The Bed and Breakfast Star (9 page)

It was about the only thing we ever agreed on.

‘Elsa is my stepdaughter,’ said Mack. He said the word ‘step’ as if it was some disgusting swear word. ‘I’ve done my best to bring her up as if she was my own, but she gets right out of hand sometimes.’

I wished I was out of his hand at that precise moment. He was holding me by the shoulders, his fingers digging in hard.

‘Well, she’s been a very good girl with us, helping me keep my family in order,’ said Naomi’s mum.

‘Yes, she got my baby brother Nathan to eat up all his cornflakes,’ said Naomi.

‘It’s a pity she can’t help out with her own brother and sister then,’ said Mack. ‘Come on, Elsa, your mum needs you.’

He gave a jerk and a pull. I had to go with him or else get my arm torn off. I looked back at Naomi.

‘The Cursed Werewolf!’ I mouthed, nodding at Mack.

Naomi nodded, grinning at me sympathetically.

I needed sympathy. Mack was in a foul mood.

‘What do you think you’re doing, rushing around yelling your head off?’ he yelled, rushing around.

I could sense it wasn’t quite the right time to point out that I was only following my step-daddy’s example. He got me sat back at our table and started giving me this right old lecture about learning to do as I was told. Pippa started fidgeting and shifting about on her chair as if she were the one getting the lecture, not me.

‘I’m needing to go to the toilet,’ she announced.

‘Well, off you go then,’ said Mack.

‘I can’t find it by myself,’ said Pippa.

‘I’ll take her,’ I said, jumping at the chance.

I clutched Pippa’s hand and escaped the Werewolfs copious curses. Some of the boys were back down the corridor, writing more rude words on the walls. An old lady with a hoover rounded a corner and saw what they were up to.

‘Here, you clean that off, you little varmints,’ she yelled, aiming her vacuum at them.

They laughed and said the words to her.

‘Dirty beasts,’ said the hoover lady.

She saw us gawping.

‘Cover your ears up, girls. And you’d better close your eyes too. These little whatsits are desecrating this hotel. Blooming desecrating it, that’s what they are.’ She banged up against the boys with the vacuum, running the suction nozzle up and down the nearest’s shell suit.

‘Get off, will you! My mum’s only just bought me this,’ he yelled indignantly.

‘I’m just trying to clean you up, laddie. Get some of the dirt off you. Now clear off, the lot of you, or I’ll fetch the Manager.’

They straggled away while she held her vacuum aloft in victory. Pippa and I giggled. Mrs Hoover followed us into the Ladies so she could have a quick smoke.

‘Dear oh dear, this place will be the death of me,’ she said, lighting up. She tucked her ciggies and matches back in her pocket and flexed her legs in her baggy old trousers. ‘It used to be a really classy establishment back in the old days. A really nice business hotel. You could get fantastic tips and everyone spoke to you ever so pleasant. Now you just get a mouthful of abuse. They’re all scum that stay here now. Absolute scum.’

She said this very fiercely and then blinked a bit at me.

‘No offence meant, dearie. You seem very nice little girls, you and your sister.’

‘Are we just a bit scummy round the edges then?’ I said.

‘You what? Oh, give over!’ She drew on her cigarette, chuckling.

‘What’s scum?’ said Pippa, emerging from the toilet and going to wash her hands.

‘That’s scum,’ I said, wiping my finger round the edge of the grey basin.

‘Now dear, don’t shame me. I used to keep this place so clean you could eat your dinner out of one of them basins. But now I just lose heart. And the management’s so mean, they keep cutting down the staff. How can I keep all this place spick and span, eh, especially with my legs.’ She patted at her trousers and shook her head. Then she had another glance at the basin. ‘Look, that’s a footprint, isn’t it? Dear goodness, would you credit it? They’re actually putting their feet in the basins now.’

‘I wonder who on earth that could be,’ I said, winking at Pippa.

‘I know!’ said Pippa, not understanding my meaningful wink.

‘No you don’t,’ I said quickly. ‘Here, we could help you do a bit of the cleaning if you like, Pippa and me. I’m good at vacuuming. It’s fun.’

I wasn’t in any hurry to get back to the breakfast room and Mack. I wanted him to cool down a bit first. So Mrs Hoover sat stiffly on the stairs and did a bit of dusting and Pippa pottered about with a dustpan and brush while I switched on the vacuum and sucked up all the dust on the shabby carpet. I kept imagining Mack was standing right in front of me. I’d charge at him and knock him flying and then get out a really giant suction nozzle. I wouldn’t just snag his shell suit,
oh
no. I’d hoover him right out of existence.

I was galloping along the corridor, laughing fit to bust, when the real Mack suddenly came round the corner. He didn’t look very cool at all. He looked as if he might very well be at boiling point.

‘What the heck are you playing at, Elsa?’

‘I’m not playing, I’m helping do the housework.’

‘Switch it off! And don’t answer me back like that,’ Mack said. ‘We thought you’d both got lost. You’ve been gone nearly half an hour. Didn’t you realize you’d be worrying your mum? Elsa!’

‘I thought you didn’t want me to answer you,’ I said.

Mack took a step nearer to me, breathing fire.

‘Don’t be cross with the kiddie, she’s been ever such a help,’ said Mrs Hoover. ‘She’s got this carpet up a treat, I’m telling you. And the little one’s been sweeping the stairs, haven’t you, pet?’

‘Yes, well, I’ll thank you to mind your own business,’ said Mack, snatching Pippa up into his arms. ‘You come with Daddy, chook. We’ve been worried sick, wondering what had happened to you. Mum’s been right up to our room and back, thinking you’d gone up there.’

Mack stomped round the corner, still clutching Pippa, and tripped right over the gang of giggling boys writing more dirty words on the wall.

‘Get out of my way, you kids,’ Mack thundered.

Pippa peered at the words from her new vantage point. She stared at the worst word of all. She remembered. She said it loudly and clearly.

‘What did you say, Pippa?’ said Mack, so taken aback he nearly dropped her.

So she said it again. Unmistakably.

‘I’m reading, Dad,’ she said proudly.

The boys absolutely cracked up at this, sniggering and spluttering.

‘I’ll wipe the smile off your silly faces!’ Mack shouted, practically frothing at the mouth. ‘How dare you write mucky words on the wall so that my little girl learns dirt like that?’

They stopped sniggering and started scattering, seeing that Mack meant business. Mack caught hold of one of them, the boy I’d made the face at. He was pulling faces again now, trying to wriggle free.

‘It wasn’t me that wrote that word, honest!’ he yelled. ‘It was her.’

He pointed to me. All his pals stopped and pointed to me too.

‘Yes, it was that girl.’

‘Yes, that one with all the hair.’

‘Yeah, that little girl with the loud voice.’

It looked like I was in BIG TROUBLE.

I was.

I tried to explain but Mack wouldn’t listen.

He hit. And I hurt.

Mack stayed in a horrible mood all that day. All that
week.
And Mum wasn’t much better. She didn’t get mad at me and shout. She didn’t say very much at all. She did a lot of that sitting on the bed and staring into space. Sometimes Mack could snap her out of it. Sometimes he couldn’t.

I hated to see Mum all sad and sulky like that. I tried telling her jokes to cheer her up a bit.

‘Hey Mum, what’s ten metres tall and green and sits in the corner?’

‘Oh Elsa, please. Just leave me be.’

‘The Incredible Sulk!’

I fell about. But Mum didn’t even smile.

‘OK, try this one. Why did the biscuit cry?’

‘What biscuit? What are you on about?’

‘Any biscuit.’

‘Can I have a biscuit, Mum?’ said Pippa.

‘Look, just listen to the
joke.
Why did the biscuit cry, eh? Because his mother was a wafer so long.’

I paused. Nobody reacted.

‘Don’t you get it?’

‘Just give it a rest, Elsa, please,’ Mum said, and she lay back on her bed and buried her head under the pillow.

I stared at Mum worriedly. I so badly wanted her to cheer up.

‘Mum? Mum.’ I went over to her and shook her arm.

‘Leave her be,’ said Mack.

I took no notice.

‘Mum, what happened to the lady who slept with her head under the pillow?’

Mum groaned.

‘When she woke up she found the fairies had taken all her teeth out!’

Mum didn’t twitch.

‘Elsa, I’m telling you. Leave her alone,’ Mack growled.

I tried just one more.

‘Are you going to sleep, Mum? Listen, what happened to the lady who dreamed she was eating a huge great marshmallow?’