The Beginning of Never (The Never Trilogy #1) (20 page)

Our eyes met this time around and immediately, I turned
my head away. I wanted to leave.

“He’s coming over,” Elisa said.

“Can we leave?”

She gave a low laugh. “Sure,” she said, and turned to
ask Mark if he was ready to go.

With a nod, Mark stood to his feet and so did I. I
didn’t want to but my hand kept going up to my hair- trying to make it less of
a mess and tucking the escaped tendrils back into the messy knot on my head. I
was nervous, and it showed. Even Mark gave me a concerned look. Finally Nathan
came up to us, and I felt his presence even before he spoke.

I was now consciously making the effort to breathe because
all the blood in my body had rushed to my head. It felt like I was going to
pass out at any moment. My legs had already turned rubbery, but I was used to
that whenever he was near. So making sure to maintain a firm grip on the top of
the chair, I turned around to face him.

Elisa had already gone ahead to offer him an awkward
hug; he seemed genuinely happy to see her. Then he took his cap off and quickly
ran his fingers through his hair. He offered Mark his hand for a handshake and
introduced himself. Mark took it and did the same. Then it was my turn.

“Nora,” he greeted.

I stretched my lips into a thin smile. “Hey.”

His gaze lingered on me for a few more moments with a
searing familiarity that although squirm-worthy, I sincerely hoped that I
wasn’t just imagining in my head.

“It’s nice to see you.”

“You too.
I mean me too…
 
I mean
us
.
It’s nice
we
seeing you.”

I could feel Elisa’s head turn to me, but I refused to
lower mine in shame.
What was happening
to me?

“
Me too,” he
said with a smile. “I have
work
to do so I’ll see you
all later?”

“Yeah,” Elisa said. “Come by the store some time.”

He didn’t understand what she meant.

“James will explain,” she said, and waved him goodbye.
He nodded and walked away.

I waited a few more seconds for the strength to return
to my legs, before letting go of the chair and walking out with them.

“Come to the store sometime?” I said to Elisa, not sure
if I was unhappy with her that she’d invited him over, or thankful.

“Oh relax,” she said. “You can hide in my dad’s office if
you don’t want to see him.”

“What’s
that
supposed to mean?”

She laughed softly, enjoying teasing me more than I
would have liked. “And what
was
that
back there? It’s nice
we
seeing you.”

“Don’t judge me.”

“Oh I will,” she said. “I am judging. Even I wasn’t
half as bad when I started dating Matthew.”

“Elisa, leave me alone,” I grumbled.

She finally did, and turned her
attention to Mark.

*

When we reached the store, I
immediately headed into the reading area, and laid flat on the floor. I felt drugged
as I continued to run the way Nathan had looked at me over and over in my mind,
until Elisa came over to sit beside me. Some customers were sitting on the
couch so she had to lower her voice when she spoke.

"You alright?" she asked. She had to poke my
arm twice before I responded.

“Yeah,” I said.

“What’re you thinking so hard about?”

“Um, did you notice anything strange in the way he
looked at me?”

“Strange?”

“Unusual.”

“No,
Lennie
,” she said,
amused. “He just looked at you, the same way he looks at everyone.”

I frowned at her. “You’re an idiot.”

She sucked in her breath through her teeth. “In this
context, that’s debatable. But let’s say you did see something- is that good?”

“I don’t know.”

“Either ways, you can't just lie here and act insane.
We still have
work
to."

"I know," I said and sat up.

I pulled a box towards us and we continued our sorting.
Thankfully, the task was able to completely occupy my mind until we headed back
home.

Elisa's mom had dinner ready when we got home so I just
dug in, helped clean up and then ran upstairs with the books that I’d been
allowed to take from the bookstore. It was hard deciding which one to begin
with but it didn't matter because at the end of the day, I fell asleep barely
thirty minutes into the one I’d eventually picked.

*

I woke up early the next
morning and found Elisa's mom already in the kitchen. I’d gone in there for a
drink of water but decided to just stay and help her prepare the biscuits and
omelets for breakfast.

She tried to initiate conversations with me, but
eventually just gave up when all she received from my end were polite nods and
shy smiles. She probably thought I was just reserved, but even though I really
liked her, I just wasn’t comfortable around her yet. I blamed it on the timing
being that it was so early in the morning.

It wasn’t long before the house was awake, and I
watched with amusement as the kids dragged themselves into the kitchen, and
grabbed their breakfast using the plates we had stacked on the table.

I sat at the table in the corner with Elisa's mom. Her
dad later came in, already dressed, and headed directly over to her and they
shared an intimate look. She then got up to serve him the plate she had
specially prepared and kept aside for him.

It was sort of uncomfortable watching them together,
but Elisa had no reaction so it might have been a normal occurrence. I excused
myself and headed up to the bedroom to get ready for work.

Work ... the very thought of the word felt weird to me,
but I looked forward to it.

By noon however, I was thoroughly exhausted. Elisa's
dad had given us a list of books he needed delivered to a client, so we had to
locate the books and prepare them for delivery.

We were at it all morning and by
noon,
there was still no hope of being done anytime soon. We continued all through
that day as well as the next two so I was completely occupied, except for a few
times when James came over to deliver pastries that Elisa's dad had ordered for
us, and we stopped to have a chat with him.

I’d felt anxious on the first day when I’d seen him
talking to Elisa, but when it became apparent that Nathan wasn't going to ever
come along, I stopped hoping and just focused on my work. By the time we were
done on the third day, I was back to being unoccupied and once again, wanted to
see Nathan.

Going by the cafe was unacceptable now because it would
be too obvious, but it seemed like the only way I’d get to see him.

Mark and Elisa had gone out while I was still working
so I was left alone. It was just past three in the afternoon, and I was
starting to entertain daydreams about Nathan and I when Elisa's dad saved me
from myself. There was a request from a customer that had just called so I set
out to find the books. I had them stacked in my arms and was heading back to
the counter when the glass door to the store was pulled open.

I looked up to see Nathan walk in, and stopped in my
tracks. It barely registered when the books left my hand and fell to the floor,
but I did come to my senses when he glanced at them and then looked at me with
an amused smile on his face.

Embarrassed, I bent down to retrieve them but he was
already on it. He quickly gathered them together, and handed them over to me. I
muttered a “thank you” and placed them on the counter.

"Hey," he said when I turned back to him.

“Hi,” I responded.

Slipping his hands into his jeans pocket, he ran his
eyes around the room as he told me what he was in search of. It was some
journalism book, so I turned around and led him to the section that held the
journalism titles.

I decided to help him search, and was running my eyes
through the books stacked on the top shelves when I felt him come up behind me.
I didn’t want to be weird so I stayed absolutely still, but he was close enough
to have caused an eyebrow or two to rise if anyone else had been in the room
with us.

“I found one,” he said.

“Where?”
I asked.

He put his hand on my waist to sort of turn me to the
direction that he was referring to, and pointed. I took my time trying to
locate it with my eyes, just because I wanted his hand to remain where it was.
It caused a sweet burn that seared through my skin.

“I’ll get the stool,” I eventually said, but he took
his hand off my side and went towards it. He was tall enough so he just reached
up and pulled it out from the shelf.

“That’s one,” he said with a sweet smile and gave it to
me. I was about to start helping him look for the second when the ding of the
front door bell, called me away to the counter. I had just handed over the
receipt for the books that I had gathered earlier to the customer who’d wanted
them, when Nathan came over with the second book in his hand.

"
Point of
Departure
," he said and placed both books on the counter.

"Okay," I said, and proceeded to ring them
up. When I told him how much they cost, he brought out his wallet, and the
wallet reminded me of the first week we met.

“I still owe you, you know,” I said, when he handed the
money over to me.

He narrowed his eyes.
“How so?”

“The lunches that you got me from
that first week.
I said I was going to reimburse you but I forgot.”

He smiled. “I remember telling you to forget about it.”

“And I remember saying that I wouldn’t.”

“Well, technically you did forget,” he said, and took
the tote that I’d put them in.

“I’ll give it to you next time I see you.”

He chuckled.

“Why journalism?”
I asked, as
I took my time fumbling for change.

He shrugged. “It’s always interested me so now I’m
doing research to see what career paths I can take.”

“You want to be a journalist?”

“I’m considering it,” he said, and his eyes turned
watchful- as if he was trying to see what I thought about it without actually
asking me. I decided to save him the trouble.

“Well I think you’d be a terrible journalist,” I
stated, as I handed him his change.

He laughed.
“Really?
And why
is that?”

“Well for one, you’re terrible at sharing relevant
information, and two, you’re too reserved. Wait, is being too reserved a good
or bad thing? I feel it’s both.”

“Well, you’re the expert,” he mocked.

“I
am
.”

“What about you? What do you want to do?” he asked.

“I don’t know yet.”

“When will you know?”

“When I’m your age.”

He smiled.
“Fair enough.
Where’s Elisa?”

“She stepped out a while ago- I’m not sure where.”

"Say hi to her for when she returns," he
said. "And how's your new job?"

I laughed. "It's not really a job, I'm just
helping out."

"Okay, so how’s your helping out going?"

"It's good," I responded. “It’s really good-
I like it.”

He narrowed his eyes. "How does your dad feel
about you spending midterms here?"

"Oh he doesn't care," I answered with more
cheer than was appropriate, and instantly saw his concern.

"How's
your
dad?" I asked to change the subject.

"He's okay now. He left the hospital about a week
ago."

"Thank God. That’s really good,” I said, genuinely
happy and relieved for him.

“It is. He’s back to being troublesome and bossy
again.”

“He sounds delightful."

“He is. In a way you remind me of him. Is it weird that
I’m comparing you to my dad?”

“It kind of is.”

“Well, you’ll know what I mean when you meet him.”

“I look forward to it.”

“Me too,” he said, and we laughed quietly at each
other.

“Well, I have to run now,” he said. “But there’s
another book I’ll need. I don’t have time to search for it now so can you help
me? I’ll be by to pick it up tomorrow.”

“Yes, of course,” I said, trying to keep the excitement
out of my voice, and brought out a pad of sticky notes for him to scribble the
title on. I went to search for his book the moment he walked out of the store.

He didn't come the next day.

James came instead with a delivery for Elisa's dad and
a request from Nathan to pick up a book from me. At first I was stunned, then
as I lowered my head and started to ring up the book for James, my heart
started to hurt.

All morning long I had been nervous for when Nathan
would come in. So even though Elisa had been trying to get me to help her with
the boxes of books that she’d had to sort through all morning, I’d given one
excuse after the other and remained at the counter, waiting for the moment he’d
show up. But instead, he’d sent James.

I didn’t matter as much to him, as he did to me. That
much was now clear… and I wasn’t going to take it anymore. If there was one thing
that I’d taken away from my parents’ marriage, it was that no one would ever be
worth my happiness or the waste of my time.

So as I handed the book over to James, I made up my
mind that my silliness all morning was the last of my energy that I was ever
going to expend towards him.

“Is he busy?” I couldn’t help asking.

“No,” James replied, as he received the bag that I’d
placed the book in. “We were about to come over together but he changed his
mind at the last minute, and went to the park instead.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. He had a book with him, so I think he
just needed the space to read.”

“So he wasn’t held up by anything important.”

“Nah, I don’t think so.”

“You know what?” I said. “Do you mind if I just give it
to him myself? There’s something that I need to talk to him about.”

“Okay.” he said, but looked concerned as he watched me.
It was apparently obvious that I was upset.

I went around the counter, and he handed the bag over
to me.

“Are you alright?” he asked, and I gave him a small
smile.

“I am. Could you please tell Elisa to take over for me?
I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Okay,” he said, and left to find Elisa.

*

The park was about a seven
minute walk from the bookstore. And then it took me an additional five minutes
to look for him before I eventually found him. He was in a secluded area of the
park, and was seated on a bench that was shaded by a huge tree.

He was so engrossed in the book open on his lap that
even though I stood there for almost a minute watching him, he never looked up
once. The park was bursting with activity so there were enough things to
distract someone once in a while, but he never let any of them get to him, just
like he was with me.

“Nathan” I called, and walked forward to place his book
beside him on the bench. I wanted so badly to hit him with it.

“Hey,” he replied as he looked up, surprised to see me.
I took a few steps away from him.

“James said you were here, so I thought I’d just bring
it to you,” I said, and wondered why I was even bothering to explain myself to him.

“Thank you,” he replied.

I turned to leave, but had only taken a few steps when
I stopped, and turned back to him. I found that he was still watching me. “Why
didn’t you come to pick it up yourself?” I asked.

He didn’t seem surprised at the question at all. He
shrugged. “I just thought it’d be better if James helped me instead.”

“Why?”

He didn’t respond.

“Didn’t you want to see me?”

He took off his glasses, and lowered his head as he
gently folded them. “Of course I did,” he said, and looked back up at me.

“Then why didn’t you come?”

“It would have been better for Jam–”

“You’ve already said that. So don’t patronize me, we’re
not in school right now.
 
Just tell me
the truth. And don’t
worry,
it’s not going to change anything
between us, if that’s what you’re concerned about. I just want to know.”

He continued to stare at me, and after sometime I was
convinced that like always, he wasn’t going to say anything.

“Nathan, I’m done!” I said to him. I wanted to say more
but if I had kept my gaze on him for one more second, he would have seen the
tears that filled my eyes the moment I turned around.

“Lenora wait!” he said, but I increased my pace.

I never wanted anything to do with him again. This was
all my
fault. As if the troubles I’d had to begin with
weren’t enough, I’d gone on and added him to the mix. Of course he was supposed
to disappoint me. He was a guy, and that was what they all did.

Suddenly, I felt his hand take a hold of mine but I
jerked it away.

“Leave me alone,” I said, and continued walking. But I
was forced to stop when he overtook me and came to stand right in front of me.
I bumped into him and for some reason, the moment I held unto him so that I
could stable myself, the tears rolled down my eyes.

“What is
wrong
with you?” I yelled, refusing to meet his eyes. “Get out of my way.” I moved to
my left so that I could leave, but he moved with me, effectively blocking me
from leaving. I stopped, and let out a deep breath.

“Nathan, move!” I ordered, but he refused.

“Look at me.” he pleaded.

“No, I want you to get out of my way. Look, this has
absolutely nothing to do with you, so could you please get out of my way before
I do something to hurt you.”

I heard him sigh, and then he said, “Lenora, I’m in
love with you.”

I felt the pang,
hit
my chest.

What?

I’d never imagined that those words would ever come out
of his mouth, so I’d never thought of what my reaction would be. But in that
moment, and as the shock of the words began to wear off, I became angry at him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked. “You’re going
to throw that in my face because you think it’s what I want to hear?”

He took a step back from me, and right then, I realized
that I had been wrong. He’d meant every word of what he had just said, and I had
thrown it in his face. He moved away from me and started walking back to the
bench.

I instantly felt horrible. And as I lifted both of my
hands to slowly wipe the tears off my face, I thought of what I was going to
do. First of all, I didn’t know how to feel because at that moment, a thousand
and one emotions were coursing through my body.

On one hand, I was beginning to feel the impact of what
he’d just said to me, and on the other hand, it seemed too impossible to
believe. I was cold, and I was warm; shocked but still skeptic.

Nathan had just told me that he was in love with me.
Holy Shit
!

I turned around, and started heading back to him. I
didn’t think I could sit down so when I reached him, I just stood to the side
and folded my arms across my chest. He turned his head to look at me.

“I’m sorry,” I said, and he shook his head. “It’s
fine.”

We were both quiet for some time. Then I spoke.

“If you… um… just like you said, then why have you been
acting insane the past couple of weeks?”

At that he let out a laugh, but it was a strained one.

He looked away from me and straight ahead as he
responded. “That’s
why
I’ve been
acting insane the past couple of weeks. And also I found out about Beverly
bullying you, so I just made the decision to stay away.”

I had always suspected that he knew but now that he was
saying it out, it made me suddenly nervous and I wasn’t sure why. “When did you
find out?” I asked. “And how?”

“I confirmed it that morning in the courtyard when I
asked if you were alright. You looked so exhausted and upset that I expected
you to tell me about it, but when you didn’t I had to go find out. Plus Elisa
had all her worry for you written across her face.”

“
Damn her
!” I
said, and he smiled again.

“Anyway, Marilyn was telling me about all of it the day
you came over to us in the cafeteria. I apologize for how cold I seemed towards
you, but at that moment, I was just so
pissed
.”

“That’s just the first among many apologies,” I said
with a laugh, but he knew that I wasn’t joking.

“I know.” he said softly.

“You could’ve just told me about it, instead of keeping
me in the dark the way you did.”

“I know,” he repeated.

“So why didn’t you?”

I knew then that there was another reason why he had
stayed away because suddenly, he seemed even unhappier to be telling me any of
this. He sighed.

“I thought I could manage this … thing, between us. But
when I kissed you, I realized that I couldn’t, and I didn’t want to make it
worse for you than I already had. So I stayed away.”

The pain returned to my heart again, but I resisted the
urge to press my hand against my chest. “What do you mean?” I asked, almost not
wanting to hear the rest of what he had to say, because I was sure that I
wasn’t going to like it.

“Lenora we’re not ready. At this point in our lives, I
don’t think that we can make this into what it’s supposed to be.”

“Nathan, that’s bullshit.”

“It’s not.”

“Well what about Elisa and Matthew? They’re making it
work. Why can’t we? ”

“That’s not what I want with you,” he said, his tone
somewhat harsh. “No offence to them but their relationship has an expiration
date.”

Suddenly I needed to sit down, but I couldn’t bring
myself to move. I unfolded my arms from across my chest. “Nathan…”
 
I warned but he went on.

“I don’t expect you to completely understand me, but
right now, it’s more important to me that you’re able to find out who you are,
and what you really want. And you need to do it alone, or not be so invested in
someone that you’re not able to see properly.”

I was stunned. What the hell was he saying?

“You just said you’re in love with me,” I said. “What
does that mean in your book? Because in mine, it means that you’re ready to
try, and fight.”

“Lenora, this is me
fighting
.
I don't want to just
try
when there's
a very huge chance that we might not work. In fact we
won't
work, because we're still too young and uncertain. Neither of
us knows what we want yet, and until we do, I'm not willing to gamble away the
one thing that I do know I want."

I snorted in disbelief. "You're just being
selfish."

“I am, but I’m not going to apologize for that. Lenora
we’ve seen our parents go from being in love to destroying each other. I don’t
want that to be us. Falling in love is not a big deal because unless you’re
able to maintain it, they’re just feelings. And they come as easily as they
go.”

“So why did you bother telling me at all if it doesn’t
mean anything to you?”

“Because I want you to understand me,
and what I want.
I want
right now
as much as you do, but do you know what I want more? I want to be able to have
a long, insanely crazy, and fulfilling life with you. And if we don’t choose
the battles that we’re going to fight, we’ll never have that. If this is not
what you want then that’s fine. But I'm going to hold out and wait, because
right now I’m a mess, and so are you.”

"I don't think I can wait," I said, partially
honest and also in a bid to threaten him enough to change his mind.

He stood up then, and came to stand in front of me.

"I don't expect you to," he said, as he
stared deeply into my eyes. “And I’m not claiming to know why I can feel this
way about you today, but still
be
able to hate you
just as much, years, or even months down the line. But until I find out, I’m
not going to gamble with you. I’d rather not have tried at all than be with
you, and then fail. I won’t want to recover from that. ”

He softly brushed his knuckles against my cheeks, and
then went over to the bench to retrieve his books. He came back to me to plant
a soft kiss on my forehead, before turning around and walking away.

I felt the loss as I watched him leave, but instead of
just the cold, it was accompanied with a strange kind of warmth. It all
threatened to put me in tears again but I held myself together, and returned to
the store as soon as he was out of sight.