Read The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas Online
Authors: Robin Harvie
The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas
The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas
Edited by
ROBIN HARVIE
and
STEPHANIE MEYERS
Welcome to
The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas
, the atheist book it’s safe to leave around your grandmother. Here, you’ll find no chapters titled “666 Ways to Diss the Pope,” “A Beginner’s Guide to Church Graffiti,” or “How to Bash the Bishop.”
What you will find are brilliant contributions from forty-two
1
of the world’s most entertaining atheist scientists, comedians, philosophers, and writers, who have all donated their time, thought, and jokes for free to help you enjoy Christmas.
Maybe you bought this book for yourself, or perhaps there’s a price sticker over the
A
of
Atheist
and your devout great-aunt bought it for you, hoping to make you more religious. Either way, all royalties are going straight to the UK’s leading HIV and sexual health charity, Terrence Higgins Trust, so to whoever bought it: thank you. (What do you mean, you haven’t bought it yet and you’re still loitering in the bookstore reading this with your grubby thumbs on the pages? Take it to the counter this instant!)
We hope you enjoy every page, and that you have a truly excellent Christmas.
Truth is more of a stranger than fiction.
—M
ARK
T
WAIN
E
D
B
YRNE
“I’ve already done all my Christmas shopping for this year. I bought all my aunties socks and Y-fronts. See how they like it.”
For many years, that was my only Christmas joke. Seeing as Christmas can be quite a lucrative time for a jobbing comic, a time when you can get paid two or even three times your normal fee in compensation for having to entertain people who are two or even three times more drunk and rowdy than normal, you would think I would have written a slew of seasonal zingers to keep the paper-hatted hordes chuckling into their lukewarm mulled wine. But I never did. I would kick off with my little morsel of Christmas humbuggery and then carry straight on with my usual cavalcade of jokes about s
moking, drinking and slagging off Alanis Morissette. Why, I imagine you’re wondering, was this so? Why would somebody who, particularly in his early circuit days, was so eager to churn out crowd-pleasing material not hit that stage with an arsenal of Yuletide yuk-yuks? Surely someone with such a pragmatic approach to comedy would have at least a solid five minutes of holiday-based lateral thinking thrown into a box of sarcasm, wrapped in whimsy paper, and all tied up in the pink bow of impeccable timing. But no.
The reason for this is simple: I have always found it easier to write jokes about things I hate, and I don’t hate Christmas. Sure, there’s been some dodgy stuff left for me under the tree over the years. “Oh, did Santa run out of Scalextric sets? Well, I suppose Tamyanto make one just as good.” The Santa Claus that came to our house did not believe in paying for advertising. As I grew older and Santa was replaced by my parents, they continued in this vein. Maybe they were early anti-globalization activists and thought they should boycott major bicycle manufacturers like Raleigh or D
awes. Maybe that’s why at the age of fourteen I was the proud owner of the only Orbita ten-speed in all of North County Dublin.
It wasn’t that my folks were being cheap. They were just doing their bit to fight the power of Big Bike. I’m not saying that Orbita don
’t make a quality product, but I can’t help but think that they could have built up much better word of mouth if they hadn’t sold my dad a bike with two right pedals. Yes. Two right pedals. When it comes to bicycle pedals, two rights make a wrong. He did try to return the bike a couple of days later, but found out the hard way that a gift shop that wasn’t there before December 1 won’t be there after December 24. Well, I say
he
found out the hard way. He wasn’t the one pedaling to school with only one foot. By the time I was fourteen, I was so asymmetrically developed it took all my concentration not to walk in a circle.
Crappy presents notwithstanding, I’ve always been a big Christmas mush, enjoying the sentimentality of the season. New Year, I’ve always felt, can go and shite. Maybe that’s because as a kid I always used to babysit the neighbors’ kids so that the neighbors could go to a party at my parents’ house. But Christmas has always been my favorite time of the year. Even going to mass—a pastime I
obviously have little love for if I’m included in this book—was more fun on Christmas Day because we all got to look at each other in our Christmas clothes. Those of us who got decent trendy-looking ones got to point and laugh uproariously at the chunky-knit efforts of those less fortunate. This was one aspect of Christmas where my mother never let me down. We couldn’t afford Armani, but at least I never had to endure the humiliation of a reindeer on my sweater at age thirteen.
So Christmas has always been in my cool book. I’ve always found it easier to make fun of holidays like Halloween, which must be a very difficult time for pedophiles who are really trying to shake the habit. Imagine! You’ve got the urges. You know it’s wrong, so you lock yourself in the house out of harm’s way. October 31 rolls around and kids are knocking the door down. All of them dressed in cute little outfits, asking for candy. You don’t even have to offer. Sweets are being requested. That’s almost entrapment, if you ask me.
However, much like everything else since I hit my thirties, certain things are beginning to annoy me about my favorite holiday. Sure, there are the usual headaches that just come as you get older. Not enough time to go shopping. Swearing that next year you won’t leave it too late to do it online. Trying to come to a compromise with your wife regarding whose family you should spend it with—yours, hers, or perhaps some neutral family that you both loathe equally. Everything gets more complicated as you get older, and the responsibilities of adulthood are always going to do their best to choke the
living joy out of any occasion. I’m not really talking about that. I’m talking about something that I used to find exciting about Christmas as a youngster but as an older man I just find wearisome, and that is the length of the lead-up to it.
As you get older there are three things you observe: policemen are getting younger, teenage girls are dressing more like prostitutes, and Christmas comes earlier every year.
Christmas is a special time for a lot of us, and the rituals, sights, smells, and sounds that go along with it can be very effective at stirring up childhood memories of Christmases past and generating a nostalgic, sentimental glow. But if shops start hanging tinsel in October, it doesn’t take long for the spell to be broken. Seriously: when you hear Wizzard’s “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday,” does it remind you of sipping mulled wine next to a roaring fire or does it remind you of November in Woolworth’s?
I was in my local Tesco a couple of years ago and they were selling Christmas food
in September
. That’s too early. Mid-September and they had shelves of stollen, Christmas pud, and mince pies. Nobody is so organized that they buy food three and a half months in advance. Anyone who is that organized makes their own food. Just out of curiosity I pulled a pack of mince pies off the shelf to check the “best before” date, and I swear to you it was November 10. What sort of numpty buys mince pies that go bad in November? And don’t tell me that some people might just want to eat mince pies in Septemb
er. You only eat mince pies at Christmas, and most of us don’t even like them then. I guess the logic is, they’re generally so foul you can’t tell if they’ve gone off or not. Personally, I think you may as well wipe your arse on some digestive biscuits and hand them round as shove a mince pie under my nose, regardless where we are relative to its “best before” date.
What nearly made my wife and I weep genuine tears of actual sadness was the fact that they were also selling single slices of Christmas cake. Imagine that. Not two slices, maybe for a couple who couldn’t be bothered to make a whole cake. No. One slice. That’s a slice for you and no slice for your no pals. It’s important, now and again, to spare a thought for those less fortunate than us who might be spending Christmas alone, but I don’t need such a stark reminder as single slices of Christmas cake on sale in September. That means that, with over three months to go, the bloke in q
uestion is already resigned to the fact that he’ll be on his tod this festive season. He’s already got it all planned out. “I’ll have a Bernard Matthews Turkey Drummer, followed by a single slice of Christmas cake. Then I’ll open the card I sent to myself. After which I’ll stand on one end of a cracker and pull the other, get drunk, have a wank under the mistletoe, and pass out. Happy holidays!”
As depressing a notion as that is, is it any more depressing than the thought of somebody buying mince pies that go bad in November? Because, for me, that conjures up images of people who, for some reason, have had to have Christmas early this year. No
body has an early Christmas for a happy reason. It’s more likely to be a sad reason, like “Granddad’s not going to make it to December. We’re having Christmas in November this year and we’re going to enjoy it! We’ll tell him it’s December. He’s so far gone he won’t know the difference.” Either that or “We have Christmas in October so that Uncle Brendan can spend it with us. He generally goes back to prison shortly after that. It’s not really his fault. He does try to stay out of trouble, but he tends to fall off the wagon at Halloween.”
(Do you see what I did there? That was called reincorporation. It’s a classic comedy trick. You probably thought it was strange that I should even have mentioned Halloween in an essay about Christmas, initially. You probably thought I was just padding out my piece with a bit of Halloween filler. But I wasn’t. All the while I was building to that Uncle Brendan callback. Pretty clever, huh?)
So, what am I trying to say here? I guess the point I’m making is that shitty Scalextric knockoffs and bikes with two right pedals didn’t dampen my enthusiasm for Christmas, but greedy retailers who try to get me into a premature Christmas mood do. I propose a moratorium on all kinds of Christmas marketing before mid-November. The Advertising Standards Authority should introduce a rule saying sleigh bells may not feature in ads until the first week of December. And while we’re at it, let’s introduce a law banning the sale or display of tinsel in shops until December 15. Failing t
hat, I think Wizzard should get back in the studio and record a song called “It Should Only Feel Like Christmas One Month a Year.”