The Believing Game (16 page)

“Did you know who also knelt down to wash feet, according to the Gospel?”

I was ready to place a bet on Cain. We looked up to Joshua and waited for him to tell us. “Jesus Christ himself washed the feet of the apostles at the Last Supper.” Joshua looked meaningfully at us.

“That's okay. We're good.”

“Part of following sometimes means accepting the gift of wisdom in all its forms.” Hannah nodded solemnly.

“I don't mean to be contrary —” I began.

“You do,” Joshua interrupted.

“I don't.” I paused and waited for him to stop me. “But yesterday we talked about how important your Jewish faith was to you, right?”

“I said I was angry that you had made assumptions about me.”

“Right, and I'm sorry for that. It's just — a lot of this …” I pointed at the basin, his feet glistening on the towel. “Well, it's rooted in Christian tradition, right? So doesn't that interfere with your beliefs?”

“I appreciate that question. That is an Elizabeth question.” Joshua's voice boomed his approval. “That's the kind of holy questioning I'm talking about.” Joshua smiled at me. I waited for his answer. “You know why.”

“I don't.”

“Try. Think critically.”

“Well, those beliefs might overlap.”

“Because?”

“Don't you want to provide the big, revelatory moment? I don't want to rob you of that.”

He grinned at me. “Jesus was a Jew.”

“Right.”

“And the world underestimated him. Misunderstood him. His followers were not plenty. And some of them even joined him from the far outskirts of their society. But they were loyal and faithful. He told them the meek would inherit the earth.” Joshua gazed up at Hannah. “And I believe that is true.”

“But you're not comparing —” Sophie started stammering and rubbed her face with her hands. “I mean, that's just —”

“Arrogant? Impudent?”

“Well, yeah. I think it's that. I'm sorry. But you've asked us to speak honestly.”

“I recognize that. Your reaction is not surprising. It's just more typical than I'd expect from you. Because, Sophia, I view you as an extraordinary young woman. Greer is smart and strong. She carries the gift. And Hannah is resilient. But you are our visionary. I wish you would understand. I'm not claiming to be God any more than I claimed I could resurrect Nicholas.” Sophie winced at her brother's name.

Silently I willed her to just let it go. We weren't going to win at this. And at least if we nodded, we could go inside and maybe watch a movie, snuggled against two lovely specimens of young men who were clearly and maybe miraculously interested in us. That was a remnant from our old lives that I intended to enjoy this weekend.

Sophie met me halfway. “I'll think on that,” she told Joshua.

His smile broke across his face and he said, “That's excellent, then. That's all I ask.” Sophie dumped the warm, soapy water out onto the dirt and we paraded back inside, Joshua carrying his beat-up sneakers in his hand.

The boys sat around the dining room table, playing poker. So they got card games and we got to bathe the master's feet. Addison looked up. “Everything okay?”

“Peachy.” The boys had already broken out a box of brownies I'd picked up at the store the day before. “What's with the sugar rush before ten in the morning?”

Wes dealt a new hand. “Second breakfast.”

“You guys amaze me.” Sometimes I watched Add eat and wondered what it might feel like to eat like a guy. Whatever tasted good. No worries. Sometimes, at the dining hall, I had seen him throw out a whole half of his sandwich. Not to
prove some point about how little he could eat. He felt full. No more sandwich. The wonder of it being a nonissue killed me.

Not all guys ate like that. I knew that. Jared made a lot of jokes about his fat ass, for one. He wore jeans he probably had to lie down to zip and usually chose salads at lunch. But Wes, Addison, Joshua — they all ate thoughtlessly. I wondered what I'd fill my brain with if I hadn't packed it up with hundreds of thoughts about food and fat all day. Poker, I guess. Probably porn.

Wes dropped his voice so only I could hear. “I'm sorry. Were the brownies reserved for anything?” I couldn't help smiling. “What?” he asked. “What's funny?”

“You're so careful to make sure the whole room doesn't know you actually care about people. God forbid anyone know you're not a complete dick.”

He muttered, “I don't want to ruin it for Joshua. He needs a villain, right?”

“He needs a Judas.” I said it under my breath. “We were washing his feet.”

“Whose feet? What?”

“Joshua called it a ritual. We went outside and washed his feet and then rubbed oil on them.” The whole time we talked, I watched Addison out of the corner of my eye. He was laughing about gambling crap with Joshua.

“Are you for real? You realize we're now treading the edge of true insanity?”

“How come you're playing poker?” It had just occurred to me. I hadn't meant to ambush him.

But Wes's eyes slid away from me.

I tried to tease it out of him. “What's happened to the Gambling Anonymous poster boy?”

That backfired. “Listen. If it's not something that anyone takes seriously, then it's not something I feel the need to answer for.”

“Wait —”

But he held up his hand. “Stop.” He spoke the rest over his back as he sauntered into the living room. We'd been talking so quietly, but Wes meant for the others to hear his parting shot. “I'm sorry you had such an awful morning. We just sat back and relaxed a little. I didn't win too much bank from your broke-ass man.”

“Hey, now!” Jared spoke up and Joshua's head whipped toward me. I plastered an I-don't-know-what-the-hell-just-happened look on my face and shrugged my shoulders. “What's up, Wes?” Jared wrapped one arm around him.

“I'm sick of all the sanctimonious bullshit — that's what's up. Who suggested the poker game, Jared? Why don't you clue Greer in? Who pulled out the cards?”

“I don't remember. You know, I'm sorry I wasn't thinking in terms of gambling stuff, you know. It was just us guys playing.”

“To you, it's just guys playing,” Joshua said sagely. “To an addict, it's a step off a steep cliff.”

“Let's get one thing straight — there's no cliff,” Wes said. “It's a bad habit. I'm not worried about falling into it again. I go to meetings and I talk the talk to try to make up to my parents because they're good people and I blew through my college fund.”

Most of us just stood there, watching Wes unravel. Joshua said, “That is your burden.”

“Yeah, you knew that was my burden. Because Addison knew that. Who brought the cards out, Jared? Do you remember yet?”

“We were just playing for Cheerios, for Christ's sake —”

“Who brought out the cards?”

“Addison.” Jared said it and then glanced over to Add, an apology in his eyes.

Wes faced me. “So, yeah, don't ask me about it with that self-righteous look. Okay?” But his anger was quickly fading. He looked more embarrassed.

“Okay. I'm really sorry.”

And I meant it. He mumbled, “Going for a walk.” When he slammed the door on his way out, I felt bereft, as if I'd lost the one other person in the cabin who was asking the questions I was thinking in my head.

The silence in the room seemed to stretch on. Addison turned toward the fridge to grab the carton of milk. “What the hell was that all about?”

“He doesn't feel supported by us,” I said. “Maybe he has a point. I mean, how would you feel if Wes brought up a keg in the van with us?”

“It's not the same thing.”

“It kind of is, though.”

Addison poured a glass of milk and downed the whole thing before he deigned to answer me. I watched him wipe the pale, little mustache off his face. “I'm sorry.” Except he didn't sound sorry. “I had no idea you were so concerned with Wes's struggle to stop gambling. I'll try to be more vigilant to make sure he doesn't blackjack himself to death.”

“I don't get this — this hostility. You wanted me to buy in. I'm here. I'm in.” We'd dropped our voices but I still had the idea that the whole room was watching. We were entertaining certain people in particular. When Joshua headed toward us, I inwardly groaned, but he turned out to be the only one able to talk sense into Addison.

“Brother, don't mistake feeling guilty with feeling attacked. You messed up. Sometimes we treat others' burdens carelessly. Don't compound that by pushing Greer away. She's trying to lead you to goodness.”

I heard Addison say, “I don't need —”

Joshua stopped him. “Brother.” He spoke deliberately. “She is leading you —”

“Okay. Okay. I'm sorry.” Joshua held his eyes. Addison turned to me and repeated, “I am sorry. I overreacted.”

“It's okay.” I stepped into his open arms and buried my face in his chest, trying to shake loose the glacier look in his eyes, his dead tone. He smelled good. Woodsy, like smoke and pine, and I tried to focus on that instead of the sinking feeling spreading across my chest.

Addison gently separated himself from me. “I need to go find him and try to make things right.”

I watched him go and stood there in the kitchen, feeling helpless. Everything was falling apart. “Anyone want lunch?” I asked brightly.

Hannah lifted up her eyes from her book. “It's too early.” I resisted the urge to hurl a wooden spoon at her. Sophie and Jared had snuck off, probably to have the kind of morning I had hoped for me and Addison.

When Addison and Wes came in, they did so joking and laughing. Addison made a huge production of kneeling in front of me. “I'm sorry.”

“I know. You said that.”

He laughed. “But this time I mean it. Should I beg for forgiveness?”

“No. It was over the first time you apologized. Whether you meant it or not.” I felt Wes's eyes on me and smiled. “So everything's okay now?”

“It's all good,” he said. Nothing more earth-shattering. I nodded and looked sideways in time to catch Joshua watching me holding eye contact with Wes. I looked at my feet for a while then. “So what's the word? Have Jared and Sophie eloped yet?” Wes asked. I heard the leather recliner squeak as he leaned back.

“How about we have some shut-up sandwiches for lunch, ladies and gentlemen?” Jared called out from the kids' room. “Stop talking smack and start making some hoagies.”

I giggled and sighed. “Back to the kitchen.”

Addison laughed. “That's right, woman.” But when I sent him a withering look, he tacked on, “I'll help out.”

Sophie followed Jared in, with three or four DVDs in her hand. “Can we have a film viewing after a belly filling? We have an assortment. Sappy rom com? Political thriller? Prom night slasher?”

“Rom com,” Wes called out and we all gaped at him. “Don't judge — I'm a sensitive guy.”

I set out a bunch of bread and lunch meat and cheese and mayo and mustard and we crowded into the kitchen, building sandwiches. I looked over at one point to see Jared feeding Sophie a pickle. Addison wriggled his eyebrows at me, and I laughed and shook my head at him. Let them be. Let us all be. No one gave me any crap for rolling up turkey and cheese and not eating it on bread. It felt good. It felt like family again.

Except my mom would never have let us eat in the living room. Addison's mom might have been sitting and looking out the window, waiting for his dad to pull into the drive. Sophie's parents would have been too focused on Josie the Genius. I don't know for sure about the others. But I can't imagine family movie time was a barrel of laughs in any of their original addresses. Otherwise they would still be there.

We tumbled onto the sofa and the easy chairs. Some of us even sank into laps and settled in to watch a movie together. At that moment, I believed Joshua when he said he could create love and safety out of the air. That's what it felt like. Like we had created our own version of family ourselves.

By the time we circled up that night, we'd watched a movie, hiked down the back trail, eaten dinner, and even had nap time. The house hummed with happiness. Hannah seemed quiet, but I remembered how much I had to think about the morning after Joshua and I had stayed up talking. Sophie and Jared were obviously sitting in a tree, and I was happy for her. I just worried it left them vulnerable to Joshua's interpretation. At that point, though, Sophie would have said I was acting paranoid. So I shut my mouth and savored the perfect day at Camp Contentment.

I hid in the upstairs bedroom for an hour or so after dinner. The guys washed the dinner dishes. Sophie and Hannah dressed up and did each other's hair. I heard squealing and, at first, I didn't recognize the voice. Then I realized it was Hannah, sounding giddy and girly.

Once we gathered in front of the fire, Joshua asked us to study all the faces around the room. “We've spent a full day distancing ourselves from McCracken Hill, from your old selves. Look and see how relaxed you all are. Tension has fled. Worry lines have eased.” None of us were old enough for Botox yet, but I saw what Joshua meant. With her makeup done and her hair curled, Hannah looked like a different person. Older, but less haunted. Jared and Sophie seemed
drunk on each other. And Addison looked like the same old comfortable-in-my-skin-and-maybe-yours Addison. Except even more so. He looked like a better version of himself.

“I've given over much of the past night and day to reflection. Some of you have noticed me challenging you. That has caused some discomfort. For that, I apologize.” It occurred to me that Wes didn't seem any more relaxed. He had that trapped look, like he would just sit there in a comfortable chair until the weekend passed and he could climb into the van to return home. Joshua announced, “I feel such optimism about tonight and hope you share that with me.”

Hannah asked the question we were all thinking. “What's tonight, Joshua?”

“Tonight we're going to talk about our role in defending the world.”

“You're joking?” Wes rubbed his hand over his face.

Sophie corrected him. “No, it's a symbol.” She nodded to Jared.

“It's not a symbol,” I told her. “He's speaking metaphorically.”

Sophie looked puzzled. “That's not the same thing?”

“There is no joke. There's no symbol and there is certainly no metaphor.” Joshua's voice rose and boomed. Some of us flinched. All of us focused. “Not every generation has the good fortune of hearing a calling, and I offer it to you. You must listen closely to the universe for it. It speaks to you now. Stand as a cadre of warriors together and hear it. Historically, that's the way. Youth must rise up and take on the worthy wars. It's not your parents who will rise up — they have careers and children. Mortgages and country
club memberships. Your older siblings are consumed” — he looked at Addison and then Sophie — “by one thing or the other.” Joshua slammed his fist into his thigh so hard, I knew a bruise would blossom there. “You are the ones left to stand and defend us.”

I swung my head to check in with Addison, figuring he'd chuckle and slap Joshua's shoulder and we'd all have a good laugh. Then we'd put back on the lights and maybe watch the political thriller. Call it a night. But Addison looked as serious as I've ever seen him. His chiseled face, his shaved head. He stood at attention like the kind of soldier Joshua was ranting about needing for the front lines.

“None of you will have to fight right away,” Joshua assured us. “We have time, not a significant amount, but we do have time for you to train. When we get back to campus, that's going to take some creativity. Because you know the strictures they place on you. They are afraid of your potential. Rightly so. The weekend has given us the gift of a head start. Before they even look up, we will have begun preparations for the battle on the horizon.” Joshua dropped his voice down low. “Do you all hear me?” He searched each of our faces. “Do you all trust each other?” He sat back and crossed one leg over the other. “We're it, for a while. This isn't information you should share with anyone else.”

“I feel like I missed something major.” Jared spoke tentatively. “Maybe when Sophie and I — you know, we spent a good amount of time alone together. But I don't remember discussing a conflict besides the private ones we talked about yesterday.” Jared looked around frantically for help. I tried to formulate words and failed.

Addison spoke then. I thought,
He knows this has gone
far enough. Addison will put a stop to it.
But instead he said, “Maybe you should tell everyone a bit more about the situation we're facing.”

“Thank you, brother. Again, I need to stress that you might not have even considered the looming danger. That's all right. That's not your job. Your job is to answer the call. It's my job to be the conduit for the call. Do you understand what I mean by
conduit
?” He turned to Hannah.

She looked puzzled. “Usually you use it to describe electricity.”

“That's right.” Joshua lifted in his seat. “Exactly right. I am the channel for that electricity — that fire, that inspiration. I carry the message to the chosen few. And we've spent the past hours uncovering how each of you was chosen. The burdens that have already tested you. The paths that led you right to this place.”

“Who chose us, Joshua?” Sophie asked.

“See, you want me to say God, because that would give you an excuse to dismiss me. If I claim that God talks to me, then I am a kook. I lose my credibility. So I will say the universe chose you. I will say that confidently and leave it at that.”

Addison whispered to him, “We all feel chosen.” When he said that, I panicked for a second, that Add would only make the whole thing worse. But then I thought,
Okay, it's true that we all chose each other in some way. Maybe that's what Addison means. Maybe he's just trying to break down the metaphor for us.

“You're telling me to tell them about the war.” Joshua's voice grew grim. Addison issued a curt nod. It wasn't difficult to picture him saluting next.

Joshua cleared his throat. “In less than two decades, we will be fighting a war against the militant vegan movement.”

I blinked.

Sophie mouthed one word, “Wow,” and didn't manage to close her mouth again.

“Jesus Christ. You take that much issue with the fact that I'm a vegetarian?” Wes sounded pained. “Greer, seriously — has it caused that much inconvenience to make meatless meals? I haven't made any kind of fuss. I'm not vegan, for Christ's sake.”

“This isn't about you.” Joshua spoke before I had the chance to tell Wes to stop worrying about that. To remind him that I kind of understood the idea of dietary needs. Or to mention that Joshua had just announced we would be fighting a war against vegans and that was kind of outrageous. Joshua went on, “Think of what history has taught us. Wars are fought when the poor go hungry, when resources run dry. Haven't you heard of vandals destroying SUVs, picketing new industry? Ecoterrorism. That's the first wave. When food starts to run out, when we start to change the way we eat, then the conflict between omnivores and herbivores will turn bloody. Just like the dinosaurs.”

“Wait. What?” Jared's eyes bugged out a little. “You're saying the dinosaurs killed each other off over food?”

“What, does a random meteor make more sense to you? When resources run low, animals turn on each other. Make no mistake — we are animals!” Joshua's face contorted as he spoke.

Tears washed over Hannah's face. “I don't understand what we're talking about. Joshua, you're scaring me.”

“You should be scared. We need to capitalize on our own fear and fight back. Your families have already cast you out.
You are disposable to them. But in this group, each of you has a very specific function. You contribute a piece to the machine. I'm telling you, it's as if the force of the universe delivered you to me. Don't turn away from that, I beg you, for the sake of the future.”

Addison said, “Maybe if you show them how — like you explained it to me.”

“No one resents your vegetarian diet, Wes. It provides insight. It teaches us about the enemy. Jared and Addison have been training so hard as athletes. They have already developed the bodies of warriors. And they can testify to the importance of the omnivore diet. We need them to sway the masses if it comes down to that.”

Wes threw up his hands. “So now I'm not built enough to be a warrior. On top of all the other ways I'm a loser. This has been a terrific weekend. Thanks for inviting me. Really.”

My mouth tasted sour with fear. Joshua turned to Sophie. “Sophia, your name means wisdom and we need your intellect. I'm one of the four smartest people I know, but you are the first. Do you hear me?”

Sophie bit her lip and nodded. I tried to make eye contact, but her gaze stayed on Joshua. “There's more, though. You know there's more.” Sophie nodded and swallowed. Joshua said, “Tell me.”

“Money.” She said it miserably.

“I know it sounds crude, but it will cost us money to arm ourselves.” An audible gasp blew through the room. He held up his hand again. “Not now. There will come a time, but not now. We still need to train. We need headquarters off the grid, where we won't be disturbed. You take care of the access here. I will find a way to ensure that McCracken Hill
allows, encourages, our field trips. They just will not know that we consider them field ops.”

Sophie looked sick. Joshua asked gently, “Can you make that happen?”

“Maybe. Yes.”

I tried to shake my head with my eyes. I wanted to send her a message telepathically.
I'm sorry I got you into this.
I followed Sophie's eyes around the room. They stopped by her family pictures. The last time she'd been up here was the week she'd lost her brother. Now we were talking about turning it into home base for the meat-eating militia.

“Why me, Joshua?” Hannah's voice sounded shaky and small.

He turned to her with one of his enormous, bursting-with-pride smiles. “You didn't think I'd forgotten you. What have I told you, Hannah Rose? What do I keep promising?”

As if auditioning for the part, Hannah spoke in the smallest voice possible. “The meek will inherit the earth.”

“That's correct. Maybe your brothers and sisters can explain why your presence will be so valuable. What happens when others meet Hannah? Sophia?”

“They want to help her.”

“Exactly. The myth of Hannah's fragility will be our strength. Do you all see that? Hannah, you inspire empathy. We'll need your talent for drawing in others when it's time to swell our ranks.”

This was about the time I remember wanting to stand up and call bullshit. I sat there and listened to the news about the impending vegan invasion, the dinosaur cage fight, but the idea of Hannah working a crowd counted as the most unbelievable part of the plan. It wasn't just that she was awkward.
She usually managed to say the most wrong thing at the worst possible time. She did not appear to understand the complexities of human emotion. She veered between aloof and needy, apparently depending on whether or not she had a good book to enjoy. She could not have served as the ambassador to a ham sandwich, let alone help inspire a world revolution.

While I ranted in my head, the room had grown quiet. Everyone stared at me and for a second, I worried my Hannah Green rant had come out main mix. “Elizabeth,” Joshua said.

“What?”

I must have sounded superdefensive because Addison sang lightly, “Greer, Greer — you need to hear.” He took my hand in his. I waited. Joshua kept me waiting even longer.

He stood up and stretched. We all watched him pace around the room. He bounced a little, like a boxer headed into the ring. My hand felt sweaty. When I moved to wipe it on my pant leg, Addison just squeezed harder and said, “Greer, Greer — no need to fear.”

Joshua sat down and leaned forward. “Some force has selected all of you to serve as warriors.” His eyes shot arrows at Wes. “Even those of you who continue to doubt your own calling — the universe has chosen all of you.” We nodded, maybe because we had grown used to nodding. “Except you, Elizabeth.”

So once again I was cut from the team? Honestly, that was the first thought that popped in my head. Who will I sit with in the dining hall when everyone else is avenging Oscar Mayer? “Elizabeth, you only think you are a warrior. You fight everything. You fight your parents, your teachers. You fight me.
You fight love. You fight your own physical form. Would you like me to tell you why?”

Go for it, guru.
I nodded.

He said, “I need you to vocalize it.”

“Yes. Please tell me why I fight everything.” He kept staring at me, so I added, “Even my own physical form.”

“Because you shouldn't have one.” Here we go. The same old Greer-Cannon-actually-died-as-a-ten-year-old argument. Hannah seemed baffled. Sophie looked troubled. Addison appeared prepared. Jared and Wes looked as if they were hoping we could break for some kind of snack.

Joshua clapped his hands loudly and we all snapped to attention. He looked around at the gathered group, at everyone except me. Then he proclaimed, “Elizabeth is an angel, sent by God to protect us from our enemies.”

Jackpot. I got to be the angel. No going to the gym, no ponying up cash. No infiltrating the mysterious vegan underground. Surely I'd make eye contact with someone and then we'd all start giggling. The jig would be up but at least I could savor this moment while it lasted.

But that's not what happened. Instead we all hushed and sat there, studying our own hands. Joshua kept pressing. “How does hearing that make you feel, Elizabeth?”

I went with, “Confused.”

“I understand that. And shocked?”