The Bears of Blackrock, Books 1 - 3: The Fenn Clan (24 page)

Yet, she feared such intimacy. She feared that a gesture of loving touch would be unwelcome. How would a man respond to her wrapping her arms around him while he washed a plate less than 24 hours after she assassinated his character?

Carson would have spurned her for simply washing the dishes incorrectly.

“You sure you’re not hungry?” He asked suddenly, startling her from her silent self-flagellation.

“Do you regret what happened yesterday?”

Kirk’s hands went still on the counter, his sandwich only half made. He glanced over his shoulder, but didn’t look at her. “What do you mean?”

Joe licked her lips, taking a deep breath. “You and I. What happened in your truck, I mean.”

Kirk wiped his hands on a kitchen towel and turned around, leaning his hip into the counter. “No, Josephine. Not at all. Why? Do you?”

“No. Not at all.”

Silence returned, but neither moved. Josephine heard the sound of an old clock ticking away on the mantelpiece in the living room. It was the first time she’d ever noticed it.

“I haven’t been with anyone, well – in a long time,” she said finally.

Kirk nodded. “Honestly, neither have I.”

“Really?” She asked, and her tone betrayed a hopefulness. Somehow knowing Kirk wasn’t carousing around with women in his free time made her feel less vulnerable.

He shrugged. “Yeah. I’ve tried a couple times, when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized I’d just as well be alone than with someone who doesn’t - you know.”

“Who doesn’t what?”

“Who doesn’t feel right,” he said, crossing his legs at the ankles.

Joe exhaled in a jaded snort. “I haven’t even tried. A few guys have put the moves on, here and there, but – I always end up saying no. Something about them would turn me off, make me think ‘Oh, there’s a red flag. Oh, that guy’s gonna turn into a controlling asshole in a few months,’ or ‘He’s gonna resent coming second to Rory.’ And I’d turn them down.”

“All of them, huh?”

Joe nodded. “Every single one. I haven’t been with anyone since -”

Joe stopped. It was the first time she’d ever come close to admitting this detail of her story to anyone. Yet, somehow telling Kirk felt right – felt necessary. If she was going to say yes to anyone, it would be Kirk, and if she was going to say yes, she needed him to know.

“The last time I had sex was when Rory was conceived.”

Kirk’s eyes went wide, and Joe instantly felt smaller. Would he think her unappealing now? Did eleven years of celibacy make her seem undesirable, like the rest of the world had overlooked her for so long, she was some dried up prude? It was her that turned the men down. It was her choice to remain celibate. Celibate came with no snags or snares, no unhealthy relationships to weigh her or Rory’s life down. Sure, she’d been lonely much of that time, but loneliness was far more appealing than some unhappy sham of a relationship. Would Kirk understand that?

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean any offense, it just surprised me,” Kirk said, and Josephine realized her thoughts had played on her face.

“It’s ok. I don’t know why, but – just felt like I needed to tell you.”

Kirk pressed his lips between his teeth. “Are you telling me because you want to break the streak, or -?”

“What?! Oh, uh – I mean.”

Kirk chuckled, stepping away from the counter to come toward her. He was smiling that beautiful smile of his, laughing at her expense as he approached with a playful air that seemed to threaten tickling or teasing – with something more.

Kirk pulled her in, squeezing her to him as he kissed the top of her head, playfully.

“I would be honored to ruin your record, if you were so inclined. My own isn’t as impressive, but it’s nothing to balk at.”

“What do you mean? How long has it been for -”

“Five years. Give or take a few months.”

Joe visibly exhaled. “That surprises me.”

He looked down at her, smiling. “Well, I’m flattered, I think.”

The two of them stood there, Kirk’s arms enveloped around her. She wanted to settle there, or to provoke him to more, but she felt frozen. Her desire for him was overwhelming, but her trepidation would win now, every time. It was easier to pretend it wasn’t more before waking in his arms that morning. It was easier to pretend it wasn’t more when Carson was just a memory. Yet, now she’d chosen Kirk over running. She’d chosen to stay with him when logic told her to run as far from Blackrock, Maine as her tiny bank account could take her. Now he’d know damn well it meant more, and she was crippled by the knowledge.

“So, do you want me to?”

“What?” She asked, startled.

“Break your streak.”

Joe turned her eyes down to his chest, the hairs there just visible at the opening of his flannel shirt.

She swallowed. “Yes.”

Kirk’s embrace changed just so, his hands moving down her back to pull her against him in a different way, her hips against his. He lowered his face to hers, his lips grazing her cheek as he moved to her ear. She shivered against him, her fingers clutching at his shirt.

“Are you sure you want this?” He asked, his arms still strong around her.

Joe searched his face, feeling both terrified and wanting. “Don’t you?”

He snorted in a half laugh. “You have no idea, Joe.”

He kissed the crook of her jaw, and she whimpered softly, betraying her nerves and desire. He held her tighter, walking her toward the living room. Kirk slumped down onto the couch, pulling her on top of him as she had been nights before in the apartment over his garage. The position felt familiar, but the world had changed since then. Somehow kneeling over him in the light of day felt too vulnerable. She let Kirk caress her there, pulling her face down to kiss him as he settled beneath her, his hands firmly planted on her ass. He pushed and pulled her in the same familiar rhythm they’d found in the truck, but this time, she didn’t engage. She couldn’t. Damn it, why couldn’t she?

“Is something wrong?” He asked in a half whisper.

“No, no. It’s fine.”

The rhythm continued, his kisses surface and teasing as he seemed to wait for her to take control. She’d done so before, climbing into his lap with heated abandon more than once. Yet, now she looked down at him with new fear, wanting desperately to make him hers, but too afraid to take him. He squeezed her ass hard enough to draw a whimper.

Her mind reeled, memory after memory roaring to the surface of the last time she’d let a man have her like this. Not Kirk, not in the cab of his truck. That had been a stolen moment; a sudden assault of something likened to teenage hormones. This was different. This was intimacy, free and unhindered. He could have her in any way, as long as he wanted, no interruptions or limitations. Somehow, this new freedom scared her.

She pulled from his kisses again, faltering there as he stared up at her, confused.

“Joe, sweetheart. If something is wrong, just tell me.”

She grimaced, angry with herself.

Give over to it, Josephine! You want him more than you’ve ever wanted anyone. Stop being such a coward.

She remembered Carson’s face, the way he leered at her, played the blade of his knife over her collar bone as she sat there, helpless to him. She cringed and convulsed with each vision, all of them fresh now, as though seeing his face again would force her to relive those moments anew. Damn it, she couldn’t let him ruin something so good. She couldn’t let his return stop her from feeling something again. She deserved to feel something good, didn’t she? She deserved to be happy!

“Sweetheart? We can wait. I’m in no rush.”

Joe’s face contorted in both frustration and affection. Why didn’t Kirk just take her? She couldn’t lead now, not anymore. She needed him to be in charge. Why didn’t he understand that?

She lifted from his lap and walked through the kitchen into the garage. She was only half aware of what she was doing, but the fervor drove her on. She searched the shelves of his garage for her prize, and found it tucked under a pair of kayak oars.

She marched back into the house, finding Kirk halfway through the kitchen, following her with a concerned look on his face.

“Are you alright?”

Joe pressed the bundle to his chest, and held her breath. Her hands were shaking. He looked down, taking the bundle of rope from her hands.

“I need you to use this,” she said, her voice trembling as she spoke.

Kirk’s startled expression betrayed worry and reserve, but she pressed on.

“Please don’t judge me. I can’t explain it, but I just – I need this. Ok? Please.”

Kirk held the bundle of rope in front of her, running his thumb over the knots as he mulled it over. “I’d never judge you, sweetheart, but – Are you sure? You want me to tie you up?”

She swallowed, frowning. Hearing him say it made her feel like some damaged, troubled thing. Yet, she did. She needed Kirk Fenn to take her in hand and show her that he was in charge. She needed him to take control away, and somehow, replace the troubled memories she harbored. She feared even this wouldn’t work, that she’d find herself shirking away from his touch, unable to be open with him, all because of the crimes of a terrible man over a decade before.

Damn it, no. She wouldn’t let Carson have that power anymore.

Please Kirk, take it back for me, she thought.

“Please,” she said, fighting not to betray too much emotion in her voice.

He squeezed the rope in his hand, taking a deep breath. Then he took her hand in his and led her down the hall to his bedroom.

Her stomach coiled into nervous knots, instantly.

Kirk didn’t look at her again as he led her into the bedroom, the room dark despite the time of day. Kirk released his hold on her, turned for the door of the bedroom, and tossed a stretch of rope over the bedroom door. He then slammed the door shut over it, leaving the ends of the rope dangling there before her. He turned back to her and in a sudden, deliberate gesture, took hold of her like some weightless thing, and pulled her toward the door. He pressed her back against it, looming over her there, his dark eyes blazing down in a sudden fervor that almost frightened her. Before she could find words to speak, he took her hands in his and pinned them over her head. She was tied there a moment later.

“You’re sure this is what you want?” He asked, grabbing hold of her hips and pulling them into him.

She shuddered against him, almost unable to form the words. “I’m sure.”

He nodded, then took hold of the button of her jeans, unfastening them and yanking them down with enough force to make her lose footing. Her tied hands were all that kept her upright. She lifted her feet up one by one obediently, letting him take off her jeans. Then he leaned in there, letting his lips graze against her thigh. She whimpered at the sudden touch. His breath came in soft bursts as he chuckled to himself.

Kirk ran his hands up the length of her thighs, hooking his fingers into the waistband of her underwear. She gasped, twisting there against the door as though she might dislodge him, deter him from his purpose.

“You’re tied, beautiful. There’s really no point in fighting, now is there?”

She exhaled in shaky bursts, turning her face away as his lips grazed against her thigh again, drawing closer to her sex with each moment.

Kirk took hold of her hips and turned her suddenly, forcing her backside toward him. He groaned softly as his hands moved over her backside, squeezing and kneading her between soft kisses. His lips were warm on her skin, his hands big and rough from years of work. He grabbed the waistband of her underwear and slid them down over her ass, exposing her to him fully. She was trembling now, pulling at the knots that held her wrists, as though she might climb up the door and away from him. Her underwear were at her ankles before she could say a word, and Kirk’s face was pressed to her ass, his hands gripping her by the hips. He opened his mouth, and bit her.

She shrieked, squirming in his grasp, but unable to free herself. He groaned there, and she could feel the vibration of it through his lips. He moved to the other buttock, grabbing and squeezing her roughly as he clamped his teeth into her again. She made to cried out, but Kirk was on his feet, his mouth at her shoulder, biting her there as well, as his hands moved up the front of her, taking hold of her breasts. Her breath caught instantly, overwhelmed by sensation and desire. He rooted into the crook of her neck, forcing her head aside as he kissed her jaw.

He pressed his lips to her ear. “God, you are so beautiful.”

She closed her eyes, feeling exposed by these words. He slid his hands up her shirt, unfastening her bra before taking hold of her breasts again, groaning with pleasure as his fingers played at her nipples. She could barely breathe.

“Do you like the way that feels, Josephine?”

Hearing him say her name in that hushed, lustful tone made her knees buckle beneath her. She steadied herself as he grabbed her ass again, squeezing so roughly she felt she might bruise. She whimpered.

He kissed her jaw again. “Do you like being helpless to me?”

She couldn’t respond. Her mind was racing, darting between dark memories and the newness of Kirk’s touch. She wasn’t sure if she liked being helpless, but somehow, she liked being helpless to him.