The Atonement (48 page)

“Fine. We’ll do Shenandoah. When do you want
me to meet you?”

“Does 6:30 sound good? We’ll meet at the
bar.”

“Sure. I’ll see you then.”

*****

“I’m only waiting another five minutes and
then I’m outta here,” thought Allyson as she sat at the bar of the
Shenandoah grill. He was already ten minutes late and she wasn’t
about to be made a fool of again. However, not long after she made
her declaration, she spotted him heading toward their table with
more flowers in hand.

“Hey, there” he said.

“Hey yourself. Are those for me?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. They’re beautiful.”

“Not half as beautiful as you.”

“I’ve heard that one already, but I’ll take
it.”

“What would you like to drink?”

“Drink? I thought we were having dinner?”

“I thought we’d have a drink or two before
heading back to my place.”

“This is what you call making things up to
me? A booty call?”

“So I rearrange my schedule at the last
minute so that we can spend some quality time together and this is
what I get? Attitude?”

“How would you feel if every time someone
wanted to spend time with you it was always with your clothes
off?”

“I’m doing the best I can here. You of all
people should know how busy my schedule is…”

“Do you treat your other woman like
this?”

“What are you talking about? There is no
other woman.”

“I’m not stupid, Jason. The least you can do
is be honest with me.”

“Let’s talk outside in the car,” said Jason,
scanning the room at the same time.

Allyson followed him outside to his sports
car and sat in the passenger’s seat, while Jason sat on the other
side.

“I’d rather you hear this from me than find
out from someone or someplace else. I have to go to LA next week to
do a promotional junket in order to get some publicity for the
company. It also means I’m going to have to entertain the daughter
of a really big media mogul.”

“You’re probably already entertaining
her.”

“This is business, Allyson. My dad is
thinking of selling the mag to her father. In order to do that, we
have to get them to buy in. That’s all this is about.”

“Oh, I’m sure.”

“I’m not enjoying this, Allyson. But
sacrifices have to be made. At the end of the day, I’m thinking
about us.”

“How’s that?”

“The more money I make, the more you’ll
benefit. That necklace I gave you was just a sample of what you
could have.”

“You mean like a condo over looking central
park, a nice ride, tickets to fashion week.”

“And who knows? If all goes well, I might be
able to connect you with some people that could help you find a
sweet position at a news station.”

Allyson had heard this all before, but from a
different perspective. It made what could have been a tantalizing
offer seem cheap and hollow.

“I don’t know, Jayce.”

“You don’t know? What does that mean?”

“I mean…I want to know if you’re serious
about us.”

“Allyson, I totally intend to keep my promise
to you…”

“I don’t want to be a kept woman, or a
sidepiece, Jayce. I want to know if there’s a possibility that we
could have a real relationship.”

“Allyson, why can’t we enjoy each other and
let things ride? I’m not into labeling things. What this is and
what it turns into, only time can tell. But if you want me to
commit to you, you’re going to have to show me that you can stand
by me no matter what’s going down. As someone who works with the
public, you’re going to have to accept that certain things come
with the lifestyle I have to live.”

“You’re right.”

Allyson opened the passenger side door and
got out.

“Wait a minute – where are you going?”

“Home. I need some time to think about things
– like whether or not your lifestyle is for me.”

“Are you serious?! Do you realize just how
much I have had to sacrifice to make time for us? I’m putting off
my school work, and I blew off a meeting with a big sponsor, just
to spend time with you and you just want to walk away?”

“You know what? I’m getting sick of you
guilting me all the time about how much time you’re sacrificing,
especially when you’ve never had more than two hours to spare at a
time – and that’s just to screw me.”

“I’m starting to get sick of your ungrateful
attitude. I just made you an offer some women would die for, and
you wanna act like it’s nothing!”

“That’s because it is!”

“Oh, so you’re too good, right? Well let me
tell you something Allyson, you’re not the prize you think you are.
A lot of guys on my level wouldn’t even want to be seen with
you.”

“Oh, please. Stop it with the sour grapes. I
saw what you were dating before I came along.”

“Get over yourself, Allyson. Daria may not
have been as fair as you are, but she comes from way better people
and has a lot more class. Everybody who counts knows your mom’s a
crazy whore who tricked her way to the top and from what I can see
you’re cut from the same mold.”

“Go to hell, Jason!”

“Gladly, to get away from a psycho whore like
you! And don’t try to come crying back, either!”

Allyson got into her car and sped off. It was
over. She couldn’t fool herself anymore. While she knew that Jason
didn’t love her, she thought that he at least respected her. Then
he confirmed what she had already suspected. The words hit her like
boulders, shattering the flimsy veneer she’d erected of herself.
She felt as if she had been thrown into the street naked.

Tears spilled down uncontrollably, blurring
her vision. She couldn’t hold it back anymore. She was alone in a
world where everyone was against her. Where could she go? What
could she do? As she was driving aimlessly about she found herself
on a stretch of roadway not far from the George Washington Bridge.
The ramp was a low one and over it she could see the streetlights
reflecting off the river. All she had to do was speed up and turn,
and all of her suffering would be over.

As Allyson was about to shift her car into
top gear, she could’ve sworn she heard someone talking to her. “Go
see momma.” At first she was puzzled, but then it became clear to
her. She knew where she needed to go. She pulled onto the bridge
and headed uptown. After about twenty minutes she found herself in
front of the Sharpe residence. The lights were still on.

Allyson walked up to the door and rang the
bell.

“Who is it?” she heard Lena’s musical voice
ask.

“Allyson – Allyson Russell. Tim’s
sister.”

“Hey, girl. You know, I was just thinking
about you,” said Lena as she opened the door. Then she paused as
she got a good look at Allyson’s face. “Chile, are you
alright?”

“I’m fine,” she said wiping at her eyes. She
had forgot she’d been crying, and it dawned on her that her make-up
must have looked a mess.

“You look like you’ve been crying.”

“No, its just allergies.”

“
Now Ally, I done been
around too long not to know better than that. What’s wrong,
baby?”

Allyson looked into Lena’s eyes and saw her
concern. It touched her.

“I…I just came from a bad date.”

“Oh my goodness! He didn’t hurt you did
he?”

“Not physically.”

“Well, come on in and have some tea and we’ll
talk about it.”

Allyson came in and followed Lena into the
kitchen. Allen’s house wasn’t very fancy, but it was cozy. There
were lots of pictures of Allen, the midget girl, the crippled guy
and even a few of her brother in some group photos. The furniture
was old, but you could tell it was clean and in good shape most
likely thanks to Lena’s housekeeping. The whole place smelled like
cookies baking in the oven. It wasn’t just a house. It was a real
home.

“I know it’s late, I won’t stay long. It’s
just that I was driving around and I was getting tired.”

“Don’t worry ‘bout that none sweetheart. It’s
not even 8:00” said Lena as she started the tea using the little
machine Allen had given her for her birthday. “Did you and your
boyfriend have an argument?”

“We broke up.”

“Aww. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m not.”

“Then how come you look so down?”

Against her will, the tears started to come
again. Lena came over to put her arms around her. Allyson welcomed
it in spite of herself. She had always wanted a mom to hug her and
to listen to her.

“He never cared about me. Nobody cares about
me,” she sobbed.

“Oh, Allyson, that’s not true. There’s plenty
of people that care about you. I care about you, and I know your
family must care about you.”

“My mother’s not like you. We barely even
talk unless she wants something – and I don’t even want to talk
about my father.”

“Well I know for a fact that Tim cares about
you. He’s never said a bad word about you that I’ve heard.”

“I bet he’s never said anything good about
me, either.”

“No, chile. He loves you. He always asks the
elders to pray for you. I don’t think he’d do that if he
didn’t.”

“You don’t know him like I do.”

“I suppose you’re right about that, but tell
me dear, what could he have possibly done to make you think he
doesn’t love you?”

“He abandoned me. He didn’t even say
goodbye.”

“When was this? When he went to college?”

“No. It was when we were younger. I was about
eight and he was fourteen. It was just after our grandfather passed
away. He promised he’d be there for me and then the next thing I
knew, he was gone.”

“Gone?”

“He ran away from home.”

“Kids will do that. Allen tried it when he
was 12. Ended up down the street at our friend Merta’s house.
Vernon tore his behind up when we got him back. Where’d your mama
find Tim?”

“California.”

“California?! How in the world was he able to
get all the way over there by himself at 14?”

“My mom gave us a lot of freedom – at least
with some things.”

“Too much, I’d say. You’re lucky nothing
happened to him.”

“Maybe something should’ve.”

“Ally! Don’t say things like that.”

“
But he didn’t even think
about how I’d feel.”

“He probably couldn’t, Ally. I don’t know too
many 14 year olds that would. Given what he did, he likely wasn’t
thinking at all.”

“He thought enough to take his
girlfriend.”

“But you’re judging him as if he was a grown
man. Remember he was young, too. Think about it from his
perspective. He’s 14 going through all the crazy hormone changes of
puberty, and trying to figure out his place in the world, and on
top of all that, he loses his grandfather. He probably wanted and
needed someone to take care of him, too.”

“I would’ve taken care of him. We could’ve
taken care of each other.”

“You couldn’t raise your brother any more
than he could raise you. That’s what parents are for. Now that’s
not to say you can’t give each other support when you need it, but
you can’t expect Tim to be like your daddy. It wouldn’t be fair to
him. It wouldn’t be fair to you either. Trust me I been there.”

“What do you mean?”

“You see I have a sister who is nine years
older than me. When we were younger she was always protecting me
and looking out for me, which was nice sometimes, but by the time I
got to be a teenager, you couldn’t tell her she wasn’t the boss of
me. She wanted to tell me where to go to school, who to date, how
to dress, and how I should act. She was worse than our mama and
daddy combined.”

“Did you ever tell her how you felt?”

“Yes I did. Just before I went away to
college, I told her that she needed to live her life and let me
live mine. Then she got as upset as you are right now, moved away
to D.C. and didn’t speak to me for a whole year. But she was still
my sister, so I wrote to her and sent her birthday and Christmas
gifts even though she never sent any back. After a while, I started
to get a little angry at her about how she was treating me. Then
one day, I got an invitation to her engagement party, and I wasn’t
going to go just to hurt her as much as she hurt me.”

“So you weren’t always so forgiving?”

“Of course not. No one’s born perfect. I like
to think God had to do a lot of work on me to get me where I am
today, and I still got a long ways to go.”

“What happened when you ditched your sister’s
engagement party?”

“Oh, I went to the party, alright. My daddy
convinced me to go. When I got there she apologized for everything.
She told me that she realized that I was right. That she had been
so caught up in my life that she wasn’t even thinking about what
God’s plan was for her own life.”

“I know we’re supposed to have our own lives.
But I thought…he wasn’t supposed to…”

“Hurt you? Ally, understand that sometimes,
whether it’s by accident or on purpose, you gonna get hurt, even by
the people you love the most. Especially by the people you love the
most. In fact, the more you love someone, the more it’s gonna hurt.
But you can’t hold onto that and let it shut you up. You gotta let
it go. Otherwise you gonna block out all the love that’s gonna help
you to heal.”

“I suppose you’re right. But I’ve held on for
so long, I feel like I don’t know how to let go.”

“Now, I know you’ll think I’m crazy, but I
know there’s Someone out there that can help you with that. He
loves you, even more than anyone on this earth ever could.”

“You say that, but I’ve never felt it. I’ve
always felt alone.”

“Believe me, Ally, you are never alone. Don’t
always trust feelings. They can fool you. I’m certain that if you
took the time to really think about your life, you would see He’s
been there all along.”

“Lena! Where are you?” said a voice
interrupting Allyson’s thoughts. It was coming from outside the
kitchen.