The Best I Could (27 page)

Pulling my shorts down, I placed my foot on
the toilet lid next to the makeup bag and opened the scissors, the
sharp edge toward my skin.

Love and death.

Quickly, before I let myself
think too much about it, I cut myself, the shallow wound on my
outer left thigh near my hip. Blood welled up, crimson tears that
grew bigger and bigger until they fell, sliding down my
skin.
Blood
… how
strange that I loathed it so much, and yet needed it so
bad.

The scissors clinked into the sink as I
rushed to grab the toilet paper, winding it around my hand to press
against the wound.

My thoughts calmed, replaced by burning pain
and a euphoria that made me lightheaded. I was on another planet
above this one. Away from everything. Confusion, fear, and emotions
that I couldn’t compartmentalize. It felt good.

“You can’t keep doing this,
Tansy,”
my brain scolded

What? Hiding from myself? Why not?

A knock on the door startled me, and I
jumped.

“Hey, you about to take a bath or something
because I’ve got to pee, and Nana only has the one bathroom,” Deena
called.

Putting more pressure on the wound, I glanced
at the door. “Yeah, okay. I’m almost done.”

I reached over, turning the sink on. Water
splashed onto the scissors, rinsing away my regrets.

Pulling the toilet paper away carefully, I
tugged the antibiotic cream out of the makeup bag, dabbed it on the
wound, and then bandaged it.

After replacing everything in the bag, I
opened the toilet, threw the bloodstained tissue into the water,
and then flushed, watching as it ate away my shame.

My hand ached, and I lifted it to inspect the
wound I’d made with my knitting needle. It wasn’t infected, but it
wouldn’t take much for it to get that way. I needed to be more
careful, more sanitary. With the gardening, wounds to the hands
were out of the question.

You’re not going to do this again,
Tansy.

Deena pounded on the door. “Come on! I’ve got
to go!”

Zipping the makeup bag, I glanced around the
room, inspecting it for blood or evidence that I’d done anything,
and then yanked the door open.

Deena stumbled. “Took you long enough.”

“It’s all yours.”

That night, I dreamt about Eli’s punching
bag, about the way he looked at me after I’d written on it. With
desire. Not disgust or sympathy.

“Love isn’t the only thing that causes the
heart to race and the palms to sweat,” Eli breathed.

My pulse went wild. Thud, thud, thudding,
erasing everything in the room except Eli and me.

One moment, Eli was staring at me, lust
filling his gaze, the next he was gone, his face replaced by our
house in Atlanta. A sharp pain shot through my chest, and I glanced
down to find my shirt covered in blood.

Grabbing myself, I screamed, scarlet gore
covering my hands.

“Tansy, I need you!” my dad hollered from
the other room.

“Dad! I’m bleeding! I don’t know why I’m
bleeding!”

“It’s okay, sweetie. Just put some alcohol
on it, and then help me to the kitchen. My legs hurt today.”

The pain in my chest grew, becoming so
unbearable I could barely breathe.

“It hurts!” I gasped. “It hurts so bad!”

Suddenly, Dad was standing in front of me,
his dark eyes staring down into mine, blood leaking from his eyes,
his nose, his lips, and his pores the same way it had in the
hospital.

“It hurts, Daddy,” I whispered, terrified,
my hands gripping my chest, blood welling up between my fingers.
Wet and warm.

“I know,” Dad replied, his eyes sad. “Love
always does.”

I woke up, gasping, Snow nudging me, my hands
over my heart.

“Oh, God!” I whimpered.

Snow whined in response.

That dream …

You’re afraid of what it
means
.

Fear was an understatement. I was falling for
Eli Lockston, and the people in my family died for love.

Eli

Cigarette smoke curled into the air, and I
waved it away, smashing the end of the butt I smoked into a pile of
old cement blocks before throwing it down.

Invited to an event in Atlanta with a friend
he’d met in town, Jonathan dropped me off at the animal clinic a
few hours before it opened, leaving me to watch the early morning
sun rise over the brick. Dogs barked inside the rescue
building.

I stared at the house where Tansy slept.

After my dream the night before, I wondered
if she dreamt about me, too, or if her head was too full for that.
Her troubled eyes told a thousand stories, none of them a tale
about a reserved girl. Tansy wasn’t shy. Lonely, maybe, but who
she’d been before her mother’s death was still there, lurking. When
she smiled or laughed, I caught glimpses of it.

She was a white knight, someone who’d stepped
up and done what she had to do to get her family through a tough
time. In many ways, she and I were the same, those similarities
connecting us the same way a chance meeting on a roof had.

The house’s front door opened, and I
straightened, my hands sliding into my blue jean pockets.

Hetty stepped into the yard, her gaze finding
the overgrown lot where I waited.

She shaded her eyes. “A little early, aren’t
you?” she called.

“My brother had somewhere to be,” I answered,
making my way over to her. “I don’t mind waiting.”

In her pastel blouse and light khaki pants,
Hetty looked nothing like her oldest granddaughter. She was too put
together.

She studied me. “Did you get to eat this
morning?”

“I’m not really a breakfast person. If you’ve
got some coffee, I’ll take that though.”

Nodding at the clinic, she walked, gesturing
for me to follow. “I’ll put some on at the clinic. Deena’s still
asleep, and Tansy is going to be leaving for the orchard soon. She
wanted to finish something for your grandfather before she sets up
some of the landscaping projects here.”

“That’s good,” I murmured.

Unlocking the clinic door, Hetty glanced at
me. “Do you like my granddaughter?”

Somehow I knew she’d get around to asking me
that question, but I needed more caffeine before I could promise an
answer that wouldn’t flunk her out-of-nowhere test. I paused,
staring at her. She scrutinized me, criticism written all over her
face. Nothing like my grandfather, but I found that oddly
comforting. Pops looked at me in a ‘you might be wrong, but you can
fix it’ kind of way. Hetty’s stare told me I needed to think before
I made a mistake. The criticism felt good, and I realized I liked
being held accountable. Someone should have done that for my mother
a long time ago.

“Yeah,” I admitted. “I like her.”

Frowning, Hetty let herself into the
building, holding the door open for me. “She’s only seventeen.”

Taking the door from her, I stepped into the
orange lobby. The smell of medicated shampoos assaulted my nose. “I
forget that, you know? She doesn’t act like it.”

Hetty grunted, walked to a Keurig coffee
machine, grabbed a bottle of water from a cabinet underneath it,
and poured the contents into the water reservoir. “She doesn’t,
does she?” Hetty asked, sighing. Slipping a Styrofoam cup under the
machine, she plunked in a dark roast coffee, and pushed the big cup
button. “I hate that she doesn’t. Is that wrong to admit?”

When she directed her gaze at me, I threw my
hands up. “I am the worst person to ask.”

The machine gurgled, finishing, and Hetty
offered me the cup.

“I feel like I abandoned my grandkids,” she
confessed. “After their mother, my daughter, passed, I came here,
and I let myself forget about everything outside of losing her. I
didn’t realize my son-in-law would handle it the way he did.”

Blowing on the coffee, I shrugged. “We all
cope with stuff differently, I guess.”

I didn’t want her to quit talking because my
curiosity had become a beast who needed to be assuaged, but I also
didn’t know how to reply.

“Tansy took too much on,” Hetty continued.
“She went to work and dropped out of school when she was sixteen.
Before that, she played nurse to her dad and helped take care of
the house until he got to the point he couldn’t work anymore.
That’s too much responsibility for a kid that age.”

“What about her brother?” I asked.

“Jet?” Hetty ran a hand over her face. “He’s
been running since their mom passed. He did what he had to do for
himself, worked to help pay bills, finished school, and then left.
It sounds selfish, but it probably saved him from the deeper
pains.”

“Maybe,” I agreed. “Maybe not.”

Hetty made herself a cup of
coffee, and then leaned against the front desk, her narrowed gaze
on my face. “I don’t know what I’m doing. I admit that. Age aside,
Tansy’s too old for me now. Mentally, I don’t know how to connect
with where she is. Deena’s at a place, even as angry as she is,
that I feel more comfortable with.
But
that doesn’t mean I’m not watching
Tansy, that I’m not watching every single move you make Eli
Lockston.”

Not every move,
I thought.

“Are you warning me away or just giving me
boundaries, Mrs. Anderson?”

“Just be careful. I don’t think you’re a bad
kid, and there’s no telling what the hell Tansy’s already done the
last few years. However, here and now belongs to me, and I don’t
want to see her hurt.”

Taking a swallow of coffee, I watched her. “I
don’t make a lot of promises. Seems ridiculous, in my opinion, to
vow to do something when you’re not sure you can actually do it. I
won’t promise to be careful, but I do promise not to hurt her.”

The lobby brightened as the sun moved, and I
realized how tired Tansy’s grandmother appeared.

“Tell me something about yourself, Eli. What
do you want to do with your life?”

The question sat there between us, a layer of
hidden meanings behind it. Her eyes told me she was trying with me.
That she was giving this and her granddaughters everything she knew
to give. Whether it was enough or not was something I couldn’t
judge.

“I like to box,” I told her. “I don’t think
I’ll make a career out of it, but I’m invested in the sport. I’m
studying naval architecture or was until all of the trouble I’ve
had with DUIs. Over seventy percent of the earth is covered in
water. I want to design ships and marine crafts.”

Hetty’s eyes widened, surprise flickering in
their depths.

Gulping down more coffee, I smiled wryly.
“You didn’t expect that, did you? Most people don’t when they look
at me, but I’m serious about what I want to do. I’ve wanted to be
on the water since the day my grandfather first took me out onto
the ocean. He was a naval officer in his day.”

“And you’re going to study that in
Georgia?”

“In Michigan,” I revealed. “I actually did
better in high school than I look, too. Admit it, I look like a
failure to you, don’t I?” I asked, winking. “Top fifteen of my
class. I got accepted to the University of Michigan, but had to put
it off with all of the legal trouble.”

“I
am
surprised,” she acknowledged. “How
much of that does Tansy know?”

“None of the college stuff. Just the interest
in boats and boxing. I’m not sure she needs to know about my
aspirations right now. She just needs to get past this summer.”

A car door slammed outside, and Hetty shook
herself. “Maybe you’re not such a terrible influence, Mr.
Lockston.”

“Oh, I’m an awful one. Don’t doubt that, Mrs.
Anderson. Keep that close eye on me you promised to keep.”

The clinic door swung open, revealing a
breathless Vanessa, her blonde hair as poufy as it was the last
time I saw her. Jeans and a yellow chemise top blurred past.

“Hey,” she said breathlessly, glancing
between Hetty and me. “Am I late?”

“No,” Hetty assured, “we’re early.

“Oh, good,” Vanessa breathed, relieved.

She peered up at me, smiling, and I saluted
her with my coffee.

“Eli,” she crooned. “Do you need help with
any of your stuff today?”

“Danny should be here by now,” Hetty
interceded, throwing me a look.

Brows raised, I walked to the door, Hetty on
my heels.

“You keeping people from flirting with me
now, Mrs. Anderson?” I asked.

She shook her head. “You were the one who
warned me to keep a close eye on you, Mr. Lockston. I’m saving
Vanessa the trouble.”

“Saving her the trouble or protecting
Tansy?”

“Danny will be inside the rescue building,”
she informed me, changing the subject.

Grinning, I turned and sauntered away from
her. “Don’t expect a lot from me,” I warned her over my
shoulder.

“I won’t,” she returned.

Throwing her a quick glance, I noticed the
smile that played along her lips before she ducked into the
clinic.

Danny came out of the rescue, leaned down to
pick up a water hose, and caught sight of me. “Eli!” he exclaimed,
waving.

“Ready to put me to work?” I asked him,
drawing near.

His grin overtook his entire face. “I like
the company.”

“Good deal.” I smiled at him. “I don’t mind
it myself.”

He led me to the rescue, and I glanced back
just in time to see Tansy walk out of her grandmother’s house
wearing a red sundress that stopped at her knees.

I froze.

At the van, she looked up, caught sight of
me, and stared. Her chin rose defiantly.

Something had changed between us, and I
wasn’t sure how I felt about the unease which suddenly gripped my
gut. Looking at her now, it felt oddly like I was looking at
someone I was in a relationship with. Not a friend. As if we’d
crossed into that territory without realizing it.