Read The Beginning Place Online
Authors: Ursula K. Le Guin
The Beginning Place (20 page)
“It’ll take a while. It’s an awful bruise.”
He was looking at her again, uncertainly; then, with resolution, came to her, touched her hair and cheek, and kissed her mouth—not expertly, and not very passionately; but it was their first kiss. Better than the kiss she liked the touch of his large hand. She wanted to tell him that he was beautiful and that she liked him, but she was no good at saying things.
“Are you warm enough?” he asked. “I’ve got all the clothes on.”
“I always warm up right away walking.”
He waited for her to start off, making no pretense of knowing where they should go. She set off with a new access of confidence along the ridgetop, continuing their course beside the stream in the direction she was resolved to call east.
They walked steadily without speaking for a long way. The ridge, a long, lean spur of the mountain, curved somewhat to the left as they went; its back rose and fell, but the slant over all and always was downhill. The woods on the spine of the ridge were sparse, making easy going, and there were some long open stretches where it was pleasant to walk in the short, dry, brownish grass out from under the dark overhang of branches. At last the spur began to descend steeply, then abruptly. Failing to find an easier way they had to scramble down, clutching at roots and forced sometimes
to slide. They fetched up at the bottom, in the streambed, a steep-sided, thickly overgrown ravine. They made their way at once down to the stream to drink.
to slide. They fetched up at the bottom, in the streambed, a steep-sided, thickly overgrown ravine. They made their way at once down to the stream to drink.
Irena climbed back up the muddy bank to a clear place made by the falling of a big tree, and stood there considering. This stream was about the same size as Third River. If it was Third River, all they had to do was follow it and they would cross the south road—but this wasn’t Third River. This was the same stream they had been following all the way from its source, the spring among the ferns, below the dragon’s cave. It was flowing east or southeast, down off the mountain, in this canyon. Third River flowed west, past the mountain. This must be a tributary; it would meet Third River somewhere. It was running toward the left and Third River would run to the right, from this side, if she was facing south now—
She stood trying to work this out, how the streams could be running opposite ways, what direction she must be facing. A knot came into her throat. The names of the compass, north, west, south, east, were words without meaning. Whichever way she faced could be south. Or could be north.
Hugh came up beside her. “You ready for a break?” he asked. He put his hand on her shoulder. She flinched away from the touch.
He moved away at once, crossing the little clearing. He sat down with his back against the massive trunk of the fallen tree, and closed his eyes.
When she came to sit down by him he said, “Maybe we should eat something.”
She opened the pack and laid out the food that was left. There was more than she had thought; certainly enough to get by another day on. That gave her courage to say, “I don’t know where we are.”
“We never did, did we?” he said, impassive. Then, with visible effort, he moved, opened his eyes, asked questions and made suggestions. They discussed following this stream on as they had been doing, since it must join one of the larger streams eventually.
“Or if we’re going the wrong way we’ll come to the sea,” he said, meaning to joke, but his voice died off on the last word.
“The other possibility would be to turn left here,” Irena said, working on a second strip of mutton jerky and feeling enlivened by it. “Because I keep thinking we aren’t going east enough. And so long as we stay on the mountain we aren’t completely lost—at least we know where the mountain is.”
“But we don’t get any nearer the gateway.”
“I know. But the mountain is really the only landmark we have. Since we lost the sense of where the gateway is.”
“I know. It’s all alike. Like when I went past the gateway. I guess … I guess what I’m afraid of is that that’s happened again. The gate isn’t there any more. There’s nothing to find.”
“That’s never happened to me,” she said, defiant. “It’s not going to. I’m not going to stay here.”
He was pushing fir needles into patterns on the ground beside the fallen tree.
“That’s yours,” she said, trying to keep her eyes off his share of meat.
“I’m not really hungry.”
After a while she said, “You’re not leaving more for me, or something creepy like that, are you?”
“No,” he said, candid, startled; he smiled, looking up at her. “I just don’t feel like eating. If I did you wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“You can’t fast and do a long walk like this too.”
“Sure. Live off my fat, like a camel.”
She frowned. She wanted to move closer beside him and touch him, his rough hair and tired, stubbly cheeks, his big, powerful, yet childlike hand; but she was prevented by having flinched away from his touch a few minutes before. She wanted to deny his self-denigration but did not know what to say.
His eyes were closed or closing; he had leaned back against the fallen tree. She said nothing, locked in self-consciousness and a deepening depression of spirits. When she glanced at him again he was asleep, his face slack, the hand on his thigh lax.
They ought to go on. They had to go on. They couldn’t sit down and sleep, or they would never get to the gateway. “Hugh,” she said. He did not hear. Then her anxiety melted in the fearful, passionate tenderness it had risen from. She went to him and pushed him over gently to make him lie
down. He roused. “Go to sleep,” she said. He obeyed her. She sat beside him a while. As she sat she listened to the sound of the stream nearby, which she had not paid attention to before. It ran quiet here, flowing softly on sand or mud, the gentlest murmur. She began to realize that she was tired. She got the red cloak, which he had not worn once he had warmed up in the leather coat, and put it over them both as a blanket, and fitted herself against Hugh, and went to sleep.
down. He roused. “Go to sleep,” she said. He obeyed her. She sat beside him a while. As she sat she listened to the sound of the stream nearby, which she had not paid attention to before. It ran quiet here, flowing softly on sand or mud, the gentlest murmur. She began to realize that she was tired. She got the red cloak, which he had not worn once he had warmed up in the leather coat, and put it over them both as a blanket, and fitted herself against Hugh, and went to sleep.
When they roused up both of them were stiff, slow, unready. Irena went back down the bank to drink from the stream. She washed her hands and face, and the cool water was so pleasant, and she felt so ingrained with travel-dirt, that she found a shallow pool downstream and took off her clothes and bathed. She was shy of Hugh’s seeing her, and got dressed again quickly. He came down the bank farther upstream, where it was low, and knelt ponderously to drink. “Have a swim. I did,” Irena called, buttoning up her shirt, shivering pleasantly.
“Too cold.”
“You still feel cold?” she asked, joining him on the ferny, muddy shore.
“All the time.”
“It was that—the dragon thing—It was cold. I felt it.”
“I just want to see the sunlight,” he said. There was a ring of despair in his voice that frightened her.
“We’ll get out, Hugh. Don’t—”
“Which way?” he asked, standing up. He used a knotty bush growing from the bank to help pull himself upright.
“Follow the stream, I guess.”
“Good. I don’t feel much like mountain climbing,” he said with an effort at jocularity.
She took his hand. It was stone cold.—Cold from the water, she realized: but that cold touch had shocked her beyond the reach of rational explanation. She was in fear for him. She looked up at him and said his name.
He met her gaze, looking at her as if he saw all of her with a longing he could not speak. He put his right hand on her hair and drew her against him. He was a wall, a fortress, a bulwark, and mortal, frail, easier to hurt than heal; dragonkiller, child of the dragon; king’s son, poor man, poor, brief, unknowing soul. His desire for her stood up and throbbed against her belly, but his arms held her in a greater longing even than that, one for which life cannot give consummation. She held him so to her, they stood there together.
S
he led the way. He came along as well as he could. She looked back often, and sometimes had to wait for him. He tried to keep up, but the going was not easy along the stream bank. Roots, bushes, ferns crowded together and the ground beneath them was uneven, sometimes slippery. Since he had pulled something wrong, coming down the steep ravine, the pain in his side never left off any more. It shortened his breath and his stride. After a while he did not think about trying to keep up but only about trying to keep going. Where a lesser stream came down into the one they were following it spread out into a marsh where there was no sound footing, and they decided they would have to cross the water. That was very difficult. The dizziness that came and went in his head made it hard to balance on the slick stones against the tug of the current. He was afraid that if he fell he would pull something wrong there again in his side. He got across all
right, but a while later they had to cross again, he did not know why; he was concentrating entirely now on the next few steps. She tried to give him a hand, crossing, but it wasn’t much good. She wasn’t big enough, if he slipped he slipped, damned elephant. The water was burning cold. They were across now, and an easier way opened along a sandy shore under grey trees. If only his side didn’t burn, and the sword drive into him a little deeper now, and again now, and again now. She was like a shadow, she went before him so lightly; the only shadow in this world without shadows, without moon or sun. Wait for me, Irena! he wanted to say, but he didn’t have to; she waited. She turned to him, returned to him. Her warm, strong hand touched his. “You want to rest a while, Hugh?” He shook his head. “I want to go on,” he said. The sword drove into him a little deeper, again, now. His name, his father’s name, which he had hated, in her voice was baptism: a breath, the outbreath: you. You my fulfillment. You beyond all expectation met: you my life. Not death but life. Before the cave of the dragon we were married.
he led the way. He came along as well as he could. She looked back often, and sometimes had to wait for him. He tried to keep up, but the going was not easy along the stream bank. Roots, bushes, ferns crowded together and the ground beneath them was uneven, sometimes slippery. Since he had pulled something wrong, coming down the steep ravine, the pain in his side never left off any more. It shortened his breath and his stride. After a while he did not think about trying to keep up but only about trying to keep going. Where a lesser stream came down into the one they were following it spread out into a marsh where there was no sound footing, and they decided they would have to cross the water. That was very difficult. The dizziness that came and went in his head made it hard to balance on the slick stones against the tug of the current. He was afraid that if he fell he would pull something wrong there again in his side. He got across all
right, but a while later they had to cross again, he did not know why; he was concentrating entirely now on the next few steps. She tried to give him a hand, crossing, but it wasn’t much good. She wasn’t big enough, if he slipped he slipped, damned elephant. The water was burning cold. They were across now, and an easier way opened along a sandy shore under grey trees. If only his side didn’t burn, and the sword drive into him a little deeper now, and again now, and again now. She was like a shadow, she went before him so lightly; the only shadow in this world without shadows, without moon or sun. Wait for me, Irena! he wanted to say, but he didn’t have to; she waited. She turned to him, returned to him. Her warm, strong hand touched his. “You want to rest a while, Hugh?” He shook his head. “I want to go on,” he said. The sword drove into him a little deeper, again, now. His name, his father’s name, which he had hated, in her voice was baptism: a breath, the outbreath: you. You my fulfillment. You beyond all expectation met: you my life. Not death but life. Before the cave of the dragon we were married.
“For a little while,” he said. He was on his knees. She came to him, faithful and concerned. He told her not to worry, he wanted to sit down and rest for a little while, or he meant to tell her that.
She made him lie down, and put the red cloak around him; she held him and tried to warm him with her warmth. It was he that was the shadow, she was warmth, sunlight.
“Sing the song,” he said.
She did not hear him at first; he could not speak loudly because of the sword in his side. When he said it again she understood. She propped herself up on her elbow and turned her face away a little and sang in her thin, sweet voice, the lark’s voice, without fear,
When the flower is in the bud
and the leaf is on the tree
the lark will sing me home
to my ain countrie.
and the leaf is on the tree
the lark will sing me home
to my ain countrie.
“It’s that one,” he said.
“What is it?”
“Home’s that country,” he said. “Not this one.”
Her face was close to his, and she stroked his hair. Her warmth had come into him. He closed his eyes. When he woke whatever was wrong in his side did not hurt at all, until he moved. Getting up was the hardest part. He could not kneel down to the water to drink without having to get up all over again, ashamed of the noises that came out of his chest as he did so, a series of creaking gasps, but he couldn’t stand up without making them. “Come on,” Irena said, “along here.” She spoke so reassuringly that he asked, “You found the way?” She did not hear him. He could walk all right, but he stumbled a lot. It worked best if she walked with him. She guided him so well that he could walk with his eyes shut part of the time, but when he staggered off the path he pulled her with him, so he tried to keep his eyes open. The going was
easy. The trees parted before them, made way for them. But they had to cross the creek again. It was not possible.
easy. The trees parted before them, made way for them. But they had to cross the creek again. It was not possible.
“You did it before,” she said.
Had he? That would be why he felt so cold: he was wet. No harm to get wet again, then. The water burned like fire, the dark, quick-running water he would not drink again. There was the shelf-rock above the creek where he, where she had knelt. And the bushes and the flowerless grass of the glade, the beginning place, but the end, now; and the pine and the high laurels, but no way between them, not till her hand opened it for him. But still he could not go through it till she took his hand and came beside him into the new world.
She had expected sunlight. She had always thought they would come out into the hot, tremendous sunlight of that hot summer. They came across the threshold into night and rain.
The rain was falling thick in big drops. The sound of it hitting the leaves of the woods and the ground was beautiful, and the smell of it. Her face was wet with rain as if with tears. But she could not let Hugh rest, as she had counted on doing as soon as they got through. Not on this soaked ground, and their jeans and shoes already wet through from crossing the three rivers. They had to keep on going. It wasn’t fair, he was blind with pain and fever. But she kept hold of his arm and he
kept going. They worked their way slowly through the dark wood, and out across the waste fields. Air and ground were streaked by turning distant carlights from the highway fanning out through the falling rain. Once Hugh stumbled and as he recovered himself, pulling heavily on her, cried out; but then he said, “It’s all right,” and they went on, getting closer to the gravel road, the all-night lights beside the paint factory their beacon. On the short slope up to the road he sank down onto his knees and then without any word or sign slipped forward and lay face down on the ground.
kept going. They worked their way slowly through the dark wood, and out across the waste fields. Air and ground were streaked by turning distant carlights from the highway fanning out through the falling rain. Once Hugh stumbled and as he recovered himself, pulling heavily on her, cried out; but then he said, “It’s all right,” and they went on, getting closer to the gravel road, the all-night lights beside the paint factory their beacon. On the short slope up to the road he sank down onto his knees and then without any word or sign slipped forward and lay face down on the ground.
She had come down with him; she crouched beside him in the wet grass. After a while she scrambled up onto the road’s edge, stood there a moment looking back at the darkness where he lay. She could not see him. Whimpering with misery as he had whimpered with pain, she started to walk down the road, towards the farm.
Headlights behind her, from the factory. In rabbit terror she froze on the road’s edge, heard the engine slow, the tires grate.
“Hey. Anything wrong?”
That it might yet be, that it might always be what she feared she knew, but she turned around and went to the car. She was shaking. She made out a redbearded face in the back glow of the lights. “My friend’s hurt,” she said.
“Where? Hang on.”
It was a small car, and Hugh never came to enough to be much help, but Redbeard, determined, got him folded somehow into the front seat, then jack-knifed Irena into the back and drove at eighty and enjoying it to Fairways Hospital. He
was out of the car as he jammed on the brake at the emergency entrance, enjoying that too. Once Hugh had been taken in the glamorous part was over, but still Redbeard waited with her in the emergency waiting room, got her coffee and a candy bar from the machines in the lobby, did what a fellow human being might do; not an uncommon thing, in Irena’s experience, nor yet, nor ever, a common one. It is royalty that call each other sister, brother.
was out of the car as he jammed on the brake at the emergency entrance, enjoying that too. Once Hugh had been taken in the glamorous part was over, but still Redbeard waited with her in the emergency waiting room, got her coffee and a candy bar from the machines in the lobby, did what a fellow human being might do; not an uncommon thing, in Irena’s experience, nor yet, nor ever, a common one. It is royalty that call each other sister, brother.
The doctor that talked to her at last asked a few questions. Irena had been listening to Redbeard talking basketball scores and had prepared no story. “He got beat up,” she said, all she could think of when she realized there had to be some explanation.
“You were in the woods,” the doctor said.
“Hiking.”
“You got lost? How long have you been there?”
“I don’t know exactly.”
“I’d better have you checked over.”
“I’m all right. Just tired. I was scared.”
“You’re certain you weren’t hurt yourself?” the doctor said harshly: a middle-aged woman, tired, grey-faced in the merciless fluorescent light of the ten P.M. Labor Day weekend hospital emergency ward hallway.
“I’m O.K., I’ll be fine when I get some sleep. Is Hugh—”
“Have you somewhere to go?”
“The man that picked us up, he’ll drive me to my mother’s place. Is Hugh—”
“I’m waiting for the X-rays. He’ll stay here. Did you sign
those—yes. All right.” She turned away. Cowed by the power of the Doctor, the Hospital, Irena turned to go in silence.
those—yes. All right.” She turned away. Cowed by the power of the Doctor, the Hospital, Irena turned to go in silence.
The orderly who had taken Hugh in looked out of a cubicle. “He asked would somebody get in touch with his mother,” he said, seeing Irena. “You do that?”
“Yes.”
“He’s all right,” the doctor said. “Go get some sleep.”
“They’re going to keep you another night.”
“I know,” he said, lying comfortably on the high hard bed, the next to last of the ward. “I don’t feel a whole lot like getting up right now anyhow.”
“But are you O.K.?”
“Fine. They got all this stuff wrapped around me, look. No, I can’t show you, this thing opens in the back, it’s indecent. But there’s all this bandage stuff around me, like a mummy. Every time I wake up I get a pill.”
“It’s a broken rib?”
“One broken and one cracked. How about you?”
“I’m fine. Listen, Hugh, have they asked you about, you know, what happened?”
“I just said I didn’t remember.”
“That’s good. See, if we had different stories they might think there was something fishy.”
“What did happen?”
“We were hiking in the woods and some tough guys beat you up and then ran.”
“Was that it?”
He saw her uncertainty.
“Irena. I do remember.”
She smiled, still uncertain. “I thought you were spaced out on those pills, maybe.”
“I am. Mostly just sleepy. I guess there’s parts … I don’t know how we got to the gate. We did get onto the right path finally?”
“Yeah. You were kind of out of it.” She put her hand on his. They were both made shy by the other people in the restless, busy ward, men in bed, half-dressed, swathed heads, bare feet sticking out of casts, sleeping, staring, visitors coming and going, television and radios on three different stations and the smell of death and disinfectant.
“Did you have to go to work today?”
“No. It’s still only Monday.”
“My God.”
“Listen, Hugh.”
He smiled, watching her.
“I went and saw your mother, this morning.”
After a minute he asked rather vaguely, “She all right?”
“When I called her last night, you know, she didn’t seem to understand very well. She kept asking who I was, and I said I’d been hiking with you, you know, but she kept asking the same things. She was upset. It was late, and everything. I
shouldn’t have called. So when they wouldn’t let me in here this morning I thought I ought to go see her. She didn’t seem to understand you were here, in the hospital.”
shouldn’t have called. So when they wouldn’t let me in here this morning I thought I ought to go see her. She didn’t seem to understand you were here, in the hospital.”
He said nothing.
“Well, she …”
“She jumped on you,” he said, with so much anger that she hurried to speak—“No, she didn’t—Only she didn’t seem to—well, I said you needed some clothes and stuff. I thought she’d want to take them to you, you know. She went and came back with this suitcase, she had it all ready, it’s in the car, I’ll leave it for you. I—well, she sort of shoved it at me, at the door, and said, ‘He doesn’t have to come back after this,’ and she was—she shut the—I couldn’t do anything but just go. After what, did she mean? I must have said something all wrong and she misunderstood and I don’t know what to, how to straighten it out. I’m sorry, Hugh.”
“No,” he said. He closed his eyes. Presently he turned his hand, gripping Irena’s hand strongly. “It’s all right,” he said when he could speak. “Home free.”
“But doesn’t she want you to come back?” Irena said in distress and perplexity.
“No. And I don’t want to. I want to go with you. I want to live with you.” He sat up to get his head closer to her. “I want to get a place, an apartment or something, if you—I have some money in the bank, if this damned hospital doesn’t take it all—If you—”
“Yes, all right, listen. I wanted to tell you. After I saw her it still wasn’t visiting hours yet, so I went out to 48th and
Morressey. There was this ad in this morning’s paper. That’s the Hillside district, you know. It sounded really good, two twenty-five a month with utilities, its really good for ten minutes from downtown. I went right there. It’s a garage apartment. I’ll take it anyway. I signed for it. I can’t go back where I was.”
Morressey. There was this ad in this morning’s paper. That’s the Hillside district, you know. It sounded really good, two twenty-five a month with utilities, its really good for ten minutes from downtown. I went right there. It’s a garage apartment. I’ll take it anyway. I signed for it. I can’t go back where I was.”
“You want to take it together?”
“If you want to. It’s a really nice place. The people in the house are really nice. They aren’t married either.”
“We are,” he said.
Next morning they left the hospital together. It was raining again, and she wore the patched and battered cloak, he the stained leather coat. They went off in her car together. There is more than one road to the city.
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