she is putting in the hot chocolate, all over the counter. I should add she has also put Tia Maria and Vodka in there.

“So you have admitted to the jogging and the late night sing songs?”

“Not exactly, Richard told him.”

“Ouch. What did Ben say?”

“That he wished he was here, but he trusted me. But he also thought I should know Richard fancies me? It’s rubbish right? He has a girlfriend?”

“What do you care then, if that is what you believe?”

“Well, I don’t want to spend time with someone if they think it’s one thing and I think it’s another.”

“This sounds like a conversation you should be having with someone else, someone who is built like a brick shit house, has blonde hair and Bambi brown eyes.”

I purse my lips. “Nah, it’s rubbish,” I say after a split second of deep contemplation.

“Although, there is the Freshers’ Ball last year,” Meredith adds raising one eyebrow.

“What about the Freshers’ Ball?”

I remember very little from the first Freshers’ Ball, apart from drooling over Ben, snogging him and passing out. Saying that, I don’t remember a whole lot else from the second Freshers’ Ball either.

Oh, how I have grown.

“Well he is the reason Ben jumped off the stage,” Meredith states this like it is common knowledge.

“Pardon? What?”

Ben jumped off the stage at the Freshers’ Ball last year to try and catch me at the bar. He had seen me before and for some crazy reason remembered me and decided to try and talk to me before he lost me again.

“Well, Ben saw you from the stage, you were staggering all over the place, he watched you head out to that bar area but he could also see Richard watching you as well. Richard started to walk after you but got stopped by a group of guys and Ben decided to take his chance and leapt off the stage to get to you first. Did no one tell you this?”

“Um. No.”

”Well. I guess a few days later it slipped my mind when it was quite clear you had a major thing for Ben and he had one for you.”

“I did not. That quick!”

She tightens the lid onto the flask. “So are you going to ask Richard?”

“Are you frickin’ mad? Hey, Richard, how are you? By the way I am so completely self-obsessed that I think you fancy me. Cue demented laugh. Well, do you?”

“Would it matter if he did?”

“Well I’m not going to fancy him.”

“Then I would say that’s good enough. He is only a guy that you see occasionally, I don’t think it’s anything for you to worry about.”

“Agreed. When did you get so mature and wise?” I ask her with a playful nudge.

“Lil, I have always been more mature and wise than you.”

Fair Point.

Right that is a relief. I can worry about something else now.

“Is Trist coming out with us?” I ask as we vacate the kitchen.

“Nope, the miserable bugger says he does not want to hang out with student types all the time.”

“Did he really?”

“Yep.”

“What did you say?”

“I told him he was a boring old fart.”

“You’re not wrong. But as he is my twin I have to state that he is not old in the least.”

“Yeah, well he sure acts like it sometimes.”

There is little I can say to argue, but as we put on our coats and head out to meet our friends I can’t help thinking it is a little weird that Tristan is not spending as much time with us as he used to. The other day he did not come to Fez even though last year he was there all the time in the vain hope he might bump into Meredith. This year he can’t even be bothered to come and ooh and aah over some fireworks with us.

I may have to have a discreet word with him to see what is going on.

6th November

“What’s up, fuckface?”

Okay, discreet may not be my forte.

“Lilah? Why on earth are you up? It’s before seven?”