The Bargain (18 page)

Shannon watched him turn and gesture at the house behind him, and despite her empathy for Michael, she found herself moved by Drew’s intentions for this place. This was no publicity stunt. He had ambitious plans for the children this center would serve, and the enthusiasm in his voice when he spoke about them was genuine.

“Here at the Kingston Youth Center, we hope to make dreams a very real part of kids’ lives. With your help, we plan to offer programs that support underprivileged children’s success in academics, sports, and the arts. We hope to send the message that where you start in life doesn’t determine where you finish, and that the only limits out there are the ones we place on ourselves.”

His words captured Shannon’s attention. Limits. She was painfully familiar with them. Would she have grown up to be a very different person if someone had fostered such sentiments in her when she was a struggling child? Would limits have had any hold on her like they seemed to now?

Drew accepted a pair of large ceremonial scissors from a smiling city councilmember standing off to the side. “Without further ado, I give you the Kingston Youth Center.” He cut the ribbon in two, and the cut ends drifted gracefully to the ground.

The crowd applauded once more and cheered. Camera flashes went off everywhere.

Shannon merely watched silently, Drew’s words echoing in her head.

• • •

Drew’s speech was still on Shannon’s mind as she washed dishes in her kitchen sink that evening, staring unseeingly out the window and into the darkness of her backyard.

Where you start in life doesn’t determine where you finish.

It was hardly the message she had heard from her parents while growing up, content as they were to go on living hand to mouth without ever trying to change their circumstances. And she certainly hadn’t heard it from her peers, either. Quite the opposite. But she had dared to reach a
little
beyond their expectations, hadn’t she? Maybe night school wasn’t glamorous, but she had earned a degree.
And
made a home for herself. And she liked to think she made a difference at work, too. More of a difference than anyone else in her family ever had, at least.

Dropping the dishcloth in the sink, Shannon turned around and leaned back against the counter to let her eyes roam over the kitchen she had remodeled all by herself, and not too shabbily at that.

Limits, she thought again. They hadn’t held her back anywhere else in her life, just in personal matters, but they had crippled her there. Years of believing she wasn’t good enough, or desirable enough, to warrant a man’s affection. So she had played it safe by remaining on the sidelines where ridicule and rejection couldn’t reach her.

And what had that gotten her? Ten years of pining after the same man, all without him ever having a clue about her feelings. Ten years of loneliness and waiting for something to happen. She had gotten very good at waiting. Maybe too good.

What if …

Old doubts surged up before she could even finish the thought, but she pushed past them.

What if she got off the sidelines, just this once, and went to see Michael? What if she stopped watching everyone else play the game and actually made a move herself?

He won’t want you, her inner voice whispered knowingly.

That was certainly possible. Her heart rate sped up just at the thought of daring to tell Michael about her feelings for him, and sudden nausea made her stomach turn over. He wouldn’t mock her, she was sure. But he might pity her, and the thought of that made her heart pound all over again. She wasn’t sure she could bear pity from him.

Well, she would be safe from pity if she stayed home, all right. But something else nagged at her besides that cruel inner voice, something that suggested if she didn’t do something to break the pattern of old habits now, then she never would.

Bo came trotting into the kitchen, and Shannon bent down to run her fingers through his soft fur. He licked her nose, and she cradled his muzzle in her hands to look him in the eyes.

“I’ve got to do it, don’t I?” she whispered out loud, and the words hung in the air. “I’ve got to go tell him. If I don’t … ” She trailed off, picturing herself in another ten years, still living exactly the same life as she was now with all her inhibitions and insecurities. The loneliness of it unsettled her as much as the idea of exposing her feelings to Michael.

Bo cocked his ears at the sound of her voice and whined as if he picked up on the tension in it.

Shannon sank down onto the floor and pulled Bo onto her lap, even though he was much too big to be a lapdog. He didn’t seem to mind, though, and even redoubled his efforts to lick her face. She wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly as if doing so might somehow give her courage.

It didn’t work, but she came to her decision anyway.

She would go. And she would tell him. For better or for worse, she would tell him.

If she didn’t throw up first.

“Clarissa? I need a favor.” Shannon cradled the phone between her shoulder and her chin as her hands busied themselves in packing a small overnight bag. “I’m sorry to call you so late in the evening, but — ”

“It’s fine, honey, it’s not that late.” There was concern in Clarissa’s voice. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s just — I need to go out of town. Just for a day or two, maybe, but I’ll need you to cover Drew’s phone for me.”

“Absolutely. So a trip? Not a bad idea. Might be the best thing to lift your spirits. May I ask where you’re going, or am I being too nosy?”

Shannon hesitated before answering, suspecting her friend would disapprove of her answer. The disapproval part didn’t bother her, it was the attempt to talk her out of going that no doubt would follow. “To see Michael,” she said finally.

There was silence on the other end.

“Hello?” Shannon asked, wary.

“I’m here,” Clarissa returned somberly.

“You think I’m nuts.”

“Not nuts, just — oh, Shannon, are you sure this is wise?”

Shannon let out a rueful little laugh. “No. I’m really not.”

“Then why do it? There are plenty of nice men here in town, men who are stable and well-rounded and everything you could ever want.”

“I want
him
.”

Clarissa’s frown was practically audible. “Why? Because he’s handsome?”

“Because I like who I am when I’m with him.” Shannon stared at the wall before her, seeing Michael’s face instead and the way he had looked at her that night at the football field. “And I think maybe he could feel the same way about me.” She felt a flicker of warmth at the memory, and hope.

“I suspect a lot of women have liked the way he made them feel when they were with him, Shannon. Until the morning after, at least. I just don’t want to see you end up as another notch on his bedpost.”

Heat rushed into Shannon’s cheeks. “Clarissa! That’s not why I’m going to see him.”

“Maybe not, but what happens when you actually do see him again? You might do something you’ll regret — ”

“I already have,” Shannon burst out.

“What? Oh, honey,” Clarissa said with obvious dismay.

“Not
that
,” Shannon returned, feeling the heat in her face grow. “What I meant is I regret the way I’ve spent the last ten years of my life, Clarissa. Ten years just waiting and hoping. Ten years I’ll never get back.”

Her friend was silent.

“I don’t want to live like that anymore. I feel like I’ve lost so much time as it is, and life’s just too short to waste chances like that.”

“I don’t want to see you get hurt, Shannon.”

“I know. And I appreciate that,” Shannon said softly. Then she let out a breath that was half-sigh, half-laugh, but it was without mirth. “Hey, cheer up. Chances are he’ll give me a platonic little pat on the head and just send me on my way, and all this worry will have been for nothing.” Her heart hurt at the thought, but she kept her voice carefully neutral.

Or maybe she didn’t, because Clarissa’s voice turned gentle. “You’ve never given yourself enough credit, honey. You’re a warm, wonderful, and
lovely
young woman, and no man in his right mind is just going to send you on your way. That’s what worries me.”

“He wouldn’t use me like that.” That was one thing of which she did feel sure. “He might not want me, but he wouldn’t treat me the way you’re afraid he might.”

“Maybe you’re right, but he’s not the kind of man a woman settles down with, Shannon. Or builds a future with.”

“Could be.” Shannon swallowed hard, her mouth dry. “But I guess there’s only one way to find out.”

There was a long pause before Clarissa spoke again. “I’m not going to be able to talk you out of this, am I?”

“No.”

The older woman sighed. “Then I suppose there’s nothing left to say except I’m here if you need me
.”

As in, to pick up the pieces, Shannon thought with a pang. “Could you maybe look in on Bo while I’m gone?”

“Sure, honey.”

Shannon drew a deep breath. “Clarissa?”

“Yes?”

Her voice shook. “I’m kind of terrified.”

“Honey, you’ve got more guts than you realize. Regardless of what happens with Michael, remember that, okay?”

“I’ll try. Thanks.”

“And if you change your mind, there’s a nice young man who works at the drugstore that I could — ”

“Clarissa.” But Shannon’s mouth curved upward.

“All right, all right.” There was a pause. “Call me when you get back.”

“I will.”

Shannon hung up the phone and stared at the overnight bag in front of her. “Well,” she said aloud. “Here goes nothing.”

• • •

After yet another restless night of tossing and turning, Shannon dragged herself out of bed as soon as the light of dawn glowed outside her window. Might as well get an early start and get this over with that much sooner, she supposed. She wasn’t going to get any more sleep this morning anyway. But determined as she was to see this whole thing through with Michael, her anxiety made her movements slow as she dressed.

Even choosing clothes to wear had proven stressful, as if success depended on the right style of shirt or accessories. Stop it, she told herself, and then simply grabbed the first plain t-shirt she saw in her bureau drawer along with a pair of jeans. Michael knew she was no glamour girl. If it turned out he did want her, then the clothes shouldn’t matter.

Shannon started to put her hair in its usual braid and then caught sight of her reflection in the dresser mirror. She slowly let her hands fall away from her hair, and its fiery waves hung freely past her shoulders. Vibrancy and color, that was what Clarissa had said. Would Shannon herself ever be able to see it that way? It was hard to imagine such a thing. Taunts from her childhood filled her memory, and her hands twitched as if barely resisting the urge to twist the strands tightly back into old familiar confines. There was safety in hiding, after all.

Your hair is beautiful.

She heard Michael’s voice in her head and closed her eyes. Enough hiding. She was not a child anymore, or an insecure teenager. It was high time she let the past go, even if she wasn’t entirely sure yet how to do that. Little by little, she decided. Starting now.

She left her hair down and went downstairs to feed Bo his breakfast.

A few minutes later, she was in her car with her key in the ignition. Don’t you dare look back, she told herself, and she pulled the car out of the driveway and headed for the highway before she could change her mind.

• • •

The internet was an amazing thing. So were smartphones, Shannon thought, pulling her car into the parking lot of the bar that the directions on her phone swore belonged to Michael.

Even though it was getting dark out, it was easy to see the lot was over half full, and Shannon could see enough inside the windows to tell the bar was far from empty. Fantastic. So she would have an audience to her reunion with Michael, at least at first.
Couldn’t be easy, could it?

Her knuckles were white on the steering wheel. She peeled them off it and cut the engine but stayed put in the car, her eyes on the building. Through its windows she caught glimpses of people laughing and clinking glasses together, their movements casual and relaxed, in complete contrast with the turmoil inside of her. What else was new? She’d have thought she’d gotten used to being the odd one out by now.

Shannon forced herself to open the car door and step out. Closing the door behind her, she leaned against it for support and took a deep breath. Maybe he won’t even be there tonight, she thought with a mixture of dread and hope.

But then she caught sight of him through one of the front windows, and her panicky heart beat even faster. He was delivering a handful of drinks to a group of women who were obviously ogling him, giggling behind their hands and fluttering eyelashes that looked much too long to be real. One of them, a blonde, tossed her hair and laughed at something Michael said.

Shannon’s eyes widened, and she abruptly turned to open the car door again, intending to leap back inside. At the last second, she managed to stop herself.

No. She had already decided there was no going back, and she meant it. It wasn’t really so complicated, was it? All she had to do was walk up to him and be honest about her feelings. If he didn’t feel the same way about her, they could still shake hands and part friends. And she could walk away with her dignity intact and her head held high.

Sure, if this was an after-school special, Shannon thought, her mouth going dry. Real life never seemed to be that simple.

But she pushed off from the car with her hands and began walking toward the entrance of the bar with her feet dragging like a prisoner on the way to her execution. Her palms were so sweaty they nearly slipped off the handle of the door when she reached it. Wiping them on her jeans, she tried again and stepped inside.

• • •

Michael’s latest customers were living it up and painting the town tonight judging by the shortness of their skirts and the hints of glam from head to toe. And by the way they let their eyes roam over him as he approached with their drinks, they were looking for company of the male variety. He wished now that he had sent Sammy out with their drinks instead.